Idk if I'll even be genuine enough for God

[AmberB]

My name is Amber and this is the third time I've posted on here with a fear. It won't be the last, I know. I'm sorry that I keep posting about similar things, but I have to get it out and talk to people.

So, I've just recently been believing in God, and I've been fearing a lot. A lot of my fear has been OCD and Anxiety driven. One of my fears is that I did the unpardonable sin. I was a believer as a child then I just sort of fell out of it and once I was in a a state of disbelief, I said cruel things towards God: if He exists, screw Him, if He exists I don't want Him cause He seems cruel, etc. I obviously don't feel that way now and I feel terrible for what I did and I repented and I would never do it again. I wasn't really believing at the time, I was just saying it in the case that He did exist. The thought crossed my mind that He might, and I even pondered trying to explore it (maybe that was God trying to get me back?), but I any part of me that thought about it definitely didn't believe like I do now. I never said anything terrible like that when I did believe. And it wasn't like a knew He was real for sure and said that I rejected Him. I figured He wasn't. The only reason I said "if" was because I figured I didn't know everything so anything was possible, but I figured that He wasn't real. I was stupid. Now that I believe He is real, I would never reject Him. Ever.

Anyway, that's not the MAIN focus of this thread. The main focus is that I fear that I will never love Him genuinely enough or mean my prayers genuinely enough. I do have intrusive thoughts, so that may be why I feel like that.

But I'm still struggling with the love God part and being genuine in that love. Most of what drives me right now is out of fear. I blame that on my anxiety and OCD, and the natural fear of Hell, but what if I don't feel the love yet because I'm unsaved and forever will be?

I WANT to feel that love. Of course intrusive thoughts tell me that I want to feel it to save myself and maybe that's partially true, but I am trying. I tend to pray too much (is that even a thing lol) as a result of my OCD and I'm trying stop, and so my prayers don't even feel genuine. And when I repent, I get intrusive thoughts saying, "You didn't have an overwhelming feeling of sorrow, you didn't feel sorry ENOUGH, you don't really mean it, you're just sorry because you don't want to go to hell, etc."

I know I've just started this journey and I can't expect things to happen over night. One wouldn't expect to fall in love with someone the day they met them. You have to get to know them first. I expect it's the same way with God and Jesus. I just fear that it will never change for me.

I want to be with Jesus, but right now it's sort of out of fear of Hell (which I imagine is natural) and I'm trying to change it. Sometimes though when I think of Jesus, I do get excited and I just want Him to hold me and tell me that He loves me. I still feel like that is even selfish because once again it's "I want him to tell me I'm doing well, etc", but I'm trying to get to know him so I can love him back just as much. I know this takes time, such as human nature. I just fear it will never happen with me and that when I'm judged God will say that I wasn't genuine enough even though I've tried all my life (well I plan to anyway).

I know that I need to trust in God. That the more I learn and try to believe and put faith in Him, the more I will grow closer to Him. But I fear that maybe I really DID commit the unforgivable sin back then and THAT'S why I can't feel genuine enough. Maybe all this anxiety and OCD is my punishment on earth? But I want to be forgiven and saved. I want to love Jesus and God JUST to love them. I don't want to feel like this. I want God to love me and forgive me. I'm scared of Hell and I want to be in heaven. Selfish reasons or not, that is genuine. I want to walk with Jesus. I want God to carry me.

And sometimes, like when I visited Church of the first time since I was small, I feel and overwhelming amount of emotion. When I walked into that Church, I began sobbing. It felt good. I felt my fear melt away.

But now I fear it was just me comforting myself. That it wasn't because I'm saved or because I didn't commit the unforgivable sin, but because I was trying to convince myself.

When I have my obsessions, I begin balling and screaming when it comes to be too much. I beg for forgiveness and I feel terrible. When I first read about what the unforgivable sin really was and I realized that I may have committed it, I did get scared, but it wasn't immediate. Later in the night I figured I was going to Hell and I was so terrified I couldn't sleep. But my mind kept telling me that because I didn't have my usual meltdown at first and that I wasn't freaking out enough, it meant that I didn't care. That I wasn't genuine enough.

Not only do I worry about the unforgivable sin now, but I worry that I'm not genuine enough when I ask for forgiveness. I worry that when I do feel happiness, it's just me trying to convince myself that I'm gonna be okay, or even the devil doing it.

People have told me that because I'm trying to come back to God, that means I haven't committed the unforgivable sin. When I first started to believe again, I had been talking to my Aunt who is a huge believer and as I listened to her, it just kinda came to me. It wasn't out of fear at the time and it was right then that I prayed to Jesus that he come into my life. So I think that since I was happy about it, it must mean it was God right? If I HAD done the unforgivable sin, not only would I have not tried to follow God at all, but if I HAD, it would have been because I immediately KNEW I was damned and I was scared? Idk

But I fear that I wasn't genuine enough when I first asked Jesus to come to me. I mean, sure when you're starting out you may not be as heartfelt as a long time Christian, simply because it's new, but what if I wasn't genuine enough and what if the reason I never feel genuine enough in anything is because I never can be saved because of the horrible things I did before?

I know that I'll never truly know until I die, which is scary, but I just... I don't want to sin. I want to be with God. Selfish reasons or not, I want to. But I fear my past and possible lack of genuineness made it to where no matter how much I want to be fogiven, I never will be. I've heard people say that a person who truly has done the unforgivable sin, they will not want to repent. But what if that's not true? What if I have committed it, and I'm trying to repent because I know my fate and I'm scared? But when I first asked Jesus into my life a few weeks ago, this wasn't even a concern! I didn't even realize I may have committed the unforgivable sin until yesterday. Sure when I was saying it in the past, I knew that IF God existed, it was wrong (which scares me the most) but I didn't think that He did... And what if I'm just not genuine enough?

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi; those who love and trust the Lord Jesus need to keep 'looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith' (Hebrews 12.2). It's easy to become introspective, but best avoided. If we have a daily prayer and Bible reading habit, this can be a great blessing and keep us focused.

 

[Christie insb]

Hi; those who love and trust the Lord Jesus need to keep 'looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith' (Hebrews 12.2). It's easy to become introspective, but best avoided. If we have a daily prayer and Bible reading habit, this can be a great blessing and keep us focused.

So this is a short reply to a long question but if you realize that your OCD is not true and keep looking to Jesus, I think the long arguments with your OCD may decrease.

 

[God is good]

My name is Amber and this is the third time I've posted on here with a fear. It won't be the last, I know. I'm sorry that I keep posting about similar things, but I have to get it out and talk to people.

So, I've just recently been believing in God, and I've been fearing a lot. A lot of my fear has been OCD and Anxiety driven. One of my fears is that I did the unpardonable sin. I was a believer as a child then I just sort of fell out of it and once I was in a a state of disbelief, I said cruel things towards God: if He exists, screw Him, if He exists I don't want Him cause He seems cruel, etc. I obviously don't feel that way now and I feel terrible for what I did and I repented and I would never do it again. I wasn't really believing at the time, I was just saying it in the case that He did exist. The thought crossed my mind that He might, and I even pondered trying to explore it (maybe that was God trying to get me back?), but I any part of me that thought about it definitely didn't believe like I do now. I never said anything terrible like that when I did believe. And it wasn't like a knew He was real for sure and said that I rejected Him. I figured He wasn't. The only reason I said "if" was because I figured I didn't know everything so anything was possible, but I figured that He wasn't real. I was stupid. Now that I believe He is real, I would never reject Him. Ever.

Anyway, that's not the MAIN focus of this thread. The main focus is that I fear that I will never love Him genuinely enough or mean my prayers genuinely enough. I do have intrusive thoughts, so that may be why I feel like that.

But I'm still struggling with the love God part and being genuine in that love. Most of what drives me right now is out of fear. I blame that on my anxiety and OCD, and the natural fear of Hell, but what if I don't feel the love yet because I'm unsaved and forever will be?

I WANT to feel that love. Of course intrusive thoughts tell me that I want to feel it to save myself and maybe that's partially true, but I am trying. I tend to pray too much (is that even a thing lol) as a result of my OCD and I'm trying stop, and so my prayers don't even feel genuine. And when I repent, I get intrusive thoughts saying, "You didn't have an overwhelming feeling of sorrow, you didn't feel sorry ENOUGH, you don't really mean it, you're just sorry because you don't want to go to hell, etc."

I know I've just started this journey and I can't expect things to happen over night. One wouldn't expect to fall in love with someone the day they met them. You have to get to know them first. I expect it's the same way with God and Jesus. I just fear that it will never change for me.

I want to be with Jesus, but right now it's sort of out of fear of Hell (which I imagine is natural) and I'm trying to change it. Sometimes though when I think of Jesus, I do get excited and I just want Him to hold me and tell me that He loves me. I still feel like that is even selfish because once again it's "I want him to tell me I'm doing well, etc", but I'm trying to get to know him so I can love him back just as much. I know this takes time, such as human nature. I just fear it will never happen with me and that when I'm judged God will say that I wasn't genuine enough even though I've tried all my life (well I plan to anyway).

I know that I need to trust in God. That the more I learn and try to believe and put faith in Him, the more I will grow closer to Him. But I fear that maybe I really DID commit the unforgivable sin back then and THAT'S why I can't feel genuine enough. Maybe all this anxiety and OCD is my punishment on earth? But I want to be forgiven and saved. I want to love Jesus and God JUST to love them. I don't want to feel like this. I want God to love me and forgive me. I'm scared of Hell and I want to be in heaven. Selfish reasons or not, that is genuine. I want to walk with Jesus. I want God to carry me.

And sometimes, like when I visited Church of the first time since I was small, I feel and overwhelming amount of emotion. When I walked into that Church, I began sobbing. It felt good. I felt my fear melt away.

But now I fear it was just me comforting myself. That it wasn't because I'm saved or because I didn't commit the unforgivable sin, but because I was trying to convince myself.

When I have my obsessions, I begin balling and screaming when it comes to be too much. I beg for forgiveness and I feel terrible. When I first read about what the unforgivable sin really was and I realized that I may have committed it, I did get scared, but it wasn't immediate. Later in the night I figured I was going to Hell and I was so terrified I couldn't sleep. But my mind kept telling me that because I didn't have my usual meltdown at first and that I wasn't freaking out enough, it meant that I didn't care. That I wasn't genuine enough.

Not only do I worry about the unforgivable sin now, but I worry that I'm not genuine enough when I ask for forgiveness. I worry that when I do feel happiness, it's just me trying to convince myself that I'm gonna be okay, or even the devil doing it.

People have told me that because I'm trying to come back to God, that means I haven't committed the unforgivable sin. When I first started to believe again, I had been talking to my Aunt who is a huge believer and as I listened to her, it just kinda came to me. It wasn't out of fear at the time and it was right then that I prayed to Jesus that he come into my life. So I think that since I was happy about it, it must mean it was God right? If I HAD done the unforgivable sin, not only would I have not tried to follow God at all, but if I HAD, it would have been because I immediately KNEW I was damned and I was scared? Idk

But I fear that I wasn't genuine enough when I first asked Jesus to come to me. I mean, sure when you're starting out you may not be as heartfelt as a long time Christian, simply because it's new, but what if I wasn't genuine enough and what if the reason I never feel genuine enough in anything is because I never can be saved because of the horrible things I did before?

I know that I'll never truly know until I die, which is scary, but I just... I don't want to sin. I want to be with God. Selfish reasons or not, I want to. But I fear my past and possible lack of genuineness made it to where no matter how much I want to be fogiven, I never will be. I've heard people say that a person who truly has done the unforgivable sin, they will not want to repent. But what if that's not true? What if I have committed it, and I'm trying to repent because I know my fate and I'm scared? But when I first asked Jesus into my life a few weeks ago, this wasn't even a concern! I didn't even realize I may have committed the unforgivable sin until yesterday. Sure when I was saying it in the past, I knew that IF God existed, it was wrong (which scares me the most) but I didn't think that He did... And what if I'm just not genuine enough?

Hi, my name is Zack and I am a christian. I have also struggled with ocd and I still do, and I struggle with my love for God and I don't know why. I don't think you committed the unforgivable sin because you still care about God and about your salvation, just remember how much God loves you. God bless and Jesus is Lord. If you google grantley morris scrupulosity he really explains the unforgivable sin and he also has a lot of webpages about God's love for you. Jesus is Lord and He loves you.

 

[faroukfarouk]

So this is a short reply to a long question but if you realize that your OCD is not true and keep looking to Jesus, I think the long arguments with your OCD may decrease.

Sometimes these conditions can be helped with a combination of medical advice and also through Scripture reading and prayer.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi, my name is Zack and I am a christian. I have also struggled with ocd and I still do, and I struggle with my love for God and I don't know why. I don't think you committed the unforgivable sin because you still care about God and about your salvation, just remember how much God loves you. God bless and Jesus is Lord. If you google grantley morris scrupulosity he really explains the unforgivable sin and he also has a lot of webpages about God's love for you. Jesus is Lord and He loves you.

Hi Zack; ppl who worry about that particular matter have a conscience being stirred; and of course apostates have a seared conscience!

So like you say, good to keep focused on the Lord Jesus.

 

[Hieronymus]

I struggle too, with the question if i'm 'genuine enough'.
Frankly, i regularly doubt it.
I have a bit of a 'wait and see' attitude towards God and his promises.

 

[Tolworth John]

The main focus is that I fear that I will never love Him genuinely enough or mean my prayers genuinely enough

God is perfect. Perfect in his holiness, perfect in his Mercy, perfect in his Justice, perfect in his Understanding and of course perfect in his Love.

We can never match his Love in any way. All we are told to do is if we have ANY love for him then we are to seek to obey him.

Ever seen a todler with its Mother, who do you think has the greater love, the todler or the Mother?

Well todlerlove your God as best you can.
Keep taking what ever medication you have for your ocd and anxiety.

Remember only the Christian worries about loving, obeying God or about committing sin.

 

[discipler7]

But I'm still struggling with the love God part and being genuine in that love.

.
JOHN.14:
23 Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. 24 He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father’s who sent Me.
.
JOHN.15: =
7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. 8 By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.

JOHN.16: =
23 “And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. 24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

At ACTS.15:24-29, God has exempted new Gentile Christians from any law of Moses which is a burden, eg circumcision and kosher foods. They are not exempted from any law which is not a burden, especially morality laws, eg the Ten Commandments(EXODUS.20), DEUT.18:9-14, LEV.10:9 & 18:22, etc.
... In comparison, new Jewish Christians are required by God to continue to keep Moses Law, as many as possible, because it is not a burden to them.
... So, as a young Gentile Christian, you should learn to keep God's Law, ie those which are not burdensome, so that God/Jesus can bless you with a good/better and long/er life on earth = be joyful.

Those "Christians" who ignore God's Law/Word and wantonly or ignorantly commit sins/evil-deeds/law-breaking risk losing their salvation while suffering horribly for their sins, eg by cursing/blaspheming God/Jesus and die. Be warned by DEUT.28:15, JOB, 1COR.5:5 & 11:30, 1JOHN.5:16-19, HEBREWS.10:26-31, 1COR.6:9-11, REV.22:12-15, ie sins/evil-deeds/law-breaking have consequences - some may lead to a horrible early death(= risk losing salvation/faith) and some may not, eg convicted murderers are usually executed and traffic offenders only have to pay a fine.
... Being saved from hell after death rests solely on faith/trust/belief in Jesus as the Christ/Messiah/Savior.(JOHN.3:16, GALATIANS.2:16, eg LUKE.23:43)

P S - Patients should not skip their prescribed medication if it has been prescribed long term for their mental disorder, in order to avoid suffering horrible withdrawal symptoms. Such medication is quite costly.

 

[Monk Brendan]

So, I've just recently been believing in God, and I've been fearing a lot. A lot of my fear has been OCD and Anxiety driven. One of my fears is that I did the unpardonable sin. I was a believer as a child then I just sort of fell out of it and once I was in a a state of disbelief, I said cruel things towards God: if He exists, screw Him, if He exists I don't want Him cause He seems cruel, etc. I obviously don't feel that way now and I feel terrible for what I did and I repented and I would never do it again. I wasn't really believing at the time, I was just saying it in the case that He did exist. The thought crossed my mind that He might, and I even pondered trying to explore it (maybe that was God trying to get me back?), but I any part of me that thought about it definitely didn't believe like I do now. I never said anything terrible like that when I did believe. And it wasn't like a knew He was real for sure and said that I rejected Him. I figured He wasn't. The only reason I said "if" was because I figured I didn't know everything so anything was possible, but I figured that He wasn't real. I was stupid. Now that I believe He is real, I would never reject Him. Ever.

I get it. You've got OCD. But let's look at things and see if you're going to heaven or hell. First of all, you just started believing and cooperating with God. Anything that you did before you got saved is gone. It doesn't exist. You are a new creation. So fa, you're on the road to heaven! That's a good thing!

Amber, I've been cooperating with God for 40 years, now, and I can truthfully tell you that I still get extraneous thoughts. It's part of the human condition, something you have to live with. I am 66 years old.

If you can find a doctor that will understand you, get treatment--not laying on a couch, but the appropriate drugs. There are some.

BTW, Welcome to the CF.

 

[Blessed Each Day]

Hi Amber,
I've had the same problems that you're having; are my prayers truly genuine or am I doing it out of logical, earthly fear? I have GAD and OCD, and it's just something you have to work through and medication can help often times. I know others have said it, but only God is perfect; us humans are not. Try and be receptive to when God is trying to work through you, whether to read the scripture or help others when you can, but don't force it! It should come naturally, and just because it isn't happening often doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Keep reading His words, look for explanations of difficult passages when you need to (because I know I don't get anything out of a verse if I don't know what it means and there's experts to help with that.)

Intellectual doubt is very natural, and by dealing with questions head-on that arise, it helps us strengthen our spiritual bond. Don't pray because you feel you have to, it should also come naturally. God isn't going to like hearing you force a prayer when He knows it's not genuine. Pray for what you feel needs prayer. I feel like my post is a little all over the place, but just know that you're actively seeking to further your relationship with God; that's the fundamental block from which everything else will be built on

 

[AmberB]

Hi Amber,
I've had the same problems that you're having; are my prayers truly genuine or am I doing it out of logical, earthly fear? I have GAD and OCD, and it's just something you have to work through and medication can help often times. I know others have said it, but only God is perfect; us humans are not. Try and be receptive to when God is trying to work through you, whether to read the scripture or help others when you can, but don't force it! It should come naturally, and just because it isn't happening often doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Keep reading His words, look for explanations of difficult passages when you need to (because I know I don't get anything out of a verse if I don't know what it means and there's experts to help with that.)

Intellectual doubt is very natural, and by dealing with questions head-on that arise, it helps us strengthen our spiritual bond. Don't pray because you feel you have to, it should also come naturally. God isn't going to like hearing you force a prayer when He knows it's not genuine. Pray for what you feel needs prayer. I feel like my post is a little all over the place, but just know that you're actively seeking to further your relationship with God; that's the fundamental block from which everything else will be built on

Thank you very much! I struggle with praying for everything because I feel like everything I do is wrong. So I feel like I have to apologize for everything. I'm so obsessed with apologizing, I don't make time for a relationship to form.

And when I think about that, I fear one won't ever form because of what I said in the past when I didn't believe. I fear I'm out of reach of forgiveness.

 

[Blessed Each Day]

Thank you very much! I struggle with praying for everything because I feel like everything I do is wrong. So I feel like I have to apologize for everything. I'm so obsessed with apologizing, I don't make time for a relationship to form.

And when I think about that, I fear one won't ever form because of what I said in the past when I didn't believe. I fear I'm out of reach of forgiveness.

Well you've already got a relationship with God, and whenever you have a setback you ask for forgiveness; that's you letting God know you acknowledge whatever wrong you did and you're sorry. Obviously He already knows, but wants us to acknowledge our mistakes. So because you apologize a lot, don't think that means you have no relationship.

Now with respect to feeling like everything you do is wrong and always apologizing, unless you're going around punching people, throwing around f-bombs, and cursing God (obviously there's other stuff) you've got to think what exactly are you apologizing for? If its OCD-related, I'd be happy to help talk about whatever is causing it, because a lot of times its irrational, but our thinking pattern gets so set in stone that we forget any other thought process. I know, because I have it too, and it can be a drag, especially without any techniques to help deal with it.

As far as what you said in the past, you're never out of reach of forgiveness, so please remember that. I know it's probably not going to mean much coming from some stranger over the internet but you're NEVER out of reach of God's love; it's unconditional, and we all make mistakes. Sometimes we continue to make them habitually (I do), but as long as we're cognizant of them and try to correct them, we're on the right path

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

So this is a short reply to a long question but if you realize that your OCD is not true and keep looking to Jesus, I think the long arguments with your OCD may decrease.

Right. Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts,..if its what you truly desired OP...it wouldn't cause such fear in you... I have intrusive thoughts and you have to just ignore it and press on...realize your intrusive thoughts aren't a reflection of who you are.