Reflections of a failed relationship.

[ldove789]

So I (22yo) am now single. My ex broke it off in no uncertain terms by deleting every photo of me on his fcb and then un-friending me after we agreed to take some space and be friends.

For me the root of the problem is the relationship he (30yo) has with his best friend (27yo), who is also his ex-girlfriend. They broke up about 5 years ago (and were together for about a year) but the strange is after they broke she moved in with him and lived with him for 5 years. I found this out about 3 weeks into our relationship, which started in September. Apparently he moved town (to current location) and she moved to the same town a few weeks before him. But due to some issue she's having, that he hasn't disclosed to me she ended up moving in with him again. And they have been staying together now since September.

He told me that there's no more romantic feelings between them but I find the whole situation very strange. Of course I don't know the whole story but I know she always calling/texting him and demands his attention. I understand from him that she's had a very hard life and she needs him for support. He told me that she was there for him when he needed her- I even remember him saying that she's one of the reasons he's turned back to God.

Obviously they have a very deep emotional connection, so isn't it natural to ask myself where do or could I fit in? Everything pretty much went downhill with me asking him if she had anyone else to lean on besides him- after that he got very defensive and sternly said: She is my best friend and is very important to me, that will never change and I will always make time for her. I never asked him to stop being friends with her, I just wanted some of the burden off him because she seems to have a lot of problems. She always calling/texting him when were together. Often he'd have to leave me to go see her. They go on movie and dinner dates often even though she's staying with him. For his birthday present they went to the spa together. Is this normal?

Our relationship is over with no hoping to reviving, but I hoped we could remain on speaking terms. And it might be awkward now because we have many mutual friends as we're on the same course.

I'm wondering if I've been selfish feeling like he wasn't emotionally available for me when I needed him. Could we have had a healthy and productive relationship even though the position of best friend was taken for him? I need to see the person I may spend the rest of my life with as my most intimate friend. Is there a problem with thinking this way? How would a virtuous God-fearing woman approach a situation like this?

Thanks.

 

[Keri]

You should have broke it off at the first red flag (three weeks in when you found out he was living with his ex).

Now all you can do is move on. Learn from your mistake, be a bit pickier next time, but move on.

 

[twnsrkr]

Blindly moving on with incomplete information is typically never a good idea. That said, his situation with his ex seems very fishy to me. I wouldn't be surprised if something is going on between them. I'd be very wary.

 

[Hadassah_]

You should have broke it off at the first red flag (three weeks in when you found out he was living with his ex).

Now all you can do is move on. Learn from your mistake, be a bit pickier next time, but move on.

This. Sorry you got hurt, but move on and move up. Pay attention to your gut instincts about someone even if they aren't clear and IMO the whole thing with his BFF was pretty clear.

 

[elenore]

You wern't wrong. At the end of the day he has to choose between this girl and his wife to be. If that's not you, then yeah, it's good to know now.

His wife is his wife. And she takes precedence. A friendship is one thing, but when it comes down to ultimate loyalties, that should only lie with one woman (it only can really.)
You can work with someone, be bosom buddies with someone, but family come first. Blood is thicker then water and a wife comes into that category in a healthy relationship IMO.
Two become one, the bible tells us. Not three become one.

 

[djsterf]

Even though it may be hard to think this way right now, he made a decision that is telling of how he would treat you if it went any further. It's quite possible that he'll get back with her and still has attachments that make him want to be with her. The most special human interpersonal relationship is between husband and wife, and after that, parent and child. After that, friends come in. If he was looking to date to evaluate you for that relationship, and he did not set good priorities and boundaries, it's probably much for your good that it didn't work out (even if you totally don't agree with that right now). Take some time and grieve and process as you need, you must feel very confused and feel slighted, which is totally fine. I and others here will pray for you through this time!

 

[SplendidTree]

I agree with djsterf. Aside from that, do you really want to be with someone that could still be stuck on their ex, not giving the attention you need? It is hard, but will get easier and later in life, you will be thankful you let go and learned what you did.

 

[IamStefanie]

I didn't even need to finish reading the OP to see that this whole situation is BOGUS!!!! Been there, done that, seen that...I agree with whoever said that you should've let dude go 3 weeks into the relationship. Any man who is living with a woman and vice versa, especially one that he was sexually involved with before (more than likely) has some sort of relationship going on now if they are with each other every day. I have a friend who has been dating a guy for years (maybe 5 or 6 now) and they broke up a while ago and he moved his wife back in; but he claims that they are not sleeping together. He said she needs somewhere to stay and he is doing it for their son. He said she sleeps in the bed and he takes the couch. And he tells my friend that it's nothing and that he wants to be with her still. I can't believe it; but maybe that's because that is not something I would be confortable being involved in. I know making a good relationship these days are not easy; but if that man wants you as his one and only, then his ex live in friend would not be in the picture. I know it's not easy, but I advice that you move on and let him have his drama...

 

[Inkachu]

This guy was basically married to his "friend". You got the short end of the stick, hon. Live and learn! And in the future, I'd stick to guys your own age as well. You were probably just the hot little college-age chick on the side for this loser. And I wouldn't bother trying to stay "friends" with the likes of him. You can do so much better.

 

[Im_A]

So I (22yo) am now single. My ex broke it off in no uncertain terms by deleting every photo of me on his fcb and then un-friending me after we agreed to take some space and be friends.

For me the root of the problem is the relationship he (30yo) has with his best friend (27yo), who is also his ex-girlfriend. They broke up about 5 years ago (and were together for about a year) but the strange is after they broke she moved in with him and lived with him for 5 years. I found this out about 3 weeks into our relationship, which started in September. Apparently he moved town (to current location) and she moved to the same town a few weeks before him. But due to some issue she's having, that he hasn't disclosed to me she ended up moving in with him again. And they have been staying together now since September.

He told me that there's no more romantic feelings between them but I find the whole situation very strange. Of course I don't know the whole story but I know she always calling/texting him and demands his attention. I understand from him that she's had a very hard life and she needs him for support. He told me that she was there for him when he needed her- I even remember him saying that she's one of the reasons he's turned back to God.

Obviously they have a very deep emotional connection, so isn't it natural to ask myself where do or could I fit in? Everything pretty much went downhill with me asking him if she had anyone else to lean on besides him- after that he got very defensive and sternly said: She is my best friend and is very important to me, that will never change and I will always make time for her. I never asked him to stop being friends with her, I just wanted some of the burden off him because she seems to have a lot of problems. She always calling/texting him when were together. Often he'd have to leave me to go see her. They go on movie and dinner dates often even though she's staying with him. For his birthday present they went to the spa together. Is this normal?

Our relationship is over with no hoping to reviving, but I hoped we could remain on speaking terms. And it might be awkward now because we have many mutual friends as we're on the same course.

I'm wondering if I've been selfish feeling like he wasn't emotionally available for me when I needed him. Could we have had a healthy and productive relationship even though the position of best friend was taken for him? I need to see the person I may spend the rest of my life with as my most intimate friend. Is there a problem with thinking this way? How would a virtuous God-fearing woman approach a situation like this?

Thanks.

All I can say is...you should have never gotten with someone who lives with his ex. It is impossible to expect him to be there for you emotionally while he lives with his ex.

He shouldn't have gotten involved with you, but you should have the nerve to turn him down. Desire does make people do things that don't end up being good. I have done it as well.

 

[ldove789]

Thank you everyone for all the advice and encouragement! I feel more grounded and confident that I should totally forget this guy and move on. Even though I didn't have the grit to break it off with him earlier I am grateful to the good Lord that He removed me from this situation before things got worse.

I'm still very young and naive and I've made the mistake of holding on to him. In retrospect I guess I just fell for his 'Christian badge' as my flatmate says and thought things could work out if we could base our relationship on Christ. I don't have a lot of experience dating and realise that I definitely need to learn more about men and relationships. I've been living in the UK for 4 years now and he was the first Christian guy that I've been in a relationship with.

Desire does make people do things that don't end up being good. I have done it as well.

I agree. I desire to have a family someday and I think I've thought along the lines of "I may not have another opportunity like this anytime soon so I MUST hold on to him", which I know doesn't fall in line with what scripture says about being patient and waiting on the Lord.

You were probably just the hot little college-age chick on the side for this loser. And I wouldn't bother trying to stay "friends" with the likes of him. You can do so much better.

Ha ha! Hot little college-age side chick may very well be true. Thinking now about the way he treated me I'm embarrassed that I dropped my standards so low- I'm convinced it was all infatuation for him and for me wanting to feel secure about having a potential mate.

Take some time and grieve and process as you need, you must feel very confused and feel slighted, which is totally fine. I and others here will pray for you through this time!

Thank you so much your prayers! I was an emotional wreck a few days ago but I'm doing much better now due to all the support. =) As my mom and friends told me, it takes a good few failed relationships until you get it right and find that person God intended you to be with. God always looks out for His children and although I felt a few hard stings, I take the entire experience as an important life's lesson and am very grateful.

 

[ldove789]

Relapse: Went to Church and afterwards I had lunch with some friends. We got on the topic of opposite-sex friendships and then one of my friends said his best friend is a woman. Hearing that pretty much set me off on the whole thing again and then we got into a heated discussion. His point was being that if he got into a relationship with a mature woman then she wouldn't feel insecure about him having a female best friend. But he did say if she was uncomfortable about something he'd try his best to address it and he'd definitely let her meet his best friend.

Ultimately wouldn't it end up in a tug-o-war sort of situation. How do you balance time your best friend versus time for your girl friend? Who takes precedence? Or is based on the condition or situation. Should a woman be humble and graceful enough to accept being put on the back burner in a relationship?

I feel sick all over again and starting to really resent the term best friend- thought I left such things at high school.

 

[djsterf]

I think the key word is 'boundaries' -- if male-female are best friends, which I do believe can happen, yet the male finds a woman that becomes his wife, the wife becomes the best friend in every way, and the female friend needs to have appropriate boundaries that allow her to be encouraging to both the husband and wife OR if that isn't possible, she needs to back away and find a new friend so as not to be a threat to the marriage (which is much more important).

You're still grieving. It's normal to have 'triggers' that you are ultra-sensitive about right now, so I'd keep that in mind, but it will take some time to heal from this. I remember after my last relationship broke up how surprised I was at how long it took me to regroup...at least 6 weeks, maybe 8. But ehh, a time to really seek God and get it out of your system. Praying still for you.

 

[GQ Chris]

Sounds like his ex got downgraded to 'friends with benefits' status after their emotional relationship didn't work out. He wasn't willing to end things completely and more than likely both people were still deriving 'benefits' from keeping somewhat attached to one another.

 

[ldove789]

I do remember him reiterating that we've only been together for 6 weeks and that we should slow things down and get to know each other properly first. One of the last things he told me when we were on speaking terms is that he just found out his best friend is seriously ill (cancer) and he has a lot of things going on that demand his attention so he's going to be a selfish bastard for the next few months and he doesn't know if I'd wait on him... So perhaps he feels now he hasn't known me long enough to compromise and make time for me. Funny thing is that before these problems surfaced he made so many commitments and promises to me, including 'going to Church together at least once a week' and 'respecting me as God's beloved daughter'. He even went so far as to say he knows I'm the woman God has put in his life to be his wife!

Now I so regret taking everything he has said to heart because the moment things got tough for him, he casted me away like I meant nothing. It's a very lonely feeling. I have to go to classes and potentially see him and when I do my stomach churns. Sometimes I find it hard not to feel like there's duct tape over my mouth and despair. But I know that's never the case with God because He knows our cries before we plead them. And I know that He will never cast me away. So after what happened today I decided to go on a fast and pray to God for guidance and peace through this. Right now I know the only way forward is to draw as close to Him as I can.

I remember after my last relationship broke up how surprised I was at how long it took me to regroup...at least 6 weeks, maybe 8. But ehh, a time to really seek God and get it out of your system. Praying still for you.

Thanks again for your prayers Sterling and you are so right! It really helps to know that someone else has gone through the same kind of ordeal.

 

[GQ Chris]

Just realize that its more important to look at a person's actions rather than what they say, because some people are good at lying to you right to your face.

 

[ldove789]

Just realize that its more important to look at a person's actions rather than what they say, because some people are good at lying to you right to your face.

The more I read your posts, the more I imagine you with a voice like Darth Vader's.

TomTom Darth Vader ^^

 

[GQ Chris]

The more I read your posts, the more I imagine you with a voice like Darth Vader's.

Cool. I am a Star Wars fan.

 

[Blank123]

dating a man who is dating his ex, which he was even if he wouldn't admit to you or himself, is always a bad idea.

The thing is... when you're dating someone *you* should be their best friend. If they can't allow you to have that spot in their life then its time to cut your losses and find someone who will.

 

[Hadassah_]

dating a man who is dating his ex, which he was even if he wouldn't admit to you or himself, is always a bad idea.

The thing is... when you're dating someone *you* should be their best friend. If they can't allow you to have that spot in their life then its time to cut your losses and find someone who will.

Very true.