Need help

[paul becke]

This is obviously a big problem as it sure gives the impression that there is no unity of commitment to you and makes one suspect he might be not so faithful. Even if he is innocent he is putting you in a bad place. Maybe you invite the pastor over for dinner / counseling session or you do what Lucy would do to Ricky and try to make him taste a bit of his own medicine. You can schedule dinner and a movie with a girl friend and not tell him where you are or when you will get back and ignore his calls when he comes looking for you. Come home around 11 and when he asks where you were and all tell him its not his business. He might not like it. If he is a skunk you do need to find out. Avoiding getting to the bottom of this is no good.

Hilarious...but brilliant reply !

 

[paul becke]

It is very easy to see why God created the marriage bond to be lasting, but I would not advise you to remain in that marriage, if as thnkful suggested it might be just, 'on paper'. To me that sounds to be the case, because I don't get the feeling from anything that you have written, that you are actually bosom friends, more a union of convenience.

This failure on his part to imagine that his wife might feel uneasy and fearful of being two-timed, when her husband is being so secretive, doesn't sound kind and loving at all to me. If he has nothing to hide from you why not humour you - just from his love for you ? Frankly, it makes me angry just reading it. But, as others have said, you have to make the decision, knowing the circumstances far more fully that we can. But he just doesn't sound like a best friend to me at all. Does he lift your spirits and give you the feeling of being loved, in his periods of affability ? You've done well so far, with a very trying husband, and I don't think God will judge you harshly - on that basis alone. And writing this, I'd forgotten about the ring.

I fear it was wrong of me to second-guess God's reaction to your possibly divorcing, so ignore it ; but I do feel your husband has been behaving very immaturely, selfishly and I must say it, suspiciously.

Maybe you should ask him to write a list of things about you that annoy him, and you do the same. Whatever you do, I have a suspicion that a blazing row might wake him out of his voluntary torpor in his relationship with you - one way or another. With that wedding-ring business, you must be wondering if he's using you, pending a perceived 'better offer'. Ask him, point blank, what he feels about your marriage. Does he want to persevere with it or not ?

 

[lsume]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Where would you go? Have you told your husband how serious the situation is? Perhaps if he knew what you have written here it would wake him up. I’ve been married for over 45 years now and we have gone through a number of issues over all of those years. I’ve lost my wedding ring legitimately about 4 times now. I’ve been thinking of buying another one lately but I could not tell you what year I lost my last one. I do recall playing water volleyball one time that my ring went flying but that was over 30 years ago as I recall and I certainly no longer play water volleyball. Honestly is important in your marriage and prayer is essential. Perhaps if your husband professes Christ, he will understand your feelings. If Christ is not involved in your marriage, your marriage might fail.

 

[Nottoosure]

Where would you go? Have you told your husband how serious the situation is? Perhaps if he knew what you have written here it would wake him up. I’ve been married for over 45 years now and we have gone through a number of issues over all of those years. I’ve lost my wedding ring legitimately about 4 times now. I’ve been thinking of buying another one lately but I could not tell you what year I lost my last one. I do recall playing water volleyball one time that my ring went flying but that was over 30 years ago as I recall and I certainly no longer play water volleyball. Honestly is important in your marriage and prayer is essential. Perhaps if your husband professes Christ, he will understand your feelings. If Christ is not involved in your marriage, your marriage might fail.

Ive bought him 5 different wedding rings. They are all in the same spot. He deliberately chooses not to wear them after I have asked him to wear one. It is not a matter of losing them.

 

[mama2one]

has he said why he won't wear a wedding ring?

we haven't worn our rings for years
neither of us like the feel of rings on our fingers

 

[Nottoosure]

has he said why he won't wear a wedding ring?

we haven't worn our rings for years
neither of us like the feel of rings on our fingers

That’s another instance of me asking him again and again and he does not answer.

 

[High Fidelity]

I’m locked out of his phone

He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out.

I'm sorry, but why do you need access to his personal accounts and phone?

If you can't trust him then discuss that, but married or not, I wouldn't want my wife looking through my phone out of principle, not because I had something to hide.

Either way, it sounds like he's given up on your marriage, sorry to say. He doesn't want to connect with you in the small ways and he isn't wearing his only visual and outward sign of commitment to you. The ship has sailed, it just sounds like he doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' and be the one to end it officially.

 

[Nottoosure]

I guess it’s more principle than anything. It’s hurtful to be suddenly locked out when that wasn’t the norm in our relationship before. I don’t really want to pick up his phone and go through everything, I never did before. What other conclusions can I come to?

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Plenty here have suggested you stay, which I agree with. But you do not seem receptive to that advice, it's as if you've already left and looking for back up (though I've not read every response). So I'll take the middle route, give him an ultimatum, either the phone goes bye bye or you go bye bye. See how he reacts, does he love his phone more than you? You might have to do the same, to be fair. I do not have a recommendation for whatever computers might be in your home.

Regarding children, sounds like you've given up on the idea, and seven years is a long time in married years, but consider other couples who were married for many years before they had children. My mom and dad had been married for seven years before I was born, and my mother had gone through a stillbirth which she almost died from before she carried out her first pregnancy with me. My wife and I had been married for four years before she became pregnant.

Regarding your husband, it is not right what he is doing, giving you cause for insecurity and doubts. You might show him two can play that game, but chat with girlfriends, see how he likes it, if his curiosity does not get the best of him. I'm not the kind that enjoys games between people, but in marriage, if the other person does not leave an option, sometimes gotta fight fire with fire before someone wakes the heck up! It's sad, and will hurt you, but you've already hurt, but imagine would add to it. Let me know what you think.

 

[Thnkful]

Thank you for the advice but I don’t see any harm in posting the limited details that I have shared while staying completely anonymous. More than anything I was curious to see how others would view the circumstances I’ve shared and if my feelings are warranted. I used the feedback I received so far as confirmation to reach out to a counselor.

I am thankful that you have reached out to someone. In my opinion the information shared was very modest in detail and compassionate toward your husband. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Nottoosure]

Plenty here have suggested you stay, which I agree with. But you do not seen receptive to that advice, it's as if you've already left and looking for back up. So I'll take the middle route, give him an ultimatum, either the phone goes bye bye or you go bye bye. See how he reacts, does he love his phone more than you? You might have to do the same, to be fair. I do not have a recommendation for whatever computers might be in your home.

Regarding children, sounds like you've given up on the idea, and seven years is a long time in married years, but consider other couples who were married for many years before they had children. My mom and dad had been married for seven years before I was born, and my mother had gone through a stillbirth which she almost died from before she carried out her first pregnancy with me. My wife and I had been married for four years before she became pregnant.

Regarding your husband, it is not right what he is doing, giving you cause for insecurity and doubts. You might show him two can play that game, but chat with girlfriends, see how he likes it, if his curiosity does not get the best of him. I'm not the kind that enjoys games between people, but in marriage, if the other person does not leave an option, sometimes gotta fight fire with fire before someone wakes the heck up! It's sad, and will hurt you, but you've already hurt, but imagine would add to it. Let me know what you think.

Neither one of us have actively wanted children yet. I’ve been in school until last year and graduated with a master’s degree while working full time. Part of my hesitancy to stay committed to this relationship is fear or bringing an innocent child into this world to feel the same rejection from my husband as I have. I’m at an age where I have to really consider whether or not this relationship is going to last long term or if I’m going to sacrifice not having any children for tbis marriage to hit the fan in 10 years due to his behavior and kids will be out of the picture for me.

On a good day I really do love him. Every now and then I see a glimpse of who my husband used to be when we first got married. So kind and loving. I never had to doubt his intentions or his love for me. Now he barely mumbles I love you when I say it first. That’s the saddest part of all of it. I miss who I was married to years ago, my best friend. I slowly watched him slip away and I’m closer To giving up then I’ve ever been. My heart can’t take much more.

 

[Thnkful]

While certainly not true of every one, I have been dismayed at the amount of stone throwing that seems be taking place. It breaks my heart that you have been the target. I don't believe that this difficulty in the marriage is about you learning to be the perfect wife, or to be attractive enough, or, or, or .. Sadly, that is also the type of advice given to persons suffering under abusive circumstances, like instructing someone how to become a model prisoner so that they don't get throw into solitary confinement.

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

Neither one of us have actively wanted children yet. I’ve been in school until last year and graduated with a master’s degree while working full time. Part of my hesitancy to stay committed to this relationship is fear or bringing an innocent child into this world to feel the same rejection from my husband as I have. I’m at an age where I have to really consider whether or not this relationship is going to last long term or if I’m going to sacrifice not having any children for tbis marriage to hit the fan in 10 years due to his behavior and kids will be out of the picture for me.

On a good day I really do love him. Every now and then I see a glimpse of who my husband used to be when we first got married. So kind and loving. I never had to doubt his intentions or his love for me. Now he barely mumbles I love you when I say it first. That’s the saddest part of all of it. I miss who I was married to years ago, my best friend. I slowly watched him slip away and I’m closer To giving up then I’ve ever been. My heart can’t take much more.

This certainly isn't a rule in stone, but for some people, having children helps save their marriage. Maybe because it's a life changer, it really is in some marriages a wake up call to the responsibilities of not just children, but marriage and gives reason for two people to try harder to work things out, because after the honeymoon, it is work, and takes two, though at times for periods of time may be one or the other doing most of the work.

 

[Thnkful]

This certainly isn't a rule in stone, but for some people, having children helps save their marriage. Maybe because it's a life changer, it really is in some marriages a wake up call to the responsibilities of not just children, but marriage and gives reason for two people to try harder to work things out, because after the honeymoon, it is work, and takes two, though at times for periods of time may be one or the other doing most of the work.

Yes, well, good that it is not a rule in stone because conceiving a child with such intent in one's heart is akin to holding the innocent for ransom.

 

[mama2one]

Maybe because it's a life changer, it really is in some marriages a wake up call to the responsibilities of not just children, but marriage and gives reason for two people to try harder to work things out

the third thing (besides husband and wife)

if a couple has a third thing in their marriage i.e. a hobby they do, volunteer work together, church work together, or as Apologetic Warrior said children, it gives an other that a couple can be involved with that helps enrich a marriage and add positives and the focus isn't on the couple only

 

[Nottoosure]

This certainly isn't a rule in stone, but for some people, having children helps save their marriage. Maybe because it's a life changer, it really is in some marriages a wake up call to the responsibilities of not just children, but marriage and gives reason for two people to try harder to work things out, because after the honeymoon, it is work, and takes two, though at times for periods of time may be one or the other doing most of the work.

I am not willing to gamble the success of this marriage with a child.

 

[Nottoosure]

the third thing (besides husband and wife)

if a couple has a third thing in their marriage i.e. a hobby they do, volunteer work together, church work together, or as Apologetic Warrior said children, it gives an other that a couple can be involved with that helps enrich a marriage and add positives and the focus isn't on the couple only

Yes I have worked on various hobbies for the 2 of us. Especially now that I’m done with school. My husbands parents were pastors when his mom Had the affair and the way the church treated his dad after the divorce really effected my husband in a huge way. He’s not a big fan of Going to church becaus of it. It also stirs up a lot of pain and emotion for him since he grew up with preacher parents and that came tumbling down in an unforeseen, very public way.

 

[Honesty-SJ]

hi guys,

I’m in need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We are both almost 30 years old with no children. Long story short - we’ve been together since we were 15. He was so sweet, kind, and affectionate when we first got together. His family went through a huge crisis (mom had affair and parents divorced) 1 year into marriage. Since then our relationship has drastically changed. He stopped wearing his wedding ring years ago, I’m locked out of his phone, and can’t follow him on social media. He’s changed all passwords and has locked me out. I’ve brought all of this up to him and he gets really mad and doesn’t say a single word. He shuts down and then days pass and we’re fine. Would you stay or go?

Jesus had gone up to a mountainside to sit with the disciples and teach them the right way of the law. He had begun by telling them about those who are blessed and then went on to some gritty details about the laws, including that of our only means in which we can obtain a divorce; adultery. The law that was given permitted man to hand a certificate of divorce, right? Well in Matthew, our Lord gives us some very obvious clarification of this. (Matthew 19:8) Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was NOT this way from the beginning.

God made men in His image and woman in man's. [Mat 19:4-6 NIV] 4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'
5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become ONE flesh'?
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

The whole purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ and the church. God was the one who saw Adam in the garden and declared it unfit for the man to be alone. He had sent Adam all the beasts and Adam named them. He had complete dominion over the Earth but it wasn't enough so God made Adam his helper. Not a friend but a WIFE. We are to be the bride of Christ one day and we will be ONE with Him just as He is one with the Father and Holy Spirit. Being one should look like complete submission from our ends as wives and our husband's loving us as Christ loves the church but I don't believe it stops there. My husband and I have been married for just over 5 years ourselves. I came into our relationship not knowing at first that my husband was a Christian but found out quickly and I was thrilled, at first. I knew of God's existence, had a dream when I was 5 years old after my brother had passed away at only 4 months 18 days. I thought I had enough knowledge of God to walk in accordance with His Word but I failed over and over. I tried attending youth groups and didn't receive too many answers, (mostly salvation based questions) so I basically just walked through life blind but still knowing there was God and I was afraid. When I met my husband at 18, (he was 21)

I knew he was the man God had been preparing for me. He became a Christian at 14 and before long was studying apologetics, reading the Bible from beginning to end and even started taking care of his physical health which is a nice bonus lol but nonetheless I didn't appreciate him. I thought because I had a few relationships prior that seemed to be decent, of course with secular men at the time, that I should have this quiet, humble, submissive nature that I would surpass his expectations. So fast forward 9 months and we were married. I always wanted to be a wife but NEVER knew what it was to be one. Especially not a godly one. I had the worst attitude towards my husband for the longest time and disregarded God for the majority of those years. I unfortunately committed the grievous sin of adultery and this is why I can understand your suspicions... My husband and I were always close but I was "unhappy" in the sense my emotional needs were not being met and I felt I could get it elsewhere. That was the worst thought I could have ever had and the worst decision I could have made. There was nothing there to gain and all I came to realize was the sorrowful truth Jesus spoke of the world and the Devil.

The Devil seeks whom he may devour and that is the ungodly. All I experienced in my adultery was that the world is grotesque and bound for hell. I wasn't able to come out of it until I was brought to a quiet place and the Holy Spirit bombarded my mind. Thankfully because I honestly thought I was damned. I heard nothing, felt nothing and was quite content. It scared me but only after about 5 months was I able to come to a point where I could here "go back" I was confused, I'll admit. My husband had obtained divorce papers but because of his prayer that if there was any chance I would repent, Jesus got ahold of that pathetic lost sheep and brought me home. After many years of quarreling with my husband and disobeying God I'm at a point where I just don't want to fight anymore. I don't expect my relationship with my husband to be perfect but that is what God wants us to continue to pursue. Perfection. (Matthew 5:48) Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. That doesn't mean we don't make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes can REALLY harm another person but we need to continue to strive for that.

My husband has set some ground rules that I felt a bit irritated at for a moment but I realize it is my soul that is at hand if I refuse correction. If I make my bed in hell, there will be no place for me in Heaven. Now we share everything, go everywhere together, rise and fall at the same time, study together, play and laugh.
By the grace of God alone, my husband was willing to accept me back, even after playing the harlot against him and God. I chased lovers, got into some drugs I swore I wouldn't ever touch, allowed my mouth to become loose and turned my back on Christ. My idols were my passions.

Whatever I wanted, I got. For a time. Including all the flattery I sought but felt I didn't receive. How selfish am I that I have a man who calls me beautiful daily, helps me take care of my body soul and mind, corrects me, disciplines me and provides 100% of my needs and wants and I betrayed him? We are wicked and if your husband is going to fall into that sin, I would suggest you make sure he is actually in the midst of that sin before you just throw him away. God hates divorce and will not accept your certificate if it is illegitimate. Of course you can literally put your husband away for the mere suspicion but you don't actually have solid evidence therefore you don't have to proper means of divorcing him by GOD'S method.

We need not take heed of doctrine taught by men. The answer is given in your Bible.. the Word of God. If He says it is permitted then so be it but if He does not say, then we should not wish to go against that.

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

Yes, well, good that it is not a rule in stone because conceiving a child with such intent in one's heart is akin to holding the innocent for ransom.

Many married couples desire children from the beginning of their marriage, I wouldn't describe it as "holding the innocent for ransom". Most all marriages have their problems, I've yet to see a couple with the perfect marriage waiting for the perfect time to bring children into the world, reality is no like that.

 

[mama2one]

after reading your last post, it does seem he hasn't processed all that happened

he really does need counselling himself and then maybe you two together
is there anyone who could convince him to go?