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Is husband controlling??

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by enealey, Jun 27, 2019.

  1. enealey

    enealey New Member

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    I want some real non biased truthful opinions here. I really want to get to the truth of what is healthy and what is not.


    My husband and I were both raised in Christian homes, though still very differently. He was brought up extremely fundamentalist. No movies, no dancing, no alcohol. I was raised with a little more freedom. When we married, he did not want me to drink alcohol, so even though I had been brought up around it and it wasn’t a big deal to have a glass of wine now and then, I respected that. Fast forward to years later... he is still fundamental and dare I say “legalistic” with some things but over the past 10 years, things have relaxed a bit, especially in the area of alcohol. My parents will visit, and myself and them will share a bottle of wine at dinner. NBD. When my husband and I go on dates, I usually indulge in my favorite drink (red wine) and when I get together with my girlfriends, it is OK by my husband if I have a drink. The only thing he has asked is that we do not keep it on hand in the home. I do honestly respect this, and do not keep it in the home... but several times over the past 10 years, when I have an evening to myself where my kids and husband are gone and I have the house to myself, I have indulged in a couple of glasses to unwind. AND, over the past 10 years, he has on a few occasions caught me and been very very hurt by it. This most recent time I have done this, he told me I was choosing alcohol over marriage. I admit, I shouldn’t have lied about it. That was wrong of me.... but I also feel somewhat like it should be my choice to enjoy a glass of wine by myself and I should not have to ask permission. I fully admit to lying, but if we could back up to before the lie, do you all think it is controlling for him to not let me have freedom on this issue? I honestly feel like with all I have to deal with in the home, I deserve to just relax a little. I never drink excessively either. We are talking a couple of glasses every couple of weeks. I definitely should not have been hiding it, but I feel like I should not have been restricted either. I feel like it makes sense if I’ve shown that I have a problem with alcohol but really I have never been intoxicated in my life (except this one awful time in high school ). Now my husband and I have our first counseling appointment coming up. He thinks because I have been secretive about it, that I need to go to AA. What do you all think of this? Help me see what’s going on because the religious aspect, and the fact that it’s alcohol makes this a complicated issue in my mind. All I know is I would never tell him he couldn’t eat or drink something unless I saw problems. He would obviously say “well the problem is the lie” and I think he’s partially right but something still doesn’t feel right about this. I have discussed this with a closer personal friend of mine who is a Christian counselor and she thinks he is trying to control me. Please weigh in and help me see things clearly. Thanks!!
     
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  2. snoochface

    snoochface Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

    +2,663
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    Read Romans 14. We all have freedoms, but when our freedom would lead another believer to stumble in their walk, we are to limit our freedom for their behalf. Something in that chapter should apply to your situation.

    Also, a problem drinker allows drinking to become a problem - in relationships especially. Just food for thought.
     
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  3. SoldierOfTheKing

    SoldierOfTheKing Christian Spenglerian

    +2,129
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    There a plenty of establishments outside your home that will happily accommodate your desire for a glass of wine. No need to bring it into the home.
     
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  4. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    Can you have a glass of wine at a friends house or at a pub?
    Is there a compromise where he feels respected and you can relax without hiding it?

    The options are he either changes his hardcore belief or you have to abide the boundary or you try and hide it. So this is the power struggle you're facing in the marriage.

    You could say he is controlling or that he has been raised "extremely fundamentalist". Controlling is usually seen in all parts of the marriage, where the wife can't do anything without the husband's permission and controls her by rewards and punishments etc. Don't have enough info to evaluate control.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2019
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  5. enealey

    enealey New Member

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    There are many more ways than this where he is controlling and difficult. Our marriage has been shaky for awhile. He treats me more like his child than wife. I mostly do enjoy my drink now and then within the boundary. But he and he kids often go do a bunch of adventuring and vacations leaving me at home. I have a disability and it slows them down. Easier bit to have to deal with me there. This is also hurtful and so sometimes I justify it like I deserve this.... they get to go have their fun. I know it isn’t the amount of times I’ve crossed the boundary that really matters but I’ve had maybe two glasses of wine at home where it was wrong in 4 months probably. I am not even allowed to buy it to cook with and I love to cook. I see what everyone is saying. I’ve been selfish I guess.
     
  6. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +12,383
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    Short answer: yes, what you have described is controlling.

    It's not selfish to have a problem with controlling behaviour, but now you need to work out how to respond.
     
  7. enealey

    enealey New Member

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    Other question. He thinks I need AA. Does anyone think that the mere fact that I’ve been secretive about consuming a very small amount I would say, is enough to mean I have a problem with alcohol? I have asked God to show me and convict me if that is the case. I have just don’t feel like AA is the right thing for me. I will do it if he wants me to but boy will I feel out of place.
     
  8. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,368
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    I don't think "having some a couple of times at home over ten years" is the same as "keeping it on hand."

    This doesn't EXACTLY sound abusive to me, but I do think his attitude is a problem. I suggest you see a secular counselor and work this out.

    The fact that because you were secretive about drinking a couple times, because you knew it would upset him, does not mean you are an alcoholic.
     
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  9. enealey

    enealey New Member

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  10. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,368
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    Eastern Orthodox
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    I didn't see anything in your post, but I want to take this second to say that while I don't see this as exactly abusive (but maybe, depending on what else is going on), I agree that it is controlling.

    Drinking alcohol is not a crime or a sin. Maybe it would have been nice if you and he had been able to work this out before you were caught "being secretive," but oh well. Frankly, it sounds like he would not have been open to any wiggle room (is that right?) and it doesn't sound to me like you even crossed the "boundary" that you agreed to.

    He is in the wrong here. It is up to you how to respond to that.
     
  11. enealey

    enealey New Member

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    I was thinking the same. And won’t knkw quite what to say if I am made to go. We have a counseling appointment in two weeks. Until then, he is basically giving me the silent treatment mostly. He is answering my questions in front of the kids so they won’t worry, but I feel like he’s making an enormous deal out of this. I mean true... no one likes to be lied to. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I want him to forgive me and moving forward I will respect this.... a marriage isn’t worth a beverage. I wish it could be the other way. He does let me buy small quantities sometimes for cooking but he wants to see the receipt and me putting it into the food. It makes me so crazy. I don’t feel free.
     
  12. archer75

    archer75 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    This is abusive.
     
  13. enealey

    enealey New Member

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    The fact that I wasn’t keeping it on hand but still bringing it into the house when no one was around was my way of justifying it. I knew deep down he wouldn’t see it this way. No wiggle room on this. In fact I’m sure that I am no longer allowed any alcohol at all now. Bye bye wine.
     
  14. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    Oh okay. Well it could be on the control side then if you're being treated as a child.

    A marriage should be both partners feel respected, have needs and both are seen as adults. So this can be sorted out in marriage counseling.

    No, I don't think having a glass of red is selfish. Rather you are unable to have a need met which is 'to relax at home with a glass of red'.
     
  15. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

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    I think he needs to relax. There are WAYYYY bigger issues in marriages to worry about then if your spouse has a glass of wine or two. We are an italian family and most of the family has wine at dinner (not every day though).

    Honestly he should be thankful you are into wine instead of hard liquor. And sure you lied about it to him and had some when he wasn't there. But it's not like you had bottles of it and got drunk. I'd say your consumption is pretty much normal for someone who likes wine.

    Now, as for need AA. That's ridiculous. People that go to AA drink constantly, and its not wine. They are always drunk/hung over. They can't accomplish anything in life because they are drunk. They would sell the shirt off their back for a drink.

    You are not an alcoholic. My mom on the other hand is one. She drinks one to two bottles of wine a night and is super drunk. Every day she wakes up with a hang over. She should go to AA.

    The fact you say he goes off on vacations and what not but complains when you do something relaxing, makes him sound like he needs to talk to a counselor. Sounds like he is being selfish and trying to make you feel bad for doing what you enjoy. Maybe he's doing this because he actually feels guilt about something he's doing (and maybe not telling you). Projecting.

    Whatever the case he's overboard and needs an attitude adjustment.
     
  16. Paidiske

    Paidiske Clara bonam audax Supporter

    +12,383
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    I wonder whether it might be a good idea for you to have a chat to your GP in the meantime. You can discuss unhealthy behaviours around alcohol (and whether or not yours are any concern), and also explore possible supports and resources for you in dealing with controlling behaviour. It might be helpful to have an in-real-life professional to check in with.
     
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  17. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    No, you don't need AA but need marriage counseling so a neutral 3rd party can guide him to the way marriage should be run.
     
  18. enealey

    enealey New Member

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    United States
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    Thank you so much for everyone’s feedback. I truly want to come out of this better and in truth. No hard liquor!! A glass and a half of cab is enough for me in any given night! But I should probably prepare myself to give it up completely for the sake of my marriage. I am fully prepared to be hung out to dry in the counseling session.
     
  19. enealey

    enealey New Member

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    My husband will not back down until everyone agrees with him. He is VERY good at it. I truly pray the counselor will see beyond my lying and into what’s truly going on so we can move forward.
     
  20. Mel333

    Mel333 Active Member

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    I think you should stand up for your needs to be met. The counselor should be neutral and guide you both to compromise.
     
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