Starting to resent my husband

designer mom · May 3, 2012

So, after watching me go back and forth between anger and depression for the last 4 days over the fact that my "dreams of becoming a missionary are dead" (I said that, very clearly, more than once to him) - my husband comes out and decides to change his story last night. He said that what he actually meant to say was that he "wasn't sure if he want's to become a missionary someday". Then I pretty much lost my mind while he sat there calmly looking at me as though I'm crazy, ready to "rescue" me if I try to break something or hurt myself.

This man is driving me out of my mind. I can't even get my work done because of this "missionary" stunt, and once again my clients are waiting because I cannot function, let alone design something. Did he do this because he sensed me gaining some kind of independence? He says it's because he's "trying to be open and honest" because "that's what I wanted from him". This doesn't feel like what I wanted.

designer mom · May 3, 2012

LinkH said:
I wish 'mistreat' were used for the wider variety of cases. "Abuse" gets used so much to describe beating people up and sexually abusing children and things like that.

If your spouse gives you an unwanted hug, and says "you needed that, baby," is it a good idea to put the same label on him/her that is used for child molesters and wife beaters?

Your opinion on what does and does not qualify for the term "abuse" really does not matter very much at all to me. What matters is that I have a BIG problem, abuse or not, and that I'm here trying to get some help. Not argue about technicalities.

LinkH · May 3, 2012

designer mom said:
So, after watching me go back and forth between anger and depression for the last 4 days over the fact that my "dreams of becoming a missionary are dead" (I said that, very clearly, more than once to him) - my husband comes out and decides to change his story last night. He said that what he actually meant to say was that he "wasn't sure if he want's to become a missionary someday". Then I pretty much lost my mind while he sat there calmly looking at me as though I'm crazy, ready to "rescue" me if I try to break something or hurt myself.

This man is driving me out of my mind. I can't even get my work done because of this "missionary" stunt, and once again my clients are waiting because I cannot function, let alone design something. Did he do this because he sensed me gaining some kind of independence? He says it's because he's "trying to be open and honest" because "that's what I wanted from him". This doesn't feel like what I wanted.

What was the situation like when he said he didn't want to be a missionary? Were you arguing? Is there any chance he said that because he was angry at you and wanted to push your buttons? It could be that he doesn't really know what he wants.

mkgal1 · May 3, 2012

designer mom said:
So, after watching me go back and forth between anger and depression for the last 4 days over the fact that my "dreams of becoming a missionary are dead" (I said that, very clearly, more than once to him) - my husband comes out and decides to change his story last night. He said that what he actually meant to say was that he "wasn't sure if he want's to become a missionary someday". Then I pretty much lost my mind while he sat there calmly looking at me as though I'm crazy, ready to "rescue" me if I try to break something or hurt myself.

This man is driving me out of my mind. I can't even get my work done because of this "missionary" stunt, and once again my clients are waiting because I cannot function, let alone design something. Did he do this because he sensed me gaining some kind of independence? He says it's because he's "trying to be open and honest" because "that's what I wanted from him". This doesn't feel like what I wanted.

For me, I have found it's much easier to focus on one day at a time---one decision at a time, and "playing for an audience of One" (focusing on pleasing God--and desiring His approval). That may sound trite.....but, that shift was freeing to me (and your H doesn't get passed by, because God's way still is best for everyone...KWIM?) I've also had to come to terms with the idea that I just can't depend on those that have shown me they aren't dependable. IOW....their words don't mean much to me---they normally just say whatever will get them what they want at that particular moment in time.

mkgal1 · May 3, 2012

LinkH said:
What was the situation like when he said he didn't want to be a missionary? Were you arguing? Is there any chance he said that because he was angry at you and wanted to push your buttons? It could be that he doesn't really know what he wants.

Link......he admitted that he NEVER had those intentions, but he first said it on their first date (that he had the same dream, to be a missionary). His actions line up with that being untrue. IOW...that makes sense that was when he *was* being honest. He said he was punishing her (which also lines up with reality). With respect.....I wish you would stop trying to cause doubt or invalidate what's going on, and try to spin it another direction.

mkgal1 · May 3, 2012

designer mom said:
Well, my husband just felt the need to drop a confessional bomb on me...he told me that he's been letting me believe since our first date that he shares my dream of becoming a full time over seas missionary, when he was in fact lying the whole time. He told me that he let me marry him believing this lie of a shared future vision, while the only thing he's actually interested in his his career in engineering. He also told me that he's been punishing me by forcing me to live isolated from friends and family in a place that I hate while he furthers his career here.

Alright, now WHO'S GOING TO TELL ME THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM HERE???????????

Oh, and PS he locked himself in the car an hour ago.

Just wanted to pull this post forward, since it reveals a lot. Praying for you, DesMom.

dallasapple · May 3, 2012

I agree Mk..it doesnt matter what the "situation was like" when he told her what actually MATCHED his actions ...to then turn aroudn adn say "maybe he was angry" ..well..I woudl agree if he said something IN anger ..that didnt TOTALLY "make sense" that his words ring TRUE based on his daily and monthy and over the years behavior..seemingly movign AWAY from thier supposed joint dream of beign missionaries..convicning her to move to be aroudn his family and settign roots in a town she doesnt want to be in and throwign himself into his REAL long term goals that apprrently have nothignto do with working towrds beign a missionary..his engineering career.discouraging her career aspirations too by suggesting she not evne purchse the software she needs to use ofr it but use the "free sample" instead(so NO investment in HER career).in the meantime convincing her to have a child and beign content that she is isolated including sounds like she cant even walk out her front door without it being a risk or a hazard for her to do so..

And then the Mr.Nice guy act..with the flowers and the perfect housekeeping is to keep her confused and distracted IMHO from what he is really up to..its a smokescreen.."wave somethign shiny" over to the side to keep her from looking at the reality...Like holding a lolly pop in the air over to the right..for your toddler saying LOOK a lolly pop..you want a lolly pop?while the nurse is on the left sticking a needle in the childs arm..Its nto that you werent offerign the child the lolly pop..it was USED as a distration technique so you could set the child up to get a shot..somethign you KNOW the child would not agree too if you just asked them.Its a trick..

Dallas

designer mom · May 3, 2012

mkgal1 said:
Link......he admitted that he NEVER had those intentions, but he first said it on their first date (that he had the same dream, to be a missionary). His actions line up with that being untrue. IOW...that makes sense that was when he *was* being honest. He said he was punishing her (which also lines up with reality). With respect.....I wish you would stop trying to cause doubt or invalidate what's going on, and try to spin it another direction.

Exactly, this is exactly right. What he said on Saturday made me feel like a lot of things suddenly made sense, because it aligned with his actions. His actions that focused only on his career.

designer mom · May 3, 2012

dallasapple said:
I agree Mk..it doesnt matter what the "situation was like" when he told her what actually MATCHED his actions ...to then turn aroudn adn say "maybe he was angry" ..well..I woudl agree if he said something IN anger ..that didnt TOTALLY "make sense" that his words ring TRUE based on his daily and monthy and over the years behavior..seemingly movign AWAY from thier supposed joint dream of beign missionaries..convicning her to move to be aroudn his family and settign roots in a town she doesnt want to be in and throwign himself into his REAL long term goals that apprrently have nothignto do with working towrds beign a missionary..his engineering career.discouraging her career aspirations too by suggesting she not evne purchse the software she needs to use ofr it but use the "free sample" instead(so NO investment in HER career).in the meantime convincing her to have a child and beign content that she is isolated including sounds like she cant even walk out her front door without it being a risk or a hazard for her to do so..

And then the Mr.Nice guy act..with the flowers and the perfect housekeeping is to keep her confused and distracted IMHO from what he is really up to..its a smokescreen.."wave somethign shiny" over to the side to keep her from looking at the reality...Like holding a lolly pop in the air over to the right..for your toddler saying LOOK a lolly pop..you want a lolly pop?while the nurse is on the left sticking a needle in the childs arm..Its nto that you werent offerign the child the lolly pop..it was USED as a distration technique so you could set the child up to get a shot..somethign you KNOW the child would not agree too if you just asked them.Its a trick..

Dallas

That's right, it really doesn't matter what the situation was like. For what it's worth, there was no situation. My husband went to a church meeting on Saturday morning, than came home to find the baby taking a nap and me on my computer (probably trying to work or talk to you guys), and than he asked me if I had a minute, I said yes, and he told me.

Right now, at this very moment, he's waving something very "shiny" at me and he's actually working on the DECK. It is a trick, and I'm not buying it (but I'm certainly not going to stop him!).

designer mom · May 3, 2012

Oh, I should mention...he didn't even go to work today! Yesterday, I got in the car to take the baby to the park in the afternoon and something was clearly broken on it. The check engine light was on and it wouldn't change gears, so I turned around and went home. I sent him an email letting him know that the car needed to go to the mechanic and he RACED home as if there was some kind of emergency. That was yesterday afternoon, and he hasn't been back to work since on the basis of he's "taking care of the broken car". Yeah right.

The first thing he said when he walked in the door was "I did NOT break the car to keep you isolated". I don't think that's the case (although nut cases like that do exist and who's to say that I didn't get stuck with one of them), but I do know that he used this car thing as an excuse to be around me when he should have been working.

LinkH · May 3, 2012

Maybe that was wishful thinking on my part. It could be your husband just doesn't know what he wants when it comes to the whole missions thing. "Missions overseas? Maybe someday, maybe not-- right now I want a great career here. ", and either says what you want to hear, or if you are in an argument, what you don't want to hear. Does he seem like the type who has his life planned out but won't tell you, or more like the kind of guy who doesn't plan everything out in advance?

Does he seem like he is plotting and scheming, or just saying things to pacify you?

LinkH · May 3, 2012

designer mom said:
Right now, at this very moment, he's waving something very "shiny" at me and he's actually working on the DECK. It is a trick, and I'm not buying it (but I'm certainly not going to stop him!).

He needs to be honest with you, and clear the air about that. You also need to forgive him.

You've wanted him to fix the deck for yours and the baby's safety for a long time. He should have done it earlier, but he is working on it now. Maybe he is doing it to make you happy because you are upset at him, but he is doing it. Why not bury the hatchet on this particular matter? (and not in his head like Fog Horn Leg Horn used to say.)

Romanseight2005 · May 3, 2012

designer mom said:
Your opinion on what does and does not qualify for the term "abuse" really does not matter very much at all to me. What matters is that I have a BIG problem, abuse or not, and that I'm here trying to get some help. Not argue about technicalities.

It's sort of like when a doctor describes the immense pain you are feeling as a slight discomfort, isn't it?

dallasapple · May 3, 2012

Another thing with the "semantics" .I havent met ONE abusive person in my life that was comfortable with beign labled that..so the whole 'why not call it "mistreatment" is IMO just a way to try and shelter and abusive persons "feelings'..and minimize what they are doing/ how they are acting..and who they ARE even if its not hopeless as in they dont have to STAY that kind of person..

If it walks like a duck quacks like a duck you dont say "thats a feathery bird that likes to swim in water" you call it a DUCK.

MISTREATMENT is what an abusive person DOES..Once its a pattern then its "abusive " and they are an "abuser"..I think 5 years of a patteng is long enough to call it what it is..

Dallas

Romanseight2005 · May 3, 2012

dallasapple said:
Another thing with the "semantics" .I havent met ONE abusive person in my life that was comfortable with beign labled that..so the whole 'why not call it "mistreatment" is IMO just a way to try and shelter and abusive persons "feelings'..and minimize what they are doing/ how they are acting..and who they ARE even if its not hopeless as in they dont have to STAY that kind of person..

If it walks like a duck quacks like a duck you dont say "thats a feathery bird that likes to swim in water" you call it a DUCK.

MISTREATMENT is what an abusive person DOES..Once its a pattern then its "abusive " and they are an "abuser"..I think 5 years of a patteng is long enough to call it what it is..

Dallas

Exactly! According to people who have counseled abusers and their victims, the trauma, as well as the disorders that arise from abuse, are the same in those who have only experienced regular psychological abuse as those who have been severely physically abused, so yes, two plus two equals four, no matter what language you speak.

designer mom · May 3, 2012

Romanseight2005 said:
It's sort of like when a doctor describes the immense pain you are feeling as a slight discomfort, isn't it?

Yep! That's a pretty good way to describe it.

tannicv2 · May 4, 2012

designer mom said:
Yep! That's a pretty good way to describe it.

Question: How do you treat him?

mkgal1 · May 4, 2012

In the economy where responses to mistreatment are judged the same way as the original treatment---you end up with a viscious circle.

If someone were to steal from me each time I invite them over for dinner.......my response would be to maybe begin meeting them at a restaurant instead (and keep my purse with me). That's *not* a poor reflection of me......it's a reflection of them. To allow poor behavior to be the "leader" in a relationship is submitting to sin. That should be flipped to where we won't allow other's poor behavior to be what defines the relationship.

designer mom · May 4, 2012

tannicv2 said:
Question: How do you treat him?

I think that this question is impossible for me to truly answer. First of all, I know that my perception of how I treat him is not going to match how I actually treat him. Aside from that, among the mountains of things I had tried in order to win his love and affection, I'm sure that on and off (if not all the time) I was performing in the role of the "perfect wife". Although, my ability to try to win his love by being a good wife has been declining as I've been becoming depressed and overwhelmed with his responsibilities in addition to my own. Eventually I just started following him around apologizing all the time for not being the "perfect wife" (in specific ways like I'm sorry I didn't cook you a nice dinner tonight, etc.). I don't know if that really answers your question or not.

tannicv2 · May 4, 2012

designer mom said:
I think that this question is impossible for me to truly answer. First of all, I know that my perception of how I treat him is not going to match how I actually treat him. Aside from that, among the mountains of things I had tried in order to win his love and affection, I'm sure that on and off (if not all the time) I was performing in the role of the "perfect wife". Although, my ability to try to win his love by being a good wife has been declining as I've been becoming depressed and overwhelmed with his responsibilities in addition to my own. Eventually I just started following him around apologizing all the time for not being the "perfect wife" (in specific ways like I'm sorry I didn't cook you a nice dinner tonight, etc.). I don't know if that really answers your question or not.

I don't know if you have said this before but I think you're hard on yourself right.

Starting to resent my husband

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