I neglected my wife... now she has an internet love intrest...

[brokenarrow]

If anyone out there didn't already know... you can go to my "profile" and there is a "find all posts by brokenarrow" text that you can click on and find any other posts that I am making in other threads... I would surely hate to keep bliz busy chasing me around all over CF to keep you all informed of all my activities


Back to issue...

I guess I was going through the I'm hurt and "everyone should tell her how wrong she is" phase… pitiful… I am ashamed of myself… So I was wrong for letting this turn into a “who was the most wrong” thread… because this isn’t doing anything but stirring up more strife at home.
Both of us were wrong… and hopefully both of us are trying to change the things that threaten our marriage. If the whole thing were reversed and she were working long hours running a soup kitchen or something and I felt neglected so I started an internet affair it would still come down to the same thing we are both wrong and are we going to save our marriage? I hope the answer to that for both of us is YES!

I have also become defensive in here and "lashed out" at some of you... please forgive me, I am sorry...


Yes… I am very passionate about the calling on my life… and there is not a thing wrong with that except…when it becomes the only passion in my life and I am not equally as passionate about my wife and family… Well I am trying to change that, and I know some will tell her that I’m not… but time will tell… and… except for a serious situation that has come up with one of “my kids” I have been pretty scarce in their lives for over a month now…



I believe she is keeping her promise not to talk to ‘him” any more… and to be honest I have to really work on believing it because sometimes I still get that gut feeling that she is talking to him… even the last couple of days I have really had to fight it… BUT!!! … I have decided that I am going to believe her and put my trust in her, otherwise… we will never be able to get past this. I know she will read this and I want her to know that from the bottom of my heart... That I do believe her.



Again I ask…



Keep us in your prayers…



Brokenarrow

 

[selune]

Still praying. Remember when you have thoughts of doubt, that your wife probably has those same feelings regarding you talking excessively to the teens. Yes it will be a tough road.

 

[Cordy]

Broken Arrow,

Do I know you?

I guess I know that you are not the minister in our family (because of the country you live in etc.), but the man you remind me of talks very much like you.

One issue that has increased the harm in this minister (in our family’s circumstances) is that he can’t just simply say “I am wrong and I will change” or “I will take responsibility for everything I have done”. Instead, he tends to say things more like “we were all wrong her” or “we were all prideful”. This man is known for sharing the blame. Whether or not others are involved, he lightens his guilt by saying that everyone had a part. I think this is a bad practice.

If you are sorry and repentant, it is about you asking for forgiveness, and not mixing this with “but she is wrong too”. I know your wife’s interest in cyber boy is hurtful to you, and yes it is wrong to seek love from others in such a manner outside of marriage. But it seems as though you are relying on her wrong to lessen your own. I am by no means a mind-reader, but I have noticed this behaviour in the situation I have witnessed, and see the similarity here. Don’t focus on how others do wrong, but what you did yourself, and what you can do to correct your own behaviour.

peace

 

[bkg]

Yes… I am very passionate about the calling on my life… and there is not a thing wrong with that except…when it becomes the only passion in my life and I am not equally as passionate about my wife and family… Well I am trying to change that, and I know some will tell her that I’m not… but time will tell… and… except for a serious situation that has come up with one of “my kids” I have been pretty scarce in their lives for over a month now…

I've read through this thread again... And what I see is that you have a passion for ministry. But you don't have a passion for your family. You think things will be okay if: your wife ministers with you; you elevate your family to the same level of your ministry, but not above; you ease up for a bit until you wife comes around.... You are wrong.

I'm divorced. I've been in your shoes - I thought more about what *I* wanted than what was best for my marriage. This is exactly what you are doing right now - *you* want your ministry to be more important than your family. You'll have a hard time convincing me that this is a command to you from Christ.

Ministry is a great and wonderful part of being a believer, but you will have to ask yourself this question: what kind of ministry will you have - what impact on these kids will you have if they see that you have neglected your family? What impact will you have on these kids if they see that you treat your family the same way their fathers treat them? If you allow this ministry to destroy your family, you will have to bear the burden of explaining to each of your teenagers that you treated your children the way that their fathers treated them (neglect) but it's okay, because it was your wife's fault for not supporting your ministry.

It may seem apples and oranges to you, but to your kids, and the kids you minister to, the end result is all the same: the father put himself before his family.

Someone mentioned it earlier - the priority of needs:
Your PERSONAL relationship with Christ
Your WIFE
Your children
Your CHURCH...

If you put your ministry above any of these, you are making it an idol. God will not allow this. Trust me - I've been there. He has disciplined me heavily because of it.

Until you take responsiblity for this situation, you will not see restoration in your marriage. Stop focusing on what your wife did - frankly, it doesn't matter. Focus on what you have done and what you can do to change. How can you focus on the sliver in your wife's eye through the plank in your own (yes, I'm guilty of that as well).

God - Wife - Kids - Church. In that order. Or you could lose it all.

bkg

 

[brokenarrow]

No actually bkg... there is no such mandate in scripture about your priority list. The truth is that you make God the center of every area of your life job, play, home, church, walmart, etc... and it will all be balanced. My problem was that I "assumed" God was the center of our home life when in actuallity He wasn't. That is my fault intirely because I am responsible for spiritual leardership in my home. When God is the center, then your family is able to handle all the things that come with being a "christian" (like the christ) in everything you face.

Have you ever read foxe's book of martyrs? If they line up your family and say they are going to torture them one by one if you don't deny Christ... then God had better have been the center of your family... becuase the price is going to be too great if it wasn't.
I believe all of this was a wake up call for me to get my family in order spiritually becuase obviously we both are "out of order". I take full responisbility for my part in all of this, and we both will have to give an answer for all those that God has placed in our charge, not just our kids but every single one of them. I know the wieght of that. I know the wieght of loosing my family too.
This is all a war eph 6 that we both have to stand together in Him if we are going to get the victory over all this.

when the perimeter has been broken... when the enemy is in the camp...

brokenarrow

 

[selune]

Just be sure that your tactic isn't "God isn't the center of our family life so you all better fall in and start agreeing with my spending x amount of time in my ministry" Yes there are a lot of souls out there that need saving, but be sure not to lose the souls in your family causing them to resent God because you have misplaced priorities.

 

[bkg]

Just be sure that your tactic isn't "God isn't the center of our family life so you all better fall in and start agreeing with my spending x amount of time in my ministry"

This is what I keep feeling when I read his posts... "This is important to me, so it has to be important to the rest of the family because it has to do with God"...

I stand behind my last comments - if you have your priorities out of order, you will lose all of them. You can argue with me all that you want about the priority of needs being scriptural or not, but the bottom line is that you have to put your family first, or you will lose.
bkg

 

[bkg]

I've read through this thread again... And what I see is that you have a passion for ministry. But you don't have a passion for your family. You think things will be okay if: your wife ministers with you; you elevate your family to the same level of your ministry, but not above; you ease up for a bit until you wife comes around.... You are wrong.

I'm divorced. I've been in your shoes - I thought more about what *I* wanted than what was best for my marriage. This is exactly what you are doing right now - *you* want your ministry to be more important than your family. You'll have a hard time convincing me that this is a command to you from Christ.

Ministry is a great and wonderful part of being a believer, but you will have to ask yourself this question: what kind of ministry will you have - what impact on these kids will you have if they see that you have neglected your family? What impact will you have on these kids if they see that you treat your family the same way their fathers treat them? If you allow this ministry to destroy your family, you will have to bear the burden of explaining to each of your teenagers that you treated your children the way that their fathers treated them (neglect) but it's okay, because it was your wife's fault for not supporting your ministry.

Broken Arrow -

I'm curious. When you responded to my post, you neglected to address any of the above questions/comments. Is there any particular reason why? Were they irrelevant? Am I way off base? I'd really like to hear your thoughts.
bkg

 

[Leanna]

What did I start!?!? Honestly, if we beat a dead horse will it come alive again? No offense to anyone in particular, but I think letting this one die would be the way to go. He isn't listening anyway.

 

[bkg]

He isn't listening anyway.

This I agree with, and it saddens me. He's going to lose his family, and potentially his ministry, over pride. I would hate, and I mean HATE, to see this end in divorce...

 

[pegatha]

Well, we've given him a lot to think about, and I imagine it was pretty overwhelming. Now is the time let it all sink in and to be praying that God will change his heart.

 

[brokenarrow]

He's going to lose his family, and potentially his ministry, over pride...

Wow... it almost seems like you want to see me lose my family and everything in order to teach me a lesson... you guys are extremely negative... talk about "Job's comforters"!... It really doesn't seem like you hate the idea... more like you can't wait to say "I told you so.."...

.... I am still not sure what you guys expect to hear from me to satisfy that i have paid all the pentance that I owe for this?... In my heart I know I have repented of the attitude that left my family on the sidelines while I was at work for God... the only other thing I could do from here... is totally leave the ministry... And that would be the ultimate delima for me... can I be like Abraham and offer my family on that alter..? or do I walk away from God for my family's sake... (but I know that God says if you want to recieve.. then give... if you want to live.. then die...) so I know that walking away from God would be the worse thing I could do for my family. Then I would lose them for sure.

... and as far as pride goes.. lol.. i haven't had much of that in a long time... this has all been one of the most humbling things i have ever been through...

... so let's do this... you write it for me... you give me an example of the post or letter that you think sufficiently represents the change you believe I need to make to avoid losing my family over "pride"...? And since "ministry" seems to be the bad word here... i also want to hear from you what you think ministry is... where it starts and where it ends...

...if you think I am not listening to what you say you are wrong... I am taking it all into account... I really am trying to find that balance.... God's balance... not mine.. not my wife's idea.. lol and sorry.. not yours' either but God's...

Take care and may God richly bless you all...
brokenarrow

 

[sweatpea_ishere]

I honestly think that within a short amount of time he will continue to put his church, other kids, church events ,ect again in front of his family. I beleive he isnt "addicted" to GOD as he claims but to the power, popularity, and control he has over people in his group. Seems to be just an ego problem to me. I am confused about one thing though. If he is so into other kids in his youth groups or the interenet why does he have nothing to do with his own? Seems to me your own kids needs should come before a strangers. What will happen when his kids become some other ministers problems for he has neglected them for strangers. How will that make him feel?
I do believe his isnt listening to anyone who doesnt see eye to eye with him. I know ministering is very important to brokenarrow. ...but if his family isnt as into it as he is he should not punish them for it. THey can be supportive without being obsessed as he is. I may have a hobby, job, ect that I am obsessed with and I do not expect my spouse or child to feel the same passion as I do about it. I expect them to find thier own and share it with them. Not punish them for sharing the same passion. If he continues his children may resent the church all together for in their eyes it has caused problems within thier home not cured any.

 

[pegatha]

In my heart I know I have repented of the attitude that ... the only other thing I could do from here... is totally leave the ministry... And that would be the ultimate delima for me... can I be like Abraham and offer my family on that alter..? or do I walk away from God for my family's sake... And since "ministry" seems to be the bad word here... i also want to hear from you what you think ministry is... where it starts and where it ends...
brokenarrow

Brokenarrow, you must really feel like you're being picked on, and I'm sorry about that. But you still don't seem to get what we're saying. Haven't I said... not that ministry is bad... but that your primary ministry is to your wife and kids? Being a husband, companion, confidante, and encourager to your wife. Being a daddy, teacher, mentor, and example to your kids. Making each of them feel special and loved. Did you know that your children will subconsciously pattern their idea of God after you? If you are distant and uninvolved, that's how they'll see him. What if you "win" all those lost souls outside your family, and then lose your own flesh and blood?

So I hope you'll see that it's not God vs. your family. It never has been. Being a loving, godly husband and father is not ignoring God. A godly man sets the example for his church and for the kids in his outside, lesser ministry by showing them what how a Christian head-of-home treats his own family. The distinction you seem to be making (serve God vs. care for your family) is utterly false! That's what we're trying to tell you, and if we seem frustrated, it's because we just don't seem to be getting it across. It's just very disheartening for us to read things like, "(I) left my family on the sidelines while I was at work for God," which only show that you still don't think of your family as any part of your relationship with God.

 

[brokenarrow]

"left"... = past tense...




.....

 

[pegatha]

And "work for God" = "do something, anything, other than spend time being a good husband and father"? Spending time with your family is working for God! That's the whole point we're trying to make!

 

[brokenarrow]

And "work for God" = "do something, anything, other than spend time being a good husband and father"?

...again... putting words in my mouth I never said nor meant, neither are they in my heart at all.

I think what you are really trying to say is... that I have to quit being a minister?

brokenarrow

 

[bkg]

Wow... it almost seems like you want to see me lose my family and everything in order to teach me a lesson... you guys are extremely negative... talk about "Job's comforters"!... It really doesn't seem like you hate the idea... more like you can't wait to say "I told you so.."...

You are 100% incorrect, my friend. Nobody here, most of all me, wants to see you lose your family. Nobody wants to say "I told you so". Nobody here is even negative about this situation - we all are trying to show you what an opportunity you have to gain your family back!!!

.... I am still not sure what you guys expect to hear from me to satisfy that i have paid all the pentance that I owe for this?... In my heart I know I have repented of the attitude that left my family on the sidelines while I was at work for God... the only other thing I could do from here... is totally leave the ministry... And that would be the ultimate delima for me... can I be like Abraham and offer my family on that alter..? or do I walk away from God for my family's sake... (but I know that God says if you want to recieve.. then give... if you want to live.. then die...) so I know that walking away from God would be the worse thing I could do for my family. Then I would lose them for sure.

Not a single time has anyone asked or even suggested that you walk away from God or ministry for your family. Everyone here has stated, over and over and over and... that your family, from your own account, feels neglected, unloved, un-wanted, second class to your teen-agers. All that anyone has ever stated is that you MUST put your family first. Please - for their sake, for your sake, for your ministries sake.

Once again, I ask you to respond to my questions about your ministry. What will happen to your ministry if your kids see that you neglected your family like their fathers neglect them? Think about that! PLEASE! For your family, for your ministry!

As for this comment:

.... I am still not sure what you guys expect to hear from me to satisfy that i have paid all the pentance that I owe for this?...

It's comments like this that bring about comments of pride. I can't help but feel an attitude of "I repented - what else do you want?" or "I apologized and that should be enough". And there *IS* truth in those statements. But apologizing and asking forgiveness is not enough if you don't renew your mind and change your heart and start putting your family first. Actions will speak volumes to your family. Actions will speak volumes to the kids that you minister to. Actions will be what saves your family and brings them closer together... And all of those actions must be consistent and "over time".

BrokenArrow - nobody wants to see you lose your family over this. I know you don't want to lose them either! No one is asking you to turn your back on God either! But we are trying, desparately perhaps, to help you see what you have to lose here. We're probably trying too hard to get you to listen to what is an overwhelmingly unanimous opinion that you need to put your family first. Please, allow the defenses to drop for just a while and spend time with your family - put them first - with no phone calls, no one stopping by unannounced, no making your wife uncomfortable for the sake of others, no putting the children of others ahead of your own. Just try it - with a desparate heart. You will not lose your ministry, and you will not lose your call... but you will gain a wonderful family life.

Take care,
bkg

 

[brokenarrow]

... ok... maybe you need to understand what I believe the word "repent" means. Repent simply means "re": to do again or to go back in this case and "pent" means top like in pentical or penthouse... in other words it means to go back to the top or to God's way of doing things. To change from our way of doing things, and turn to God's way.

Like I have said from the beginning of this thread I know what it means to repent and I truly believe that I have... and I am repenting of my old way of neglecting my family. LOL.. if anything my wife probably thinks I am sufficating her and wanting to talk too much. So quit saying that I am still doing all these things and still going to lose my family! Becuase I am NOT..!
The only question for me is where is that place of balance. Fore example... Like I am over sensitive and jealous when it comes to cyber boy, she seems to be over sensitive and jealous with the other lady in my life (in my wifes eyes) and that is "doing" ministry.
I have certain minimal ministerial duties that requires my attention during the week... and the only way to not do those would be to resign. My wife knows i have greatly limited those activities but even so... the look in her eye still says "other woman".

To add fuel to the fire the ladies in here sugest "wife above all"... well... in order to do that I would have to quit. If even for a season... wouldn't that tell our enemy that all he has to do is stir this all up again if I ever tried to be a minister again?

And then when I see what their views of ministry is...

“Ministry is all consuming, very demanding work and it is also can be an ego stroking profession.” Bliz pg 3

It causes me to question what in the world is going on in their worlds to have such a dim view of the ministry. And if that is how I am viewed for putting on that coat then is anything I say or do going to really make a differance?

In all of this... it is almost as though some are saying... "see... I knew it.. none of those ministers are worth anything"...

Sure... I know now I made mistakes, I know now I hurt my wife, but it wasn't becuase I'm a "self centered dirty old man that only wants his ego stroked"... it was out of short sightedness... If you knew me at all you would know that I am anything but selfish. I give even when I have nothing left to give. That has been another "thorn in my wife's side" becuase I am so giving and so accepting of people that she see's it as weak and being taken advantage of. Not so. I willingly give becuase it is in my heart to do so. The thing is she brings balance to my life in that area... keeps me in check... which is good... but... at some point in there she still has to say... ok... he has heard me, I believe he hears from God... so I now submit to his decision. Sorry if that is not "PC".. but it is "BC".

There is NOTHING that I would not do for my wife... for my family... I have even seriously considered stepping down from ministry even knowing that I would never be allowed to do it again. If I truly believed in my heart of hearts that was the best thing to do for my family then I would do it in a heartbeat. The thing is I know better.

Everything I say in here gets twisted into.. "he is saying this but he really means that"... how unfair is that!? ...sorry.. but you all have been wrong trying to second guess me from the beginning.

True... I am devoted to the calling on my life... but not any more so than the calling I have to serve my family. I use to not be that way.. but I am now... becuase I understand what it is to repent.

I understand that ministry is serving God... In whom ever He sends me to... whether it be my wife, my kids, or into Africa or South America...

My wife is the second best thing that has ever happened to me... and I hope that I am the second best thing that has ever happened to her...

Hopefully she knows that... and hopefully she sees how much I do love her and that I am really trying to get all of this right. I know I will make mistakes... but hopefully she sees my heart in all this... and that being second to God... is a good thing

I have probably said too much again...

brokenarrow

 

[The Smiling One]

I'm all for the surprise weekend!!! With some loving discussion mixed in!!!!!!!

Yep, that's the way to go. Hotel rooms don't usually have computers in them either