Need help

[Nottoosure]

Dear Nottoosure, Have some of these responses encouraged you? Have you felt understood or supported? Has there been any acknowledgement that you may be suffering from these years of rejection and loneliness? How many of the responses to you have triggered self blame or shame or increased your sense of hopelessness? It takes two willing persons to make a union. Why are there so many excuses being offered for your husband's behavior when his anger and self involvement and sullen attitude have been trampling over all the years of your young marriage? Am I out of line in wondering this?

I’ve actually not been encouraged at all. Give it time and pray is exactly what I’ve done. I am incredibly lonely and feel so rejected. I do internalize and self blame more often than not. As I approach 30 I’m wondering if I’m willling to spend More years of my life in a relationship that brings me more sadness than joy.

 

[Thnkful]

It is earth shattering when a marriage fails and the two of you should take all the prayerful, honest, confessing heartfelt time that you need to determine the direction that your lives should take. I believe that when a marriage in reality is only a piece of paper that is also what God hates. That is because He loves us so much.

 

[Thnkful]

Bless you friend. I am sorry. Please make your personal safety a prime consideration .Facing the the reality of a failing relationship takes courage. Perhaps this can be approached with an open heart though I imagine that you are nearly shattered. There are some good sources of support and help that I hope are available to you. if you can keep from slamming doors shut too fast or too soon, that will leave room for the Lord to lead you carefully and lovingly through the days ahead. Please be safe.

 

[ripple the car]

Happiness is one thing. Hanging on when we don't want to, when we don't feel loved, when the guy is difficult (is that not the kind of love Christ has for us, and commands us to have for each other within a marriage?), is the part that will give us holiness. Maybe not happiness, but holiness. And if you wait, and let God work things out His way, and get your husband back, will that not be worth it? Will keep you guys in my prayers.

I hope you do the right thing, and stay. For Christ, and for a guy who may be grouchy and touchy, but who might just love you, need you, and not know how to convey it.

 

[Kenny'sID]

I don’t snoop. My point in posting was wondering if this is normal in other relationships? Is it normal for spouses to be locked out of the other’s phones? We used to have a relationship where we could freely pick up the other’s phone without the intent of snooping.

I don't think it's normal at all, but apparently the rude post you replied to is the norm for some.

No sincere post goes unpunished.

 

[Kenny'sID]

My wife and I have each others phone password. I have never snooped on her phone, I trust her and when shes texting and I ask who is she texting she tells me.

You mean the Gal standing beside you, throwing us all a kiss as you speak?

 

[Sam91]

Welcome to CF

Your marriage sounds really hard just now.

Do you think he could be depressed and that is why he is cutting you out? I hope there is a way to rebuild your marraige.

I don't remember if you mentioned anything about your church, can you get more support there?

 

[mnorian]

Mod hat on

this thread has been moved from
Introduce Yourself
to
Christian Advice
for a better fit and responses.
Carry on.​

 

[Loyce KG]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

STAY AND FIGHT ON YOUR KNEES. Ask God for patience, wisdom, love amidst all. Just as Christ loved us and continues to love us even when we continuously deny Him by our actions, so must you grow into being Christ-like.
Be determined in your mind not to give up on your husband. It is not the presence of children that seals a marriage (so that you couldn't walk away) but God Himself has joined both of you. Don't grow feeble. Fight to strengthen your resolve to stay (MIND), pray and love this man (HEART) and show it in your actions (BODY).

As christians, we were not promised good things only, We are to expect and embrace trials and tribulations but we don't fight back or quit as carnal men.

2 Cor 10:5-6 "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."
Are your thoughts and resolve in obedience to Christ or to men?

Hebrews 12:1 "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us."
We are to lay aside every weight and sin. The word weight is ogkos in greek which means 'whatever is prominent, protuberance, bulk, mass, hence), a burden, or encumbrance.'
The scripture is drawing our attention not to just any weight but that one that easily entangles us. It may be worry, anxiety, distrust etc. Whatever it is, Christ paid for it. Lay it at the altar and He will set you free.
Shalom

 

[mama2one]

do you think he is hiding something serious from you or does he just want some privacy?

 

[Undenied]

Look for someone wise, who knows you and him in real life, someone whose fruits you can see, someone who will see your and your husband's sides. We are only reading what you see, so there is little we can say.

I don't have social media, but i have been coming across some articles about how they can impact marriage. It really doesn't look good, that he doesn't want his wife following him. But only someone who knows both of you can see if this is weird or not. In general, it doesn't sound good at all.

(We need to be careful with this new wave of people wanting to diagnose others by following a list of behaviors and telling anecdotes. It doesn't even work for sore throats.)

Don't feel that you are a victim, as this makes others unwilling to hear us and perpetuates a very unproductive response of defense, by blindly attacking each other. You are always God's daughter, the King of the Universe. You are completely free to take decisions, you are also willing to choose what is right and fair, so study and pray about what is right, ask for insight, God will give you what you need. But don't look for the truth in a clingy or accusatory spirit. Quiet your mind, get strengthened, get the answers you need. (Edit: By this i mean: get real answers to why he is behaving so differently. Is he really going through a tough time, or is he cheating on you? It is your question and you are untitled to an answer.)

Divorce is not God's plan for His children, but as we are failing humans, as we hurt and make mistakes, adultery is a deal breaker, it is innocent to leave an adulterer and start anew. But if you want to separate from him for any other reason, please remember 1 Corinthians 7:11.

 

[Undenied]

(Not "untitled", but "entitled". I'm not allowed to edit again.)

 

[Chris V++]

Is it normal for spouses to be locked out of the other’s phones?

No that is not normal. Nor is it normal for him to remove his wedding ring. I would be wonder if he is talking on the phone or texting with someone and doesn't want you to see his contacts or conversations, or is it the web browser that he is trying to hide? . I'm sorry you have to go thru this with him.

 

[Johnny4ChristJesus]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

More important than what any of us say, you need to listen to what God says. In the end, He is the One that you and your husband both have to give an accounting to. It certainly doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I am very sorry to hear you have had to endure this and it is even more regrettable that it has gone on so long. But, you have to hear in your heart what to do.

I had to go through some stuff in an unhealthy relationship and God told me not to leave. It didn't change the outcome of the relationship, but eventually she got tired of living duplicate lives and pulled the plug on our marriage. So God kept me within the confines of His Scriptural direction.

Have you spoken to a Christian counselor or your local pastor about this?

 

[Richard T]

Sorry you have to go through this difficult situation. I would seek pastoral counseling or couples counseling if he is willing to go. I have met others in your position. The Christian response is to submit and never have divorce unless he is cheating. That is certainly ideal and having the staying power would be great. Judging by the divorce rate among Christians, many do not live up to that standard. Also, if you are miserable, you risk becoming more of a basket case if the relationship continues. The safe bet is to work on your relationship with God, draw to Him like your life depended on it. Find the secret place where He can really be your refuge. As to your more disappointing options, ask others (Christian counselors) if they think a separation might be in order. By all means try to talk with your husband, see if you can find out where he is at.

 

[Neostarwcc]

I don’t snoop. My point in posting was wondering if this is normal in other relationships? Is it normal for spouses to be locked out of the other’s phones? We used to have a relationship where we could freely pick up the other’s phone without the intent of snooping.

My wife and I share a phone because I'm on disability and its all we can afford. But if we did share phones I probably would lock her out of my phone and encourage her to lock hers. Why? Its really none of our business what the other person is doing. I don't go looking through her history on her computer and she doesn't look through mine. Its all about trust. I don't wear my wedding band either because its highly uncomfortable. Basically it was a symbol when we first got married and its been sitting in my drawer for the last like three and a half years. So I would say that its normal in a marriage and I would stay. But that's just me I guess.

 

[Archivist]

Before you start thinking about leaving the marriage, I advise you to seek counseling. It is very possible that this could be worked out.

Only if your husband refuses counseling should you consider ending the marriage.

I agree with what Thnkful said in the previous post.

 

[Swan7]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

This is no relationship, the marriage is dead. I would pray to God and ask Him where to lead you whether it be divorce or not. Just because something is dead doesn't mean revival can't happen, Father resurrected Jesus and many other mentioned revivals happened throughout the Bible. I say this because I do not know you or your husband or where you two stand with God. So please, pray about this and have patience.

 

[NW82]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

My ex wife cheated and left, even after I suggested counseling. That said EVERYONE giving you advice here is wrong! Why? Because they aren't you and aren't your husband. God hates divorce but there is one reason where the Bible states it was acceptable. What I would do in your situation is go to a female Christian counselor, pray, fast and read your Bible on what you should do as a wife.

To answer the other questions, no it is not normal for a man to remove his wedding ring, outside of manual labor, and it is not normal for you to be locked out of social media or any other electronics. I have locks on my laptop, tablet, phone and desktop, however if my wife (presuming I get married again) asked for the pin or password I would freely provide them.

 

[HatGuy]

Yes I’m at a loss.

This has been going on for 5 years. How much time do I give it? I’ve done nothing but pray for him but am ending up exhausted at the thought these days.

I’m completely aware everyone hs locks on their phone, my work requires one but he’s aware of my code. But he’s also very weird about his phone and gets extremely aggravated when I ask him who he’s texting all the time. I just don’t know if I have lost all trust and need to cut out losses since we don’t have any children.

why is there no pastoral help in your life?

That question asked, let me say that I don't agree that phones and social media are such private devices that my wife can't use my phone (and I can't use hers). That sort of attitude is from a highly individualistic culture that I can't buy in. My wife is welcome to use my phone whenever she likes . She often likes to look at my Instagram because I follow different people. She's my wife, not my boss, so I don't see anything abnormal with sharing phones.

maybe your husband is trying to prove some point after his parents divorced. There has to be someone you guys can talk to.