Pastor Asking My Wife to Meet?

[AlexDTX]

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

1. You need to tell him, man to man, that you don't want him texting your wife without informing you first.
2. It is inappropriate and un-professional. Even in my former secular industry of gymnastics, we made sure the husband was informed of the wife enrolling their daughter. Knowing Dad was on board is just good business. If Dad is happy, the bills will continue to be paid.

 

[Strong in Him]

I'm graciously asking for advice on a struggle that I can't seem to shake.

The background...

My wife and I serve as volunteer ministry leaders in a church of about 200. We've been at the church for about 5 yrs. Our pastor started this church about 10 years ago. The pastor and I are fairly close, talking/texting a few times a week.

About a month ago at a small group (with our pastor present) my wife shared that she was struggling with some career ambiguity/satisfaction, the idea of getting older, and some hopes and dreams not coming to fruition. She communicated in such a way that it didn't come across as emotionally-charged, excessively heavy or emergent. More like, "This is what's on my heart right now."

Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. "

That would ring alarm bells for me too and, as a woman, were I to receive something like that I think I'd be offended. I certainly wouldn't respond to such a flirty message and go 1:1 with him.
In my experience, if a minister is concerned over something that someone shares in a meeting, they have a quiet word afterwards and may follow up with a visit or phone call.

I'm glad your wife shared that text with you. It's odd that it didn't seem to occur to the Pastor that she would - especially if he has known you for a while and is close to both of you. Maybe both of you together need to tell the Pastor that the issue is resolved but thank him for his concern. At least that way the Pastor will know that you know about the text. You could confront him and ask why he is sending your wife inappropriate texts; it depends on how brave you're feeling and if you would feel able to work amicably with him afterwards.

 

[Strong in Him]

The fact is that we just do not have enough information with which to know what is actually going on. And also, any decision about how to proceed brings perils with it.

We've been told that the Pastor has texted another man's wife twice, with a "winking" emoji, asking for a private meeting, and not mentioned this at all to her husband, whom he knows well.
That's enough to raise alarm bells, in my opinion.

 

[com7fy8]

Since, according to your own testimony, the two of you (you and the pastor) have had an amicable and what you describe as a somewhat friendly relationship, I think that you'd owe him at least the opportunity to make clear his intentions in this.

This can apply.

Even so > a predatory person can act the nice guy with a husband while fishing behind his back.

It appears the couple does not know the pastor well enough to be sure of what is going on.

You might even talk to your friend and say something like, hey, my wife mentioned to me about her conversations with you and that she got a couple of requests to meet with you. She asked me to ask you if it would be ok if she brought me along for moral support? We'll pay for lunch.

I think this could work well enough.

I might first ask him what he thinks about a pastor's messages to a spouse being shared with the other spouse. And if he says, of course they would do that, or of course I would be ok with that . . . then the door is open. And you can say, what about this winking and asking to talk alone?

We share everything; so why would you want her alone with you? Why not have us to resource all three of us, and also make it four . . . with your wife?

Then . . . if he gets evasive . . . doesn't want his wife in on it . . . doesn't want her to know . . . that could mean something.

But I think a legitimate pastor would say, oh that is such a better idea; let's all four get together, since we are family. And each can minister, how God blesses.

 

[A Realist]

Further, the pastor knows me well. We speak multiple times a week.

Well then, since you speak multiple times a week, the next face-to-face conversation you should have with him is "why are you texting my wife asking for a one-on-one? Are you stupid or just an idiot?"

As a "pastor", he should know better. If he doesn't then he's not very smart or wise.

I'd leave this church and never look back.

 

[Sanoy]

Again, this verse comes to mind:

"Abstain from all appearances of evil" ~I Thess 5:22

This is even more crucial for a pastor.

Certainly, but who among us is perfect?

 

[brinny]

brinny said: ↑
Again, this verse comes to mind:

"Abstain from all appearances of evil" ~I Thess 5:22

This is even more crucial for a pastor.

Certainly, but who among us is perfect?

What has your post got to do with my post or the verse i posted?

 

[com7fy8]

"Abstain from all appearances of evil" ~I Thess 5:22

1 Thessalonians 5:22 - Bible Gateway

1 Thessalonians 5:22 . . . | Christian Forums

 

[Albion]

We've been told that the Pastor has texted another man's wife twice, with a "winking" emoji, asking for a private meeting, and not mentioned this at all to her husband, whom he knows well.
That's enough to raise alarm bells, in my opinion.

Well, I think we all have recognized that.

Unfortunately, it's not enough to solve our friend's dilemma about how to respond.

 

[Albion]

Again, this verse comes to mind:

"Abstain from all appearances of evil" ~I Thess 5:22

This is even more crucial for a pastor.

Possibly so, but it doesn't tell us either what the pastor intended or what our friend and his wife should do next.

 

[LoricaLady]

Certainly, but who among us is perfect?

You are moving the goal post. It's not about whether or not anyone is perfect. We could say about Hitler, or Judas "But who among us is perfect?" What would that mean in terms of obedience to the Word? Nothing.

The post is about whether or not the OP and his wife can trust the Pastor, not about whether or not he is perfect.

 

[LoricaLady]

Possibly so, but it doesn't tell us either what the pastor intended or what our friend and his wife should do next.

It does point to how the decision can be made. If the man is giving the appearance of evil, he is not being true to the Bible which he is supposed to be upholding. So many people on here - though some are reserved in their opinions - absolutely feel the Pastor has given the appearance of evil. In fact some think it's not just an appearance of evil, but the actions of a sexual predator. The OP and his wife must decide what they want to do about a Pastor who is giving the appearance of evil, in order to be wise in terms of the Word.

 

[spiritualchristian7]

Well, whatever happens, keep us updated. We'd like to know the outcome, for sure.

We'll be sending you our prayers.
Trust in the Lord that the outcome will be good.

 

[Albion]

It does point to how the decision can be made. If the man is giving the appearance of evil, he is not being true to the Bible which he is supposed to be upholding. So many people on here - though some are reserved in their opinions - absolutely feel the Pastor has given the appearance of evil. In fact some think it's not just an appearance of evil, but the actions of a sexual predator. The OP and his wife must decide what they want to do about a Pastor who is giving the appearance of evil, in order to be wise in terms of the Word.

You yourself said that the scanty evidence could also point to "doofiness."

 

[brinny]

brinny said: ↑
Again, this verse comes to mind:

"Abstain from all appearances of evil" ~I Thess 5:22

This is even more crucial for a pastor.

Possibly so, but it doesn't tell us either what the pastor intended or what our friend and his wife should do next.

See post #63.

 

[RaymondG]

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

Yes you are thinking too much about this. There is nothing wrong with the pastor Texting your wife...period!
No need to get emotional about it. No need to get negative thoughts circling your head for days and weeks. No need to think about anything other than whether or not you are ok with it. His motives should not be judged....fantasies about what would happen if things progress should not be had etc...

I would have thought about this for 2 seconds asked my wife if she wanted this meeting.....if she said no, He would have been told "No Thanks" and my mind would have been free to dwell on thoughts of God for the rest of the week, and not some imagery affairs or inappropriate thoughts.

Reading groups of letters on a phone screen should not have this kind of spiritual/emotional affect on us. We are told to Guard our hearts and minds.. We should be like trees planted by rivers of water....Houses built on solid foundations......unmovable.

Yet we can look at words on a screen a be emotionally distraught for days? Something is wrong.....and it is not the pastor and his texting habits.

If you wish for your wife to not be texted, say so, find better things to think about, and put on the whole armor of God so that "ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil." It is your eyes that offend you, not your pastor.

 

[A Realist]

Unfortunately, it's not enough to solve our friend's dilemma about how to respond.

I gotta be honest....I know exactly how I'd respond to this, and I wouldn't need to go on a forum and ask a bunch of folks - that I didn't know - how I should respond.

As far as I'm concerned, any man who wouldn't directly confront the pastor about these types of actions with his wife has no backbone.

 

[Yekcidmij]

Last week, my wife received a text message from our pastor which read, "Hey, let's get together, just the two of us, I want to know whats on your heart. "

Dude, if that's the text message, that's a red flag, I don't care who the man is. That's more like a parade of red flags with a flyover of red colored vapor trails.

1. Am I being oversensitive, overly-conservative, jealous, or obstructive?

2. How should pastors (and other ministers) appropriately minister to opposite genders in the church or ensure that their spiritual development needs are being met?

There is no penalty for exercising prudence, caution, and/or avoidance. You aren't required to go along with everything someone says or everything someone wants to do, and you aren't required to do so just because said person happens to be a pastor.

Human nature is what it is.

Wish you the best on this. Tough spot to find yourself in I'm sure.

 

[RaymondG]

As far as I'm concerned, any man who wouldn't directly confront the pastor about these types of actions with his wife has no backbone.

Or they are filled with the spirit of God and are unaffected by things like this. Secure men do not fear losing there wives........

There is no reason to react all. The wife should have taken care of this on her own and just let the husband know how she took care of it.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

It's possible the pastor thinks your wife's "problem" is about you (is why he wants to discuss with your wife 1:1). This is why pastor isn't texting you about it.

Although it's a very awkard situation, it's also possible the pastor is only genuinely concerned and have no ill intentions.

Obviously, that isn't the case, otherwise, your wife would not have shown you pastor's text messages.

Here's what you can do:

Allow wife to go into 1:1 discussion with pastor. But make sure your wife decides the location to meet. Preferrably a public place but quiet enough like a coffee house.

If my hunch is correct, your wife will help clear things up about you and resolve this awkward situation once and for all and you can all laugh it off afterwards.

I think your hunch is a bit naive. This pastor is crossing boundaries that raise many red flags. The husband should bring another brother in church and his wife's phone with the two texts on it and confront him on his intentions. This is direct rather than sending her in there which could be very awkward especially if his intentions are not honorable. your plan has holes in it and the man should get out in front of this and say something.