Slow dancing with someone who is not your spouse.

[Prphan2]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

 

[Ancient of Days]

Trust me when I say: Its a fear. (9 out of ten times when we are angry its because we experienced a fear) So, what is the fear? Chew on that before you answer...

 

[MissRowy]

I do agree with Ancient of Days regarding that

 

[Prphan2]

Trust me when I say: Its a fear. (9 out of ten times when we are angry its because we experienced a fear) So, what is the fear? Chew on that before you answer...

Nothing to do with fear, but there are boundaries in every relationship and those boundaries need to be respected and upheld. I had a front row seat in watching a church implode because boundaries were passed.

These were two people who should have had my back, but didn't. They are both regretful since I called them both out for their actions, but I feel betrayed because I never would have over stepped any boundaries that would have affected others. They clearly didn't care that their actions would hurt me.

 

[Prphan2]

Nothing to do with fear, but there are boundaries in every relationship and those boundaries need to be respected and upheld. I had a front row seat in watching a church implode because boundaries were passed.

 

[ewq1938]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

Your husband should not be touching or slow dancing with another woman like that nor should he be ignoring your texts.

 

[Ancient of Days]

Nothing to do with fear, but there are boundaries in every relationship and those boundaries need to be respected and upheld. I had a front row seat in watching a church implode because boundaries were passed.

"These were two people who should have had my back, but didn't. They are both regretful since I called them both out for their actions, but I feel betrayed because I never would have over stepped any boundaries that would have affected others. They clearly didn't care that their actions would hurt me."


Fear-anger-resentment. That's how the mind works. If you want to get to forgiveness faster start recognizing the fear. If when we are angry and we don't go back and do an inventory of ourselves and deal with the fear then anger becomes resentment which will become sin.

I am fearful of my husband not respecting my boundaries.
I am fearful of not being respected.
I am fearful of trusting people.
I am fearful of being betrayed.


I just found four.

 

[Tom 1]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

That’s not right, and he knows it. I’d speak to someone you trust about what steps you want to take to be able to have a clear conversation with your husband about this.

 

[Grace2022]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

Hi
You are absolutely right. It is totally unacceptable for your man to do this. I would never stand for it. You are either together or not.
Talk to him calmly but very firmly. Do not raise your voice. Tell him you feel hurt and need an explanation and apology. Ask him whether there is anything going on? Be brave and then act accordingly. You are his wife, he better remember it.
Just because we are christians does not mean we are doormats. There must be mutual respect and faithfulness in a relationship.

 

[drjean]

Hmmm if you feel the need to remind your spouse how to behave appropriately, there are deeper issues than that imo. Seek couples counseling; if he won't go, then talk it out between yourselves, if he refuses because he "doesn't want to be controlled" well, then, you have your answer: the relationship is over. He won't even control himself.

 

[Sarah G]

Your feelings are valid.

The FB aspect of it would have me livid more than the dancing. I would see that as a public betrayal and humiliation. I wouldn't like the dancing aspect of it but could forgive it relatively easily if he told me it happened and he regretted it, that he was lonely and emotional.
Facebook is the source of so much strife in the world, eugh.
When I am mad at my husband I ask myself if it is a deal-breaker (am I going to leave him for it?) if not then I do my best to forgive and move on as quickly as possible for the sake of love, peace and sanity. That doesn't mean that my feelings are not valid though and I certainly should not be blamed, shamed, criticised or gas-lighted for having the feelings.
It would be a bit weird if you weren't hurt or angry, in my opinion.

 

[Albion]

In answer to the question, no, there is nothing inherently wrong with slow dancing with a non-spouse. But the circumstances can affect the answer.

You probably cannot get to the real answers unless you two talk candidly about it. It might be that you overreacted, or it could be that the two of them did cross one or more lines. There's really no way of knowing from the description we have here.

 

[paul1149]

I would say your guidelines regarding the dancing are sound. However, this business about laying down the law with him is very problematic. Something is missing in your relationship: problem-solving communication and trust in the level of mutual commitment. You shouldn't have had to remind him - by text, of all things - of proper boundaries. It's been 35 years. You two should know each other very well by now, and have come to agreements on what is allowable and what is not. This is not about a one-off slow dance. There are deeper issues that need to be addressed. The rebellion is not good, but neither is the control.

The way to deal with the anger is to realize what's behind it, whether it be pride or the fear of losing your husband. I find that very often I have to go to God and place everything on the altar, in the manner of Abraham with Isaac. God alone is our source. Everything else, even including marriage and spouse, is a gift from Him. We should be willing, if need be, to lose everything for His sake. Once you make that consecration, you are free, and peace will return to you. Then you will be able to deal with the situation at hand in the most effective and godly manner.

 

[FireDragon76]

You have more serious problems in your relationship because you aren't communicating well and there is not as much trust as you think there should be. It's more serious than it looks.

No spouse is a robot in a relationship, you can't make them do things they don't want to do and it's important there is respect in the relationship. If he's doing things that make you this upset, and he's doing them thoughtlessly, that's a sign that you two are no longer on the same page and not communicating and being honest.

Some people have the tendency to think that just because they get married, that somehow that itself will glue two people together and take away the ambiguity of relationships, and it really won't. People actually have to love each other and be committed to each other because each one actually gives something to the other one that is desirable. If trust and loyalty breaks down, that can signal that the relationship has changed, and perhaps an outside factor is coming into play.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hi friends,
What are your thoughts regarding one spouse slow, romantic dancing with someone who is not their spouse? Add into the mix, the spouse was home sick, completely bummed that she(me) could not attend the event that she looks forward to all year. I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces. I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to. I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled. I'm so angry at the two of them and am struggling to forgive them for having bad judgement. Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

Questions...who posted the photo on Facebook and who wrote the comment
about "others were taking your place"?
Be real mindful of whom you take in as friends...the Bible say that the righteous
should choose they friends carefully...Proverbs 12:26.

You see this is devilment, the evil one be lurking about, poking at you, seeking ways to have christian married couples going at one another, disrespecting each other and "allowing" others to participate in the dismemberment of marriage.
The world be watching and taking notice of how things are between married christians and too often they see a bad representation...our example is that the majority of christian marriages also reflects of our walk with the Lord...which be lacking, lowly, riddled with worry and doubts.
It's hard to be "lights" in this dark world when our marriages aren't representing
the way Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her...Ephesians 5:21-33.

I don't know the inner workings of your marriage and how you all go about
caring and respecting one another; however, it be apparent that you and your
husband aren't on the same page.
Recommendation: Marriage counseling asap!

 

[Sketcher]

What this a pause in a regular dance, or was it really a slow dance?

 

[Hank77]

I read your post then all the others, giving several agrees, but then I began to wondered if there was a misunderstanding and that there never was anything 'going on' including 'slow dancing.'

I happened to check into Facebook and found a picture of my husband of 35 years holding a friend up tight & personal to his body, with a comment that "others were stepping in to take my place" with the two of them having silly grins on their faces.

Silly grins means what? Where they teasing you because you had texted.....

I should also point out that I had sent him a text asking if he was planning on dancing, which he never responded to.

asking if he was planning on dancing. I could see this happening, not a very mature thing to do but sometimes humans don't act with maturity and Facebook certainly isn't a place that encourages it.

I was fine with him fast dancing the night away, but would have reminded him that slow dancing was off limits, but he disregarded my text, stating later that he didn't want to be controlled.

He disregarded your text asking if he was going to be dancing? He may have seen this as distrusting him and needing to control him, rather than wondering if you were maybe insecure and lonely. If he thought of it that way first he may not have responded the way he did.

Any thoughts of what I can do personally to eliminate the anger I feel towards both of them?

Pray first then....
I would talk to your friend and your husband separately and calmly ask them what the Facebook post was about. Call me naive but if it were me I would have first thought of it as teasing.

 

[LoricaLady]

Hi
You are absolutely right. It is totally unacceptable for your man to do this. I would never stand for it. You are either together or not.
Talk to him calmly but very firmly. Do not raise your voice. Tell him you feel hurt and need an explanation and apology. Ask him whether there is anything going on? Be brave and then act accordingly. You are his wife, he better remember it.
Just because we are christians does not mean we are doormats. There must be mutual respect and faithfulness in a relationship.

Ditto to the above.

 

[LoricaLady]

P.S. I would add that I would get that lady "friend" out of your life as much as possible. She is bad news. She is, as others have said, violating your boundaries and is acting way inappropriately toward someone else's husband. People not only tend to continue on with bad patterns, but to escalate in them. Your words of disappointment or whatever, I believe, will be met with denial or dismissiveness, maybe phony apologies. Further I would tell you husband that you want him to keep a distance from her. If he won't agree, I strongly suggest marital counseling.

 

[Zatek]

It sounds to me lie you're being childish. Dancing and having fun is not sinful or sexual in and of itself. I train BJJ\MMA and I am touching other guys, occasionally they are teenagers, between their legs (closed guard). But it is not sexual or gay at all and neither is dancing sexual just because their bodies are close.

You were sick and needed rest, but that doesn't mean you need to ruin his night too. You should be happy that he had some fun. You weren't suffering from a severe illness, just a normal illness that takes you a few days to recover.

My biggest concern is how you only talk about your feelings. If this is your husband you love s why don't his feelings matter? Can't you be happy he had fun? Why not say "I saw the pictures and it looked like a lot of fun, lets go together when I feel better"? There is nothing wrong with dancing and it jus makes you look insecure and selfish when you only talk about your own feelings.