• Welcome to Christian Forums
  1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to be able to join in fellowship with Christians all over the world.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless!

  2. The forums in the Christian Congregations category are now open only to Christian members. Please review our current Faith Groups list for information on which faith groups are considered to be Christian faiths. Christian members please remember to read the Statement of Purpose threads for each forum within Christian Congregations before posting in the forum.

Featured Pastor Asking My Wife to Meet?

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by WorshipNico1, Oct 9, 2019.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. WorshipNico1

    WorshipNico1 New Member

    3
    +7
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I'm graciously asking for advice on a struggle that I can't seem to shake.

    The background...

    My wife and I serve as volunteer ministry leaders in a church of about 200. We've been at the church for about 5 yrs. Our pastor started this church about 10 years ago. The pastor and I are fairly close, talking/texting a few times a week.

    About a month ago at a small group (with our pastor present) my wife shared that she was struggling with some career ambiguity/satisfaction, the idea of getting older, and some hopes and dreams not coming to fruition. She communicated in such a way that it didn't come across as emotionally-charged, excessively heavy or emergent. More like, "This is what's on my heart right now."

    Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. ;)"

    She shard the text with me and we discussed at depth. Candidly, I was surprised that he engaged 1:1, the playful context of the message, and that he didn't give me a heads up since we are so close.

    We ultimately agreed that the intent was likely positive but the approach was somewhat off. Since it was a single incident we chalked it up to a bad choice and decided to cover it in grace and move on. He and I interacted Sunday as normal and my wife tried to respectfully steer clear as to not get in a conversation that could take him off his game him right before service.

    Yesterday she received another text of a similar nature. I confess that I am now feeling protective and a little hurt that there has been no mention of his interaction with her to me even though we've had many conversations since. I still believe his intentions are good but I am confused and struggling with this adverse approach to what seems to be commonly accepted practices of healthy ministry relationships and appropriate male-female interactions.

    At this point I believe we have to engage somehow but I want to do that respectfully and in a manner that protects my wife, the pastor, the church and the ministry.

    The questions...

    I know with a degree of certainty that other pastors whom I'm connected with or have served with in the past would not put themselves in such a position with another female, even with the best of intentions. I confess that I am more conservative on this matter and understand that there are other approaches. Even in the ministry we steward, I disciple the men 1:1 and she disciples the women 1:1. In instances where there is a need we attempt to meet it together. I can personally say that I have never approached a female to meet 1:1 and do my best to not open doors that could lead to those situations.

    1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

    2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?
     
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,992
    Messianic
    Private
    Get out of that Church and away from the Pastor ASAP. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He has a lot of never contacting your wife in that way. Study up on marital boundaries. Christians can be soooo naive and not see even the glaringly obvious especially from others who are supposed to be Christians, too, and who are leaders. They want to believe the best, but that's not what the world is putting out in the majority of cases, and that certainly includes Pastors in many instances.

    Pastors are just people like everyone else. They got jobs leading Churches. They may have been to seminaries and done some Biblical resesarch. None of those things take away sin nature. Those activities can even be a cover for, frankly, evil people.

    Wake up. See the obvious friend. Get out.

    If a co worker had sent such a message to your wife, would you trust him? Why trust a Pastor who does the same thing and is even supposed to know better?

    Maybe if he had said, Let's get together the three of us, it wouldn't be so obvious that he is a wolf on the make. But he didn't include you, did he?
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2019
    • Agree Agree x 9
    • Like Like x 2
    • Prayers Prayers x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • List
  3. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

    +104,617
    Non-Denom
    Private
    US-Constitution
    Absolutely not. He should NEVER EVER first of all, initiate a contact with your wife like that, let alone "twice".

    IN addition, he needs "accountability" from those in the church who over see him and his activities, and of whom he would've gone to to inquire if he should contact your wife, and their response would've been "no", and it would've sent up "flags" about any "patterns" of his. The question is...has he ever done this before with anyone else, and if they haven't already done so, to "research" his history BIG TIME.

    In the meantime, get OUT of there, and pray pray pray about this for on-going wisdom, and spiritual discernment.

    Praying for both of you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  4. Sanoy

    Sanoy Well-Known Member

    +1,172
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    He shouldn't of done that, it's improper. But I would hate to judge a man by a single sentence. I trust my wife, and if it happened to me I would tell her to visit, but leave if things get Janky, and then I would leave the church. If you quit the church because of that message, you will be asked why you left. That answer will cause others to draw the same conclusion, which will be horrible if you are wrong.
     
  5. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +7,380
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    That's creepy. Texting your wife and just casually failing to mention it to you, or let you know? Winking icon?

    Something's off.

    I'm thankful your wife shared this. She sounds like a good woman.

    Don't let her hang out with this Pastor. Prayerfully consider finding another fellowship.
     
  6. timewerx

    timewerx the village i--o--t--

    +4,432
    Christian Seeker
    Single
    It's possible the pastor thinks your wife's "problem" is about you (is why he wants to discuss with your wife 1:1). This is why pastor isn't texting you about it.

    Although it's a very awkard situation, it's also possible the pastor is only genuinely concerned and have no ill intentions.

    Obviously, that isn't the case, otherwise, your wife would not have shown you pastor's text messages.

    Here's what you can do:

    Allow wife to go into 1:1 discussion with pastor. But make sure your wife decides the location to meet. Preferrably a public place but quiet enough like a coffee house.

    If my hunch is correct, your wife will help clear things up about you and resolve this awkward situation once and for all and you can all laugh it off afterwards.

    But if things go south and creepy meter goes bonkers during the meet, leave your church.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Prayers Prayers x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  7. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

    +104,617
    Non-Denom
    Private
    US-Constitution
    i see a red flag (maybe several) BIG TIME Sanoy.

    I'm thankful that Nico posted this thread. He's spot on with his concerns and spiritual discernment. The fact that this pastor did so TWICE is even more cause for alarm. This pastor needs accountability and someone to investigate his history there and the church, and before he was in the church.

    Any pastor worth their salt is NEVER going to meet with a woman alone, let alone send those text messages.

    There's something SERIOUSLY wrong with this picture.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  8. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

    +21,486
    Anglican
    Married
    'What's on her heart' obviously involves her spouse in one way or another, so that could be a reason for wanting a discussion that is confidential. But the note is so obviously suspect as it is worded, and likely to be read by you (as indeed it was), that I wonder if he is not just clumsy or naïve. I don't know.
     
  9. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

    +104,617
    Non-Denom
    Private
    US-Constitution
    :scratch:
     
  10. musicalpilgrim

    musicalpilgrim pilgrim on the sacred music pathway Supporter Angels Team

    +20,505
    United Kingdom
    Pentecostal
    Married
    You need to be straight, your wife could say that you can meet as a couple, but not on her own. I seem to remember Mike Pence wouldn't have dinner with a female journalist without his wife. I am inclined to agree with the previous post, it is not right and open to problems.
     
  11. Sanoy

    Sanoy Well-Known Member

    +1,172
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I'm not familiar with flirting at all, so I'm not likely to sense anything other than the clear impropriety. What advice would you give for how to handle the questions he will be asked for why he left? Is the sense of the sentence enough to reveal the details to those members who ask? If he is wrong it will be tragic. I think for sure it should be brought privately to the elders.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  12. timewerx

    timewerx the village i--o--t--

    +4,432
    Christian Seeker
    Single
    There's a probability the pastor is just concerned about the wife and assumes the problem could be the husband.

    This is is why the discussion would require 1:1, not involve her husband nor she could bring a friend. Because such discussion could infuriate some husbands towards their wives. Or bringing a friend would make the friend gossip about the meet and the discussion.

    The wink could be innocent. Us guys, can be quite insensitive sometimes and cross the boundary into awkwardness.

    I don't think any harm would come in just one coffee house meet with other people around. You are simply gathering information.

    But if things go south, part ways politely.....And stop attending that church pronto.
     
  13. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

    +104,617
    Non-Denom
    Private
    US-Constitution
    Sanoy, who CARES about their "questions"? I would, if they insist, show them the texts, along with the "winking" smilie-BOTH of those texts- and ask them if they seeeeeeriously want to know. How DARE anyone even "hint" that this couple has done anything wrong. There's NO WAY i would stay in that church. And there is NO WAY that pastor is not a "seasoned" predator, and not just BECAUSE of the texts, but the real shocker is that both had "winking" smilie faces.

    THAT is not only insulting and abomination to his position as pastor, but also to a church that has had no discernment or accountability for this runaway freight train of a "pastor". What is most profound is that this pastor has been blatantly abominable to the living God. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. This couple does not "owe" anything to that church or pastor. They just need to "flee".

    This comes to mind:

     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  14. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,992
    Messianic
    Private
    If the Pastor is concerned about a problem with the husband then he should have a woman counsel her. He especially should have a woman counsel her if the problem is about her marriage. There are wolves in sheep's clothing out there. Messiah told us there would be.
     
  15. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,992
    Messianic
    Private
    And P.S. if the Pastor is interested in marital counseling, don't marital counseling sessions involve both spouses being there? Why wouldn't a counselor want to involve the man and the woman in order to get things out into the open and help them come to a joint understanding of, and resolution of, their problems?
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  16. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

    +104,617
    Non-Denom
    Private
    US-Constitution
    Absolutely not.

    Any which way you cut it, this "pastor" is either:

    -highly and dangerous incompetent.
    -a "seasoned" predator.

    The bottom line is that he should not be a pastor.

    He is screaming the symptoms of a "wolf in sheep's clothing".
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  17. timewerx

    timewerx the village i--o--t--

    +4,432
    Christian Seeker
    Single
    Very good point.

    The pastor is very close to the family is one reason. There's still a probability, it's all innocent.

    Just make sure to meet in public, tape the conversation.
     
  18. mina

    mina Brown Eyed girl

    +3,475
    Christian
    Married
    She should text back, "No thanks; I'm not available to meet with you.". Then with you present , she should ask him in person, "hey I got some strange texts from you; just wanted to make sure someone didn't steal your phone or is causing mischief." Then the conversation should ensue from that point. Depending on what he says; then you can make the choice to leave the church or not.
     
    • Useful Useful x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  19. Sanoy

    Sanoy Well-Known Member

    +1,172
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I'm the kind of doofus that might do this because I don't understand emojis and I suck at inter communication. I just worry that he could be a doofus like me. But in any case it will take someone who knows this kind of communication well to judge and that is certainly not me.
     
  20. brinny

    brinny everlovin' shiner of light in dark places Supporter

    +104,617
    Non-Denom
    Private
    US-Constitution
    Thank God this husband, Nico, does have spiritual discernment, along with his wife. We, as God's own, are called to be discerning and wise, as it is written, we are to be as gentle as doves, and wise as serpents.

    It is written that we are to be spiritually discerning and therefore to "expose" those works of darkness.

    As it is stated in the video, we are to come out from the evils, especially in churches, and runnnnnnn. And not to just "runnnnn", but to "run for our lives".

    How do you think these churches and downright cults at times, get all in the news after a history of evil and corruption, while the church members, after even knowing this, just stayed "silent" and sometimes were dragged right into it.

    We are called to be "light" and "salt" and to shine that light smack into the middle of the darkest of places, and certainly not to give "refuge" and "cover" for Satan or his agents.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Loading...