Starting to resent my husband

[designer mom]

I feel like I'm starting to resent my husband, and I'm not entirely sure why. We've known each other for 5 years, and have been married for almost 2. On the surface, it appears as if he's the perfect husband, and I suspect that friends and family envy me because of this. Maybe he is ideal, and maybe I'm the problem...but even if that's the case, I'd like to know so it can be fixed.

I suspect that several factors may be involved here:

1) On one hand, I feel like he's a robot who will do any thing I want him to. He asks my permission before doing anything at all. I'm surprised he does not ask me if he can use the bathroom. He was always like this, and he's admit to being a "people pleaser".

2) But on the other hand, I feel like he's taken my life away. I gave up my career for him, and he moved me to the middle of nowhere for his job and I absolutely hate it here. I've been making failed efforts to enjoy living here for the last year and a half and I still hate it more than ever. I've been in and out of depressions and battling anxiety and all kinds of emotional problems since we moved here, and he strangely (considering his people pleasing), will not consider another option. He won't even talk about it. I'm not the only one who hates this region, he's told me about people at work who have quit because "their wives couldn't stand to live here any longer".

I feel like he's slowly taking everything away from me, and I'm starting to lose site of who I am as an individual. He says I can take as much time as I want to myself, and do whatever I want, but I do not feel like I can. I moved my desk into the bedroom in the corner of the house (as far away from him as I can get) and he cannot stay out of this room for 5 minutes without popping his head in and seeing what I'm "up to". He cut off all contact with his friends when we met, has not made a single new friend, and doesn't seem to really want anyone in his life except for me. I feel like if I go somewhere and leave him home, he's going to sit at the door like a puppy dog waiting for my return.

3) On the other, other hand - he seems to want a relationship with his parents and siblings, and blames me for the fact that his contact with them is becoming less and less. His family is mean to me. They are very critical of me, literally leave the room while I'm talking to them, tell me that my Christian standards are "ridiculous", and overall they make me feel like a piece of garbage. My natural response to this is to limit my contact. Why would I want to be around people that make me feel bad about myself? Being that he's not willing to do anything without me glued to his hip, he doesn't see them very often. I don't even know if he talks to them on the phone - if he does it's when he's on his lunch break or something at work.

Anyway...I find that I don't want to be around my husband much any more. I see myself withdrawing from him, and starting to try to gain some independence. I don't want to resent him, and I'm confused about why exactly this is happening, and what I can do about it (if anything).

Does anyone have any insight? Thanks so much!

 

[JaneFW]

Firstly, is there no chance of you starting up your career where you live now? What was your career?

Then - do you have a church that you both attend? If not, it may be time to get one.

If you have nothing to do - no career - please consider volunteering. Helping others can alleviate boredom, depression, anxiety etc. and you can meet new friends and get a new lease of life. Also, you would be helping others much less fortunate than yourself.

Can you talk to him about what is going on with his family? What are the "Christian standards" that they find "ridiculous"? Are they Christians?

For his neediness - I don't know what to say. Does he realize that it is OTTP? Have you tried to discuss it non-judgmentally? It may be that the more he perceives you to be pulling away, the more he wants to chase and cling. It's also quite controlling to have someone always checking up on you. You might want to think about counseling.

Using words like "robot" and just the general disgust you express toward him in your post - if you are expressing this to his face, that might also have a part in the dysfunction.

 

[jehoiakim]

As I am sure you have figured out, a successful marriage is a lot of work. My wife and I have gone through rough patches periodically. For the most part we are stronger for it now, but there were some lows that made us both wonder what we had gotten ourselves into. Looking back I still think I made the best decision of my life to marry her although it isn't always as easy to see in the moment when things aren't going as well.

It seems to me your husband is trying to please you with all the little things, but not the big and important things, which is why it seems artificial or robot like. Good for you for recognizing you are starting to resent him. Please don't allow this to be swept under the rug. Saying that, the solution might not be a quick one, but you may have to bring it up and trouble shoot as you try and find a workable solution.

I suggest you really just have a sit down conversation with him, not an angry or manipulative conversation, but a respectful one. I don't think your husband realizes what he is doing to you. I am sure he love you and wants to make you happy.

I suggest instead of trying to start with solutions (as men's brains are wired to spit out almost immediately when you start telling them about your problems... I am very guilty of this myself) Start with the concerns. Concerns are a lot easier to agree on then the action plan. Bring up all the concerns, and don't just make it your concerns, make sure you incorporate his as well, like his disconnect with his family so he doesn't feel the conversation is only about how to make you happy. Then tell him that you see and appreciate that he is trying to love you in his way, but it isn't the way you need to be loved. Start with the concerns in a loving, respectful non-manipulative and honest way and you will emotionally bond before you have to talk about a course of action, otherwise it will just turn into a heated fight...

Seeing that I don't know the specifics of all your problems I don't know how helpful these "solutions" are but I'm gonna give them a whirl anyway...

His concern about being disconnected from his family... encourage him to go visit his family by himself from time to time, perhaps you can offer to take some chore off his plate while he is out, then he gets family time, he also gets something done he wouldn't have time for, and you don't have to see his family all the time. Tell him why you have trouble with his family, but don't let that be an excuse to never see them. My wife had trouble with my family now, but they really have grown to respect her now a days, honestly I think my family likes my wife more than they like me sometimes weve been married almost 7 years. Your relationship with them will hopefully change over time as they start to understand how you help your husband grow as a person.

What does he like about this area you live in so much that he can't find elsewhere? what if you stay in the same region but more to a more happening place or something?

tell him you are concerned he doesn't seem to have any friends he can confide in and you want to help him make some... look for some couple friends, maybe that weill help ease him into it.


I don't know if any of this is helpful I'm gonna pray for you guys right now, please keep us updated. God brought you together and I am sure he wants to help you work it out.

Peace and Blessings,
Jesse

 

[jehoiakim]

Using words like "robot" and just the general disgust you express toward him in your post - if you are expressing this to his face, that might also have a part in the dysfunction.

Great point. when my wife and I struggled we read a lot of books on marriage. The best one in my opinion was called "Love and Respect." It was the only book I read that as a man I think actually gave insight to how men think. It was a balanced book that didn't make me feel like the source of all our marital problems was me. Sure I make mistakes, I might even be responsible for the majority of them, but respect is such a huge deal to men and most women don't get it, they talk so much with their emotions and it is hurtful... that's the other thing, as men we have been taught from a young age not to get emotional, so instead of getting upset or sad it is far easier for us to flip the angry switch on instead which in turn doesn't help us love our wives as they need to be loved... it is a vicious cycle... great book love and respect, I cannot recommend it enough for married couples with problems

 

[designer mom]

<edit>
Firstly, is there no chance of you starting up your career where you live now? What was your career?

Then - do you have a church that you both attend? If not, it may be time to get one.

If you have nothing to do - no career - please consider volunteering. Helping others can alleviate boredom, depression, anxiety etc. and you can meet new friends and get a new lease of life. Also, you would be helping others much less fortunate than yourself.

Can you talk to him about what is going on with his family? What are the "Christian standards" that they find "ridiculous"? Are they Christians?

For his neediness - I don't know what to say. Does he realize that it is OTTP? Have you tried to discuss it non-judgmentally? It may be that the more he perceives you to be pulling away, the more he wants to chase and cling. It's also quite controlling to have someone always checking up on you. You might want to think about counseling.

Using words like "robot" and just the general disgust you express toward him in your post - if you are expressing this to his face, that might also have a part in the dysfunction.

<edit>
Since we moved I had a baby, so it is very difficult for me to go back to my career. I'd really prefer to be at home with my son. I try to freelance from home, but I have yet to find very much time to do this and my clients are getting upset with me for not making deadlines, etc. I also need a computer and software upgrade, but my husband does not recognize this as a valid need, and suggested that I get the "free version" of the software. I took this to mean that he thinks that I'm some kind of joke, and then he turned right around and said that he'll buy me the most expensive computer and software, which was extremely confusing to me.

We just started going to church together two months ago. I'm trying to find a womans group, but they haven't had any meetings yet.

I can't talk to him about what is going on with his family. He said that he doesn't want to bring it up because it upsets me too much, and when I bring it up, he doesn't say a word. They are not Christians, and they drink a lot, and tried to drive with our baby in their car without a car seat the last time we were there. They also expose our baby to a dog that bites, and repeatedly break down the physical barriers that I create to keep the dog away from him. They use filthy language in front of him and tell us that they are going to continue to use it because they think he's too young to understand what they're saying. They also watch movies and television shows that we do not watch in our home and think it's "ridiculous" that we would want to "guard our minds" from it.

I honestly don't think that he has any idea that I feel resentment towards him. I make a great deal of effort to use positive reinforcement, but maybe he can see through that. I would never call him a robot to his face, or any hurtful name for that matter. I don't think I'm perfect in this department, but I try so very hard to be aware of my words because I understand that it takes 9 compliments to un-do the hurt of one criticism.

Thanks for responding, by the way.

 

[jehoiakim]

wow I am sorry you are getting beat up for this designer mom...
ignore Ivan, perhaps your husband does worship the ground you walk on, but that doesn't mean everything must be fine. My parents divorced a long time ago because my father did all the things he thought he was supposed to, but was not what my mom needed. She was a non-believer, but I don't think my dad recognized it. My mom now regrets how things went down, she is content where she is now, but honestly, they just needed some outside guidance at the time.

You just had a baby... I don't mean to use that as an excuse but we have a 10 month old at home and the hormonal changes my wife went through and is still going through are quite extreme, she had anxiety attacks and fear when she has never had it in her life, she is a a very strong and interdependent woman. We have a wholistic doctor that has been working miracles in her body, but having a baby makes a lot of other emotions magnify and become far more complex. Perhaps what you need to find is some more young moms, a lot of church have those MOPS programs, which are mothers with todlers basically forget what Mops stands for, or a mom's time out... I also think you guys should really check out a few other churches. We have been on the church search ourselves a few times, it is not fun, but sadly I find there are more completely messed up churches out there then even halfway decent ones

 

[makeitwork]

you have a lot on your plate, your still newlyweds, your a new mother, and live in a strange place. (((hugs))) that's very stressful.
maybe i am reaching here, but do you think you might have postpartum depression, along with anxiety?
i would see a doctor and get checked out.
your in my prayers and please keep us updated.

 

[JaneFW]

You're right, I did edit my post. I'm just sick of not standing up for myself, is all.

I hear you. I edited your comment out of my response.

Since we moved I had a baby, so it is very difficult for me to go back to my career. I'd really prefer to be at home with my son. I try to freelance from home, but I have yet to find very much time to do this and my clients are getting upset with me for not making deadlines, etc. I also need a computer and software upgrade, but my husband does not recognize this as a valid need, and suggested that I get the "free version" of the software. I took this to mean that he thinks that I'm some kind of joke, and then he turned right around and said that he'll buy me the most expensive computer and software, which was extremely confusing to me.

How old is your child? Is there any chance you might be suffering from postpartum depression? Really, with a young child, trying to build and maintain a business at home might not be the best idea, at least until he is able to entertain himself a little better. Obviously, what your husband is saying to you is confusing. OTOH he talks about free software, but OTOH he is talking about buying more expensive commitment. Any chance you can pin him down to getting what you actually need, or just getting what you need to satisfy these clients, and perhaps closing the door on business then until you have more free time? From my memories of having a baby (and a toddler at home, I might add) there was not much free time for working at a computer.

We just started going to church together two months ago. I'm trying to find a womans group, but they haven't had any meetings yet.

Pursue these connections. Put out feelers to other women who are in the same position. Your best allies could be women who are also at home with young children.

I can't talk to him about what is going on with his family. He said that he doesn't want to bring it up because it upsets me too much, and when I bring it up, he doesn't say a word. They are not Christians, and they drink a lot, and tried to drive with our baby in their car without a car seat the last time we were there. They also expose our baby to a dog that bites, and repeatedly break down the physical barriers that I create to keep the dog away from him. They use filthy language in front of him and tell us that they are going to continue to use it because they think he's too young to understand what they're saying. They also watch movies and television shows that we do not watch in our home and think it's "ridiculous" that we would want to "guard our minds" from it.

Woah. You would be well within your rights to keep your child entirely away from this family. It is against the law to not use a child seat, let alone against your personal convictions. Could you find some links online to show to your husband? Like, the statistics for babies injured in car wrecks, and the cases of dogs attacking children etc?

I honestly don't think that he has any idea that I feel resentment towards him. I make a great deal of effort to use positive reinforcement, but maybe he can see through that. I would never call him a robot to his face, or any hurtful name for that matter. I don't think I'm perfect in this department, but I try so very hard to be aware of my words because I understand that it takes 9 compliments to un-do the hurt of one criticism.

Thanks for responding, by the way.

I bet he does know you feel resentment towards him. If he knows that you are upset when he discusses his family, then he has noticed something, right? I'm not saying it's wrong for you to be upset about his family's behavior, but just that he's not blind to your reaction to them - and therefore he won't be blind to your reaction toward him. I suspect that he is clinging because he is afraid to lose you, because he knows that you are angry with him, but he can't figure out how to fix it. Men can comment on this, but it's my understanding (from men) that they want to fix - and that's also my experience of my own husband. He can't fix his family, he can't fix your anxiety/depression, he can't fix anything. So he may feel useless. I don't know, just a thought.

You guys really need to talk, one on one, let it all out - never mind if it "upsets" him or you. Probably either with a counselor or a pastor to keep the peace.

 

[designer mom]

wow I am sorry you are getting beat up for this designer mom...
ignore Ivan, perhaps your husband does worship the ground you walk on, but that doesn't mean everything must be fine. My parents divorced a long time ago because my father did all the things he thought he was supposed to, but was not what my mom needed. She was a non-believer, but I don't think my dad recognized it. My mom now regrets how things went down, she is content where she is now, but honestly, they just needed some outside guidance at the time.

You just had a baby... I don't mean to use that as an excuse but we have a 10 month old at home and the hormonal changes my wife went through and is still going through are quite extreme, she had anxiety attacks and fear when she has never had it in her life, she is a a very strong and interdependent woman. We have a wholistic doctor that has been working miracles in her body, but having a baby makes a lot of other emotions magnify and become far more complex. Perhaps what you need to find is some more young moms, a lot of church have those MOPS programs, which are mothers with todlers basically forget what Mops stands for, or a mom's time out... I also think you guys should really check out a few other churches. We have been on the church search ourselves a few times, it is not fun, but sadly I find there are more completely messed up churches out there then even halfway decent ones

Thanks, I think that hormones could be part of the problem, but honestly this problem has been escalating since before I got pregnant. Before I met him I had a lot of friends and healthy relationships, hobbies, etc. And I feel like one by one these things are disappearing. I don't understand how though, or what the problem is. He seems like such a nice guy who is trying to give me every thing my heart desires, but then I see my life slipping away from me, and I can't understand how it's happening. I find that I even have anxiety going out in public alone sometimes now. I think it's probably because I rarely go anywhere alone anymore, and partially because I'm worrying about whether my husband will feed himself etc. (even though I know that he's a grown man and not a baby).

 

[LinkH]

Designer Mom,

Maybe your husband would benefit from spending some time around other Christian men, and asking them for marital advice. If there are no real life Christian men around here, you could send him to this forum and have him put male for his gender in his profile so he can access the men's only forum, and let him ask questions and get some input. If he could post about the asking permission to do everything issue and the situation with his family. If other men told him gave him some advice, he might be more willing to stand up for you to his family.

If other wives of husbands who work with your husband want to leave the region you are in, why don't you see if you can arrange a get together to meet some of these wives? I also agree with the posters who talk about getting involved in church, and the idea that volunteering may be helpful for you. Socialize with some godly women who can give you advice, or join a Bible study where you can take your baby with you. Staying at home alone in the middle of nowhere with no social contact with your husband and a baby can be stressful.

In spite of some of the comments, I think Ivan has a point that it is important to learn to be content with such things as you have. God gave the children of Israel manna from heaven, and after a while they complained. They grumbled wanting to eat flesh. So God sent them quail and they got sick off of it. I suspect they could have humbly asked for meat and gotten it. But they grumbled against this manna they had prayed for, a miracle God brought into their lives. I was thinking the other day, before I read your post, how some people do this with marriage. God gives a wonderful match, a husband or wife, and some people are unthankful for what God has blessed them with. Sometimes God gives that spouse after years of prayer. Make it a habit of giving thanks for your husband and other good blessings in your life. A good job is a blessing. What are the positive things about where you live? Give thanks for those things, daily, too.

If the baby has recently been born, your feelings could also be related to post-partum blues. With or without that, getting up repeatedly through the night can make life a little emotionally challenging. In this case, it can be comforting to keep in mind that some of the feelings may pass over time as the child learns to sleep through the night and you start sleeping normally.

 

[designer mom]

I've been doing some googling....I think that the problem might be related to my husband being "passive" and me being "aggressive" (in our personalities). I think that maybe we are both trying to change each other to be more like ourselves. I think I might be feeling like I am losing site of myself partially because I'm being "sucked" into my husbands passive tendencies (which isn't me) and partially because I have no time for myself due to his passivity (because all of the responsibility is falling on my shoulders).

Does that make any sense?

 

[JaneFW]

I think you may be confusing passive/aggressive - which is the behavior of one person, with it being the behaviors of two people?

This is the behavior of a passive aggressive man:

Signs and symptoms
The book Living with the Passive&#8211;Aggressive Man lists 11 responses that may help identify passive&#8211;aggressive behavior:[2]

• Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of creating a feeling of insecurity in others or of disguising one's own insecurities.
• Intentional Inefficiency: Intentionally being late and forgetting things, another way to exert control or to punish.
• Convenient forgetfulness: To win any argument with a dishonest denial of actual events.
• Fear of competition
• Fear of dependency
• Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: the passive&#8211;aggressive often cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
• Making chaotic situations
• Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
• Obstructionism
• Procrastination
• Sulking
• Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.

A passive&#8211;aggressive person may not display all of these behaviors, and may have other[clarification needed] non-passive&#8211;aggressive traits.
Additional traits include lack of accountability and an inability to be intropsective; therefore the passive aggressive person tends to not feel remorse or guilt for his or her actions. He/ she believes his actions are the result of external forces and not his own behavior. He is limited emotionally and can not reciprocate emotion in a relationship beyond the limited amount he needs to feel fulfilled. Given his lack of empathy, compassion and sympathy; the relationship becomes parasitic. (Reference: "The Calm and the Storm; notes from a passive aggressive relationship" by Annmarie Cristiani www.thecalmandthestorm )

I'm not saying that is your husband, just that these are the understood behaviors of a passive aggressive person.

 

[chaz345]

I've been doing some googling....I think that the problem might be related to my husband being "passive" and me being "aggressive" (in our personalities). I think that maybe we are both trying to change each other to be more like ourselves. I think I might be feeling like I am losing site of myself partially because I'm being "sucked" into my husbands passive tendencies (which isn't me) and partially because I have no time for myself due to his passivity (because all of the responsibility is falling on my shoulders).

Does that make any sense?

Makes perfect sense to me since it quite accurately describes the first ten years of my marriage and my wife coming VERY close to simply not being able to do it anymore.

It's hard to say what I'm about to without making it sound like I'm blaming you, so please simply accept that that's not at all what I mean.

If you want things to change it's going to take time and it's going to take some major "backing off" by you. Some would suggest simply refusing to accept added responsibility but the drawback there is that needed things will likely not happen. The real issue is that right now, for whatever reason, he doesn't feel safe in asserting himself. Like I said earlier, if he's at all like me, it's a combination of his past, likely an impossible to please mother, and then your tendency to be agressive only compounds it. Understand that I'm not saying your tendency to be agressive is a bad thing. But combined with his past and his basic personality, it's having a bad effect on the overall situation. If you two are anything at all like my wife and I, it really doesn't take a whole lot to change the situation. A relatively small stepping back by you and a relatively small stepping up by him can make a very dramatic difference.

The best place to start is to try to cause him to feel safe in asserting himself. Make him make the decisions for a change. But, if you don't like his decision, or if it results in a bad outcome, you can't "whack" him for it. I'm not at all advocating being a complete doormat, I'm just saying to make him make the choice a few times and make sure he learns that it's safe for him to make the wrong decision.

Again, for clarity, I realize that sounds like I'm putting it all on you. I'm not. The reality is that you are the one that's here to hear the advice so I can only speak to what you need to do. If he were here with you, I'd be telling him that he needs to put himself out there, to take a chance and learn that it is safe for him to assert himself a little more.

 

[designer mom]

Makes perfect sense to me since it quite accurately describes the first ten years of my marriage and my wife coming VERY close to simply not being able to do it anymore.

It's hard to say what I'm about to without making it sound like I'm blaming you, so please simply accept that that's not at all what I mean.

If you want things to change it's going to take time and it's going to take some major "backing off" by you. Some would suggest simply refusing to accept added responsibility but the drawback there is that needed things will likely not happen. The real issue is that right now, for whatever reason, he doesn't feel safe in asserting himself. Like I said earlier, if he's at all like me, it's a combination of his past, likely an impossible to please mother, and then your tendency to be agressive only compounds it. Understand that I'm not saying your tendency to be agressive is a bad thing. But combined with his past and his basic personality, it's having a bad effect on the overall situation. If you two are anything at all like my wife and I, it really doesn't take a whole lot to change the situation. A relatively small stepping back by you and a relatively small stepping up by him can make a very dramatic difference.

The best place to start is to try to cause him to feel safe in asserting himself. Make him make the decisions for a change. But, if you don't like his decision, or if it results in a bad outcome, you can't "whack" him for it. I'm not at all advocating being a complete doormat, I'm just saying to make him make the choice a few times and make sure he learns that it's safe for him to make the wrong decision.

Again, for clarity, I realize that sounds like I'm putting it all on you. I'm not. The reality is that you are the one that's here to hear the advice so I can only speak to what you need to do. If he were here with you, I'd be telling him that he needs to put himself out there, to take a chance and learn that it is safe for him to assert himself a little more.

Thanks, I understand what you're saying here. (thanks for being gentle though) He definitely has a hard to please mother, she's so hard to please that she doesn't want anything to do with me! =( I'll admitt, I do have high expectations for my husband, but at this point I think I'm just happy to see him make any kind of a decision on his own. I remember a couple of years ago, someone asked him a direct question in front of me, and he turned right to me and asked me for his answer! It was so embarrassing.

 

[chaz345]

Thanks, I understand what you're saying here. (thanks for being gentle though) He definitely has a hard to please mother, she's so hard to please that she doesn't want anything to do with me! =( I'll admitt, I do have high expectations for my husband, but at this point I think I'm just happy to see him make any kind of a decision on his own. I remember a couple of years ago, someone asked him a direct question in front of me, and he turned right to me and asked me for his answer! It was so embarrassing.

Been there done that(the asking her for my answer). It is sounding more and more like you've got a very similar dynamic going on to what we had. The thing to remember is that you are dealing with an entire lifetime of conditioning in him so this is something that's going to take time to change. Small steps. Push him to make decisions on small things and make the results positive, wether you like the outcome or not. You could flat out tell him that even if you don't like his decision, it's not the end of the world. That you may be a little angry or frustrated for a bit but that it's not a big deal. But like they say,"actions speak louder than words." The reality is that he's going to have to learn, over time and through demonstrated actions, that it's OK for him to have a different opinion or to decide differently than you do. I wish I could give you a good way to start but for me the "kickstart" was my getting saved.

But the good news is that it can be done. We've actually come to the point where we can joke about how things were. Sometimes when a decision is being made that really is her's to make and I've given my input and she's waffling I'll say something like "would you hurry up and make up our mind." Given that that is probably very much what you feel you need to do now, it' probably doesn't sound all that funny, but afterwards, on the other side of the issue, it is.

 

[designer mom]

I think you may be confusing passive/aggressive - which is the behavior of one person, with it being the behaviors of two people?

This is the behavior of a passive aggressive man:



I'm not saying that is your husband, just that these are the understood behaviors of a passive aggressive person.

I think that I understood the difference between passive and aggressive behaviors, but I was definitely misunderstanding what passive/aggressive behavior in one person is. I'm pretty sure that my husband fits into the "passive" category and that I fit into the "aggressive" category, but now I'm trying to figure out if my husband fits into the "passive/aggressive" category. I think that there is a possibility that he might, which would explain why I am feeling abused and like I need to withdraw to protect myself from his confusing actions (although I recognize that there are plenty of other possibilities).

I see that my husband is constantly telling me that he's going to do things (very sincerely) and than not following through. He says that he forgot or that I did not communicate clearly enough, or that he wasn't sure if he understood in the first place. He acts like he's so sincere and caring to my face, but in the end, I always end up feeling like he's completely useless. I feel like he makes dishonest statements in such a way that it makes him look like the "good guy". For example (I mentioned this earlier) when he suggested that I use the "free version" of the expensive software that I need to purchase, and then when I got upset he immediately offered to buy me a brand new computer and the most expensive software version, I feel like he only said this knowing that I would never agree to it. In the end, he looks like the good guy, but still get's what he wants (not purchasing the software). Or he'll go out of his way to be "bad" at something that I know he's completely capable of doing, simply so that he doesn't "qualify" to be enlisted in that project again in the future (and I do it myself). Are these behaviors considered passive/aggressive?

 

[designer mom]

Been there done that(the asking her for my answer). It is sounding more and more like you've got a very similar dynamic going on to what we had. The thing to remember is that you are dealing with an entire lifetime of conditioning in him so this is something that's going to take time to change. Small steps. Push him to make decisions on small things and make the results positive, wether you like the outcome or not. You could flat out tell him that even if you don't like his decision, it's not the end of the world. That you may be a little angry or frustrated for a bit but that it's not a big deal. But like they say,"actions speak louder than words." The reality is that he's going to have to learn, over time and through demonstrated actions, that it's OK for him to have a different opinion or to decide differently than you do. I wish I could give you a good way to start but for me the "kickstart" was my getting saved.

But the good news is that it can be done. We've actually come to the point where we can joke about how things were. Sometimes when a decision is being made that really is her's to make and I've given my input and she's waffling I'll say something like "would you hurry up and make up our mind." Given that that is probably very much what you feel you need to do now, it' probably doesn't sound all that funny, but afterwards, on the other side of the issue, it is.

Well, thanks for the hope! I find myself asking the question "am I controlling?" and it's so hard to know because he's begging me to control him! As an aggressive person, I naturally like to plan things out, but I would hate to be one of those controlling, possessive wives, ughhhhh that's my worst nightmare! I forced him to go to a bible study BY HIMSELF last night, and he practically begged me to let him stay home with me. He listed excuses for me to cling to like "you probably need help with the baby" "you look like you had a stressful day" "I can put the baby to bed so you can do some work" etc. I don't think that I am controlling, but it's so hard to tell with this kind of behavior. If I said "sure, stay home and help me" the people expecting him at the bible study would probably think that I wouldn't let him out without me there to watch him! This is getting really dysfunctional

 

[LinkH]

If you want things to change it's going to take time and it's going to take some major "backing off" by you. Some would suggest simply refusing to accept added responsibility but the drawback there is that needed things will likely not happen. The real issue is that right now, for whatever reason, he doesn't feel safe in asserting himself. Like I said earlier, if he's at all like me, it's a combination of his past, likely an impossible to please mother, and then your tendency to be agressive only compounds it.

It may not be that he feels unsafe in asserting himself. He could also not have a clear vision of what his role should be. Maybe he acts this way because he genuinely wants to please his wife, and just doesn't realize that she would actually like it if he asserted himself and showed a bit of leadership. Maybe he hasn't contemplated the need for exercising his role as head of the wife in the marriage. God designed it this way for the wive's benefit. If he saw that growing in this area would actually both be good for his wife, and pleasing to the Lord, he may take more interest in it.

He could benefit from spending some time talking about being a husband with a more experienced godly husband who has a real passion for leading his home. Even spending some time with some other brothers who are recently wed and facing the same issues in a Bible study type setting could help him get some encouragement. It that's not available, the married men's only section of this forum is another option.

 

[JaneFW]

I think that I understood the difference between passive and aggressive behaviors, but I was definitely misunderstanding what passive/aggressive behavior in one person is. I'm pretty sure that my husband fits into the "passive" category and that I fit into the "aggressive" category, but now I'm trying to figure out if my husband fits into the "passive/aggressive" category. I think that there is a possibility that he might, which would explain why I am feeling abused and like I need to withdraw to protect myself from his confusing actions (although I recognize that there are plenty of other possibilities).

Sorry, I wasn't sure if you were confusing the passive/aggressive thing. A lot of people are p/a IME. It seems to be the fallback position for many people.

I see that my husband is constantly telling me that he's going to do things (very sincerely) and than not following through. He says that he forgot or that I did not communicate clearly enough, or that he wasn't sure if he understood in the first place. He acts like he's so sincere and caring to my face, but in the end, I always end up feeling like he's completely useless. I feel like he makes dishonest statements in such a way that it makes him look like the "good guy". For example (I mentioned this earlier) when he suggested that I use the "free version" of the expensive software that I need to purchase, and then when I got upset he immediately offered to buy me a brand new computer and the most expensive software version, I feel like he only said this knowing that I would never agree to it. In the end, he looks like the good guy, but still get's what he wants (not purchasing the software). Or he'll go out of his way to be "bad" at something that I know he's completely capable of doing, simply so that he doesn't "qualify" to be enlisted in that project again in the future (and I do it myself). Are these behaviors considered passive/aggressive?

Hmm. I feel like we are married to the same man. That does sound a lot like typical p/a behaviors. I have had this situation arise with my husband where he proposes something, I put my opinion, and he rolls over and just agrees with me - but it's not real agreement, it's just to mollify and end any disagreement. Ugh. Hate that. Not that I want to be "ruled" and bossed around, and I don't think you do either.

You just have to set your deadlines, and be firm with your boundaries, I think.

 

[chaz345]

Well, thanks for the hope! I find myself asking the question "am I controlling?" and it's so hard to know because he's begging me to control him! As an aggressive person, I naturally like to plan things out, but I would hate to be one of those controlling, possessive wives, ughhhhh that's my worst nightmare! I forced him to go to a bible study BY HIMSELF last night, and he practically begged me to let him stay home with me. He listed excuses for me to cling to like "you probably need help with the baby" "you look like you had a stressful day" "I can put the baby to bed so you can do some work" etc. I don't think that I am controlling, but it's so hard to tell with this kind of behavior. If I said "sure, stay home and help me" the people expecting him at the bible study would probably think that I wouldn't let him out without me there to watch him! This is getting really dysfunctional

In terms of the "are you controlling" question the answer is yes, AND no. By that I mean that the dynamic that's been set up is one of you controlling things, but it's not like you want to or are intending to. In fact, like you said, the fact that you are essentially running the whole show is becoming a major drain on you.

The bottom line is that two things need to happen. He needs to learn that it's safe to make the "wrong" decision and that you won't whack him over it. At the same time you need to release the reigns a little so to speak. Like I said, it's not that you've intended to be controlling, it's just a byproduct of the dynamic you have going on.

I can tell you though that the last thing that will be sucessfull, and I'm not saying this is what you've done, is badgering him to step up. Picture it like this. He is a turtle that has withdrawn into it's shell. Sitting there knocking on the shell isn't going to get him to come out. Like I said I wish I had some good first steps for you but i really don't since the thing that got us started moving in the right direction isn't applicable in your case.