joke thread--fun/fellowship..come on in

[mont974x4]

TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE


10. God worred that adan would be lost in the garden, beacause he hated to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to straighten out his fig tie.
8.God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need eve to get one for him.
7.God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6.God knew that Adam would never remimber which night was garbage night.
5.God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4.As "keeper of the garden" Adam would never remimber where he put his tools.
3.He had some extra parts left over.
2.As the Bible say, "Its not good to be alone!"
1.When God finished the creation of adam, He stepped back, scratch his head and said, " I can do better than that."

 

[BigNorsk]

There was a small town with only one church a Roman Catholic Church and every single person in town was Roman Catholic except one Lutheran, Ole.

Ole had a habit that was causing a lot of problems. All throughout Lent, on every Friday, Ole would pull out his grill and throw one of the largest steaks people had ever seen on it, and he like to slow grill. So it was causing the Catholics a sore temptation.

Well a new priest came to town and he noticed all the violations of Fridays in the confessional. And he asked what was happening. So people told him of Ole and the problem.

Well he was a take charge kind of guy so he just marched right down to Ole's while the whole town watched. And he asked Ole if he would consider converting, almost to his surprise, Ole said he would.

Well the priest instructed Ole and he did decide to make a bit of a ceremony about Ole's conversion. One Sunday in front of the congregation, Ole knelled while the priest sprinkled him with holy water. "You were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic," said the priest.

Well everyone was most pleased.

Well along came Lent, and right on schedule Ole pulled out the grill and started his steak. People ran to the church to get the priest who then ran to Ole's to stop him.

As the priest came up on Ole, he saw him sprinkle water on the steak and he heard Ole say,"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, now you are a fish."

To this day, every Friday during Lent, the town has a "fish" fry at the church.

 

[k4c]

In one church, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why
people don't go to church, included "Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash" in the church bulletin:

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.
4. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
5. None of my friends wash.
6. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
7. I can't spare the time.
8. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
9. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
10. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else.

 

[mont974x4]

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth for a time.

When he returned, the angel told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion"

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.



Do you know what the e-mail said?


No?


Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either...

 

[Catholic Christian]

I told so many jokes in the other thread, I can't remember what I said. I hope I don't repeat myself, but here goes:


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


RIM SHOT - Buddoooomm Psshhhhhh

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

10 Reasons why I don't wash...


In one church, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why
people don't go to church, included "Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash" in the church bulletin:

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer.
4. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
5. None of my friends wash.
6. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
7. I can't spare the time.
8. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
9. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
10. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else.

A relative just emailed me this today.
Hope non-Christians don't decide to come out with one with various Christians leaders on it

New Cereal Box for 2008

 

[Catholic Christian]

A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.

St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books."

The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.

They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?"

St. Peter just laughs and says "You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!"



RIM SHOT - Buddoooomm Psshhhhhh

 

[MyHeart07]

The day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good
to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is
short, but you have to pass it before you can get into
Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St.
Peter, sir. ; But nobody ever told me about any
entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest,
but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He
returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him
up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think
the questions over, tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with
the letter "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and
Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
"Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will
give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk
and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can
be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve?
Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with
twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter.
"I see where you are going with this, and I see your
point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....
but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's ANDY"

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the
name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest
replied.
"I learnt it from the song,

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:

"Run Forrest, Run!!!"

 

[k4c]

There was a pastor in the middle of the ocean sinking in a small boat when a Coast Guard ship came by and asked if he needed help.

The pastor's faith was strong when he said, "No God will save me". So the ship drove off.

A couple of hours goes by now the pastor is up to his chin in the water when another ship comes by and they ask if he needs help.

The pastor still trusting in God says, "No God will save me" So they say okay and sail off.

Another hour goes by now the water is touching the pastor's mouth when a helicopter hovers over him and asks if he needed help when the pastor said, "No God will save me". So the helicopter flies off.

Well, the pastor ended up drowning and was now in heaven and he was mad as a hornet. He walked right up to God and said, " I can't believe it, I put all my faith in you and just let me drown." God replies, "I sent you two boats and helicopter, what more did you want?...

 

[k4c]

Why is it better to bring two Adventists fishing rather than one?

If you bring one he'll drink all your beer....

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

A Russian Orthodox, an American Protestant, and a Catholic were talking one day.
The Russian Orthodox said, "We were the first in space!" ;
The American Protestant said, "We were the first on the moon!! "
The Catholic said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Catholic replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"

 

[MyHeart07]

A Russian Orthodox, an American Protestant, and a Catholic were talking one day.
The Russian Orthodox said, "We were the first in space!" ;
The American Protestant said, "We were the first on the moon!! "
The Catholic said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Catholic replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"

Rof!!! hehe

 

[Rick Otto]

The Orthodox don't recognize the Pope,
Catholics don't recognize any one else,
and Protestants don't recognize each other at Hooter's.

 

[secretx]

The difference between Lutherans and Mennonites:

Lutherans say hello to each other at the liquor commision.

 

[Catholic Christian]

A Russian Orthodox, an American Protestant, and a Catholic were talking one day.
The Russian Orthodox said, "We were the first in space!" ;
The American Protestant said, "We were the first on the moon!! "
The Catholic said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Catholic replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

Rof!!! hehe

 

[k4c]

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"

...

 

[Rick Otto]

I went with a friend to his Parish Fish Fry one Friday night & ran into the Pastor's son I hadn't seen for years.
I asked him what he was doing for a living,
He said, "Don't tell dad I became a Catholic priest because I wouldn't want to worry him. He thinks I play piano in a bordello."

 

[tadoflamb]

I'm sure we are familiar with the bible story where the scribes and pharisees are about to stone a woman caught in adultery and how Jesus confronts them by saying "Ye who have not sinned may cast the first stone". Then, as the crowd, one by one, started to walk away in shame, a small gentle faced old woman came forth, picked up a small pebble and tossed it at the woman on the ground.

Then Jesus said......

"MOM, I HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT!!!"

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly that it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!"
The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make $100,000 a week."
The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent to the Church on that $100,000 per week. The Pope will find me!"

 

[secretx]

There was a nun teaching an elementary class. She asked Suzy who people prayed the Rosary to. Suzy was not listening however. Little Johnny behind her poked his pencil into her back to wake her up. "Mother o' God!" exclaimed Suzy. "Very good!" said the nun.

About fifteen minutes later, she asked Suzy who the Saviour of the people is. But Suzy was dozing again. So again Johnny poked her with his pencil. "Jesus Christ!!" yelled out Suzy. "Excellent" said the nun.

About half an hour later, Suzy dozing again, the nun asks her again: "What did Eve say to Adam after their children were born?"

Again Johnny pokes her with her pencil, and Suzy yells out "If you poke me with that thing one more time I'll break it in half!!!"

The nun fainted.