Please help! Huge misunderstanding! How do I talk to him about this?

[StillLearning]

That really depends on how much you want to be with someone who will drop you like a hot potato before clearing the air and explaining why, I guess.

He's sending you cryptic messages about harlots in the Bible and stopping talking to you, or backing way off, 6 weeks in.

If it were me, my virtuousness has always spoken for itself so I'd feel no need to clear the air on that point, I know what I am and am quite confident in it, as well as I'd not care to be with someone, anyone, that jumpy around me.

I prefer people who can handle being in my presense without jumping to conclusions about what I mean by everything I do.

In the end it's your choice, but the type of man you have described is NOT the marrying kind. (imho)

I think we're both equally damaged from the past. There are things about me that no one else has ever accepted, yet he did. Likewise I accept things about him that I guess other people don't.

 

[StillLearning]

Sometimes it's best to move on before we get caught in the uncomfortable, unhealthy trap.
M-Bob

That's difficult... I can't avoid seeing him every now and then, and eventually that will become almost every day.

 

[StillLearning]

That's just it --- God knows who loves Him; we can't always be sure. And no one has reached perfection even if they are or think they are Christian. A stable Christian wouldn't act the way he does.

We're both damaged from the past. He has his faults and I have mine...

 

[StillLearning]

All his life? Babies aren't Christians.

Point taken. He grew up going to church though.

 

[StillLearning]

Thank you.

May the Lord bless you.

Thank you and you too

 

[StillLearning]

young love always lets things go by thinking he/she will change or he/she has these flaws but... If these things concern you so much then you need to talk to him about it and confront him on the things that have hurt you to seek clarity. These sort of passive aggressive messages lead to bitterness and will put a rift between you which isn't too serious because you're not even married (are you even a "couple") but don't just try and appease him because that's not going to fix whatever is festering. Never approach a relationship like a project. You may confront him on issues and challenge him but in the end he is who he is. If you cannot accept the result of all this, including his flaws, then later they will be damaging if the relationship continues. So fix it now of risk fixing it messy later... or simply let it fizzle out and move on.

That's just it, I do accept him flaws and all. He accepts things about me no one else does either... it's just this, whatever caused it, that's caused a problem. I can't just move on... that's difficult when you have to see someone regularly..

 

[Kit Sigmon]

I met an extremely devoted Christian guy this year and we went out for the first time last month. He's the man of my dreams and I don't think I've ever loved any man as much as I love him.

Starting when I saw him last time, there were some things that just didn't make sense to me... and I haven't seen him at all lately. Last time I saw him, he let me know that he loved me! I was so happy! Then later that same day, he made a comment to his friend (he knew I would hear it) which meant that he would meet someone else in the future (I didn't know why he would say that and it hurt so much), and shortly after that he made a joke about me being "very willing" which didn't really fit the situation (I was helping him with something) and I felt at the time he was hinting at something else but wasn't sure what exactly he was referring to. It was as if he was pushing me away and our hug goodbye was awkward. It was like he wanted me to leave and I couldn't understand why the sudden change.

When I met up with him that day, he gave me a kiss on the cheek (I then tried to do the same but he's so much taller than me that I missed and it landed on his neck instead!). I was too embarrassed to mention it afterwards. I dressed better that day than I usually did, but nothing revealing, had my hair done before I met up with him, and I felt confident. The two of us gazed into each other's eyes for quite a long time and I really felt like things were moving forward and he was on the verge of asking me to be his girlfriend.

He's been forwarding me things via text and other than that, contact has been minimal, and there seemed to be some kind of deeper meaning to some of the things he sent me, like it had something to do with the two of us. At one time, I wasn't really paying much attention to the stuff he forwarded me. One thing I did pay attention to, was a song he sent me, which tells of someone being heartbroken and despondent, not being able to bear the thought of having to start over again and wondering if they would ever find true love.

I didn't know what was going on. But last night I went through my messages and one in particular I didn't pay attention to previously, which he sent me a week after I saw him last time. And I am in complete shock... he sent me verses from Proverbs 5... the man having to stay away from the woman because the woman is a loose woman!!! And I can't think of any reason a guy would send those scriptures to a woman other than to let her know that is how he sees her!! I'm completely heartbroken, because I am the complete opposite. Just like him, I try to obey God. Something I did must have caused him to see me like that even though nothing can be further from the truth. Was it the eye contact? (I don't know what guys think when they do that, but I was thinking of how much I loved him). Was it the accidental kiss on his neck? The fact that I looked too confident? Was I too well dressed (no short skirts or anything...)?

I just can't believe that something that is not even true can cause him to throw a future away. I've never met anyone I have so much in common with - even he was shocked at how similar we are, same exact beliefs, same future plans, everything. I really believed that God answered my prayers by sending him to me because he is everything I've ever wished for in a guy, and to me how it all happened was a complete miracle. After years of being single and not dating, he appeared in my life out of nowhere. People who see us together, think we're already married. I just can't walk away and let it end like this when he's just got the wrong assumption about me... it just doesn't make sense to me to throw away a future with the guy I'm in love with because of a misunderstanding.

I'm completely heartbroken and I keep praying for God to please let him see that it's not true and it's just a misunderstanding on his part. What do I do? How do I get him to see me so I can talk to him? How do I approach the subject? Do I just confront him and ask him why he sent me those scriptures, then take it from there? What do I say to him?? I've never been in this situation before...

(Please pray for me that God will show him the truth and bring us back together again)....

Well now... the man showing himself to you, what he be like....are you paying attention?
And you showing how you be like...are you aware of that?


Do you see this has gone on too long and the matter is still unresolved?
Do you realize these type of behaviors and actions lead to failed relationships?

Instead of you and him sitting down like adults and discussing this matter, he's playing it off and you be doing all this speculating ...enough of that already!
You both be over 35, you'll ain't teenagers...things should of been addressed the very first time you believed he made an inaccurate comment/assumption about you.

I highly recommend that both of you should seek counseling and learn how to communicate appropriately with one another.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I think we're both equally damaged from the past. There are things about me that no one else has ever accepted, yet he did. Likewise I accept things about him that I guess other people don't.

Just make sure you aren't accepting yourself straight into a dysfunctional relationship where you find yourself in a lifetime of accusations based on faulty and incorrect conclusions.

Those can be downright dangerous.

Two damaged people can have successful relationships with one another, and when successful, the people are damaged but the relationships aren't dysfunctional, it's why they are successful.

You and he aren't showing you can have a successful relationship with one another.

 

[StillLearning]

Well now... the man showing himself to you, what he be like....are you paying attention?
And you showing how you be like...are you aware of that?


Do you see this has gone on too long and the matter is still unresolved?
Do you realize these type of behaviors and actions lead to failed relationships?

Instead of you and him sitting down like adults and discussing this matter, he's playing it off and you be doing all this speculating ...enough of that already!
You both be over 35, you'll ain't teenagers...things should of been addressed the very first time you believed he made an inaccurate comment/assumption about you.

I highly recommend that both of you should seek counseling and learn how to communicate appropriately with one another.

Thanks for the tough Christian love... I needed to hear that... I appreciate it.

I just heard from him so I don't think I'll have a problem getting him to come over later in the week to talk to him.

 

[StillLearning]

Just make sure you aren't accepting yourself straight into a dysfunctional relationship where you find yourself in a lifetime of accusations based on faulty and incorrect conclusions.

Those can be downright dangerous.

Two damaged people can have successful relationships with one another, and when successful, the people are damaged but the relationships aren't dysfunctional, it's why they are successful.

You and he aren't showing you can have a successful relationship with one another.

I really hope it can change. I'm praying for it to change.

I just heard from him, so I think he'll come over when I ask him to, so we can talk.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

I hope your conversation goes well and you are able to resolve things.

If you were both in your teens or 20s, I wouldn't be too worried by what I'm hearing because your emotions fluctuate a lot and you have a long time in front of you to think about things - but a couple in their 40s who are ready for marriage...yes, it worries me that he says 'I love you' so quickly and then backs away. Usually, couples meeting later in life have a more settled idea of what they are looking for and tend to proceed at a fairly steady pace. It also strikes me as a little odd that you didn't read his text for so long - do you feel the same way about him when you are apart as when you are together? Because when I was going out with someone I felt that strongly about, I read every single word he sent me as soon as it arrived!

Also, just because he has been a Christian for years, don't assume that he will be honourable. Some years ago, I date a guy in his 30s who was at Bible college, training to be a pastor. He blew hot and cold, sometimes really communicating and other times being very distant and acting to other people as if I were just a 'good friend'. I swallowed all his explanations for his odd behaviour because I believed that a 'mature' Christian who would preach and lead services & prayer meetings must be ok, so any issues with his behaviour were my fault...we were talking marriage and discussing when to become formally engaged. And then I found out he had another fiancée...we'd been going out for a year, and he'd been dating her for most of the time we were together.

So guard your heart. And if you have any doubts, listen to them. It may be hard to stamp down on your feelings for him. But however hard it will be at this stage to see him without being part of his life, it will be far more painful to be betrayed if you go further into this relationship. If your heart tells you something is wrong, please listen to it!

 

[eleos1954]

I might have to try that, although I'm not too good at it, I usually do it the long way... I think I'll be too nervous when I sit down with him to talk about this

I understand, but, maybe think of it this way .... if you are considering a long term relationship with someone ... wouldn't it be best to know you can (or can not) have serious conversations without being nervous?

 

[akaDaScribe]

I really hope it can change. I'm praying for it to change.

I just heard from him, so I think he'll come over when I ask him to, so we can talk.

So...
What happened?

 

[FatalHeart]

Wow. Like, wow. Ok. So, when I was young my brother "felt led" to start a small group, which Satan promptly used to tear all of us apart spiritually. I was naive in that I trusted my family and through all those premature experiences without mature spiritual guidance, because of my trust, much demonic activity ensued. It went as far as having a confrontation with a couple witches who could hear our thoughts who were openly accepted as members and allowed to teach some of their ideas by members trusted by my brother. Nothing magical, of course, just philosophical and moralistic. Nice things that sounded good but were very subversive scripturally. Anyway, that's what happens when you're left to yourself, anxious, and confused.

Satan likes to use relationships, especially "He is the one," concepts, to get your heart attached and hurt. Because of the direct "signs from God," we start seeing things as a matter of Divine will and let Satan blame God or you through what happens that "ruined such a perfect thing." The problem is that when we let our own desires let Satan write our story, it produces pain and bitterness and ungodliness in our lives. As Christians it's imperative that we let God lead and not be misled by the over activity of lying spirits. Such a thing is idolatry if the main reason for it is desire.

All this speculation is not wise and it isn't healthy for you. Define his actions as you wish but you have yet to share direct information as to what he is thinking, which, to me, screams arrogance. It's like you've written your own story already into who he is and what he means all before ever talking to him directly about it. I wonder if you treated God that way if it would go well with you? But are you not already doing that to your brother? Where is your respect?

Your heart means well. But that doesn't justify you. To walk uprightly means more than having the right intention. God is a God of order and you are not acting orderly. I was responsible for my lack of self control in how I addressed my anxiety and fears, and I was responsible in my lack of maturity that kept me trusting in someone that did not deserve my trust. I was responsible for my thoughts going haywire in my anxiety. I was responsible for it all and so are you.

Be wise, then, my dear. Be strong. You don't know exactly what God wants with things. You don't know exactly what the man means or is thinking. You don't know what the future holds or where you should go. But you know Who you want to live for and I'm sure if given the choice you'd clearly choose God instead of any man. Therefore, all you really need to do is talk to this guy and lay it all down on the table. Instead of judging him on supposed infractions he has no idea about, ask him. I think I read that you were going to have a conversation with him about it all, so, most of this reply is so you can understand to fight the demonic activity going on in your mind and heart and understand that not every "truth" or guidance or thought or desire is from the Lord.

 

[Robin Mauro]

Run for your life! He is playing you; being manipulative rather than speaking plainly what he thinks and wants. Just because he claims to be a Christian does not mean he necessarily is, and even if he is, he is not behaving toward you as a Christian should...secret vague messages, veiled innuendo...move on! He is not worth giving your heart to.

 

[StillLearning]

I hope your conversation goes well and you are able to resolve things.

If you were both in your teens or 20s, I wouldn't be too worried by what I'm hearing because your emotions fluctuate a lot and you have a long time in front of you to think about things - but a couple in their 40s who are ready for marriage...yes, it worries me that he says 'I love you' so quickly and then backs away. Usually, couples meeting later in life have a more settled idea of what they are looking for and tend to proceed at a fairly steady pace. It also strikes me as a little odd that you didn't read his text for so long - do you feel the same way about him when you are apart as when you are together? Because when I was going out with someone I felt that strongly about, I read every single word he sent me as soon as it arrived!

Also, just because he has been a Christian for years, don't assume that he will be honourable. Some years ago, I date a guy in his 30s who was at Bible college, training to be a pastor. He blew hot and cold, sometimes really communicating and other times being very distant and acting to other people as if I were just a 'good friend'. I swallowed all his explanations for his odd behaviour because I believed that a 'mature' Christian who would preach and lead services & prayer meetings must be ok, so any issues with his behaviour were my fault...we were talking marriage and discussing when to become formally engaged. And then I found out he had another fiancée...we'd been going out for a year, and he'd been dating her for most of the time we were together.

So guard your heart. And if you have any doubts, listen to them. It may be hard to stamp down on your feelings for him. But however hard it will be at this stage to see him without being part of his life, it will be far more painful to be betrayed if you go further into this relationship. If your heart tells you something is wrong, please listen to it!

Thank you.

I am SO sorry to hear about what you went through... it's crazy that someone would do that to anyone!! ((Hugs))

The guy I'm posting about tends to mention me to friends and strangers quite often in front of me... he kind of brags about me to others (at least until I noticed that night that something wasn't right). It was so obvious to people that he likes me, that strangers thought we were married, and a friend thought it was cute how he was looking after me when we were out with the group - mostly married Christian guys telling me these things, their observations of what they saw. I doubt he has someone else.

And yes I absolutely feel the same about him no matter if we're together or apart. I just tend to get about 300 messages to read a day that sometimes it becomes a bit too much and I stop reading anything that I can see isn't a personal message someone typed out to me.

My heart tells me I belong with him...

 

[fat wee robin]

He does want children yes... he told me. He knew my age before he asked me out and he's fine with it. I'm a year younger than him... I can still have children.

It's really difficult to let go because I can't avoid seeing him every now and then. Eventually I'll be seeing him almost every day...

So you have communicated as much !This being the case, it would be good idea to avoid him quite deliberately ,as he needs some space to come to a decision,without feeling pressured .If you can avoid seeing him do so, even if it means missing Church or meetings .You don't have so much time to waste so don't it wait too long for a positive turn,and then let go if nothing is happening .

 

[StillLearning]

Wow. Like, wow. Ok. So, when I was young my brother "felt led" to start a small group, which Satan promptly used to tear all of us apart spiritually. I was naive in that I trusted my family and through all those premature experiences without mature spiritual guidance, because of my trust, much demonic activity ensued. It went as far as having a confrontation with a couple witches who could hear our thoughts who were openly accepted as members and allowed to teach some of their ideas by members trusted by my brother. Nothing magical, of course, just philosophical and moralistic. Nice things that sounded good but were very subversive scripturally. Anyway, that's what happens when you're left to yourself, anxious, and confused.

Satan likes to use relationships, especially "He is the one," concepts, to get your heart attached and hurt. Because of the direct "signs from God," we start seeing things as a matter of Divine will and let Satan blame God or you through what happens that "ruined such a perfect thing." The problem is that when we let our own desires let Satan write our story, it produces pain and bitterness and ungodliness in our lives. As Christians it's imperative that we let God lead and not be misled by the over activity of lying spirits. Such a thing is idolatry if the main reason for it is desire.

All this speculation is not wise and it isn't healthy for you. Define his actions as you wish but you have yet to share direct information as to what he is thinking, which, to me, screams arrogance. It's like you've written your own story already into who he is and what he means all before ever talking to him directly about it. I wonder if you treated God that way if it would go well with you? But are you not already doing that to your brother? Where is your respect?

Your heart means well. But that doesn't justify you. To walk uprightly means more than having the right intention. God is a God of order and you are not acting orderly. I was responsible for my lack of self control in how I addressed my anxiety and fears, and I was responsible in my lack of maturity that kept me trusting in someone that did not deserve my trust. I was responsible for my thoughts going haywire in my anxiety. I was responsible for it all and so are you.

Be wise, then, my dear. Be strong. You don't know exactly what God wants with things. You don't know exactly what the man means or is thinking. You don't know what the future holds or where you should go. But you know Who you want to live for and I'm sure if given the choice you'd clearly choose God instead of any man. Therefore, all you really need to do is talk to this guy and lay it all down on the table. Instead of judging him on supposed infractions he has no idea about, ask him. I think I read that you were going to have a conversation with him about it all, so, most of this reply is so you can understand to fight the demonic activity going on in your mind and heart and understand that not every "truth" or guidance or thought or desire is from the Lord.

Thank you I really appreciate your thoughts on this. It could be demonic activity going on in my mind, but then I wonder about why his behaviour changed towards me that day. Yes I'm going to speak to him in person, but I know he's got a busy weekend ahead and it will probably only be next week.

 

[StillLearning]

Run for your life! He is playing you; being manipulative rather than speaking plainly what he thinks and wants. Just because he claims to be a Christian does not mean he necessarily is, and even if he is, he is not behaving toward you as a Christian should...secret vague messages, veiled innuendo...move on! He is not worth giving your heart to.

It's not so easy... I can't avoid seeing him.

How can he be playing me when it's obvious to friends and strangers that he likes me?

 

[StillLearning]

So you have communicated as much !This being the case, it would be good idea to avoid him quite deliberately ,as he needs some space to come to a decision,without feeling pressured .If you can avoid seeing him do so, even if it means missing Church or meetings .You don't have so much time to waste so don't it wait too long for a positive turn,and then let go if nothing is happening .

I do skip going to a lot of the group events he goes to, but there are a few coming up that I have to be at... I can't skip those... and he's in charge at one..