I am at my whits end.
I am 33, not in much debt, 3 useless college degrees, have a beautiful wife and a 16 month old daughter.
I refuse to cry anymore, refuse to talk to or bother anyone about this anymore. I have tried mental health, drugs...I am even heavily involved in my church. I was saved many years ago.
I am not the best Christian...I smoke two packs a day. I got drunk sitting around the campfire on my last hunting trip. I don't drink very often though. I still listen to hellish rock music on ocassion.
I hurt bad.
Yesterday, I went home from work on lunch and typed up a note to my wife...and this morning continued working on it...wondering when I would get the courage to go to the back yard and do the deed. Wouldn't want to ruin the carpet. Each time I think a little more seriously about it...then I think about it a little more and
decide that "now is not the time".
This is not the first time that I have done this.
Please say a prayer for me.
Dear Sawtooth,
Hi brother,
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through that you feel so bad you want to hurt yourself.
I wish we could all be there with you and just hold you and hug you so you would know just how loved you are by us and you know God loves you so very much.
You mentioned you smoke and drink occasionally and listen to rock. Since you mentioned it I take it you feel bad for doing that, but we all do things and many of us do the very same as you've listed, and God in no way thinks less of you or thinks your bad or anything of the sort.
He knows you so intimately and loves you so much. I know we sometimes feel bad for things we do, but it's how we feel, and often times it's how others have made us feel about what we do, when again God not only knows, He never pulls away from us and in no way condemns you for such.
Brother, when you came to Christ, you were forgiven past present and future for all your sins, the second you believed in Christ. And as I said, many of us do the very things, it's that when we're in crisis or great stress that we accuse ourselves or satan himself accuses as he is the accuser of the brethren, but God in no way does such at all, and tell Jesus how you feel and not to worry. We have a whole life time and God will help us each step of the way and so please don't be hard on yourself over things.
I have a friend who also has several degrees and certifications in England, and he can not get more than a minimum wage job.
It's very sad as you have been so dedicated and worked so hard to get those degrees and then not to be able to use them.
You are surely a very hard working person to have recieved such an education and I can hear the pain of not being able to use all you worked so hard for.
I just went bankrupt a few years ago and the stress of debt looming and the phone calls are a tremendous amount of pressure for anyone to deal with. I don't know if you are able to go bankrupt, I know if some is school debt you can't on that, but if you can perhaps you can seek that avenue out.
With the way things are today, so many are in debt and barely making it weekly and it's a very hard world to live in and but I know you can make it through.
As you have these feelings to hurt yourself and have had them before shows the need for someone to help you, someone to talk to, and to care, and help carry the burden you are carrying.
You mentioned meds haven't helped, and I understand that.
At one point it was a med alone that did something that stopped the constant thoughts I had to hurt myself. I do wonder if perhaps the doctor could try other medications if you haven't already tried several as you know with meds, it takes often times many trials of meds to see what will help.
I'm glad to hear your involved in your church as you have a distraction and wondering if there is a deacon or pastor or a brother who you can trust and share all this with.
Often times, we might think we can't tell others what we are going through, when clearly it is what brothers and sisters in Christ are for and God has his men and brother I pray he lead you to someone who will help to carry this burden, as it's too much to bear alone.
Jesus will take it, and you know the verse which says to take every thought captive...if you can do that every moment of every time thoughts come up about anything, no matter what it is, hurting yourself, debt, your life, your education, no matter what is hurting you and coming to your mind, taking it as often as those thoughts come, which may be every minute of the day, and bringing them to Jesus and saying I can't handle this thought, or I can't handle this pain, or God I've no idea where to go or what to do, God please take it and help me.
It's the only way I know to survive is to keep bringing the thoughts to Christ, and the verse says by doing such those things have to be obedient to Him and He does not condemn you, and will not let lies sit, He will take them and the thing is again, it's a moment by moment, as often as needed, taking it all to Jesus. He will not let you bear the pain alone, he will take those thoughts, and the need is to keep bringing them to him.
With the debt, there are so many people in it, and don't answer the phone, don't put anything in your name, stash the letters in a box, and unless you can go bankrupt there's not more you can do if that's not possible and don't let this pressure this stress lead you to wanting to hurt yourself.
Protect yourself at all costs.
And last, of course others have already said it, but if you feel in immediate danger don't hesitate at all, call 911 and go to the hospital.
Please reach out to a brother, someone you can trust and tell him all that is going on. Ask God for who to talk to. And also, if you have not had any counseling it would be great if you could see someone as well outside of a friend as we need to release as much as possible of all that's inside us and counselors are trained and skilled to help with healing and professional help is fairly critical friend.
We love you here and I'll be praying for you and I pray you are able to come back and read how all of us care for you and about you.
love,
tapero
and 
to you, my friend.
