Recurring Problem

[OK Jeff]

But her opposition to me using herbs (chaste berry for example) to reduce my interest is selfish. is it not? I offered to reduce my interest to closer match hers. But she told me that was ridiculous. I told her this situation is a problem for me as it currently is. This was a solution I'd researched. She rejected it, insisting she does want me. She vowed to "make more time" for it. Three months later and nothing has changed. I have not initiated sex in five years. The constant rejection got to be too much. I told her I would no longer initiate. She comes to me and gets it any time she wants it. My only deduction as to why she doesn't want me curbing my libido is because she wants me to be ready and willing any time she wants it. That is selfish

 

[mkgal1]

My only deduction as to why she doesn't want me curbing my libido is because she wants me to be ready and willing any time she wants it. That is selfish

???

Which is it? It seems that you're angry with her either way. It almost seems like you're wanting to curb your drive so you can tell HER...."no, thank you" as a sort of pay-back.

It seems like you're resentful in being available for her. Are there times you're begrudgingly agreeing.....or just resentful that she never has to "go without"? One way or another......that resentment needs to be kicked to the curb.

She rejected it, insisting she does want me.

Why isn't that encouraging to you?

 

[ExodusMe]

Does she [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] when you guys do it?

 

[OK Jeff]

???

Which is it? It seems that you're angry with her either way. It almost seems like you're wanting to curb your drive so you can tell HER...."no, thank you" as a sort of pay-back.

It seems like you're resentful in being available for her. Are there times you're begrudgingly agreeing.....or just resentful that she never has to "go without"? One way or another......that resentment needs to be kicked to the curb.

Why isn't that encouraging to you?

"I do want you, but no" isn't at all encouraging.
I'm wanting to curb my desire to spare myself from temptation and frustration.
Yes, I am resentful. But my resentment is a result of the only acceptable solution is for me to just learn to do without. I am willing to make myself less of a man to match her lack of desire. And that isn't any more acceptable than giving it up more often. There seems to be no good solution for me.
I didn't realize in my marriage vows was a vow of celibacy. I'm willing to accept that but I need some help.

 

[OK Jeff]

Does she [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] when you guys do it?

Yes. We both enjoy each other very much. But 2-4 times a month is all she wants. And to hell with what I want.

 

[mkgal1]

"I do want you, but no" isn't at all encouraging.

......"I do want you, but not at this particular moment" =/= "I don't want you [ever]".

 

[mkgal1]

Yes, I am resentful. But my resentment is a result of the only acceptable solution is for me to just learn to do without. I am willing to make myself less of a man to match her lack of desire. And that isn't any more acceptable than giving it up more often. There seems to be no good solution for me.
I didn't realize in my marriage vows was a vow of celibacy.

Celibacy? I don't think you know what that word means.

Maybe read this book:

 

[OK Jeff]

And I do not want her to experience the rejection I've become so accustomed to. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It makes one feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted, lonely, isolated. No one should live with a constant supply of this.

 

[OK Jeff]

......"I do want you, but not at this particular moment" =/= "I don't want you [ever]".

I don't want you 28 days out of 30.

 

[OK Jeff]

I should stop. I'm getting angry.

 

[Endeavourer]

How much time do you spend paying undivided attention to each other during the week? A woman's need for sex is generated much differently than a man's need is. If you want more frequency, best you learn how she enjoys warming up.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I'm not sure what you expected when you went to bed to wait for her when you knew she was probably at a zero in the warming up stages. She was inviting you to woo her, romance her and get her desires going but instead you expectantly just went to bed on your own.

What do you think of this article?

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

 

[OK Jeff]

Read the whole thread. We're together all the time. I'll read the article

 

[Endeavourer]

I read that you are together "all the time", but that wasn't my question -> the question was about undivided attention, which is more like being on a date (without the son, the dog or any other distractions); time specifically set aside to nurture the romance in your relationship, like you did when you were dating.

 

[OK Jeff]

Al we can. Not as much as we'd like.

 

[Endeavourer]

If you give her a two to three hour date, warming her up with affection and romancing her, she will probably be quite amenable to intimacy.

It may take a few dates before her system is warmed up enough to respond the way you are hoping, depending upon how large her deficit is right now. In fact, you may want to conclude your first date without taking it there just so she doesn't feel that sex is your demand in exchange for a date. Women have a really strong emotional reaction to thinking sex is being expected in exchange for something.

Most women just can't go from 0-100 on their own; they need affection and romancing to get their desires going. Men are quite different than that.

 

[OK Jeff]

I never expect sex anymore. 13 years of marriage has taught me better. She knows no advances are coming as I don't initiate, ever. We do need more quality time together. But right now quality time to sex ratio is about 10:1.

 

[OK Jeff]

How much time do you spend paying undivided attention to each other during the week? A woman's need for sex is generated much differently than a man's need is. If you want more frequency, best you learn how she enjoys warming up.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
I'm not sure what you expected when you went to bed to wait for her when you knew she was probably at a zero in the warming up stages. She was inviting you to woo her, romance her and get her desires going but instead you expectantly just went to bed on your own.

What do you think of this article?

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

It is a good article. Thanks for posting it.

 

[Endeavourer]

Welcome!

I'd love to hear if pursuing her with romance and trying the method in the article helps you out.

 

[OK Jeff]

I'll see what I can do. She is commonly showered with affection, embraces, holding, gentle kisses, love songs, dancing in the kitchen floor. I'll see what else I can think of.

 

[Goatee]

2 to 4 times a month is good i would say.

Maybe you should turn her down next time she wants sex. Let her see how it feels. Maybe no sex for a month or so.