Pastor Asking My Wife to Meet?

[pdudgeon]

I'm graciously asking for advice on a struggle that I can't seem to shake.

The background...

My wife and I serve as volunteer ministry leaders in a church of about 200. We've been at the church for about 5 yrs. Our pastor started this church about 10 years ago. The pastor and I are fairly close, talking/texting a few times a week.

About a month ago at a small group (with our pastor present) my wife shared that she was struggling with some career ambiguity/satisfaction, the idea of getting older, and some hopes and dreams not coming to fruition. She communicated in such a way that it didn't come across as emotionally-charged, excessively heavy or emergent. More like, "This is what's on my heart right now."

Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. "

She shard the text with me and we discussed at depth. Candidly, I was surprised that he engaged 1:1, the playful context of the message, and that he didn't give me a heads up since we are so close.

We ultimately agreed that the intent was likely positive but the approach was somewhat off. Since it was a single incident we chalked it up to a bad choice and decided to cover it in grace and move on. He and I interacted Sunday as normal and my wife tried to respectfully steer clear as to not get in a conversation that could take him off his game him right before service.

Yesterday she received another text of a similar nature. I confess that I am now feeling protective and a little hurt that there has been no mention of his interaction with her to me even though we've had many conversations since. I still believe his intentions are good but I am confused and struggling with this adverse approach to what seems to be commonly accepted practices of healthy ministry relationships and appropriate male-female interactions.

At this point I believe we have to engage somehow but I want to do that respectfully and in a manner that protects my wife, the pastor, the church and the ministry.

The questions...

I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

 

[LoricaLady]

You saw attacks and insults.....I saw a group of letters that formed words and sentences..... just like your post....It does not make me feel or think anything that I do not wish to think or feel.

Thanks for helping to support my initial post to the OP. I wish you success and whatever you are trying to accomplish...... But you cannot make me think anything negative about you or your words. For my heart and mind is guarded

As I said above, it would be up to a moderator to decide. Bye!

 

[Sanoy]

What you posted had nothing to do with the verse i posted.

The verse you quoted was on abstaining from the appearance of evil. My reply was regarding the practicality of abstaining from the appearance of evil, and that it is not always in our power to achieve.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

I'm graciously asking for advice on a struggle that I can't seem to shake.

The background...

My wife and I serve as volunteer ministry leaders in a church of about 200. We've been at the church for about 5 yrs. Our pastor started this church about 10 years ago. The pastor and I are fairly close, talking/texting a few times a week.

About a month ago at a small group (with our pastor present) my wife shared that she was struggling with some career ambiguity/satisfaction, the idea of getting older, and some hopes and dreams not coming to fruition. She communicated in such a way that it didn't come across as emotionally-charged, excessively heavy or emergent. More like, "This is what's on my heart right now."

Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. "

She shard the text with me and we discussed at depth. Candidly, I was surprised that he engaged 1:1, the playful context of the message, and that he didn't give me a heads up since we are so close.

We ultimately agreed that the intent was likely positive but the approach was somewhat off. Since it was a single incident we chalked it up to a bad choice and decided to cover it in grace and move on. He and I interacted Sunday as normal and my wife tried to respectfully steer clear as to not get in a conversation that could take him off his game him right before service.

Yesterday she received another text of a similar nature. I confess that I am now feeling protective and a little hurt that there has been no mention of his interaction with her to me even though we've had many conversations since. I still believe his intentions are good but I am confused and struggling with this adverse approach to what seems to be commonly accepted practices of healthy ministry relationships and appropriate male-female interactions.

At this point I believe we have to engage somehow but I want to do that respectfully and in a manner that protects my wife, the pastor, the church and the ministry.

The questions...

I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

God's people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
1 Thessalonians 5:22 says avoid any appearance of evil.
Maybe your Pastor is ignorant of this verse in what it says (But he shouldn't be) if he shepherding a flock of many people. Maybe he made an honest mistake. Even so, he is still in violation of 1 Thessalonians 5:22 regardless. Sure, there is God's grace, but when folks do things that are not in line with His Word, chances are they set themselves up for sin. It is even possible that he may be acting in good behavior, and he may even be a good man. But even good men can fall. King Saul is one such example. I think it is best to protect yourself and your wife because people are capable of really a lot worse than you think of. He is taking a huge gamble on contacting your wife alone and sending her smilie faces. It is not appropriate for not only a Pastor but for any man to do that to your wife. I would leave your church and find another one.

 

[Sanoy]

We will judge angels, please, let us not do poorly in this between each other.

 

[Sanoy]

double post.

 

[A Realist]

Nothing wrong with ratings......your views are popular, so they can be expected.

Then you agree that there wasn't a reason in the world for you to bring my "ratings" into the conversation in the first place, was there?

 

[pdudgeon]

You are absolutely right to question his behavior.
What that minister should have done was to have chatted to you first, because she is your wife.

Any time that the topic of a conversation goes beyond friendly greetings between a man and a woman, there is an open gate for a change in the relationship. And that is why you should also be included in the conversation, even though you are not the one having a problem.

I'm glad that your wife told you about the situation, because now you have a natural reason to request a chat with the minister one-on-one. In that chat just remind him that she is your wife, she is already taken, and is not open for any kind of mutual sharing with him in a situation where you are not present.

As her husband, she should naturally be looking towards you first for ideas on how to handle situations or problems that trouble her.

If the two of you have already had that conversation, that is the time to seek a couples meeting with your Pastor to see if he can give the two of you some helpful counseling.

What he should not be doing is climbing over the fence of an established marriage in order to steel a ewe lamb.

 

[brinny]

We will judge angels, please, let us not do poorly in this between each other.

This makes no sense.

 

[RaymondG]

Then you agree that there wasn't a reason in the world for you to bring my "ratings" into the conversation in the first place, was there?

You linked my attitude to the cause of religious sexual predators, or the freedon they have to prey. i have no problem with it.....however Was there a reason in the world to do that? do you find that less offensive than suggesting that one could get good ratings for such a post? Maybe so....feeling can be difficult to control.

Either way, I meant no offense, my apologies if you saw them in my words.

 

[A Realist]

You linked my attitude to the cause of religious sexual predators.

...and rightly so. The "turn a blind eye to the man-of-god's actions" attitude has done nothing but empower sick-minded clergy.

 

[LoricaLady]

You are absolutely right to question his behavior.
What that minister should have done was to have chatted to you first, because she is your wife.

Any time that the topic of a conversation goes beyond friendly greetings between a man and a woman, there is an open gate for a change in the relationship. And that is why you should also be included in the conversation, even though you are not the one having a problem.

I'm glad that your wife told you about the situation, because now you have a natural reason to request a chat with the minister one-on-one. In that chat just remind him that she is your wife, she is already taken, and is not open for any kind of mutual sharing with him in a situation where you are not present.

As her husband, she should naturally be looking towards you first for ideas on how to handle situations or problems that trouble her.

If the two of you have already had that conversation, that is the time to seek a couples meeting with your Pastor to see if he can give the two of you some helpful counseling.

What he should not be doing is climbing over the fence of an established marriage in order to steel a ewe lamb.

Why would you want to get counseling from someone who wants to climb over a fence and steal a ewe lamb? Rhetorical Q.

 

[RaymondG]

...and rightly so. The "turn a blind eye to the man-of-god's actions" attitude has done nothing but empower sick-minded clergy.

I believe that you are only saying that you believe to be true in your heart.....and I find no fault it in. I hope that one they you can realize this of other posters as well.......and if not, I see no wrong in that as well.

Thank you for the conversation.

 

[Cis.jd]

I'm graciously asking for advice on a struggle that I can't seem to shake.

The background...

My wife and I serve as volunteer ministry leaders in a church of about 200. We've been at the church for about 5 yrs. Our pastor started this church about 10 years ago. The pastor and I are fairly close, talking/texting a few times a week.

About a month ago at a small group (with our pastor present) my wife shared that she was struggling with some career ambiguity/satisfaction, the idea of getting older, and some hopes and dreams not coming to fruition. She communicated in such a way that it didn't come across as emotionally-charged, excessively heavy or emergent. More like, "This is what's on my heart right now."

Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. "

She shard the text with me and we discussed at depth. Candidly, I was surprised that he engaged 1:1, the playful context of the message, and that he didn't give me a heads up since we are so close.

We ultimately agreed that the intent was likely positive but the approach was somewhat off. Since it was a single incident we chalked it up to a bad choice and decided to cover it in grace and move on. He and I interacted Sunday as normal and my wife tried to respectfully steer clear as to not get in a conversation that could take him off his game him right before service.

Yesterday she received another text of a similar nature. I confess that I am now feeling protective and a little hurt that there has been no mention of his interaction with her to me even though we've had many conversations since. I still believe his intentions are good but I am confused and struggling with this adverse approach to what seems to be commonly accepted practices of healthy ministry relationships and appropriate male-female interactions.

At this point I believe we have to engage somehow but I want to do that respectfully and in a manner that protects my wife, the pastor, the church and the ministry.

The questions...

I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

Brother, you are a man you know the "Bro Code". As a man, knowing how men are.. would you ever ask some woman (especially married) for a 1:1 personal face-to-face conversation behind your back? No, Unless you are interested in her.

 

[Sanoy]

This makes no sense.

Saying something makes no sense without clarifying makes no sense to the person who needs to clarify. I will clarify anything you want but you have to be clear about what you are confused about.

 

[brinny]

Saying something makes no sense without clarifying makes no sense to the person who needs to clarify. I will clarify anything you want but you have to be clear about what you are confused about.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

The questions...

I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

You are correct in your concerns and thoughts. Be simply straightforward likewise with others as God Provides opportunity and direction. (not all 'pastors' are aware of the strict caution needed and/or many pitfalls (and many pastors who have fallen) that are frequently present. As love hopes for the best, it is simply a lack of maturity/ or a misunderstanding, not leading to anything awkward again, but open and in the LIGHT.

 

[royal priest]

I'm graciously asking for advice on a struggle that I can't seem to shake.

The background...

My wife and I serve as volunteer ministry leaders in a church of about 200. We've been at the church for about 5 yrs. Our pastor started this church about 10 years ago. The pastor and I are fairly close, talking/texting a few times a week.

About a month ago at a small group (with our pastor present) my wife shared that she was struggling with some career ambiguity/satisfaction, the idea of getting older, and some hopes and dreams not coming to fruition. She communicated in such a way that it didn't come across as emotionally-charged, excessively heavy or emergent. More like, "This is what's on my heart right now."

Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. "

She shard the text with me and we discussed at depth. Candidly, I was surprised that he engaged 1:1, the playful context of the message, and that he didn't give me a heads up since we are so close.

We ultimately agreed that the intent was likely positive but the approach was somewhat off. Since it was a single incident we chalked it up to a bad choice and decided to cover it in grace and move on. He and I interacted Sunday as normal and my wife tried to respectfully steer clear as to not get in a conversation that could take him off his game him right before service.

Yesterday she received another text of a similar nature. I confess that I am now feeling protective and a little hurt that there has been no mention of his interaction with her to me even though we've had many conversations since. I still believe his intentions are good but I am confused and struggling with this adverse approach to what seems to be commonly accepted practices of healthy ministry relationships and appropriate male-female interactions.

At this point I believe we have to engage somehow but I want to do that respectfully and in a manner that protects my wife, the pastor, the church and the ministry.

The questions...

I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

He should be approaching you in respect of your headship over her.

 

[aiki]

Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. "

She shard the text with me and we discussed at depth. Candidly, I was surprised that he engaged 1:1, the playful context of the message, and that he didn't give me a heads up since we are so close.

Yes, VERY inappropriate for any pastor to do.

Yesterday she received another text of a similar nature. I confess that I am now feeling protective and a little hurt that there has been no mention of his interaction with her to me even though we've had many conversations since. I still believe his intentions are good but I am confused and struggling with this adverse approach to what seems to be commonly accepted practices of healthy ministry relationships and appropriate male-female interactions.

Well, why haven't you simply talked to your pastor? What are you waiting for? If it's bothering you so much - and it should, frankly - clear the air with him. And tell him not to send personal texts to a woman who isn't his wife.

At this point I believe we have to engage somehow but I want to do that respectfully and in a manner that protects my wife, the pastor, the church and the ministry.

Amen. Be straightforward. Not aggressive, but not milquetoast, either. Your pastor ought not to be texting women in the church to meet privately with him. Period.

I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.

And this is how it ought to be done. I had a grandfather who was a pastor and have a father and two brothers who are pastors and none of them would EVER attempt to arrange a private, one-on-one meeting with another man's wife.

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

NO.

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

As you do: In the company of their wife or some other trusted, spiritually-mature woman.

 

[RaymondG]

What of the respect on the Pastors headship over the Church? If he suspected abuse.....would we say that he should approach the abuser first to get permission to speak to the wife about it?

Even the world does not do this.....in medical examinations the husband is asked to leave before asking the wife personal questions.

I think too many assumptions are being made.

Maybe he should be asked to stop without assumption of any negative doing or motives.