Slow dancing with someone who is not your spouse.

[aiki]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse?

My first response is to wonder why one would slow dance with anyone who was not one's spouse - especially if that person is just a friend. Not good.

I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces.

Uh, yeah. WRONG. Your husband has behaved very badly.

I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled.

Are you controlling? Is his behaviour some kind of passive-aggressive response to your attempts to control him? There are two sides to every story.

I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

Sometimes anger is appropriate. Betrayal shouldn't be greeted with a smile and a "Oh, that's okay!" response. Your anger, though, shouldn't be used as a manipulative tool, either.

 

[Grace2022]

I disagree. If you love someone you do not dance with anyone else except an elderly relative or suchlike at a family do! Absolutely not another woman when your wife is home ill. To then be photographed is taking the p--s bigtime!
It's disrespect and i would deal with my partner for sure. How would he like it the other way around? Whose feelings can this poster discuss if not her own which are hurt badly? Her husband needs a short sharp shock to learn how to behave. My sympathy is with her totally.

 

[PeterDona]

It is good for a man not to touch a woman (1 cor 7:1)
But to avoid fornication, let each have his own woman.

Slow dancing is a kind of touching that goes further than a handshake. I do not see how a man would do that with someone else than his wife. That just transgresses the boundary towards fornication right there.

 

[Grace2022]

I utterly agree.

 

[Archivist]

I have to agree with what several others have said on this thread--there is nothing inappropriate about a man slow dancing with a female friend. I honestly don't understand why this would bother you so much.

I will be having lunch with a female former coworker later this week. She is married, I am not. We are friends, there is nothing romantic here. I don't see why it would be wrong for a married individual to be friends with a person of the opposite sex.

 

[redleghunter]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

Mind me asking what yearly event this is? Is alcohol served?

 

[Vicomte13]

"These were two people who should have had my back, but didn't. They are both regretful since I called them both out for their actions, but I feel betrayed because I never would have over stepped any boundaries that would have affected others. They clearly didn't care that their actions would hurt me."


Fear-anger-resentment. That's how the mind works. If you want to get to forgiveness faster start recognizing the fear. If when we are angry and we don't go back and do an inventory of ourselves and deal with the fear then anger becomes resentment which will become sin.

I am fearful of my husband not respecting my boundaries.
I am fearful of not being respected.
I am fearful of trusting people.
I am fearful of being betrayed.


I just found four.

Wise words.

 

[redleghunter]

"These were two people who should have had my back, but didn't. They are both regretful since I called them both out for their actions, but I feel betrayed because I never would have over stepped any boundaries that would have affected others. They clearly didn't care that their actions would hurt me."


Fear-anger-resentment. That's how the mind works. If you want to get to forgiveness faster start recognizing the fear. If when we are angry and we don't go back and do an inventory of ourselves and deal with the fear then anger becomes resentment which will become sin.

I am fearful of my husband not respecting my boundaries.
I am fearful of not being respected.
I am fearful of trusting people.
I am fearful of being betrayed.


I just found four.

 

[unfinishedclay]

"These were two people who should have had my back, but didn't. They are both regretful since I called them both out for their actions, but I feel betrayed because I never would have over stepped any boundaries that would have affected others. They clearly didn't care that their actions would hurt me."


Fear-anger-resentment. That's how the mind works. If you want to get to forgiveness faster start recognizing the fear. If when we are angry and we don't go back and do an inventory of ourselves and deal with the fear then anger becomes resentment which will become sin.

I am fearful of my husband not respecting my boundaries.
I am fearful of not being respected.
I am fearful of trusting people.
I am fearful of being betrayed.


I just found four.

Do you realize that wayward spouses flock themselves around friends who rest these heavy standards on the shoulders of loyal spouses? And worse, there are sermons that use such an approach on questionable actions and thus, enable views on boundaries. This is partly why we have such an epidemic of adultery right within the church. Too many people with key positions and influential voices refuse to use discernment. Discernment is a detection of the unseen, unspoken, and unfelt by actions that are Scripturally addressed. If we twist Scripture and make it slap the wrist of the person who recognizes wrong being done, our communication about the problem staring us in the face can become incredibly toxic. And it happens all the time in our churches.

 

[Ancient of Days]

What in the world?

 

[Myychael]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

 

[unfinishedclay]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

PrPhan2, you are absolutely correct about feeling that boundaries have been crossed. There are secular marriage websites where you can visit and get firmer answers about 5 star loyalty and boundaries concerning marriage than among many of our fellow believers. And it's sad. Because we have Biblical passages that make it crystal clear on how spouses are supposed to conduct ourselves with others.

Stand your ground on this. As you forgive. Forgiving him does not mean seeing some kind of wrong in you in order to do so and it does not mean there is fear in you. Yes it does mean recognizing God's grace and forgiveness of your own sins apart from this. But there is no wrong to assign to you for seeing his fault in this.

Recognize the wrong for what it is: He did so something that he wouldn't want you doing unless he practices free love. Not with bodies touching and smiling. That's awfully close. To forgive him, you've got to know there's something that needs to be forgiven. And there is.

Then you pray. And confront him. She made no vows to you. Discuss boundaries with him. And keep praying because triggers can occur. Distrust occurs. Communicate. Your recognition of this as wrong is no error reflecting on you at all. Ask God.

 

[Ronald]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

It is customary for people to dance with multiple partners, young and old, married or single. Have you watched Dancing with the Stars? Are any of those people romantically charhed? Some of them are married. A dance is fun, it's artistic, it's exercise and social - don't assume it's anything but that.
If he is seeing this person on the side then I would be suspicious.
35 years is a long time to stick around if someone doesn't love you. Is he giving other reasons to lead you to feel insecure: lack of attention, romance, sex, laughter, fun, communication, kindness, interest in you?
Other signs are constant, repeated arguments, abusive behavior or language. ??

A dance is the least of your worries dear.

 

[Ancient of Days]

Do you realize that wayward spouses flock themselves around friends who rest these heavy standards on the shoulders of loyal spouses? And worse, there are sermons that use such an approach on questionable actions and thus, enable views on boundaries. This is partly why we have such an epidemic of adultery right within the church. Too many people with key positions and influential voices refuse to use discernment. Discernment is a detection of the unseen, unspoken, and unfelt by actions that are Scripturally addressed. If we twist Scripture and make it slap the wrist of the person who recognizes wrong being done, our communication about the problem staring us in the face can become incredibly toxic. And it happens all the time in our churches.

Did you even bother to read through the WHOLE thread?

 

[Ancient of Days]

PrPhan2, you are absolutely correct about feeling that boundaries have been crossed. There are secular marriage websites where you can visit and get firmer answers about 5 star loyalty and boundaries concerning marriage than among many of our fellow believers. And it's sad. Because we have Biblical passages that make it crystal clear on how spouses are supposed to conduct ourselves with others.

Stand your ground on this. As you forgive. Forgiving him does not mean seeing some kind of wrong in you in order to do so and it does not mean there is fear in you. Yes it does mean recognizing God's grace and forgiveness of your own sins apart from this. But there is no wrong to assign to you for seeing his fault in this.

Recognize the wrong for what it is: He did so something that he wouldn't want you doing unless he practices free love. Not with bodies touching and smiling. That's awfully close. To forgive him, you've got to know there's something that needs to be forgiven. And there is.

Then you pray. And confront him. She made no vows to you. Discuss boundaries with him. And keep praying because triggers can occur. Distrust occurs. Communicate. Your recognition of this as wrong is no error reflecting on you at all. Ask God.

How could you possibly come to all of those conclusions when you have only heard HALF of the story? The OP asked a specific question. "Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?" Or did you just glaze over that part in your haste to chastise her husband?

 

[RDKirk]

I think you and your husband need to work on your relationship, beyond this particular incident.

I, as a husband of 34 years, would not have gone out that night and left my wife at home sick. So IMO, the issue want astray when he went out the door.

 

[unfinishedclay]

Did you even bother to read through the WHOLE thread?

Yes

 

[unfinishedclay]

How could you possibly come to all of those conclusions when you have only heard HALF of the story? The OP asked a specific question. "Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?" Or did you just glaze over that part in your haste to chastise her husband?

If he's dancing with another woman in such close contact that they are touching in other places besides arm-to-arm + they're smiling (unless they're smiling while looking up at the ceiling), HALF is all the story anybody needs to validate her feelings. She's his wife. You're also relying on limited information in order to point out some kind of fear that must be the real issue here.

Is there no care for what the Bible says?

 

[Ancient of Days]

"Is there no care for what the Bible says?" That is where I always start from and finish at. How about "judge not less ye be judged"

"HALF is all the story anybody needs to validate her feelings"
Our most common mistake is to believe our feelings and to act on them as if they were reasoned judgments. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS! They may disguise themselves as thoughts, judgments, or decisions; but they are in fact merely impulsive, unreasoning and childish reactions to stimuli. Most stem basically from fear.

And again, she asked a specific question. "Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?" Healing from something takes doing a personal inventory. And that means cleaning "our" side of the street and what others have done to us becomes irrelevant at that point. Is she better off talking with her husband when she is very angry or a day or two later when she has had a chance to review what has transpired?

 

[Ancient of Days]

"HALF is all the story anybody needs to validate her feelings"

Is that how you make decisions? By only hearing half the story? Really?