Need help

[Nottoosure]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

 

[Monk Brendan]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Why do you not trust him and go snooping on his electronic devices?

 

[EzekielsWheels]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Have you suggested seeing a marriage counselor? Are you attending a church at the moment where you could speak with the Pastor? I agree you should not be checking his phone but it seems there are some issues here if he's not wearing his ring and doesn't appear to want you to know what he's doing on social media. You should not be trying to access his personal accounts though in my opinion. Are you praying for him? Are you praying for his family? You should be doing these things if you're not.

 

[Thnkful]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

 

[Thnkful]

What does it mean when its fine again?

 

[Nottoosure]

I don’t snoop. My point in posting was wondering if this is normal in other relationships? Is it normal for spouses to be locked out of the other’s phones? We used to have a relationship where we could freely pick up the other’s phone without the intent of snooping.

 

[ripple the car]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Christ asks you to stay. Pray for your husband. Stop getting ahold of his phone; let go a little bit. Give him space. Pray for him, be there for him, give God time to work on both of you, and take time out to build up your own spiritual strength through prayer. Would he consider seeing a Christian therapist / Pastor, alone or together?

 

[URA]

Ride it out.

I'm in no position to be able to give solid advice, and you'd need to write a book before I could say anything with much confidence, so what I'll suggest is to let his more extreme mood calm down & go from there. It's going to suck, for awhile, but with some help from above it'll work out alright. Be civil about it, avoid yelling where feasible, pray before & after, and see if you have a crucifix, or rosary, or a religious medallion of some kind, just something to leave in your pocket so you can keep holding it while your talking as a way of staying in prayer, remembering that there's someone up there who wants to help both of you out.

 

[Jon Osterman]

Of course it is normal. Most people have locks on their phones. I certainly do, and while I think my wife probably knows my pin (or can guess it) I didn't tell her and I certainly don't know hers. It is a bit weird that you can't follow him on social media though.

 

[ripple the car]

I don’t snoop. My point in posting was wondering if this is normal in other relationships? Is it normal for spouses to be locked out of the other’s phones? We used to have a relationship where we could freely pick up the other’s phone without the intent of snooping.

He seems to be going through something of a crisis. Give him space. It's a bit odd, but then, it is his phone. Maybe he's just become more private. It happens. Seeing his older parents go through a divorce must have been horrible. Give it time. Men often have a hard time expressing feelings like anger, grief, or sorrow openly. Pray for him, take care of yourself, give it time. This is nothing to leave your husband over.

 

[Thnkful]

I concerned that exploring the difficulties that you are facing by the means of well meaning advice (even in this forum) is only going to cause you more hurt and confusion. I am sorry for your difficulties as well as the sadness and frustration that you have been suffering.

 

[Nottoosure]

Yes I’m at a loss.

This has been going on for 5 years. How much time do I give it? I’ve done nothing but pray for him but am ending up exhausted at the thought these days.

I’m completely aware everyone hs locks on their phone, my work requires one but he’s aware of my code. But he’s also very weird about his phone and gets extremely aggravated when I ask him who he’s texting all the time. I just don’t know if I have lost all trust and need to cut out losses since we don’t have any children.

 

[Nottoosure]

Also, his parents divorce was incredibly traumatic and it happened 5 years ago. He has been estranged from his mom ever since. I’ve considered all of these things and have given it time. He is not interested in seeing a therapist with me or by himself.

 

[ripple the car]

Yes I’m at a loss.

This has been going on for 5 years. How much time do I give it? I’ve done nothing but pray for him but am ending up exhausted at the thought these days.

I’m completely aware everyone hs locks on their phone, my work requires one but he’s aware of my code. But he’s also very weird about his phone and gets extremely aggravated when I ask him who he’s texting all the time. I just don’t know if I have lost all trust and need to cut out losses since we don’t have any children.

Please give him space. It's kind of none of your business who he's texting all the time. That might sound harsh, but it's true. God hates divorce. "Cut your losses"? Hang on. I am in a marriage which can be difficult. God does not give up on us, let's not give up on each other. You are in a Christian marriage, whether or not you think he is acting like one.

God's timing can feel incredibly, horribly slow. Don't jump ship. Pray, hang in there. Take care of your own soul. Please don't look for excuses to leave this guy. Men can and often do have a tough time expressing, articulating, or identifying grief. Because of this, healing emotionally from something as difficult as a divorce in the family can take longer than it could take a female. You guys are in this together. It can feel lonely in a marriage like this, but God is with you, Christ is with you.

Reach out to friends, a Pastor, and family. Stand by your man. That's a deeply unpopular choice for women these days, but unless he's beating you, molesting the children (which you guys don't have yet), or trying to force you to convert to Islam against your will, stay. He needs you right now. He needs an understanding, patient, loving woman with him more than he realizes. Being that understanding, patient, loving woman is going to be tough. Take care of your own soul. Find solace and strength and a refuge in prayer. This may take longer than you were hoping, but nothing is impossible with God.

 

[Thnkful]

In my own situation, I had to accept that my husband had no interest in preserving our marriage, except perhaps for not wanting to have to admit it along with all the follow up ramifications. It was sad because I wanted to be obedient to the Lord and to our vows. I am sure that your heart has been breaking and your situation might not be at all like mine was. Still, it would be appropriate to do more than suffer and essentially try to live with no relationship. The truth is how Jesus sets us free, whatever that truth maybe, Free to build on the foundation that remains or free to ask your husband if he is chafing from the bonds of a relationship he does not want.. IF I have some advice it is that this doesnt look like the safest place to figure out what is the best way forward.

 

[maintenance man]

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

There's no way any of us can answer the stay or go question. That's your call.

If you're husband were here what would he say about all this?

What is it you want from your husband that you're not getting?

Is your husband getting everything he wants from your marriage?

Did you both promise God you would be together for life?

 

[Mario David]

My wife and I have each others phone password. I have never snooped on her phone, I trust her and when shes texting and I ask who is she texting she tells me. She has gone behind my back and checked my phone and found nothing and has done this several times that I know off which I tell her it just ruins the trust. We both wear our wedding rings, We have each other on social medias as well.

I do believe trust is the foundation for every relationship but also be happy on the relationship and make sure your partner is happy. People yell all the time but rarely sit down and actually talk like "Hey you know maybe this is bothering me, can we do anything about it?"

Help him get closer to god, maybe he needs god love now more than ever

 

[Messerve]

Also, his parents divorce was incredibly traumatic and it happened 5 years ago. He has been estranged from his mom ever since. I’ve considered all of these things and have given it time. He is not interested in seeing a therapist with me or by himself.

I understand the frustration on some level, but I do think that leaving him would be a terrible idea. After all, a marriage isn't just all about you or your husband. Christ should be the center of it. If you leave because of your own feelings, aren't you making it all about you then? Unless he was actually being abusive or engaging in an affair, I really don't think you have a Biblical reason at this point to leave him. And if you really love him, wouldn't you stay "for better or for worse"?

It really sounds like there is a deep wound regarding marriage, and maybe a part of him feels like your relationship is bound to be temporary just like his parents' was. I'm sure they made the vows and everything and it still didn't keep them from separating. So he probably has distanced himself from the idea that your marriage will be for a lifetime, because if it turns out to be not true, he feels like he won't be able to handle it. So on some level he's acting as if you're already separated to protect himself from that possibility. Leaving him would only confirm those lies Satan is putting in his head! So please hang in there.

My dad has parents (my grandparents) who have hurt him over and over again since his childhood (fifty years). Just when their relationship seems to be getting better, one of them will intentionally bring up something from the past that they know will hurt him. They treat him like he's still a child, and sometimes even ignore him when he visits their home. But my dad persists and tries to keep forgiving them...!

Why does he even bother?! Why doesn't he just cut off communication with them and write them off as a hopeless cause? For two reasons. One: They're his parents and he still loves them and knows that it's his responsibility to honor them. Two: He knows how patient God has been with his own failings and he recognizes in himself the lack of growth in some areas which can also be hurtful.

So aside from my layman diagnosis, here's is what I would suggest. Find a godly Christian friend who does counseling or therapy that your husband doesn't really know (or doesn't know their occupation at least). Work this person into your life in a way that they end up spending some time with your husband. Maybe a man from your church that you invite over for lunch or dinner. If they could just spend some time alone whit your husband and subtly probe his heart to find out what may be going on, he may be willing to open up to someone who isn't connected at all to the situation or the past.

And, of course, if you aren't, pray for your husband by yourself and ask God to break through this wall that seems to exist.

 

[Nottoosure]

What does it mean when its fine again?

By fine I mean I’ve gotten over it and it’s only a matter of time before I get hurt enough to say something the next time in which he won’t respond and the cycle repeats itself.

 

[Thnkful]

Dear Nottoosure, Have some of these responses encouraged you? Have you felt understood or supported? Has there been any acknowledgement that you may be suffering from these years of rejection and loneliness? How many of the responses to you have triggered self blame or shame or increased your sense of hopelessness? It takes two willing persons to make a union. Why are there so many excuses being offered for your husband's behavior when his anger and self involvement and sullen attitude have been trampling over all the years of your young marriage? Am I out of line in wondering this?