Need help

[YochananNorth]

Hello.

I won't say I'm qualified to give advice at this point, although my own situation is very different. But...

Have you heard of the push-pull effect? It's human psychology to want someone more when they pull away. You can employ this by giving him some space. You want to be kind to him when he interacts with you, but stay away from being the initiator for a while. Be sure to keep yourself attractive to him (both physically and psychologically). Give him the "feel of the chase".

And as you withdraw, if over time you don't have him chasing you, it could indicate something wrong. But you shouldn't leave without just cause, like adultery.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

This is obviously a big problem as it sure gives the impression that there is no unity of commitment to you and makes one suspect he might be not so faithful. Even if he is innocent he is putting you in a bad place. Maybe you invite the pastor over for dinner / counseling session or you do what Lucy would do to Ricky and try to make him taste a bit of his own medicine. You can schedule dinner and a movie with a girl friend and not tell him where you are or when you will get back and ignore his calls when he comes looking for you. Come home around 11 and when he asks where you were and all tell him its not his business. He might not like it. If he is a skunk you do need to find out. Avoiding getting to the bottom of this is no good.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Truth is important. I would hire a private detective to find out if he is cheating on you. If he is not cheating on you, then you will know that you can at least try and fix the marriage with the help of God by prayer, fasting, loving him, and by obeying more of the Lord's commands (in the New Testament). Focus on loving God and putting Him first and in loving everyone (Including your enemies). Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things (your basic needs) will be provided for. Have faith. Trust in God. He has a plan for your life. God desires us to be filled with the fruits of the Spirit.

May God's love and mercy shine upon you and your husband.
I will be praying for your situation.

Side Note:

If he is cheating on you, do not end it bitterly. Please continue to love him even if you decide to not be married to him anymore. Love him by praying for him and speaking in a loving way towards him and by doing good towards him in all things.

 

[Second Coming]

Would you stay or go?

I would stay. None of the reasons you’ve given are cause for a biblical divorce.

 

[Dominion247]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Matt 19: 4-6. With this thought on your mind, you would see clearly that the purpose of marriage is for the two of you to be together and enjoy the blessings of God. Children are God's blessings for marriage. Hold on to God, Hold on to His words and you will see it come to pass in your life. Don't let go of your husband, Seek for marriage counselling from and never stop believing that with God all things are possible God bless you.

 

[Fire...]

Dear Nottoosure, I think he is offended and upset about something. If the situation continues after one week, you need to embark of prayer and fasting if you love him.
If his angry that the children have not come yet, that no big deal any more. Me and my wife waited for 10 year before our first child came.
1. If you want him back, forgive every wrong he had done to you...
2. Show him love like never before, whether he appreciates it or not...
3. Begin prayer for him, asking God to touch his heart...
4. Command every influence controlling him to go in Jesus name
5. Pray for his restoration.
The enemy want to shift your marriage and if possible break it. If you need prayer point, let me know.

Shalom!

 

[rejoiceinfaith]

I am sorry you are going through this. I can imagine it is very stressful and that you feel hurt and alone. Something is going on with him. I think the next step is finding that out. So instead of looking at as to stay or go, I would suggest trying to talk with him or, as others have suggested, trying counseling with your pastor. Perhaps if you approach him gently by saying you love him and are concerned that the two of you are growing apart, he will be less defensive.

I would also pray for him and for your marriage.

 

[gideon123]

OP ... no offense personally with this comment.

To Everyone - I WILL say again. Never post your personal details here ... or any other Forum on the Internet. Your relationship, especially your marriage, is precious in the eyes of God! DO NOT post publicly.

Go and see a Christian marriage counselor. Always!!!!!!!

OP ... there are 'red lights' blinking all over your marriage. Insist on seeing a counselor ... ASAP. I hope things work out.

Blessings!!

 

[Jon Osterman]

Truth is important. I would hire a private detective to find out if he is cheating on you.

Really? If my wife hired a private investigator to snoop on me, I would regard that as such a violation of trust that I would leave her. So why bother? Hiring a private investigator will lead to them splitting up if she finds out he has been cheating, and lead to them splitting up if she does not. So it would be better and cheaper just to leave now.

 

[JacksBratt]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Biblically, you are his flesh. He should treat you as if you are part of him..

He should not password protect anything from you. His phone should be fully open to you and yours to him.
I don't wear my wedding band either.. but this is due to all the physical work that I do and it is a safety hazard.

Something has changed in his mind. It is not you.. He needs to see a councilor...You both do.

This is not normal behavior. I would not leave him until you have given him a chance to get back on track as a biblical husband. He is not well.

In the days where "you are fine"...if you bring it up then... does he pout and shut down?

 

[Nottoosure]

OP ... no offense personally with this comment.

To Everyone - I WILL say again. Never post your personal details here ... or any other Forum on the Internet. Your relationship, especially your marriage, is precious in the eyes of God! DO NOT post publicly.

Go and see a Christian marriage counselor. Always!!!!!!!

OP ... there are 'red lights' blinking all over your marriage. Insist on seeing a counselor ... ASAP. I hope things work out.

Blessings!!

Thank you for the advice but I don’t see any harm in posting the limited details that I have shared while staying completely anonymous. More than anything I was curious to see how others would view the circumstances I’ve shared and if my feelings are warranted. I used the feedback I received so far as confirmation to reach out to a counselor.

 

[Nottoosure]

Biblically, you are his flesh. He should treat you as if you are part of him..

He should not password protect anything from you. His phone should be fully open to you and yours to him.
I don't wear my wedding band either.. but this is due to all the physical work that I do and it is a safety hazard.

Something has changed in his mind. It is not you.. He needs to see a councilor...You both do.

This is not normal behavior. I would not leave him until you have given him a chance to get back on track as a biblical husband. He is not well.

In the days where "you are fine"...if you bring it up then... does he pout and shut down?

Absolutely he does. He shuts down at the slightest argument. If I press him for answers he gets more aggravated so more often than not I just tell him my concerns he sits there and does not react. I go and convince myself I was over reacting and apologize and move on and his behavior continues.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

@Nottoosure

I believe truth is an important thing to build a relationship upon. Your husband is your other half. Jesus says a husband and wife are one flesh. There should be no ongoing secrets or skeletons in our closet between the two of you. Jesus says seek, and you will find. I would want to know the truth. For seeking out the truth of God, can lead a person to the Lord. Seeking out the truth about what your husband is doing is not wrong. I would of course pray for God if hiring a private investigator is something the Lord wants you to do, but I know that it is not wrong for a person to see if they are telling the truth. This has been going on for 7 years and not 7 days. You have a right to know why he is shutting you out and you need to know if he is being faithful or not. Putting off his ring (when he used to wear it before), and locking you out of his phone are not good signs. So I would seek the truth, however you may find it.

You can even put a small hidden audio recording device or hidden (or disguised) camera in your home (to record what he is doing in your home when you are not home).

This is not a violation of trust because he is not giving you any reason to trust him because he is hiding things from you and he is doing things that show he is not happy like he was when you were first married.

I would want to know.

Seek the truth.

But if you find out anything bad, please keep reminding yourself to have the fruits of the Spirit and to love him and pray for him.

I hope this helps;
And may God bless you.

 

[Nottoosure]

@Nottoosure

I believe truth is an important thing to build a relationship upon. Your husband is your other half. Jesus says a husband and wife are one flesh. There should be no ongoing secrets or skeletons in our closet between the two of you. Jesus says seek, and you will find. I would want to know the truth. For seeking out the truth of God, can lead a person to the Lord. Seeking out the truth about what your husband is doing is not wrong. I would of course pray for God if hiring a private investigator is something he wants you to do, but I know that it is not wrong for a person to see if they are telling the truth. This has been going on for 7 years and not 7 days. You have a right to know why he is shutting you out and you need to know if he is being faithful or not. Putting off his ring (when he used to wear it before), and locking you out of his phone are not good signs. So I would seek the truth, however you may find it.

You can even put a small hidden recording device or camera in your home (to record what he is doing in your home when you are not home).

This is not a violation of trust because he is not giving you any reason to trust him because he is hiding things from you and he is doing things that show he is not happy like he was when you were first married.

I would want to know.

Seek the truth.

But if you find out anything bad, please keep reminding yourself to have the fruits of the Spirit and to love him and pray for him.

I hope this helps;
And may God bless you.

Thank you for the feedback but I will not be pursuing either of these ideas. These will cause more damage to the relationship

 

[JacksBratt]

Absolutely he does. He shuts down at the slightest argument. If I press him for answers he gets more aggravated so more often than not I just tell him my concerns he sits there and does not react. I go and convince myself I was over reacting and apologize and move on and his behavior continues.

I believe that your husband has a mental illness. I am no expert but this radical change in behavior needs to be investigated by a professional.

He is breaking his marriage vows to you.

If he will not get help.. then you should.. From a Christian, biblical council. They can advise on your next move..and ensure that it is biblical.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Thank you for the feedback but I will not be pursuing either of these ideas. These will cause more damage to the relationship

Then let GOD be your revealer of truth for you. Ask God to reveal the truth to you in what He is doing. Pray and fast every day on this. God will bring it to pass that you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. It will be on God's terms in revealing the truth to you and in His timing. But if you ask, and you follow the Lord, He will help reveal the truth to you.

 

[evita]

I can empathize with the insecurity that you're feeling. It does sound suspicious that he is withdrawing so much, but many of the other commentators here are right; men sometimes do just need their space. It sounds like you need him to be there for you more and his emotional withdrawal is upsetting. After all, he ought to be your biggest pillar of support here on Earth. Perhaps you should find a gentle way to ask for him to just be there for you more in the ways that you need and explain to him that it's not about pressure or distrust, and that you are still here for him, too.

 

[☦Marius☦]

Here is my personal opinion on the matter: there are two possibilities in my mind-

1. Your husband lost trust in women when his mother ruined her own marriage. Perhaps he no longer trusts women or has resentment towards them. Many men marry women that remind them of their mother unintentionally. Perhaps you remind him of her and he is therefore repulsed by you by no fault of your own. This would be difficult to overcome and I would consider someone other than just a pastor as in my personal experience Christian counciling can often times come down to "just pray and everything will be fine"- which is not always the case.

2. Your husband's removal of his ring and his hatred of your using of his devices may mean he is cheating. This may be a result of the long term estrangement between the two of you, or it could be the cause. Either way you shouldn't fear your husband and should demand that he be honest about what is going on.

I wish you the best OP, as my mother is in a similar situation and I have watched her in two terrible marriages. It's very hard to see. Much love

 

[☦Marius☦]

Absolutely he does. He shuts down at the slightest argument. If I press him for answers he gets more aggravated so more often than not I just tell him my concerns he sits there and does not react. I go and convince myself I was over reacting and apologize and move on and his behavior continues.

I wouldn't apologise to him. This could enable him more than anything and you are not the one at fault he is.

 

[paul becke]

I’ve actually not been encouraged at all. Give it time and pray is exactly what I’ve done. I am incredibly lonely and feel so rejected. I do internalize and self blame more often than not. As I approach 30 I’m wondering if I’m willling to spend More years of my life in a relationship that brings me more sadness than joy.

It is very easy to see why God created the marriage bond to be lasting, but I would not advise you to remain in that marriage, if as thnkful suggested it might be just, 'on paper'. To me that sounds to be the case, because I don't get the feeling from anything that you have written, that you are actually bosom friends, more a union of convenience.

This failure on his part to imagine that his wife might feel uneasy and fearful of being two-timed, when her husband is being so secretive, doesn't sound kind and loving at all to me. If he has nothing to hide from you why not humour you - just from his love for you ? Frankly, it makes me angry just reading it. But, as others have said, you have to make the decision, knowing the circumstances far more fully that we can. But he just doesn't sound like a best friend to me at all. Does he lift your spirits and give you the feeling of being loved, in his periods of affability ? You've done well so far, with a very trying husband, and I don't think God will judge you harshly - on that basis alone. And writing this, I'd forgotten about the ring.