Is husband controlling??

[Katya123]

I want some real non biased truthful opinions here. I really want to get to the truth of what is healthy and what is not.


My husband and I were both raised in Christian homes, though still very differently. He was brought up extremely fundamentalist. No movies, no dancing, no alcohol. I was raised with a little more freedom. When we married, he did not want me to drink alcohol, so even though I had been brought up around it and it wasn’t a big deal to have a glass of wine now and then, I respected that. Fast forward to years later... he is still fundamental and dare I say “legalistic” with some things but over the past 10 years, things have relaxed a bit, especially in the area of alcohol. My parents will visit, and myself and them will share a bottle of wine at dinner. NBD. When my husband and I go on dates, I usually indulge in my favorite drink (red wine) and when I get together with my girlfriends, it is OK by my husband if I have a drink. The only thing he has asked is that we do not keep it on hand in the home. I do honestly respect this, and do not keep it in the home... but several times over the past 10 years, when I have an evening to myself where my kids and husband are gone and I have the house to myself, I have indulged in a couple of glasses to unwind. AND, over the past 10 years, he has on a few occasions caught me and been very very hurt by it. This most recent time I have done this, he told me I was choosing alcohol over marriage. I admit, I shouldn’t have lied about it. That was wrong of me.... but I also feel somewhat like it should be my choice to enjoy a glass of wine by myself and I should not have to ask permission. I fully admit to lying, but if we could back up to before the lie, do you all think it is controlling for him to not let me have freedom on this issue? I honestly feel like with all I have to deal with in the home, I deserve to just relax a little. I never drink excessively either. We are talking a couple of glasses every couple of weeks. I definitely should not have been hiding it, but I feel like I should not have been restricted either. I feel like it makes sense if I’ve shown that I have a problem with alcohol but really I have never been intoxicated in my life (except this one awful time in high school ). Now my husband and I have our first counseling appointment coming up. He thinks because I have been secretive about it, that I need to go to AA. What do you all think of this? Help me see what’s going on because the religious aspect, and the fact that it’s alcohol makes this a complicated issue in my mind. All I know is I would never tell him he couldn’t eat or drink something unless I saw problems. He would obviously say “well the problem is the lie” and I think he’s partially right but something still doesn’t feel right about this. I have discussed this with a closer personal friend of mine who is a Christian counselor and she thinks he is trying to control me. Please weigh in and help me see things clearly. Thanks!!

I think you should stand up for your needs to be met. The counselor should be neutral and guide you both to compromise.

 

[Katya123]

This sounds like an issue you guys didnt see coming before you got married. Not judging. It is what it is. Maybe because he was raised a fundamentalist, and taught all the taboos concerning alcohol, he feels you do have a problem. Maybe that scares him and so he tries to control in this area. Nevertheless, whatever the reason, counseling is a great way to figure all this out. I highly suggest it. A third party will have tremendous value. You sound a little bit like you are in a defensive mode.. The fact is trust has been broken and maybe he feels he won't be able to trust you again. His silent treatment, however, is not the answer either. It sounds like you two are heading for counseling. I will pray that you both will be able to compromise in a way that will satisfy you both. Hope there will be healing and understanding in all areas. God will be faithful!

 

[Toro]

Depends on his motives honestly.

As husband and wife.... your body is now his and his body is now yours.

Its not always a out what YOU want to do but what the one with authority over you does.

It is no different than that of Christ and the Father. Not my will be done, but yours.

Of course Christ has authority over all, so IF your husband askes you to bow before an idol, then your obligation is to God, not to your husband.

IF your husband has the Spirit abiding in him and he in the Spirit... he will only be "forbiding" that which is not good for you. It is not even about submitting to him because it is him, but to the one who is in him.

A man that has the Spirit abiding in him and he in the Spirit is not likely to abuse his authority over you because, whike his place, as your husband is head as Christ is the head of the church.... you are his crown.....cas his own flesh he is to respect, love and honor you.

As for can you drink, as long as the Spirit in you has not told you not to... then yes, you are free to do so.... but it doesnt mean that doing so is of benefit.

Jesus said a wife is to respect her husband, which means if he doesnt want it on hand (his reasons are his own... he SHOULD communicate with you why.... but even if he doesnt.. if it hurts him that much... no matter if you see it as minor.. it matters to him..... not having wine in the house is a reasonable request. Controlling would be if he forbade you 100% from partaking in wine... ever.

I dont see myself putting that restriction on my wife, but if the Spirit in me said "Do not keep it in your house" I would certainly like for my wife to honor that by respecting me, if not for me, but her respect and love for the Lord and He telling her to respect me.

 

[EmmaCat]

My dumb question is: Why drink alcohol anyway?
It can kill your liver, ending up in health issues. Health stuff can be horribly expensive.

I'm just saying, you don't need it. I will pray for you.

All good things
Emmy

 

[Avniel]

I don’t think it’s wrong, my mother was brought up the exact same type of church. Women had to wear long skirts, never been to a movie theater. I think his view on alcohol isn’t biblical it’s socialization. However from his perspective he’s protecting and leading his family in the right way. His perspective is wrong but his heart is in the right place.

My mom cried when she heard me 22 and my brother 24 had a beer, she was hysterical.