After reading your and everyone elses (except Links) posts I am wondering if my hubby has the same issue. What things have you found helpful in dealing with this behavior? I have been feeling crazy like maybe if I did this better or looked better or etc... We have read the book Love and Respect but no matter how much respect I give to him he seems to not love me...or at least show me. He says it enough which sometimes I hate even hearing... But as I told him last time actions speak louder than words. We didn't seem to have to many issues until we became foster parents and then adopted. However I know the only reason things have been getting done is because I am in the background asking the questions, sending the emails and or calling. We would not be parents, nor have our home if I wouldn't have pushed. Now I am regretting doing either as it means more work for me. He will follow through on some things but "forgets" the other half of the time. For my birthday last year he waited to even acknowledge it was my birthday He says he was waiting for a good time!!!!!!!!!!!! What in the world!!!!!!!
He also took me 5 hours from my family (yes they are dysfunctional too) but at least I had someone to spend time with. As you I feel like I have a teen and 3 young kids. I feel like a trapped single mom who just happens to have a benefit of not needing to work outside the home. However inside I am so stressed with everything I can hardly manage to get things done (my housework). Last night he "forgot" to call me because he fell asleep HELLO It was 8 where he was and 9 where I was what happened to 5:00, 6:00, or 7:00 I guess they didn't show up!
Hey there, I think that we actually DID figure out what my husbands problem is. Myself, my therapist, my husbands therapist and my husband all seem to agree on some level that his problem is most likely "
dependent personality disorder". He also has traits of "avoidant personality disorder" and "passive-aggressive personality disorder". When a person suffers from dependent personality disorder, they actually "engulf" the person in which they are dependent on. This is because they believe that the person only exists within the context of their relationship, and all of their actions towards that person revolve around this belief. This does involve a system of threats and punishments to control the 'caretakers' behavior. I learned that my isolation is more or less self-imposed (sort of) because my husband has instilled in my a subconscious compulsion to be home taking care of him at all times! I learned to not leave the house without him because it's easier on me than leaving him home alone (this is where my anxiety was coming from). I feel like my husband is a child because he basically IS a child. His mother was overly involved in "attachment parenting", and I'm suspecting that this is the basic cause of this problem. I mean, the lady bought him SEVENTEEN pairs of khakis in the same color! (If anyone is co-dependent here, I think that it's HER) This is why I thought that I had control issues at first. It's because I was aware of the fact that I was in control. It didn't really dawn on me that I have no choice in the matter.
My therapist had me do an experiment to confirm this. She had me go out and more or less stand by his side while he worked on the deck, and instruct him on what to do next. If he didn't do anything I was to work along side of him. Sure enough, if I was right there with him, practically holding his hand, he was perfectly capable, and willing to do the work that he needs to do. He can't function without me right by his side. He's afraid to do anything if I'm not there with him! For now, I've just been sitting there with him while he does his chores, and while it makes me sick to my stomach to try to digest this, at least he's
finally starting to get some work done around the house. He literally asks me questions about what he's working on every 5 minutes, and if I tell him to try to make a decision on his own, he tries to interpret my facial expressions as a means of instruction!
I think that the long term way to deal with this would be to take baby steps towards independence. My therapist said that "it's in his blood" so it's going to take a long, long time. Uuugh. I guess I'll have to just sit there with him for now while he internalizes the concept of even having responsibilities. I see some progress being made. Like, for example - he used to come home from work and want to "play" (watch a movie, go to the park) (like a child coming home from school), but lately he's been coming home asking what we're going to work on together. It sounds really dumb, but I think that might be a big step for him. My therapist suggested that we don't cut out "play time" but have it after "work time". I'm supposed to ease him out of "childhood" I guess. It's so difficult for me to even believe that this situation can even exist, and even more difficult to accept it as my reality! It's so completely pathetic!!!!
Anyway...now that I know what's going on, I feel more comfortable TAKING MY LIFE BACK!! My confidence practically flew back into my body when I learned what's really going on here. I bought the software that I need (and hiked up my rates to pay for it!!), and I called a Realtor almost immediately because I'm putting an end to this "punishment" of "making" me live in a region that I hate! We're moving. And we're moving FAR FAR away from his crazy enabling mother! Being that my husband is dependent on me to make all of his major decisions for him, he thinks it's a good idea (If I told him to move to Antarctica, he would think that was a good idea too...talk about pressure, ugh). Anyway, it's more or less up to me to decide what's in our best interest and make it happen until he can function as an ADULT and think for HIMSELF!
