Some urgent advice needed

[Boris89]

Hello everyone, it's been quite a while since I last posted here.

I've come to a problematic situation where I've almost completely fallen away from the faith. I spent two years of zealous Church life where I did my best to live as an Orthodox christian. Church services, all-night vigils, daily reading of Scripture, keeping all the fasts, etc. A slow process of "taking it easy" started around that time last year. As of now, Communion is completely out of the question and my last confession (~5 months ago) was a complete failure. I've even gotten to the bottom point of neglecting the Wednesday and Friday fasts.

I also keep falling and falling into my most aggressive passion, keep sinning in other ways and hardly say any prayers. A small part of me, which is still not dead, tells me that going back to Church is the only way to go but I don''t have any resolve to get back on track. My willpower to find a priest for a sincere confession is absolutely nonexistent. Nothing helps, even the thought that my dead relatives are all waiting for me to pray for their souls. Demonic scare-attacks in my sleep also stopped, now that I'm almost completely in their grasp. I only go to the Sunday liturgy, sort of a last position I still havent given up. Has anybody here been in a similar situation and if so, how did you get out of this hellhole?

 

[~Anastasia~]

I must leave in a moment - you have my prayers!

I felt only a small slip and short time of not really wanting to keep everything up. I got a new prayer rule from Father, very short but very frequent - VERY SHORT, and that helped. I'm not saying that's exactly what you need.

Father talked recently of seeing cycles in everyone's spiritual life, that such low points are a given. He said one needs something to energize their faith at that point, to be drawn deeper instead of slipping away.

If you converted a couple of years ago, and were very zealous, it can be difficult to keep up all the "activity" when such a time hits, and letting those things go without replacing them with something else to draw you deeper will have you slipping away.

Hopefully others can help. But for me, it was a simple, easy to keep, but MEANINGFUL thing that made the difference. What that means for you, I cannot say, but is have found frequent prayer, and new attention to reading Scripture to be most helpful. (The EOB, and the translation of the OT in the OSB in some places were especially helpful, coming from a Protestant background, because it opened my eyes to some translation issues.)

Prayers for you!!!

 

[gzt]

Neglecting the fasts is not the bottom point (in fact, they should be the first thing to break - well before you stop reading the Scriptures daily). This is perhaps one of the issues here - misplaced priorities. I know this sounds trite, but have you considered just going to confession? Just getting up and doing it? Pray the rule of preparation, examine your conscience, and then do it. It's not supposed to be an emotional affair. Just tell God your sins in the presence of the priest.

 

[GoingByzantine]

Boris, now is the time to leave worldly things behind and travel to a monastery as a pilgrim. It is in the ascetic lifestyle, that Christ will come back to you and you will be renewed in faith. I am not telling you to become a monk, but I do think you should at the very least take a week off and go on a retreat.

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

Read Psalms every day. You need to renew your relationship. When you are in a trial with temptation, walk away and pray The Lord's Prayer until it passes. Go and do one good deed every day. When you help others you help yourself.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Good advice by everyone here.

Please, if you can, speak to your priest, or to some priest who can help you. I'm glad GoingByzantine mentioned a monastery. I was thinking of your post as I was driving to Church, and Father did say that is often one of the very best ways to renew one's spiritual life. My only visit so far was a brief one, and even so, I received benefit and go back to that in my mind sometimes. I pray you are able to do so!

And certainly Confession as well - but maybe not at the monastery. If it were me, I'd find a parish priest for that, and let someone at the monastery give spiritual guidance. Depending on the monastery though, from what I've been given to understand, the results of confession there might be difficult to bear in your current state.

I prayed for you in the Liturgy - you will remain in my prayers, such as they are, dear brother.

 

[Boris89]

Thank you all very much. Currently I'll have only the weekends free, as I am just starting an obligatory post-graduate training program. There's a monastery near the city I was thinking of visiting every weekend, do any type of physical work they always offer and participate in the daily cycle of services. Your advice finished my last doubts about taking this course of action. I also hope I'll go to confession as soon as possible.

prayed for you in the Liturgy

I definitely felt that, I just wasn't sure where it came from. No need to get into details... you have my sincerest thanks. Many thanks to all the others here also. I'll pray for you as best as I can.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Thank you all very much. Currently I'll have only the weekends free, as I am just starting an obligatory post-graduate training program. There's a monastery near the city I was thinking of visiting every weekend, do any type of physical work they always offer and participate in the daily cycle of services. Your advice finished my last doubts about taking this course of action. I also hope I'll go to confession as soon as possible.

I'm glad there is a monastery close enough. And I do hope you'll be able to go to Confession soon.

I definitely felt that, I just wasn't sure where it came from. No need to get into details... you have my sincerest thanks. Many thanks to all the others here also. I'll pray for you as best as I can.

You probably had others praying for you as well. TAW is wonderful about that, thank God. I just like to say when I'm praying for people on the chance it encourages anyone.

Prayers are always appreciated, but I don't want you to trouble yourself as in putting a burden or expectation upon yourself. If you think of me, then I am grateful - but if there is any thought of "obligation" that comes between you and your prayer time - then please don't let me be the cause of that.


You remain in my prayers. God be with you!!!

 

[truefiction1]

Ephesians 5:9-19

(Today's epistle)

 

[E.C.]

Felt like I was reading my own post here. Needed this, Boris. Thank you.

 

[ArmyMatt]

sounds like you are already at least at step one, since you admit there is an issue with falling away from the faith and that would be tragic. even if all you can muster at one time is to slog through the Liturgy, God will honor your effort. start where you are and water it slightly from there, and let the faith rebuild.

you just gotta be going in the right direction, no one ever said how fast ya know?

 

[Boris89]

Small update: so I got to the monastery and the archimandrite gave me a new prayer rule. I did a confession and managed to keep the fast for a few days now with the morning and evening prayers added. The resistance however is unbelievably fierce. I already fell to agressive gluttony twice which made it impossible to pray in the evening and following morning. In my room I often feel a frightening presence, shivers suddenly going down my whole body, combined with my laptop suddenly turning on and off "for no apparent reason".

It will be a long way to rebuild what was lost but now at least I'm slowly getting back on track.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Continued prayers. I'm glad you were able to go and get some help.

I hope you can continue to get advice.

Did they tell you what to do in these kinds of situations, or did it even come up since this was after? Can you call them? Or ask your priest?

 

[Boris89]

Did they tell you what to do in these kinds of situations, or did it even come up since this was after? Can you call them? Or ask your priest?

I described the situation but since I know the archimandrite from long ago, he didn't give me any new advice on this matter in particular. I just read the "Let God arise..." prayer and 90th Psalm multiple times until everything calmed down.

It's amazing how quiet everything was in the last months when I had abandoned almost everything. Now when I resumed fasting and following the prayer rule, the devil came to me with a determination I've never experienced before. Still it's a clear sign that I'm on the right track.

Thank you for the support, as it is much needed!

 

[~Anastasia~]

I described the situation but since I know the archimandrite from long ago, he didn't give me any new advice on this matter in particular. I just read the "Let God arise..." prayer and 90th Psalm multiple times until everything calmed down.

It's amazing how quiet everything was in the last months when I had abandoned almost everything. Now when I resumed fasting and following the prayer rule, the devil came to me with a determination I've never experienced before.

Thank you for the support, as it is much needed!

It does not surprise me that you find opposition in trying to renew your spiritual focus. Yes, you have my prayers.

God be with you!

 

[ArmyMatt]

continued prayers!