Future Relationships: Advice/Opinions Requested

[Plenipotent]

The problem may have been that you went into a lot of detail about the guy. I think you probably could have shortened it quite a bit and still got your point across. But writing so much about the situation made it seem like it you were asking about it and people missed or forgot that you said you were using it as an example.

That's what I figured too. It's the best explanation I can come up with as well and I can definitely see that! I used to not be like that, but it seemed like when I asked a question simply, it didn't help either. Like I'd ask a question and I'd get an answer that didn't answer my question? So I added more detail. And it didn't help. So I'd add more detail. And it didn't help. So I'd add more detail. And it didn't help... So now I'm at the point of HERE IS ALL THE INFORMATION!!! Still doesn't seem to help, but very clearly it's making it worse!

My brother gets me though so I know it's possible for people to understand me! We talked about this once and his response was 'It's not you. People are just pathetic and weak', which may or may not be true, but it doesn't help me in communicating more clearly because my brothers advice is 'People are worthless, don't worry about them. If I had a button that would end humanity, I'd try to press it as many times as I could before I died.'

 

[YankeeGirl]

The problem may have been that you went into a lot of detail about the guy. I think you probably could have shortened it quite a bit and still got your point across. But writing so much about the situation made it seem like it you were asking about it and people missed or forgot that you said you were using it as an example.

Yes. That is where I got confused.

 

[Plenipotent]

Well I shall attempt to return to Plenipotent version 0.0 where I ask simple questions and try to navigate from there, because clearly more details is not the answer.

Maybe I'll start there and work my way back to the original topic question in the future.

 

[TheLastGeek]

None. I have only been in relationships with people within 3 years of my age.



That's something I can reflect on, thank you for that suggestion.


I understand this.

I also understand this.

Not sure. I would say I've expressed this to two people (my mother and my best friend), but no one understands me so honestly, who knows if they even know.

I appreciate your input, but I actually don't require advice about the guy. That is a done and done situation in my mind. See, this is kind of the problem I have in relationships. Maybe you all can help me figure out where I'm going wrong? That might actually be more helpful than me trying to work on my self agreement.

I said, in the very first statement of my post, "To clarify, this isn't about the specific person in question; rather, he serves as an example that prompted my contemplation." He's just an example of a situation that caused me to contemplate future situations of a similar nature. He isn't the situation. I don't require advice about this particular guy. I'm not struggling to figure him out or figure out what I'm going to do about him.

But it really looks like everyone is trying to give me their advice about this guy. As if I somehow said, 'I need advice about this guy, here's my problem.' But I did not say that. I said it wasn't about this specific guy. So what is it that I said that is making everyone think that I need advice about this guy? How can I be more clear? I know I said anything will be very helpful, but it's kind of like...

"Hey, this guy did a weird thing and I realized I may have to experience this weird thing from people in the future. I'd like the most beneficial thing for me. This is what I've struggled with. So is what I'm doing okay or should I do something else?" And everyone is just... "Well, that guy is probably doing this weird thing because... Maybe if you do this, this guy will do that instead. Have you spent a lot of time around this guy? You're probably just not around him enough for him to not do that weird thing."

And then I'm sat here going, "... I already know all of this. Maybe if I tell them again that it's not about the guy, they'll get what I'm trying to get at..." but now I'm more interested in why everyone thinks I need advice about this guy when I said it wasn't about him to begin with.

I think the biggest flaw I have, is that I don't know how to be more clear, and no one seems to understand me.

I am getting bits and pieces of information from this and that, but it's very obvious that everyone thinks I need advice on this specific guy, and I'd like to know what I did/said to make everyone think that. Did I give TOO much information and confuse everyone? Should I cut back the information I provide to make it simpler to understand? Is it my wording? Is my language too informal or formal? Do I seem too focused on a specific thing? What is it?

See, I can understand other people VERY well, but I am completely lost on myself. So when I try to correct myself, I seek advice from others, but they don't give me anything usable because they don't understand me, so I can't fix me. So I resort to taking the defense with myself because I can't take the offense if I don't know what I'm attacking!

Help. Me.

Hey, to my credit, I didn't speak specifically about just THIS guy in my reply

 

[Sketcher]

I appreciate your input, but I actually don't require advice about the guy. That is a done and done situation in my mind. See, this is kind of the problem I have in relationships. Maybe you all can help me figure out where I'm going wrong? That might actually be more helpful than me trying to work on my self agreement.

I understand that, I'm trying to use this situation to help you see places where you can break some of these patterns. Whether you go for him or not is your choice, but at least come away with the situation having learned some things.

None. I have only been in relationships with people within 3 years of my age.

OK, that's another correlation to your pattern. Not that all guys within 3 years of your age will do that, but I believe that fewer men this guy's age will.

Not sure. I would say I've expressed this to two people (my mother and my best friend), but no one understands me so honestly, who knows if they even know.

OK, so you've expressed it to two people and you're not sure if they get where you're at now - how do you expect others to? And if you don't expect others to, why would they act the way you want them to?

I understand this.
I also understand this.

OK, but listening to what you said earlier and trying to piece it together, you seem to expect that men act opposite to what those behaviors would logically point to if they don't somehow know what you want without you telling them.

Help. Me.

I am trying to.

 

[Plenipotent]

I understand that, I'm trying to use this situation to help you see places where you can break some of these patterns. Whether you go for him or not is your choice, but at least come away with the situation having learned some things.

I really appreciate that, that's what I was attempting to do, but I seem to keep coming to the same problem. It seems like everyone, save Geek, agrees that the flaws I see in my own agreement are present. But the problem I keep getting faced with is that it also seems like everyone is suggesting I should go about it in a way that I'm avidly trying to avoid, which is leading and directing him from the very beginning.

And that may be the wrong way to go about it, but I'm trying to glean an effective formula for myself that hits all the bases out of the information I'm receiving.

The pattern I face is 'I lead/direct' and then I seem to be faced with doing that continuously through the entire relationship and it ends poorly. And because my partners don't understand me, and find me puzzling, they treat me like a puzzle through the entire relationship even though I'm constantly leading/directing. I also end up with timid guys who require me to essentially be their mother, leading/directing them through their life. They can't seem to release their fear over me either, so I'm trying to go about this in a way where I avoid people who are afraid of me and can't be direct to begin with.

OK, that's another correlation to your pattern. Not that all guys within 3 years of your age will do that, but I believe that fewer men this guy's age will.

I agree with that... Or more I would hope so!

OK, so you've expressed it to two people and you're not sure if they get where you're at now - how do you expect others to? And if you don't expect others to, why would they act the way you want them to?

Well, I've explained it to two people, but as I'm accustomed to being misunderstood, I just assume they don't understand but hope that they do.

I'm not sure what you're trying to ask here though. Are you asking how do I expect people to know my expectations without explaining it to them and making sure they understand? Because if that's the case, I'm trying to avoid putting out the expectation I have to be approached directly, because in my experience, most guys will do anything to mold themselves to the person they're trying to attract. I don't want to be with another man made of play-dough trying to fit into what he thinks is my perfect shape. I just want him to be himself. If I tell men my expectations, I believe the majority of them will attempt to mold to my expectations versus actually meeting their own expectations of themselves and simply 'fitting' my expectation. It's the difference between, 'this is what I want to do' versus 'tell me what do'.

Being direct isn't something you can mold to, it's something you have to understand and be comfortable with. If you're not comfortable with it or understand it, you're likely going to fail miserably because it's not within your frame of reference. And while I can direct someone into being more direct, I find that I end up with people who just want to do what I want them to and not what they want to.

It's fine if someone doesn't want to be, but it's not fine if that's what I need and the person I'm with is just trying to give me everything I want instead of wanting it themselves. It doesn't work.

OK, but listening to what you said earlier and trying to piece it together, you seem to expect that men act opposite to what those behaviors would logically point to if they don't somehow know what you want without you telling them.

That's just it, I don't want a guy to behave a certain way JUST to meet my expectation. I want him to behave in a way he deems appropriate without knowing my expectation in order to find an organic fit rather than someone trying to force themselves to fit.

I'm direct. I have no issue or hesitancy about approaching people and being direct. I would like to find someone who is also like that because indirect people and me do not work effectively together. However it seems that because I'm direct, I instead end up attracting people who need direction.

I essentially would like someone who knows who they are and doesn't need constant direction.

So my thought is, 'let them come to me, as I would come to them.' That way I know we have that similarity right off the bat. The potential flaw I see in this is that those people may be where I am, and doing the same thing. So now nobodies finding anybody.

And it's not that it doesn't happen, I'm approached regularly, it's just that often times they are either very young and think I'm also very young, not good people, or not Christian. I'm perfectly content with waiting, but I don't know if it's actually beneficial to me to continue this or if it'd be more beneficial to just keep doing what I'm doing.

 

[Plenipotent]

And Sketcher, your thought sounds similar to mine though the reasoning behind it is different. So do you feel like your approach worked/is working for you? Or do you feel like it would be/have been more beneficial to do it another way?

 

[TheLastGeek]

That's just it, I don't want a guy to behave a certain way JUST to meet my expectation. I want him to behave in a way he deems appropriate without knowing my expectation in order to find an organic fit rather than someone trying to force themselves to fit.

This, this, this, this, THIS.

Don't be anything that you aren't already for my sake. Be you. If that fits with me, then we're a match. It's really that simple. And if we aren't a match, I promise, we'll both survive.

 

[Plenipotent]

This, this, this, this, THIS.

Don't be anything that you aren't already for my sake. Be you. If that fits with me, then we're a match. It's really that simple. And if we aren't a match, I promise, we'll both survive.

Exactly how I feel. Just be you. With my exes it was like, I promise I'm not going anywhere if you just be yourself, it's when you try to be someone else for me that makes it unbearable.

I'm not saying people can't change and grow, they're going to do that regardless (hopefully) but if it's not authentic, I'm going to know and I can't grow with someone whose not themselves, because I'd be growing in a lie and I'd know it. I can't move forward or build trust and confidence in a lie, even if that's supposed to be 'for my benefit'. It doesn't benefit me to have no one who challenges me to be better than myself.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

3. I've had exes pretend to be more interested in things because they saw I was. I despise that as well. It feels insincere, and in some cases, it even felt deceitful (had one guy take me to an event he knew I passionately enjoyed, and since he invited me, I assumed he enjoyed it, too; later on when our relationship started to end, he threw it back in my face that he actually hated it and thought it was stupid, and that was a knife in my gut). I've seen multiple men do this, so it may be a "guy" thing. So to any men reading this... don't do this. Don't pretend to be into something that she's into, just to get closer to her. She'll eventually sniff out that you're faking and it'll hurt her.

I dont think people pretend to like what others like, but it work s like this, some people like the person so much, they desire to share their interests, and vice versa. This is quite common as well.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Quick question, how many of those men were his age? With wisdom and cynicism comes less of a willingness to do that.


I don't know if you are intimidating, but if you come off as outgoing and/or not interested in conversing with him, he might not think the effort of asking out someone he has to see occasionally at work is worth it. If you come off as outgoing, then he would probably very reasonably guess that if you liked him, then you would talk to him. And if you come off as not wanting to talk to him, that you are unlikely to like him. Why would he want to take a woman who doesn't like him out on a date?

Right, she kind of comes off like she's not into him anyways, that's what I'm getting from her post.

I've seen some people like this, talk in contradictions. Some women even agree to a date with a guy, it comes and goes, and they post about it somewhere saying, "I went on a date with this guy, had a nice time, I wan't into him....at first"

It's the "at first" part that gets ya Or some may say they aren't into him, but decided to go out with him anyway, and I'm like "Dude, why'd you even bother?!"

 

[TheLastGeek]

I dont think people pretend to like what others like, but it work s like this, some people like the person so much, they desire to share their interests, and vice versa. This is quite common as well.

Some people DO do this. I've had it happen to me more than once. You can "desire to share their interests" without outright faking interest.

 

[Plenipotent]

Right, she kind of comes off like she's not into him anyways, that's what I'm getting from her post.

I've seen some people like this, talk in contradictions. Some women even agree to a date with a guy, it comes and goes, and they post about it somewhere saying, "I went on a date with this guy, had a nice time, I wan't into him....at first"

It's the "at first" part that gets ya Or some may say they aren't into him, but decided to go out with him anyway, and I'm like "Dude, why'd you even bother?!"

Like I tell my past partners, you don't have to try and figure me out, I promise. I kind of come off like I'm not into him, because I'm not.

That being said, I got my answer from God, so I'm good everyone. Thanks for all the input!

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Some people DO do this. I've had it happen to me more than once. You can "desire to share their interests" without outright faking interest.

Right for instance, I have a female friend that had a boyfriend that's big into going out on his boat, fishing....she'd join him...but would read a book and relax on the boat.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

View attachment 336561

Like I tell my past partners, you don't have to try and figure me out, I promise. I kind of come off like I'm not into him, because I'm not.

That being said, I got my answer from God, so I'm good everyone. Thanks for all the input!

So it's not going to be one of those, "I wasn't into him....at first...but, then I agreed to a date after he asked me out again...." situations?

 

[tampasteve]

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