I Need Help

[matt84]

I need some help or advice, I initially made this post on reddit a little bit ago when I was in a worse place, but I'm a bit better now so there is no need to worry about me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I'm 40 years old, gay, Christian, diagnosed with autism, and my depression has been getting worse and worse. I have been taking care of my mom since she had her hip and knee replaced, and still needs another hip replacement. She is a fall risk, and has now has had more memory problems as of late. I have no friends, no relationships, all I have is her, and I refuse to tell her how I'm feeling. My mom worked 3-4 jobs to take care of me and my siblings and did a good job. Out of my 40 years on this earth, I have had 2 friendships, each lasting only about year. I have had 1 relationship when I converted to atheism, but he just wanted my money, and didn't care for me at all. I had always been somewhat suicidal since I was in my late teens, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to my mom. But the older I get, the harder it's becoming.

It's gotten progressively worse since hitting 40. I see guys with their wives and kids and I desperately want that. I want a family so much but I'll never have one. I have prayed and prayed begging for God to take the gay away and take the autism away so I can be normal, so I'm not alone; but it never happens. It's not like it matters though, even if a gay relationship wasn't considered a sin, if I can't even form friendships then an actual relationship is a stretch. And even if I decided I just wanted to adopt a child, nobody is going to give a child to a 40 year old single gay autistic guy with no support system or friends. I would mess that kid up worse than I am.

And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I have held a job pretty much non-stop since I was 16. I have gone to quite a few churches, I have gone to 3 different colleges for 3 different degrees. I tried to socialize with coworkers and other students, none of them ever evolved into a friendship. It's obvious the problem lies with me, but nobody ever yells me what I'm doing wrong, why they dislike me. When I had my friend around 19 years old, I had a job and other than bills most of my money went to doing stuff with him (hanging out, movie tickets, games, food, etc.). I was plenty generous and tried to be nice.

I became a Christian when I was about 18 and went to a church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night. Nobody really talked to me during Sunday service, and it took almost a year to make a friend in the youth group. And that wasn't until one night after another youth group of having nobody to talk to, I talked to the youth pastor, I literally went to him crying after everyone had left asking how to make friends. I still remember his answer "Just talk to people, you'll make friends easy." And I've been told that by many people, but it never held true for me. The next Sunday morning, two of the more popular kids who were twin brothers in youth group came up and started talking to me and asking if I wanted to play basketball. We talked for a bit and played basketball and they left after church, and to hang out with them some more and try to make friends I did some stuff that would be considered creepy looking back.

During that year I still went to youth group, tried to make other friends, but it never happened. And even with the 2 brothers, if I wanted to do anything with them I almost had to invite myself as I was never invited. When they left and moved away, I left that church and shortly after I became an atheist. I hated God for what he made me and I was angry. I still didn't manage to make any friends at work or outside work. Last year I don't know why but God or something brough me back to Christianity, and I was hopeful this time would be different. But sadly its no different and no better. Every time I see a kid with their father in a tv show, YouTube, or movie now, I can't stop but tear up.

I tried every local church I had that looked decent. I went a couple of days to weeks in each one. And never had more than a few words, and that was with the deacons greeting people. So right now I am struggling with that as well. People say God can be your friend, Jesus can be your friend, but I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I never get any type of reply, sign, feeling, nothing. It just feels like any other one-sided conversation I am having in my head.

I just don't know what is wrong with me and why God won't help me. I've heard of God having people live in celebacy, but they weren't alone, they had friends. Am I just supposed to live whatever left of my life completely alone?

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

I need some help or advice, I initially made this post on reddit a little bit ago when I was in a worse place, but I'm a bit better now so there is no need to worry about me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I'm 40 years old, gay, Christian, diagnosed with autism, and my depression has been getting worse and worse. I have been taking care of my mom since she had her hip and knee replaced, and still needs another hip replacement. She is a fall risk, and has now has had more memory problems as of late. I have no friends, no relationships, all I have is her, and I refuse to tell her how I'm feeling. My mom worked 3-4 jobs to take care of me and my siblings and did a good job. Out of my 40 years on this earth, I have had 2 friendships, each lasting only about year. I have had 1 relationship when I converted to atheism, but he just wanted my money, and didn't care for me at all. I had always been somewhat suicidal since I was in my late teens, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to my mom. But the older I get, the harder it's becoming.

It's gotten progressively worse since hitting 40. I see guys with their wives and kids and I desperately want that. I want a family so much but I'll never have one. I have prayed and prayed begging for God to take the gay away and take the autism away so I can be normal, so I'm not alone; but it never happens. It's not like it matters though, even if a gay relationship wasn't considered a sin, if I can't even form friendships then an actual relationship is a stretch. And even if I decided I just wanted to adopt a child, nobody is going to give a child to a 40 year old single gay autistic guy with no support system or friends. I would mess that kid up worse than I am.

And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I have held a job pretty much non-stop since I was 16. I have gone to quite a few churches, I have gone to 3 different colleges for 3 different degrees. I tried to socialize with coworkers and other students, none of them ever evolved into a friendship. It's obvious the problem lies with me, but nobody ever yells me what I'm doing wrong, why they dislike me. When I had my friend around 19 years old, I had a job and other than bills most of my money went to doing stuff with him (hanging out, movie tickets, games, food, etc.). I was plenty generous and tried to be nice.

I became a Christian when I was about 18 and went to a church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night. Nobody really talked to me during Sunday service, and it took almost a year to make a friend in the youth group. And that wasn't until one night after another youth group of having nobody to talk to, I talked to the youth pastor, I literally went to him crying after everyone had left asking how to make friends. I still remember his answer "Just talk to people, you'll make friends easy." And I've been told that by many people, but it never held true for me. The next Sunday morning, two of the more popular kids who were twin brothers in youth group came up and started talking to me and asking if I wanted to play basketball. We talked for a bit and played basketball and they left after church, and to hang out with them some more and try to make friends I did some stuff that would be considered creepy looking back.

During that year I still went to youth group, tried to make other friends, but it never happened. And even with the 2 brothers, if I wanted to do anything with them I almost had to invite myself as I was never invited. When they left and moved away, I left that church and shortly after I became an atheist. I hated God for what he made me and I was angry. I still didn't manage to make any friends at work or outside work. Last year I don't know why but God or something brough me back to Christianity, and I was hopeful this time would be different. But sadly its no different and no better. Every time I see a kid with their father in a tv show, YouTube, or movie now, I can't stop but tear up.

I tried every local church I had that looked decent. I went a couple of days to weeks in each one. And never had more than a few words, and that was with the deacons greeting people. So right now I am struggling with that as well. People say God can be your friend, Jesus can be your friend, but I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I never get any type of reply, sign, feeling, nothing. It just feels like any other one-sided conversation I am having in my head.

I just don't know what is wrong with me and why God won't help me. I've heard of God having people live in celebacy, but they weren't alone, they had friends. Am I just supposed to live whatever left of my life completely alone?

It's a heart-breaking story .. I'll pray for you ..

Missing out on family, father/motherhood, friends and loneliness in general means grief and suffering. Survival needs starting with the basics.

Being ground in God as your Father and Jesus as your Master/Lord in all is first. Then find a church .. go to a church for at least 2 months before deciding to explore something else. Try a home/cell-group. Ask for Pastoral counselling. Get a (Christian) Life Coach who is able to give honest and maybe even brutal feed-back on yourself or what is needed to develop and keep friendships.

Develop hobbies, attend hobby-clubs, gyms, associations - anything that allow you to do something enjoyable together with others. Can you dance? If not, learn to do so at a school (learn any style of couple dancing). Get feedback on personal hygiene; do you like you look after yourself well (groomed, clothed, pleasant scent, BMI ok, etc.)

Read the Psalms ..

Celibacy is lot better than living in conflict with God's desire and miss out on His blessings unnecessarily.

 

[XrxrX]

I need some help or advice, I initially made this post on reddit a little bit ago when I was in a worse place, but I'm a bit better now so there is no need to worry about me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I'm 40 years old, gay, Christian, diagnosed with autism, and my depression has been getting worse and worse. I have been taking care of my mom since she had her hip and knee replaced, and still needs another hip replacement. She is a fall risk, and has now has had more memory problems as of late. I have no friends, no relationships, all I have is her, and I refuse to tell her how I'm feeling. My mom worked 3-4 jobs to take care of me and my siblings and did a good job. Out of my 40 years on this earth, I have had 2 friendships, each lasting only about year. I have had 1 relationship when I converted to atheism, but he just wanted my money, and didn't care for me at all. I had always been somewhat suicidal since I was in my late teens, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to my mom. But the older I get, the harder it's becoming.

It's gotten progressively worse since hitting 40. I see guys with their wives and kids and I desperately want that. I want a family so much but I'll never have one. I have prayed and prayed begging for God to take the gay away and take the autism away so I can be normal, so I'm not alone; but it never happens. It's not like it matters though, even if a gay relationship wasn't considered a sin, if I can't even form friendships then an actual relationship is a stretch. And even if I decided I just wanted to adopt a child, nobody is going to give a child to a 40 year old single gay autistic guy with no support system or friends. I would mess that kid up worse than I am.

And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I have held a job pretty much non-stop since I was 16. I have gone to quite a few churches, I have gone to 3 different colleges for 3 different degrees. I tried to socialize with coworkers and other students, none of them ever evolved into a friendship. It's obvious the problem lies with me, but nobody ever yells me what I'm doing wrong, why they dislike me. When I had my friend around 19 years old, I had a job and other than bills most of my money went to doing stuff with him (hanging out, movie tickets, games, food, etc.). I was plenty generous and tried to be nice.

I became a Christian when I was about 18 and went to a church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night. Nobody really talked to me during Sunday service, and it took almost a year to make a friend in the youth group. And that wasn't until one night after another youth group of having nobody to talk to, I talked to the youth pastor, I literally went to him crying after everyone had left asking how to make friends. I still remember his answer "Just talk to people, you'll make friends easy." And I've been told that by many people, but it never held true for me. The next Sunday morning, two of the more popular kids who were twin brothers in youth group came up and started talking to me and asking if I wanted to play basketball. We talked for a bit and played basketball and they left after church, and to hang out with them some more and try to make friends I did some stuff that would be considered creepy looking back.

During that year I still went to youth group, tried to make other friends, but it never happened. And even with the 2 brothers, if I wanted to do anything with them I almost had to invite myself as I was never invited. When they left and moved away, I left that church and shortly after I became an atheist. I hated God for what he made me and I was angry. I still didn't manage to make any friends at work or outside work. Last year I don't know why but God or something brough me back to Christianity, and I was hopeful this time would be different. But sadly its no different and no better. Every time I see a kid with their father in a tv show, YouTube, or movie now, I can't stop but tear up.

I tried every local church I had that looked decent. I went a couple of days to weeks in each one. And never had more than a few words, and that was with the deacons greeting people. So right now I am struggling with that as well. People say God can be your friend, Jesus can be your friend, but I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I never get any type of reply, sign, feeling, nothing. It just feels like any other one-sided conversation I am having in my head.

I just don't know what is wrong with me and why God won't help me. I've heard of God having people live in celebacy, but they weren't alone, they had friends. Am I just supposed to live whatever left of my life completely alone?

You have my prayers also, and like the other comment says there are pragmatic steps to take to improve your "circumstance". But, also consider there is a place and reality as a Believer where your circumstance doesn't have to define your inner state. It would be unrealistic to say it's completely unaffecting, of course it is.. but the joy you seek is not the kind defined by your circumstances. It's defined by who you ARE.. which is defined by what God says you are. And if you are a Believer, He calls you His child. He doesn't call you "gay", He calls you Holy. He doesn't call you "autistic", He calls you Perfect. He doesn't call you "awkward", He calls you Righteous. Jesus took this despair you feel, on Himself.. so you don't have to carry this burden. I will say, the healing you seek comes from God's indwelling Spirit. The despair that is tormenting you cannot coexist with God's Spirit. As far as the "one sided conversation", God's presence is not a "feeling", although you certainly "can" feel it, sometimes we don't. God didn't say "I am with you when you feel it", He promised He was with us.. period. So, don't "feel" what your conversation with God is, KNOW what it is.. He Is There. And if you are indwelled, its every single second of every single day... Eternally. And lastly, you must have purpose in your life. That is a root of despair, the lack of purpose.. but God has a purpose for you. What do you think this time of hardship does to you? It makes you someone who knows what hardship feels like. Despair, loneliness, struggle, temptation.. this can make you feel like someone who has nothing to offer, or it can make you into someone that has an extremely powerful gift to offer this world. And know also, that as you look around and see all those "perfect people" with "perfect lives", don't envy them. Inside many of them prowls the same lion of despair prowling you. It's not a perfect life that brings you joy, peace and purpose.. it's a Perfect God and the Majesty of His Spirit dwelling closer than your own breath with your spirit. Take heart, and have Hope!

 

[ozso]

I need some help or advice, I initially made this post on reddit a little bit ago when I was in a worse place, but I'm a bit better now so there is no need to worry about me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I'm 40 years old, gay, Christian, diagnosed with autism, and my depression has been getting worse and worse. I have been taking care of my mom since she had her hip and knee replaced, and still needs another hip replacement. She is a fall risk, and has now has had more memory problems as of late. I have no friends, no relationships, all I have is her, and I refuse to tell her how I'm feeling. My mom worked 3-4 jobs to take care of me and my siblings and did a good job. Out of my 40 years on this earth, I have had 2 friendships, each lasting only about year. I have had 1 relationship when I converted to atheism, but he just wanted my money, and didn't care for me at all. I had always been somewhat suicidal since I was in my late teens, but I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do that to my mom. But the older I get, the harder it's becoming.

It's gotten progressively worse since hitting 40. I see guys with their wives and kids and I desperately want that. I want a family so much but I'll never have one. I have prayed and prayed begging for God to take the gay away and take the autism away so I can be normal, so I'm not alone; but it never happens. It's not like it matters though, even if a gay relationship wasn't considered a sin, if I can't even form friendships then an actual relationship is a stretch. And even if I decided I just wanted to adopt a child, nobody is going to give a child to a 40 year old single gay autistic guy with no support system or friends. I would mess that kid up worse than I am.

And it's not like I don't try to make friends. I have held a job pretty much non-stop since I was 16. I have gone to quite a few churches, I have gone to 3 different colleges for 3 different degrees. I tried to socialize with coworkers and other students, none of them ever evolved into a friendship. It's obvious the problem lies with me, but nobody ever yells me what I'm doing wrong, why they dislike me. When I had my friend around 19 years old, I had a job and other than bills most of my money went to doing stuff with him (hanging out, movie tickets, games, food, etc.). I was plenty generous and tried to be nice.

I became a Christian when I was about 18 and went to a church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday night. Nobody really talked to me during Sunday service, and it took almost a year to make a friend in the youth group. And that wasn't until one night after another youth group of having nobody to talk to, I talked to the youth pastor, I literally went to him crying after everyone had left asking how to make friends. I still remember his answer "Just talk to people, you'll make friends easy." And I've been told that by many people, but it never held true for me. The next Sunday morning, two of the more popular kids who were twin brothers in youth group came up and started talking to me and asking if I wanted to play basketball. We talked for a bit and played basketball and they left after church, and to hang out with them some more and try to make friends I did some stuff that would be considered creepy looking back.

During that year I still went to youth group, tried to make other friends, but it never happened. And even with the 2 brothers, if I wanted to do anything with them I almost had to invite myself as I was never invited. When they left and moved away, I left that church and shortly after I became an atheist. I hated God for what he made me and I was angry. I still didn't manage to make any friends at work or outside work. Last year I don't know why but God or something brough me back to Christianity, and I was hopeful this time would be different. But sadly its no different and no better. Every time I see a kid with their father in a tv show, YouTube, or movie now, I can't stop but tear up.

I tried every local church I had that looked decent. I went a couple of days to weeks in each one. And never had more than a few words, and that was with the deacons greeting people. So right now I am struggling with that as well. People say God can be your friend, Jesus can be your friend, but I just feel like I'm talking to myself. I never get any type of reply, sign, feeling, nothing. It just feels like any other one-sided conversation I am having in my head.

I just don't know what is wrong with me and why God won't help me. I've heard of God having people live in celebacy, but they weren't alone, they had friends. Am I just supposed to live whatever left of my life completely alone?

I used to struggle with being solitary when I was your age. Everyone had someone except me. But I came to realize the real problem was I wanted what others had because they had it and I didn't. Rather than because that's what I really truly wanted for myself. These days in my 60s I'm perfectly happy in my solitude. I'm not really isolated though, because hardly a day goes by that I don't interact with someone. And of course I have plenty of interaction with others online. Obviously I'm not the person to tell you how to make friends. But I can say in my case at least I'm alright without having them these days. My advice is to concentrate on your relationship with the Lord, despite anything else. Things of this earth are so temporary.