Is husband controlling??

[RaymondG]

I do not see controlling in the behavior you stated. The fact that he gives exceptions for you to drink, proves this. If he was dead set against it and didn't care what you thought about it, he would say no drinking period.. But the exceptions were only to compromise and please you......because Im sure he would rather you not drink at all.

I think there are pinkish flags in your actions.....not quite Red yet. The fact that you drink multiple glasses a night.....your hiding drinking in the house even though you are given ways to drink freely outside of it......You are finding excuses why you should be able to drink....You are looking for problems with your husbands so that you can be allowed to drink more.

All this seem unhealthy to me. I drink a glass of wine often....but I would have no issues not drinking it if my wife had an issue with it....I have no time period inwhich I feel that I have to have a drink....and I've never felt the need to have more than one serving in a day...... But I wouldnt mind not drinking it at all......because it is not that important to me...

The question is, why is it that important to you? Let's say you could never drink again.....Would you feel hurt by that? Would that be a devastating lose? If so, I think your need for a drink is too great.

 

[Sabertooth]

@enealey ,
From your side of the story, I can say that he needs to lighten up, but I wouldn't know how to bring him to that conclusion.

If you both agree to the important basics of Christianity, you each should make room for the other's subtle differences.

Up until about age 30?, I was very controlling with my wife (I am mildly autistic). One day, God pulled me aside and pointed out,

"If you were to actually succeed in getting your wife to abide by your sensibilities, she would be conformed to your image, not Mine." It wasn't a smack or a spank; it was a lightswitch!

It became clear to me that I had to be willing to let her make what I considered to be unwise choices, suffer the consequence and let God grow her in His terms, where I didn't have direct responsibility for her decisions (even if I would have been correct, otherwise).

I could still "weigh in." And I could still be more insistent where I did bear a portion of the responsibility. Immediately, I was relieved of the burden of trying to be Holy Spirit to her.

I still offer advice when she asks for it. She either trusts it or (when I am right) she finds out the hard way and trusts me a little more the next time.

(To this date, she is as controlling of me as I was of her. I really don't know how to get her to stop, since controlling her to stop is not a viable option.)

 

[Paidiske]

I do not see controlling in the behavior you stated.

If he's making decisions about what, where or how much she may drink... that is, by definition, him controlling her.

 

[RaymondG]

If he's making decisions about what, where or how much she may drink... that is, by definition, him controlling her.

I would say it was controlling if he said not to drink at all. But I would not need to be controlled....If my wife told me she had a problem with an action of mine, I would just stop it.....No need to create a rule for it or find ways to do something she doesnt like.

And we are talking about drinking....if is was eating foods, or being in the house at this time etc...it would be more of a control issue. But he is trying to limit the intake of alcohol for someone who seems to need to drink it. He is desiring help for His wife because he thinks she is a little dependant on the drink..... Maybe he is being loving and not controlling..... Hard to say knowing only half the story...

 

[Sabertooth]

He thinks I need AA. Does anyone think that the mere fact that I’ve been secretive about consuming a very small amount I would say, is enough to mean I have a problem with alcohol?

That is too hard to determine on just your testimony, alone (without knowing you), but it is a separate issue from being controlling.

My wife knows that she has a problem with alcohol, so she asks me to regulate it and some food compulsions for her. Sometimes, she will sneak in additional alcohol, but she will later feel out-of-control and turn it back over to me (especially against her regular medications).

 

[Paidiske]

I would say it was controlling if he said not to drink at all.

That's not relevant to the question of whether it's controlling. If he's making decisions for her, it's controlling.

But I would not need to be controlled....If my wife told me she had a problem with an action of mine, I would just stop it.....No need to create a rule for it or find ways to do something she doesnt like.

Not really the point. This post is not about you or your marriage or what you would be happy with.

And we are talking about drinking....if is was eating foods, or being in the house at this time etc...it would be more of a control issue. But he is trying to limit the intake of alcohol for someone who seems to need to drink it. He is desiring help for His wife because he thinks she is a little dependant on the drink..... Maybe he is being loving and not controlling..... Hard to say knowing only half the story...

For what it's worth, I don't see what the OP described as indicating a problem with alcohol. But it can be hard to tell over the internet, which is why I suggested, if in doubt, check it out with your own doctor.

But the way the OP wrote, it didn't sound like she developed a problem with alcohol and he lovingly tried to curtail it. It sounded like he forbade something and then labelled her behaviour a problem when she didn't comply with his direction. Which is a whole other kettle of fish.

 

[archer75]

Thank you so much for everyone’s feedback. I truly want to come out of this better and in truth. No hard liquor!! A glass and a half of cab is enough for me in any given night! But I should probably prepare myself to give it up completely for the sake of my marriage. I am fully prepared to be hung out to dry in the counseling session.

Even if you "need" to give up alcohol for your marriage, his behavior is still abusive.

 

[enealey]

I do not see controlling in the behavior you stated. The fact that he gives exceptions for you to drink, proves this. If he was dead set against it and didn't care what you thought about it, he would say no drinking period.. But the exceptions were only to compromise and please you......because Im sure he would rather you not drink at all.

I think there are pinkish flags in your actions.....not quite Red yet. The fact that you drink multiple glasses a night.....your hiding drinking in the house even though you are given ways to drink freely outside of it......You are finding excuses why you should be able to drink....You are looking for problems with your husbands so that you can be allowed to drink more.

All this seem unhealthy to me. I drink a glass of wine often....but I would have no issues not drinking it if my wife had an issue with it....I have no time period inwhich I feel that I have to have a drink....and I've never felt the need to have more than one serving in a day...... But I wouldnt mind not drinking it at all......because it is not that important to me...

The question is, why is it that important to you? Let's say you could never drink again.....Would you feel hurt by that? Would that be a devastating lose? If so, I think your need for a drink is too great.

I see what you are saying. By no means am I saying I’m not at all at fault. I’m not sure where you got that I was drinking multiple glasses a night. The frequency is maybe a glass or two a week either within the boundary or outside of it. It sounds stupid but I really just love a glass now and then. It’s a way for me to relax much like having a nice hot bath is. I can’t get in and out of the tub myself anymore sonthere goes that lol. This is the other side of the issue you are saying that I also understand. I’m just not sure what is right. Is there something wrong with enjoying wine? No I don’t feel like I NEED it, but to me it is one of life’s pleasure just like food or something like that. Am I wrong for that?

 

[Sabertooth]

My wife knows that she has a problem with alcohol, so she asks me to regulate it and some food compulsions for her.

With her memory issues, she wants me to do all of the heavy lifting with our finances, too (which are tight right now). One rule in our house is, if I can find money for my hobbies, I can find a matching amount for her (and vice-versa).

 

[RaymondG]

That's not relevant to the question of whether it's controlling. If he's making decisions for her, it's controlling.

My wife didnt like the way I dressed. She gave away all my baggy clothes and have bought every piece of clothing I wear for the passed 10 years.....And, on most occasions, she decides what I wear.

Im I being controlled? Do I need help from this major abuse?

I have to say....I look much sexier now with clothes that fit me than I did with clothes 3-4 sizes too big.

You see....I had an issue with my weight... bought clothes too big to hide it. Through her "controlling", I found that I was perfect the way I was....no longer ashamed to show the world" me"...no more need to hide.....except from the new women looking my way.

What you may think is controlling now, could actually help you in the future.

Not really the point. This post is not about you or your marriage or what you would be happy with.

Yes, but I speak from experience only..... as all should. I say to others only what I would feel and say to myself....I believe a lot of advice would be given differently if everyone stepped into the shoes of the one they are giving the advice to...

For what it's worth, I don't see what the OP described as indicating a problem with alcohol. But it can be hard to tell over the internet, which is why I suggested, if in doubt, check it out with your own doctor.

But the way the OP wrote, it didn't sound like she developed a problem with alcohol and he lovingly tried to curtail it. It sounded like he forbade something and then labelled her behaviour a problem when she didn't comply with his direction. Which is a whole other kettle of fish.

Do you drink often? Do you have experience with alcoholics? Do you know if I possess this experience? Most advice given is in good faith....and based off experience. I believe they should all be respected......yet not taken as truth.

 

[Sabertooth]

Is there something wrong with enjoying wine? No I don’t feel like I NEED it, but to me it is one of life’s pleasure just like food or something like that. Am I wrong for that?

I am the same way with alcohol, but an actual alcoholic would make the same claims. That is why we are at a disadvantage in not knowing you (on just that question).

Using my strategy --even if your husband is right-- you need to wrestle that issue before God, and not just blindly obey your husband. You need to be able to fail (and grow), if necessary. And you need to be able learn to trust your husband's advice more (if it turns out that he is giving you good advice, but not orders).

 

[archer75]

I am the same way with alcohol, but an actual alcoholic would make the same claims. That is why we are at a disadvantage in not knowing you (on just that question).

Using my strategy --even if your husband is right-- you need to wrestle that issue before God, and not just blindly obey your husband. You need to be able to fail (and grow), if necessary. And you need to be able learn to trust your husband's advice more (if it turns out that he is giving you good advice, not orders).

Even if the OP has a problem that she can't see and we can't diagnose, she should indeed talk to her doctor.

The behavior described is still abusive. Her husband's behavior.

Consult with your doctor because we don't know you and aren't experts in addiction. Just in case. Be totally honest.

And speak to a counselor on your own.

 

[Paidiske]

My wife didnt like the way I dressed. She gave away all my baggy clothes and have bought every piece of clothing I wear for the passed 10 years.....And, on most occasions, she decides what I wear.

Im I being controlled? Do I need help from this major abuse?

I have to say....I look much sexier now with clothes that fit me than I give with clothes 3-4 sizes to big.

You see....I had an issue with my weight... bought clothes too big to hid it. Through her "controlling", I found that I was perfect the way I was....no longer ashamed to show the world me...no more need to hide.....except from the new women looking my way.

What you may think id controlling now, could actually help you in the future.

If your wife made or makes decisions for you, with which you're not happy, then yes, I'd say that's a form of abuse. You sound content to let her make those decisions, so in that case, then no.

(I mean, for example, my husband will cook tonight and decide what's for dinner. I'm perfectly content with that as part of how we share life together, and it's not abusive. But if I wanted to cook something for my dinner and he forbade it, overriding my wishes, that would be abusive).

In this case, the OP is not happy with the decisions her husband has made for her.

Do you drink often? Do you have experience with alcoholics? Do you know if I possess this experience? Most advice given in is good faith....and based off experience. I believe they all so be respected......yet not taken as truth.

I have a bit of pastoral experience with alcoholism, although I wouldn't claim to be an expert.

I have made a point of developing specialisation in abuse, trauma, domestic violence and so on, though. There I am speaking from some considerable expertise.

 

[Sabertooth]

He is VERY good at it.

"Very skilled at it" is probably more accurate.

 

[enealey]

I’m absolutely willing to discuss with a professional if I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I don’t feel like I do, but I will explore that for sure. Because it’s alcohol and alcohol can be abused, it makes this issue a little more complicated. I’m sure you would all agree that it would be ridiculous and controlling if my husband refused to let me have coffee (which again is one of life’s greatest pleasures). The fact that I have lied about it is not a good sign but I honestly don’t feel like I have a problem. There’s a lot of resentment built up probably on my end against my husband that made it easier for me to just do what I wanted with no regard for his wishes. This is where it will get complicated in counseling I’m sure.

 

[RaymondG]

I see what you are saying. By no means am I saying I’m not at all at fault. I’m not sure where you got that I was drinking multiple glasses a night. The frequency is maybe a glass or two a week either within the boundary or outside of it.

Here is were I got the idea:::

when I have an evening to myself where my kids and husband are gone and I have the house to myself, I have indulged in a couple of glasses to unwind.

Reads like you are talking about one evening and having multiple glasses.... But maybe you can reword it so to not confuse anyone else

t sounds stupid but I really just love a glass now and then. It’s a way for me to relax much like having a nice hot bath is. I can’t get in and out of the tub myself anymore sonthere goes that lol. This is the other side of the issue you are saying that I also understand.

Doesnt sound stupid at all. I like drinking from the glasses......I think grape juice would do.....but wine makes it more official...... I like the experience of opening the bottle as well....and some of the little wrapped cheeses. If the glass breaks.....I wouldnt drink again until it is replaced....it is the most important part of the experience...

you see.....we all can like it for different reason......matters not what others think about it. it isnt stupid to us.

I’m just not sure what is right. Is there something wrong with enjoying wine? No I don’t feel like I NEED it, but to me it is one of life’s pleasure just like food or something like that. Am I wrong for that?

Nothing wrong with it.....I do not condemn....I would only make sure you are in control of your desire to drink so that the desire doesnt control you.

 

[enealey]

Here is were I got the idea:::


Reads like you are talking about one evening and having multiple glasses.... But maybe you can reword it so to not confuse anyone else



Doesnt sound stupid at all. I like drinking from the glasses......I think grape juice would do.....but wine makes it more official...... I like the experience of opening the bottle as well....and some of the little wrapped cheeses. If the glass breaks.....I wouldnt drink again until it is replaced....it is the most important part of the experience...

you see.....we all can like it for different reason......matters not what others think about it. it isnt stupid to us.



Nothing wrong with it.....I do not condemn....I would only make sure you are in control of your desire to drink so that the desire doesnt control you.

Totally agree with that. When I was hiding it, I would usually get one of those three glass cartons and split it over two days. Did this maybe 4 times over the course of 4 months. I’m done doing that. Not worth it!!!

 

[Endeavourer]

Your marriage is suffering from a slew of lovebusters (things that kill love for each other) and you are not meeting each other's emotional needs.

#1 Independent behaviors: Entitlement to behaviors and activities for one’s pleasures regardless of the other person’s feelings about it deduct from the other person's love bank account. His going on vacation without you, for example. Your drinking at home against his wishes also. Now this cuts all kinds of different ways.... he should not do ANYTHING that you are not enthusiastic about either. One person doesn't get to have all the say and do independent behaviors while enforcing against the other one doing independent behaviors. When you are at a stalemate long enough, one or both of you will start becoming enthusiastic about incremental solutions to your problems.

Example: you might be enthusiastic about his activity without you (with the kids) if he were enthusiastic that when you stay home alone during their recreation you will enjoy a glass of wine. If you’re going to be left at home without fun or relaxing while he goes relaxing, perhaps you’re not enthusiastic about him going so then he doesn’t get to go. At the end of the brainstorming, you both need to be enthusiastic about everything or else whatever you’re not enthusiastic about doesn’t happen.

There are many more ways than this where he is controlling and difficult. Our marriage has been shaky for awhile.

#2: Selfish demands: Demands made of the other that satisfy your desires at their expense. He can make selfish demands of you, but you don’t have to acquiesce. Just say “I’m not enthusiastic about that.”

The anatomy of an anger outburst is generally:
--person A makes a selfish demand of person B
--person B does not want to accommodate the selfish demand
--person A makes disrespectful comments and judgments about B to coerce B in to giving A his/her way
--B still does not want to experience the result of the demand
--person A escalates into an anger outburst in a further attempt to get his/her way.

So the silent treatment you are receiving is a form of an anger outburst. An anger outburst is meant to punish the other person for not giving in. They are very destructive to marriages. A marriage can survive and affair better than it can survive a spouse who uses anger to get his/her way

He treats me more like his child than wife.

This would cause any woman to fall out of love with her husband. Educating your spouse is very disrespectful, as is acting the part of the parent by making decisions without her mutual agreement. I’m not sure how he is treating you like a child, but if he wants his wife to be in love with him that needs to stop.

Happy marriages require that both spouses take the other’s needs and desires into account in all decisions.

What do you think of these links?
The Giver & Taker (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
The Policy of Joint Agreement (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)

Could you print them off and read them with your husband? Let him know this is how you feel your marriage can start moving in the right direction and see if he will agree to make decisions jointly with you so the needs desires of both of you will be accommodated in your lives?

Other question. He thinks I need AA. Does anyone think that the mere fact that I’ve been secretive about consuming a very small amount I would say, is enough to mean I have a problem with alcohol? I have asked God to show me and convict me if that is the case. I have just don’t feel like AA is the right thing for me. I will do it if he wants me to but boy will I feel out of place.

If your description of your alcohol consumption is correct, this is a disrespectful judgement on his part which he is using to coerce and shame you into giving him his way at your expense. He has climbed the scale of an anger outburst and is telling you he intends to stay there for a long time. You don't have to accept this treatment in your own home. Let him know his silent behavior is hurtful and you will not accept being treated in that way in your home. If he refuses to stop, I would either ask him to leave or I would stay somewhere else until he was willing to treat me with respect. A separation is not a divorce, and sometimes a separation can save a marriage and avoid divorce. If you separated every time he abused you this way he would learn to stop doing it.

 

[Endeavourer]

My husband will not back down until everyone agrees with him. He is VERY good at it. I truly pray the counselor will see beyond my lying and into what’s truly going on so we can move forward.

So this will be the end of your marriage unless he is willing to make decisions WITH you.

Having a marriage where both of you are in love with each other is worth not getting your own selfish ways. Demanding your way at the expense of the other is abuse, plain and simple.

 

[enealey]

Thanks everyone for your input. You’ve all given me a lot to think about. This has been helpful. There’s a lot more at play here too. I don’t want a divorce, but we will need to communicate a lot better to not be headed that way.

 

[Mark Quayle]

I want some real non biased truthful opinions here. I really want to get to the truth of what is healthy and what is not.


My husband and I were both raised in Christian homes, though still very differently. He was brought up extremely fundamentalist. No movies, no dancing, no alcohol. I was raised with a little more freedom. When we married, he did not want me to drink alcohol, so even though I had been brought up around it and it wasn’t a big deal to have a glass of wine now and then, I respected that. Fast forward to years later... he is still fundamental and dare I say “legalistic” with some things but over the past 10 years, things have relaxed a bit, especially in the area of alcohol. My parents will visit, and myself and them will share a bottle of wine at dinner. NBD. When my husband and I go on dates, I usually indulge in my favorite drink (red wine) and when I get together with my girlfriends, it is OK by my husband if I have a drink. The only thing he has asked is that we do not keep it on hand in the home. I do honestly respect this, and do not keep it in the home... but several times over the past 10 years, when I have an evening to myself where my kids and husband are gone and I have the house to myself, I have indulged in a couple of glasses to unwind. AND, over the past 10 years, he has on a few occasions caught me and been very very hurt by it. This most recent time I have done this, he told me I was choosing alcohol over marriage. I admit, I shouldn’t have lied about it. That was wrong of me.... but I also feel somewhat like it should be my choice to enjoy a glass of wine by myself and I should not have to ask permission. I fully admit to lying, but if we could back up to before the lie, do you all think it is controlling for him to not let me have freedom on this issue? I honestly feel like with all I have to deal with in the home, I deserve to just relax a little. I never drink excessively either. We are talking a couple of glasses every couple of weeks. I definitely should not have been hiding it, but I feel like I should not have been restricted either. I feel like it makes sense if I’ve shown that I have a problem with alcohol but really I have never been intoxicated in my life (except this one awful time in high school ). Now my husband and I have our first counseling appointment coming up. He thinks because I have been secretive about it, that I need to go to AA. What do you all think of this? Help me see what’s going on because the religious aspect, and the fact that it’s alcohol makes this a complicated issue in my mind. All I know is I would never tell him he couldn’t eat or drink something unless I saw problems. He would obviously say “well the problem is the lie” and I think he’s partially right but something still doesn’t feel right about this. I have discussed this with a closer personal friend of mine who is a Christian counselor and she thinks he is trying to control me. Please weigh in and help me see things clearly. Thanks!!

Having been married for 39 years to a very controlling wife, I sympathize with you.

I have many times lied or at least failed to tell her about things that I knew very well she would blow out of proportion, and so it simply wasn't worth bringing up.

To me, the spirit of "don't have it in our house" you have kept, and in my opinion he is attempting to enforce the letter of the agreement. Not being his sort of person, I can't really say why he wants to do that to the detriment of the relationship, unless, like you say, he finds it necessary to be controlling. From what I can tell, your failure to tell him about it has nothing to do with addiction, but about avoiding unnecessary confrontation.