Obedience?

[JulesM]

Sorry if this post ends up being a bit long - but I really need some advice and prayer support.

In January, a guy I knew at church and I started talking and by March we were exchanging emails, etc. He got married and two and a half years ago him and his wife split up. She left him and walked away from her faith. The divorce is underway now - but is not yet through.

I realised I fancied him, but God reminded me he was still married so I chose to do nothing about it. Although in hindsight I guess I probably did flirt with him. We started spending more time together and it was obvious he liked me too - so I fasted him for a week (without telling him) - no contact of any kind. All along I've given it over and over to God because I've been so afraid of stepping out and going against God.

Anyway, on Sunday night at church our feelings kinda spilled out - so we talked and agreed that until his divorce came through we can't do anything because it wouldn't be right. We said we'd stay friends.

Last night I went to see a lady in my church who's a mature christian. She knows both of us well so I wanted to just tell her what had happened. She got angry with me and said that I'd rebelled against God by flirting and telling my feelings to a married man. She said that I wanted to have my cake and eat it. She said I should repent of what I've done, tell the man I was sorry for 'abusing' him, and then walk away from him completely - including not hanging out with our mutual group of friends.

I spoke to him afterwards and he eventually said that he has to respect his marriage vows - whether he wants to or not, and therefore we cannot see each other or be friends until his divorce comes through (which will be about 3 month from now).

I can see that even before we confessed our feelings - in our hearts and attachment was growing that isn't appropriate between a married man and another woman. And I feel bad that I was 50% responsible in helping a man break his vows (whether he's with his wife or not, in Gods eyes marriage is marriage).

But I'm struggling. It feels so extreme to not see each other at all. To not speak. I'm going to see him at church and other places and its just going to be really really hard - as we were good friends. I'm going to miss him.

I feel like I really gave this to God, and I thought I was hearing from him - but now I realise I wasn't hearing from him and I don't trust myself and my relationship with God any more - how do I know anything I'm doing is Godly, I've obviously not got any wisdom at all.
I want to find out from this guy where the boundaries are - like can I still say Hi or do we have to ignore each other, etc etc, but I feel like I shouldn't contact him.

I know God blesses when we're obidient, and I wouldn;t want to be with a guy that God didn't intend for me, so if him and I were never meant to be then this is the right thing - and even if we are meant to be it'll be in Gods timing. I know all this and I struggle.

Anyone got any advice? Please pray for me, I feel so sad today.

 

[Caelum]

You're letting guilt take ahold of you entirely too much in my opinion. What is a divorce? One dictionary says "to dissolve the marriage bond between [two people]." At what process are they in the divorce? Considering you said exactly 3 months, it sounds like its just the legal aspect. If only the legal aspect remains as far as im concerned they are already divorced. If they have seperated(not living together included) and maintain only a "professional" means of communication, a piece of paper symbolizes nothing except to the government. So therefore you really weren't doing anything entirely sinful.

My advice would be: Don't feel guilty, what's been done has been done, and in all reality, it wasn't truly bad. I wouldn't "cut him off" for the duration of the 3 months, unless that's his wishes and/or yours. Maybe a minimal ammount of contact would be fine? But I would definitely distance yourself between him and you for much longer than 3 months, maybe 6 or 12....he is definitely on the rebound and vulnerable, and I imagine you understand how one or both of you could get really hurt as an outcome of rushing....he probably needs some serious alone time(without the influence of any woman) to conclude feelings he has inside...but you and he will be fine, just put your trust where it belongs (in God of course!)

Nate

 

[bliz]

I do not agree with Nate. A divorce is far more than a piece of paper required by the government!

If you really mean business, do not see this guy again, do not hang out with your mutual group of friends and stop going to your church for the time being. Do not meet with him to tell him what you are doing and that you are sorry you abused him. A letter or an e-mail will do the trick and be far less tempting and then no more e-mails. Be honest with yourself, when you think about going to church, what is ityou are thinking about? I'll bet it's more about him than about God.

I think the lady at your church was wise and right. Friends who will tell you the truth are rare! Cherish her!

I think you know well enough what is right or wrong and what God would have you do. I think you chose to listen to your emotions and hormones and your reasoning and ignore what you already know that God has said. You have no business whatsoever pouring out your emotions to a married man. (I'm just talking about you - he has not posted a question, but he was also wrong.) You have no business forming an attachment to this guy.Because clearly he is a temptation for you, you have been most unwise in contuining to hang around in the same group where you are sure to encounter him. You should be avoiding evil, but you are dangling your toes in it.

 

[rogsr]

These are always diffucult situations to negotiate. Maybe God's will was when you were both honest with each other and chose not to pursue anything but a friendship until after the divorce is finalized; and man's will was when that lady told you to repent. Then again it may be the other way around.

I would say it would be unlawful to pursure an intimate relationship but not wrong to pursue a friendship. However, like Nate, not unless either you or the man have decided other wise. If you avoid all contact with another Christian you are alienating yourself from a spiritual sibling and I don't think that is good either.

 

[Rage4Christ]

julesM

First off, if you think there is a "formula to be saved" that you just be obedient and then all your moral and ethical choices are going to be solved for you... think again.

Being Christian is not about being obedient.
It is about being active, thinking, reflecting, feeling, loving person.

First, try to show a bit more love for yourself. It is too easy to judge yourself and start hating yourself. Christ wants you to respect and love everyone-- that includes you.

Second, the advice from your "mature" Christian friend is hurtful towards women.

Third, you need to sit down and figure what your boundaries are, what you are willing to tolerate, what you feel is right, what you feel is spiritually correct. If this means praying, if this means reading the Bible, whatever it is. You need to do the work, and you have to make a meaningful choice.

Your life is meant to be lived, not directed by to obedience.

Lastly-- I think this guy is bad news. He got into an immature relationship, did he make babies with this woman? and then let it fall apart. To tell us now that he's learned how to be in a healthy spiritually respectful marriage/relationship.. I don't buy it.

From your summary he blames his soon to be ex for everything. Losing faith, walking away. Until he can take some accountability here-- he's just going to repeat the process.

 

[starry emzy]

hey hun,

i really recomend that you read Matthew 5:27-32
Dont be afraid and don't doubt God, you should seek after him more, spend time with God pray read the word he's there for you in your times of need! He loves you.

em

 

[JulesM]

Lastly-- I think this guy is bad news. He got into an immature relationship, did he make babies with this woman? and then let it fall apart. To tell us now that he's learned how to be in a healthy spiritually respectful marriage/relationship.. I don't buy it.

From your summary he blames his soon to be ex for everything. Losing faith, walking away. Until he can take some accountability here-- he's just going to repeat the process.

I think my summary was a little too vague. The truth of his marriage was that he loved this woman and believed he'd heard from God to marry her, but actually probably just went his own way. She didn't ever truely love him and pretty much as soon as they got married she stopped being with God and stopped with with her husband. I think they both assume responsibility.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. It seems lots of people have lots of different opinions. I guess its only God that can bring light to the situation.

 

[Caelum]

I do not agree with Nate. A divorce is far more than a piece of paper required by the government!

I didn't say that Re-read what I posted