Singles room

[trophy33]

What???? No!

Inability to accommodate to situation or repeating the same failing strategy again and again is not a good mindset.

 

[DragonFox91]

I think that until I am able to meet singles more consistently, it's impossible to tell what I am doing right or wrong.

 

[TheLastGeek]

Your first post is exactly right, Geek. I am interested in someone compatible & right. If she's not the right one, it WON'T work. I understand that & would be willing to SAY NO myself. Just like when picking friends. Just like any other kind of relationship.

For your 3rd post, you never had a time where you made a mistake & got upset at yourself about it? Why would I not be able to handle a relationship? I have lots of relationships, just not that kind.

You never have a dream or project, put it to the side, & then after a time realize no progress has been made on the dream or project?

I have never broken down and cried and then beaten myself up to the point where my whole day is ruined, because I missed going to church. No, that's not normal, my friend.

What we're noticing here is not that the things you want or react to are abnormal. It's the extent of your reactions. They are not in proportion to the events. They're exaggerated, to the point where they really seem unhealthy. And we want you to be healthy and well.

 

[TheLastGeek]

Comes from years & years of no progress on this.

Meeting your future spouse is not a project. It's an event that happens once. You have no idea when you might walk around a corner and bump into her. Instead of spiraling into despair that it hasn't happened yet, focus on what you can be doing now, in the time that you're waiting, to become the man she deserves.

 

[TheLastGeek]

I think that until I am able to meet singles more consistently, it's impossible to tell what I am doing right or wrong.

As a woman, I can tell you that being obsessed with "meeting singles/girls/women" and falling into despair over small things, like missing church, are things you're doing wrong, and these would immediately put me off from being interested in a man.

 

[DragonFox91]

Yes, tonight I am lonely. I don't think it'll ever happen for me. I feel like I
am a failure because I failed at my dream

 

[DragonFox91]

Inability to accommodate to situation or repeating the same failing strategy again and again is not a good mindset.

Then I am a failure

 

[trophy33]

Then I am a failure

Fine, then you are a failure. And? What next? Get up and fight. Defeatist mindset will not get you anywhere.

Not only is emotional weakness not attractive, its also very bad for relationships. It would create a lot of drama and problems, so it may be actually better you are still single. Almost all problems I can remember from my serious relationships were rooted in emotionalism, in exaggerating small things and both me and them were needlessly hurt and our life needlessly complicated, because of that.

You are right that when you will actually become a stable man, you will not need a woman to be happy. And its a paradox that this will be the stage you will be the most attractive/ready for marriage. But you will have freedom to either take it or not (if the chance will come), you will not be a slave to this "dream".

Edit: English

 

[DragonFox91]

I am miserable this morning. It never changes. I feel like I'm still stuck in middle school where everyone's going out with someone & all I get to do is watch. What am I supposed to be doing? Why
doesn't it get better? I am heartbroken

Oh well, I have things to do today. Best thing to do is to keep busy & then in a few months from now remember I'm still stuck & it still hasn't changed. I will be single forever.

Also, I'm pretty sure I don't give off desperation. I'm not really meeting singles in person so how do I give off desperation to turn them away when I'm not even meeting them?? & conversation rarely goes to talk about dating w/ my network, so not there either, nope (aside from a really good friend, but that's it, & we just talk about it privately)

 

[DragonFox91]

Well I just got home. I thought it would help me break out of my funk, but
I am still very sad.

Also let me tell you about my breakdown Sunday: I didn't take my anxiety medication for a week. I wanted to remind myself that my dating situation still hasn't changed & be upset about it. They help a lot; & not taking them for that long would be a BIG mistake if I ever were to date & get married. So Sunday when I realized I wasn't going to make it to church, it was the culmination of not taking them. I don't regret not taking them. I liked the reminder I still have a dream unfulfilled. The medication is just a Band-Aid or mask over the problem
that's still there. It doesn't cure my singleness. It just makes it so it doesn't hurt as bad.

 

[DragonFox91]

I need to get better at praying about it. Usually my prayers involve thanksgiving & praise.

 

[TheLastGeek]

Also, I'm pretty sure I don't give off desperation. I'm not really meeting singles in person so how do I give off desperation to turn them away when I'm not even meeting them?? & conversation rarely goes to talk about dating w/ my network, so not there either, nope (aside from a really good friend, but that's it, & we just talk about it privately)

We can feel it through your posts. Trust me, women feel it when they're physically around you, too.

Find a professional to talk to, please.

 

[DragonFox91]

We can feel it through your posts. Trust me, women feel it when they're physically around you, too.

Find a professional to talk to, please.

I saw a secular psychologist a couple times. I thought it was pretty useless. Just keep expanding your network, it’ll happen when it happens, blah blah blah.

I talk to a pastor when it gets really bad.

 

[TheLastGeek]

I saw a secular psychologist a couple times. I thought it was pretty useless. Just keep expanding your network, it’ll happen when it happens, blah blah blah.

I talk to a pastor when it gets really bad.

Pastors - for all their good intentions - aren't equipped to deal with complex psychological, personality, and behavioral issues. Since you only saw one secular psychologist "a couple of times", I'd highly recommend considering finding another, more helpful one.

 

[DragonFox91]

Pastors - for all their good intentions - aren't equipped to deal with complex psychological, personality, and behavioral issues. Since you only saw one secular psychologist "a couple of times", I'd highly recommend considering finding another, more helpful one.

There really isn't anything they can do. They can't force love.

They say nonsense like 'join a church'. 'okay already am.'
'go to Sunday School.' 'Already do.'
'Get to know them. 'Already do.'
'Go to meetup groups.' 'Already do.'
'Get a job.' 'Already do.'
'Get your finances in order.' 'Already are.'
'Try dating sites.' 'Useless.'
'Try asking a coworker.' 'There's not any.'
'Try different churches.' 'You're not supposed to & it's all of the same'
'Do stuff with friends.' 'Already do.'
'Do stuff with neighbors.' 'Already do.'
'Oh okay, it'll happen when it happens. Just keep trying. You're still young. You're only 30. Maybe come back wen you're 50.'


It's a waste. It's why I also find your 'put in some work' comment in the other
thread a little short-sighted of the situation at hand.

It's just dumb. At what ponit does it become I have to be single my whole life & there's nothing I can do to change it???? What am I supposed to be doing, Last? Where am I going wrong??? It's absolutely frustrating. It's like I've done everything I've supposed to & I still can't find the one. No neighbor. No one at church. No one at work. No friend of a friend. No one ever has a niece. No one ever says 'hey did you meet X girl who's single?' Nope, never. Nunca! I'm sorry I sound so bitter & upset but I'm completely clueless & stuck what I'm supposed to be doing different. It's like I've checked every box on the 'how to get a girlfriend & get married' list & never happened.

That reminds me, I used to have an old thread here on this. This may be a lot of new information for you. But we discussed this in an old thread. I can post the link to it & you can review it.

 

[TheLastGeek]

There really isn't anything they can do. They can't force love.

They say nonsense like 'join a church'. 'okay already am.'
'go to Sunday School.' 'Already do.'
'Get to know them. 'Already do.'
'Go to meetup groups.' 'Already do.'
'Get a job.' 'Already do.'
'Get your finances in order.' 'Already are.'
'Try dating sites.' 'Useless.'
'Try asking a coworker.' 'There's not any.'
'Try different churches.' 'You're not supposed to & it's all of the same'
'Do stuff with friends.' 'Already do.'
'Do stuff with neighbors.' 'Already do.'
'Oh okay, it'll happen when it happens. Just keep trying. You're still young. You're only 30. Maybe come back wen you're 50.'


It's a waste. It's why I also find your 'put in some work' comment in the other
thread a little short-sighted of the situation at hand.

It's just dumb. At what ponit does it become I have to be single my whole life & there's nothing I can do to change it???? What am I supposed to be doing, Last? Where am I going wrong??? It's absolutely frustrating. It's like I've done everything I've supposed to & I still can't find the one. No neighbor. No one at church. No one at work. No friend of a friend. No one ever has a niece. No one ever says 'hey did you meet X girl who's single?' Nope, never. Nunca! I'm sorry I sound so bitter & upset but I'm completely clueless & stuck what I'm supposed to be doing different. It's like I've checked every box on the 'how to get a girlfriend & get married' list & never happened.

That reminds me, I used to have an old thread here on this. This may be a lot of new information for you. But we discussed this in an old thread. I can post the link to it & you can review it.

It's not a counselor's job to force love into your life. You said that you'd seen one secular counselor a couple of times, and that was it. That is not giving professional counseling a fair chance to help you. Now, if you're going to simply repeat that it won't work and it's pointless and it's dumb and it's a waste, and wallow in your misery, that is your choice. The fact remains that there is help out there for you. You can choose to reach out for it and be willing to work to improve your life and your mental state, or you can choose to sit where you are and continue to complain about how unfair everything is.

Bottom line: There's help. It's up to you to choose to take it, or not.

 

[DragonFox91]

It's not a counselor's job to force love into your life. You said that you'd seen one secular counselor a couple of times, and that was it. That is not giving professional counseling a fair chance to help you. Now, if you're going to simply repeat that it won't work and it's pointless and it's dumb and it's a waste, and wallow in your misery, that is your choice. The fact remains that there is help out there for you. You can choose to reach out for it and be willing to work to improve your life and your mental state, or you can choose to sit where you are and continue to complain about how unfair everything is.

Bottom line: There's help. It's up to you to choose to take it, or not.

I am unclear how a secular counselor would make a difference? I talked to the pastor tonight. I found & find him very helpful. That's why I talk to him. There's really not that much more I can be doing right now that I'm not. The secular counselor agreed. It's just a matter of being patient. It happens or it doesn't in season. Per you in the other thread.

 

[DragonFox91]

If my funk continues into next week, I will. If it doesn't, I don't see the point if I'm not doing anything wrong & feeling healthy.

So you better hope my funk continues into next week, Last

 

[DragonFox91]

Does anyone ever feel like they’re in high school & their parents won’t allow them to date? That’s what I feel like.

 

[trophy33]

Does anyone ever feel like they’re in high school & their parents won’t allow them to date? That’s what I feel like.

No and thats not something you should feel like.

You are simply living in a place where there is not enough of single girls who are according to your preferences. Thats all. Its a simple demand and supply issue.