Remember the man who cried to Christ: "I believe, help my unbelief!"
That's how we often are. We believe, sometimes like children in a way that we don't always understand the details and all the inner workings, and at the same time we can have unbelief, doubts, questions. The more we search for God, the more we will understand about ourselves and even our faith, too. What I have to say about my faith today, won't be exactly the same when 5 years have passed, if God wills for me to live that long. I only know that the object of my faith is the same, Christ. I may learn more about Him, see Him in ways I couldn't before, but He will always be the perfect one, and I will always be the imperfect one.
I find myself coming back to this: (1 Corinthians 13)
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
It's so wonderfully acknowledged in that text, that we don't know it all. Even the best of us only know in part and prophesy in part. It's also clear that even if we did know it all, but we didn't have love, it wouldn't mean anything. Love is the greatest of all, and no love is greater than that of God's. So when I doubt, when I don't know, when I see that others near me don't seem to know or even agree about anything, I want to trust on Him who truly knows instead of having the need to be in the know, in control all the time. I can let go. I can choose to rest in His love and carry on my day as the confused man I am. I can let the details go when I can't seem to get anything out of them, and I want to go to God Himself with my doubts and unbelief, and ask His help. Even my faith, to whatever extent I have faith, is a gift. I am very fond of this simplicity. Perfection will come, and is already in Christ, but we have to live with our imperfections down here.
There was a time when I was desperate to "solve" faith and God. Imperfect creature trying to understand all of God, faith, and the Bible in an almost mathematical accuracy. I had this fight and desperation within me, and I saw people around me do the same thing, and I saw a lot of fighting about theological differences. At some point I thought I was losing my faith. Doubts came with full force, old and new ones, it was like the rock of Christ itself seemed to go away and leave me falling. I was quite afraid. Turned out I was only losing faith in the strength of my own faith and understanding instead of God, if that makes any sense. So I went to the God I thought I doubted, and asked Him to take care of my faith, because I just didn't know what to do anymore. I asked Him to only let me know what I need to know, in His time, in His way, and to keep me no matter how weak I am. From that day on, I've had more peace. I know a lot of my own limits, and I know I am not a learned, intelligent man. I will not join debates. I will not move mountains. But I can lower myself into a child and go to my God with all my doubt, grief, fear, sin, all of it, and trust Him with it, despite all circumstances and feelings. I can go to Jesus Christ and ask Him to keep me, a simple man who is often wrong and lacking understanding, and for Him to do whatever He wants with me.
I hope my long drivel didn't confuse you further. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, not by a long shot, with all the confusion, fear and doubt. But God is good. And oh, please believe that God doesn't hold your illnesses against you. I know from experience (some of my own, some of my loved ones) how awful the things you mentioned can be, all those illnesses and ailments. It can be hard enough for us to not hold them against ourselves, but then we can fall into the trap where we think even God hates us or something. I hope you don't do that. You are loved. It is so hard for people who have these problems to not trust their feelings when they are against them, and they often are. One of the hardest things, and I'm still learning. But no matter how we feel, no matter how broken we are today, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Good, comforting constant for all of us.
Anyway, I really hope I didn't confuse you. Said a prayer for you and all your loved ones.
