Please pray for me!

[Chichi Perez]

I need prayers please. to give some context, I am a married stay-at-home-mom of two precious little boys (ages 1 and 3 years). I am also working on my Master's program online and homeschool my 3 year old (my double-major bachelors is in Education and Child Development, so I like teaching). My husband works from home and we also have a dog. I am feeling so overwhelmed, stressed out, frustrated, and anxious most of the day. I feel like im turning into a grumpy negative person and I feel hopeless sometimes, although I do know that eventually life will get easier. jsut when things start to chill out, somethign happens that adds a new spin and more responsibilities when i felt like i literally could not take any more stress. my dog had some issues with infections and skin and the vet says i have to two give her two different pills, i have to spray her auxilary areas with some spray two times daily which comes with its own stressors..., plus give her a bath twice a week... so, JUST the dog adds a bunch of stress. all her stuff is about half way done. i got like another two weeks of all of it. so, there is hope with that. the other thing is just the normal basic stressors that come with taking care of a 18-month-old who is very needy, and a 3 year old who is very talkative, constantly needing an answer to all his questions about everything. I love my kids they really are the best, its just their developmental ages that are hard it themselves and along with how im feeling, its a lot more stressful than it would be if i werent going thru everything else. so, everything else is: my marriage... we love eachother, no infidelity, no violence, we love eachother a lot, but its very up and down. we both have a lot of trauma from our pasts that affect our relationship with eachother. I have a disorganized attachment from childhood where my emotion needs were not met and if i just sense that he doesnt like it me it makes me super needy and beg him to "just love me" but even when he tells me he loves me i think he doesnt... its a mess and im aware of it. it is just this push and pull thing that happens with disorganized attachemnt. our marriage problems are more like personal problems that dont go well together. we started marriage counseling about a month ago and its going great, so there is also light at the end of that tunnel, too. the stress of the kids puts a strain on both of us, so as they get older, life will get a little easier there too. the other stressor, my masters program. i wake up at 5 am every day to do my work and im supposed to get a break when my husband gets out of work at 4:30, but he rarely gets out at that time. i dont blame him, his job just keep him held there sometimes (he works in IT security). i used to get really mad at him and blame him for getting out late, but we found out he has ADHD and now he takes adderoll which helps a lot with him getting out sooner, but sometimes he just has to stay longer doing things. I dont blame hiim anymore for geting out late, i mean, at least on the surface i dont out-right blame him for getting out late. anyway, the problem is that when he gets out late, everything gets delayed and before i know it, the day is done and i never got a break. I do my son's homeschooling (which is about 45 mins-1 hr) right when my husband gets out of work because i cant do it while my 1 year old is awake or else there is constant interruption and we cant focus. so, after homeschooling, i make dinner at 5:30, kids eat at 6 and i can have my break from 6-7 and then my husband gets a break from 7-8pm, and then we do the kids' bath routine together and finally by 9-9:30ish the kids are both asleep. For my break, i really try to balance out my life like include exercise, and hobbies liek playing guitar, singing, (i write christian songs), or journaling, reading the bible.. i try not to hyperfocus on only my schoolwork or else it becomes an idol and im very mindful of that. so, you can see that when my husband gets out at 5:30 or 6pm, for example, the homeschooling is delayed, dinner is delayed, and both our breaks get cut into and we dont get breaks. our breaks are really important to us because that is our time to just be away from all the screaming and neediness of the kids and home responsibilities like cleaning, organizing, and to just like renew our minds, mediate, pray, deep breatheing, anything to just lower the stress and anxiety. so, i have been super stressed lately because idk whats going on with my husband's work, but hes been getting out late almost everyday and so i havent had a break or time for myself in like a week. i do have their nap time, which gives me about two hours of which i use to either do school work, study the bible, or do lesson planning for my son's homeschooling. SO, as. you can see, everythign is just jam packed. I am always working, cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing... and there are so many annoying things like stepping on toys and hurting my feet, picking up spills, my baby throwing his food off the highschair, my kids playing too rough getting hurt and crying, not being able to go to the bathroom without hearing BOTH my kids screaming "MAMAAAA MAMAAAA MAMAAA..." sometimes its humerous, but when im feelings as stressed out as I am, even something like this little thing really makes me want to just break down and cry because I just need space and time alone and in quiet so bad. I also have pretty much no friends, except my one best friend but she lives in another state, i havent seen her in years and we talk about once a week thru text. all my other friendships are just mere aquantainses, people from church or neighbors and everything is so surface like "how are you?? ohhhh great!! have a GREAT day! " like everything just seems like I have to pretend everything is perfect all the time. its like when the cashier says "hi, how are you?" they are not literally asking for your feelings, they expect a "I'm well thank you how about yourself?" with a big smile. that is how all my acquaintances relationships are. I tried making friends, but I have a hard time because I get social anxiety and worry too much about what the person is thinking of me. this is just another part of my anxiety disorder i guess. i considered taking medication for the anxiety, but I am scared of taking medications. i deal with health anxiety, as known as hypochondria. its been under control cuz i got counseling for it which helped a lot but it still surfaces here and there and when i think of taking meds, it just scares me that i would have a bad allergic reaction to it or something. i know its irrational, but my mind just gets scared and I cant help it. anyways, i don't really want to take meds. i want to learn to cope. i honestly think that if i had time for regular exercise (which is a BIG need for me, because I love exercising like running, walking, jogging outside), time for journaling, meditating, a genuine friendship (where I can feel heard and understood and also be there for the other person and it can be a reciprocal meaningful and REAL), and time for hobbies, I think that I would be better able to handle the stressors of my life that are normal and manageable like the kids and home responsibilities. The problem is that i cant find the TIME for these things and its really affecting me. i have no answer right now and i've been praying a lot and beggin God to help me and He has been and is very good to me because i know things can be so much worse and one day i will be with him in heaven and all this pain will go away. but right now, im just hurting.. i feel irritable, angry, bitter, depressed, anxious, scared, and all these terrible feelings and no time to deal with them while the stress of the day piles on and piles on from morning to night and day after day. If you made it this far in reading this, may God BLESS you and i never say that without meaning it with all my heart. if you read all of this, I appreciate it more than you can imagine. being heard and understood goes so far with me and just feeling like im not alone in all this helps me a lot. knowing that others are in the same boat also helps, so if you can relate in any way, PLEASE share. Thank you so much, and please pray for my mental wellbeing and emotions and that my faith in the Lord can grow and I can be more like Jesus. Thank you all my brothers and sisters. Hope to hear from you! yes, you! (sorry for all the typos)

-Chi Chi