So why have you never dated?

[TheWhat?]

Its unorthodox.

It may be for us. In my generation the idea of soul mates was mainstream. Not so much anymore, obviously. I think we had it wrong though. The idea of a soul mate implies destiny, which requires a higher purpose. Purpose, or a calling, I think is the essential element there which we found to be so romantic. In my opinion we misprioritized feelings over purpose, and collectively ended up in the wasteland of disillusionment over romance that the culture has become. Other, more traditional cultures may still have something of value there to benefit from.

 

[TheWhat?]

That's what we're doing for my daughter. It won't be wholly arranged. She has to be part of the process. But I'll be scouting on her behalf and she's surrounded by wise counselors. Together we'll get it done with God's guidance.

She hasn't dated in a long time. She was focused on school and her calling. I asked what we she wanted and told her to be explicit. She wanted marriage, family, to be home full-time, and to homeschool. I advised her to put dating on the back burner and focus on her purpose.

It would allow her to have that and more. Everyone can't live on one income. I told her if she put things in place she'd make it easier on her husband and he'd value her diligence. Staying home wouldn't be a hardship. She could contribute financially.

I've watched many attempting the same who are married with children. And it's hard. They have less time and greater responsibilities. She didn't have the same. It's the ideal season to do it.

Seeing it unfold was humbling. His wisdom was evident. I've pulled a lot out of my hat but this takes the cake. Its unorthodox. That's why I knew it was Him.

~bella

By the way, I think that's very brave of you. Good on you and I hope God blesses your efforts!

 

[bèlla]

It may be for us. In my generation the idea of soul mates was mainstream.

I don't believe in soul mates in the guise society projects. But I do believe in soul connections established by the Holy One for divine purposes. I have one. When I returned to God I put everyone on the altar. I asked Him to redeem the connections He desired me to have. She's the only one He restored. We have a work to do and we're waiting for His directive. Friendship is the tip of the iceberg. It's not the big kahuna.

In my opinion we misprioritized feelings over purpose, and collectively ended up in the wasteland of disillusionment over romance that the culture has become. Other, more traditional cultures may still have something of value there to benefit from.

In my twenties I realized after a few bumps and bruises that feelings couldn't be my measuring stick or at the helm. They'll lead me astray. I needed a gatekeeper that would bring her under subjection. Otherwise you'll end up jaded.

I redirected the energy towards something positive. I didn't know if I'd marry but if I did I wanted to give him a worthy wife. I started working on myself and developing skills. Singleness wasn't a badge of shame. I was too busy building something beautiful to dwell on that. It led to contentment, peace, joy and all the rest.

My conviction was simple. How have you spent your time while waiting? I didn't want to make excuses or be ashamed for wasting time. I wanted him to be proud. That's what drives me.

I think we need a giant dollop of truth serum. We need to acknowledge what isn't working and stop parroting the things we hear and read. Christ's message is simple. We've overloaded it with so much stuff its burdensome. I can't live like that. He didn't rescue me to put me in bondage of that sort.

Perhaps that's the first step to liberation. Letting go and going back to basics.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

By the way, I think that's very brave of you. Good on you and I hope God blesses your efforts!

Thank you.

I don't think so. I love Him. I want to see my loved ones fulfilling their divine mission. I want them to finish well. I'm doing my part and paying it forward. That's all.

~bella

 

[shineyourlight]

Because the Lord hasn’t told me yet. Growing up, I’ve always been jealous for two- my God and my future husband. It is the Lord who brings me before the man and I will have no other boyfriend before him. I actually did not commit suicide at the age of 15 because I believed God has someone for me and it would be unfair to my future husband and I would never get to know his love. I will never stop believing in that.

While I was living in the United States, I had to hilariously escape and hide from my friends who tried to set me up, my colleagues, and church people who wanted me to marry their son. I craved to be just with my Lord. I would run to Him and see that I fall in no one's eyes. There was one guy whom God was pursuing and I didn’t wanted to come in between because I’m also jealous for the Lord. I wanted the Lord to have this guy’s heart completely for Himself more than anything. It was a test.

I will not go the worldly way. I will not date for my own benefits but the Lord’s. If it’s not rooted in truth, it won’t lead to true love. I know what I’m made for, what God has in store for me, and what He is able to do. I work for Him and He works on my behalf according to His plans and purposes for me. My goals are mainly spiritual. I'm already bearing fruit and content in a loving relationship with Christ that I adore. I desire marriage for His glory.

There must be godly intervention, and not just me and the guy trying to make dating happen or work out for us because of our wants and needs. I look for confirmation and understanding from at least these three witnesses before I want to date someone:

> Inner witness of the Holy Spirt confirming that it is indeed acceptable to the Lord,
> God’s leading through the scripture confirming how it is honoring to the Lord,
> Physical circumstances and signs that reveal God’s hand in it, confirming His will.

I admire your values! I do date, but haven't since winter time.

I’ve dated in the past and expect to do so in the future. Getting acclimated to the process within Christian circles took a lot of adjusting. I’ve had an opportunity to weigh my experiences and the ideals I encountered on the subject. For the most part it left me wanting and stressed.

The emphasis on marriage and despondency about singleness was new to me. I don’t feel that way or want to experience it again. Spiritual maturity has given me a greater appreciation for temperance.

I don’t want a partner driven by desperation or fear. I want someone sober-minded who’s content in the here and now. It creates a healthy balance and better environment for acquaintance.

I suppose I’m seeking someone who doesn’t stake their being on companionship. It’s difficult to find but worth the wait.

~bella

It feels like you took the words right out of my mouth.

A life changing book is "Boundaries in Dating" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dating-Healthy-Choices-Relationships/dp/0310200342)

 

[bèlla]

It feels like you took the words right out of my mouth.

A life changing book is "Boundaries in Dating" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Great book. A definite must read. The books I rated best are:

The Mingling of Souls
The Meaning of Marriage
The Four Laws of Love
The Dating Manifesto
The Wait
Women Who Win at Love
The Happy Wives Club
His Needs, Her Needs

~bella

 

[trophy33]

Perhaps that's the first step to liberation. Letting go and going back to basics.

True. Minimalism is such a great remedy for our overcomplicated world.

 

[mojoboy31]

Why have I never dated? Two good reasons: my face and my personality

Sorry. Lol

 

[trophy33]

I have not dated for a long time, for years. For me, the juice is not worth the squeeze anymore.

Women bring almost nothing to the table these days and are very demanding.

Also, today's marriage is basically a statement that she can go any time she wants and take half of the money and children with her (and the man will pay for their lifestyle). Not very motivational for her to stay in marriage. And not very motivational for men to marry.

Honor to any woman that is exceptional in this. But there are very few in younger generations.

 

[GospelS]

I admire your values! I do date, but haven't since winter time.

Thank you! Good to see you back. You sure shine your light.

 

[Cormack]

I think the "American" way isn't always the best. It's helpful to learn about other cultures.

USA! USA! USA!

To be fair, America style dating just has more areas in which the whole thing can go sideways due to us.

Arranged marriages are statistically so successful because there’s a lot of cultural and familial horsepower behind the entire enterprise. On paper it’s far more successful, even mail order brides end up being a statically more attractive prospect for men if the end goal is to stay married.

You might not speak the same languages very well, like the same foods or enjoy the same music style, but the numbers say that these couples last.

American style dating requires that people are more socially savvy, more personable and a whole swath of other skills that lots of people simply don’t have.

And because people don’t have those skills the demanding, harsh and competitive environment of American style dating crushes their spirit , often before they’ve developed those key skills and gotten good at the sport.

 

[jacknife]

It's not that i've never dated but I havn't in years. I'm trying to get back into it but i'm having like the opposite problem you guys on this fourm have. I'm surrounded by christian girls half the time i'm not sure if their intrested in me or trying to convert me on our dates.

 

[EpicScore]

It's not that i've never dated but I havn't in years. I'm trying to get back into it but i'm having like the opposite problem you guys on this fourm have. I'm surrounded by christian girls half the time i'm not sure if their intrested in me or trying to convert me on our dates.

Those things don't have to be mutually exclusive though. If they are really interested in you, they'd naturally also want you to experience and share in the joy of salvation, even if you might not agree with that sentiment.

As for my own lack of dating experience, I simply never had any desire or need for a romantic or sexual entanglements. There has been attempts by my family and friends to introduce me to their other families and friends in hopes of making a match, but the very possibility/expectation of romance just sours the relationship from the start. The only reason I'd ever entertain the idea of marrying is pragmatism anyway, and as @myst33 said, people shouldn't marry anyone who is only going to take advantage of the relationship instead of contributing to it.

 

[Ceallaigh]

Probably because I'm probably autistic.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Because the Lord hasn’t told me yet.

I never really understood this, and this is in any context when making a decision life. I mean, it's one thing to go to God about marriage or something serious...but...this is just dating, going out to dinner, nothing more, yes?

I recall a woman I was talking to that worked at a Christian card/book store. We got to talking about college and such. I was still going, and she told me she dropped out because "God told her to"...I kind of gave a strange look, as I was thinking "Nah, I think that's probably all you, and you probably just didn't like college".

Are you sure you're just not shy or the kind of person that's a bit introverted? You have something that's holding you back?

Sometimes I think it's more psychological if anything.

I've noticed this a lot on these here singles forums...a lot of people that are dead set on NOT dating....because sometimes these very types of posts keep popping up.

I wonder if they are acknowledging a problem than just using God as a reason? You know, since it keeps being brought up?

Do some here not even get out of the house to socialize (the women mainly) because they are afraid men might ask them out?

Also, this is actually not exclusive ONLY to Christians, but Americans in general. Articles about about singles marrying much later in age...which I think is a good thing. LIke in their 30s. Not sure the ones insistent on not dating are 30+ though?

It's one thing to hold off on marriagebut just a date or dating? It puzzles me.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

As for my own lack of dating experience, I simply never had any desire or need for a romantic or sexual entanglements. There has been attempts by my family and friends to introduce me to their other families and friends in hopes of making a match, but the very possibility/expectation of romance just sours the relationship from the start.

I'd be happy with friends introducing me. Heck, I'm the guy that would meet a woman, talk to her a bit, then find out she's friends with my friend, and I'd ask, "Hey, is your friend single?" lol

Me having been single for so long, with years of dryspell in between dates, has left me wanting more. Just saying.

 

[Cormack]

I've noticed this a lot on these here singles forums...a lot of people that are dead set on NOT dating....because sometimes these very types of posts keep popping up.

I wonder if they are acknowledging a problem than just using God as a reason?

God cope. I’ve read from a good few posters recently who have constructed an elaborate apologetic to do with why they’re single.

It’s not Gods wills, depravity of the culture, no “God fearing” people out there, I shouldn’t have to compete if they really like me, everyone’s materialistic anyway.

At some point the case for why they’re single becomes so all encompassing it seems as thought no relationship is truly valid in their eyes.

It’s the kind of thing people need to soberly reflect on and ask themselves if that’s what they’re doing, and if it is, do they want to keep bemoaning their state, or would they sooner reach out for tips and support to get what they really want moving forward. We all have blind spots after all.

No shade on @GospelS Although she’s the recipient of @ThisIsMe123 reply, I’m thinking more about my past interactions with many Christians. God might really have called her to single status for a season.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

God cope. I’ve read from a good few posters recently who have constructed an elaborate apologetic to do with why they’re single.

It’s not Gods wills, depravity of the culture, no “God fearing” people out there, I shouldn’t have to compete if they really like me, everyone’s materialistic anyway.

At some point the case for why they’re single becomes so all encompassing it seems as thought no relationship is truly valid in their eyes.

It’s the kind of thing people need to soberly reflect on and ask themselves if that’s what they’re doing, and if it is, do they want to keep bemoaning their state, or would they sooner reach out for tips and support to get what they really want moving forward. We all have blind spots after all.

No shade on @GospelS Although she’s the recipient of @ThisIsMe123 reply, I’m thinking more about my past interactions with many Christians. God might really have called her to single status for a season.

Not sure I really understood the first half of your post...sorry. I think I kind of get what you're saying though.

I'd be curious about her age though. In her 20s, I can see her not wanting to date or put off dating. But 30s is the prime time in peoples' lives that are more so motivated to find someone. Just saying.

 

[Cormack]

Not sure I really understood the first half of your post...sorry. I think I kind of get what you're saying though.

I mean some people get really creative about why they’re single. So creative that in the worst case situation, at least in their mind, there’s a massive God shaped accomplice keeping them single.

That’s just not the case though, the simplest answer is the correct one, and just by talking you can normally tell there are deeper reasons why they aren’t ready to put themselves out there.

But 30s is the prime time in peoples' lives that are more so motivated to find someone. Just saying.

I think that’s very true for ladies. Female fertility falls off the map by age 35 after all, so if young women haven’t met the man they’re going to settle down with in their twenties, and if they don’t have children already, it’s going to be a rough few years racing against time in their thirties. The IVF lottery doesn’t sound like a very desirable use of her thirties either.

Men are different, we age like fine wine

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I mean some people get really creative about why they’re single. So creative that in the worst cases situation, at least in their mind, there’s a massive God shaped accomplice keeping them single.

That’s just not the case though, the simplest answer is the correct one, and just by talking you can normally tell there are deeper reasons why they aren’t ready to put themselves out there.



I think that’s very true for ladies. Female fertility falls off the map by age 35 after all, so if young women haven’t met the man they’re going to settle down with in their twenties, and if they don’t have children already, it’s going to be a rough few years racing against time in their thirties. The IVF lottery doesn’t sound like a very desirable use of her thirties either.

Men are different, we age like fine wine

Yeah, there's this woman at work, age 21, when she was going to college, she dated a guy...but she told me that she felt she wasn't even ready for a relationship back then...and that was good.

Where I live, people marry their high school sweet hearts before legal drinking age. This was typical of small town Christians or just small towns people. I recall a woman I was in college with, still living with her parents, said her parents chaperoned with her boyfriend in tow. lol

So I couldn't even date, because no one was available after the age of 18 or 21. lol