Wow, has he displayed this behavior for a long time or is it something new? In either case it is a problem but the problem can be somewhat different.
First of all yelling in an argument is wrong. It is an attempt to scare or hurt the other and make them then give in to give you want to want. It usually works in the short term so some seem to almost get trained into it. It is also hurtful which is a violation of your relationship. Nothing should be so important to either of you that you turn to hurting the other to get it.
Anyway, it's hard to talk about much of anything with someone who acts like that, it just tends to turn on the hollering.
And the throwing things and such is just childish.
Difficult to know where to start. First, I would think you should sit down and really think about how your family works and how his family works and how the family the two of you have works.
If someone quietly asks nicely in those families for something to happen or be done, is it? Or is it ignored? When someone hollars what happens, does the person get what they want to happen?
See sometimes people are just like Pavlov's dog, they simply get trained to do what works. If asking nice doesn't work, they give that up, if hollering works, they learn to do that.
Some people stay at the hollering their whole life, some whole families do it. I know I've been around some families that if my family hollered like that, well we better take a good look because we probably aren't ever going to see each other again, yet if you observe or ask nobody in that family thinks that much of it, that's just the way it is.
Where you get real big problems is when you mix the two, quiet polite people with screaming hollering. That's big trouble in understanding.
But I'm concerned that it likely is more with your husband because of the other behavior, the throwing things and such.
A good thing to do in either case is to work together, to learn to fight fair. Sometimes people don't think of why we have disagreements and how to go about actually fixing them. If you look up fighting fair on the internet, you can find lots of places that give you the basics. Talk about that, talk about how you feel when he hollers. Ask him to work with you to learn to fight fair. Point out that one major reason for doing so is to resolve conflict and have a better life for him as well as you.
See just asking or begging for him to not holler doesn't work, you have to provide the alternative, one that actually works.
We all get shorter with others when we are tired or under a lot of stress or whatever, but there is a point where it becomes another part of abuse, when everyone has to walk like on eggshells hoping not to cause another outburst, it's abusive.
Thing is, it's quite likely that if he would just try, he could learn not to be this way. It's often just a lazy way to live. A destructive way. It's often tough to get the guy to respond properly because if you bring up something like counseling right away the tendency is for him to take it as if you are going to tell him what to do and he will fight it naturally.
It's one area where I think the thing to do is ask an authority figure in his life for help. Maybe your pastor, talk with him and ask him for help. Maybe your father in law if it isn't like your husband is just a copy of him. Some older man or friend of your husband whom he respects really can make the suggestion for change and have a much better chance of a positive response.
What happens with a lot of these men is they are really almost over passive with others like their bosses and such and when they come home they explode on the family and become an absolute dictator. Getting help such and counseling can really help them because they can learn how to be much happier professionally and not a doormat, and much happier personally because they aren't some dictator that scares their family. It's just hard for the family to get the dictator to get counseling and other people often think he's just he nicest guy, why would he need counseling?
Usually guys who holler are one of those two types, someone who has just learned to do it. Or someone who is often profoundly unhappy, who is very passive in his job and dealings with others who turns around and is a dictator to his family.
Marv
But I assume you mean best friend. My bad.
..but I dont think thats the answer..
(lord have mercy!)... if he gets too close in his anger, the fight is on, I go into pure defense mode.. but that is off the topic.
