I neglected my wife... now she has an internet love intrest...

[brokenarrow]

I am a minister. A husband. and a father.

In my zeal to win the world my wife is telling me that I have lost her.
I love my wife dearly... even though I have poorly demonstrated it.
Now I find that she is less interested in me and more interested in some man she has met online... that she is not wanting to try to love me anymore.
I have repented... I have asked for forgiveness... I am changing the way I treat her.
I have even told her that I forgive her for this "online affair"...
Still all she wants to hold onto is the things I have done.. or not done to hurt her.
She wants to meet him.
I have never and would never cheat on her. I fear God too much. I love her too much. I love our three kids too much to see the look of betrayal on thier faces.

My heart is breaking... I am nothing. I have failed.

Pray for me.

 

[Ruhama]

Prayed for you.

 

[bkg]

A lot of people will say it takes two to fix a relationship, and they are 100% correct.... But not on who the "two" are.

It takes you and God...

You: To dedicate yourself to the Lord, constantly seeking His face and His will. Being obedient in every way. Constantly checking your life, your actions, your thoughts, your feelings against His word. Dedicating yourself to Him, and Him alone. (I should take some of my own advice here....) To pray for your situatoin, for God to reveal to you anything you may have done or anything you may need to do. To pray for your wife, her heart, for God to place a hedge of Thorns around her. Humble yourself to Him, pray His will be done, be an obedient child of God.

God: To be God. To do what only He can do: Turn her heart from a heart of stone to heart of flesh. To put that hedge of thorns around her. And ultimately, to Restore a Marriage.

My $.02.
bkg

 

[Mayzoo]

You are not nothing. You are a child of God. You, as a minister, are his voice. I you AND your wife.


This may be way off base, but in dealing with this crisis in your marriage---be her husband, not a minister. Get counseling together or alone if you must. You cannot be the husband, and the minister (objective advice wise) in your own marriage--IMO.

 

[herev]

As a fellow minister, I understand your struggles. My wife and I are in the early stages of our relationship and we work hard to make time for each other. I will pray for you and your wife. If you wish to speak to me privately, PM me--I'll work it out.
God bless

 

[brokenarrow]

When I said "I am nothing"... I said it from the light of 1 Cor 13

2. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
5. does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
6. does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
7. bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8. Love never fails.

I so willingly gave myself to others... but was so short with my own.

A thermometer it tells you the temperature of something... it is not a judment call... it simply is what it is...
...so when you put in this "word"ometer it took my temerature too... i would give my body to be burned... but I didn't show love to my own... so it found my temperature to be zero... nothing.

We do have our first counsiling scheduled this week with a minister from another town that does not know either of us.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and most of all for your prayers.

She told me last night that for "us" to work that she would have to cut it off with him... this will be the third time she has told me that she will not talk to him any more. I can choose to believer her or not...
I choose to believe her. I choose to love her. I choose to forgive her.

We are redeemed from the curse.

Please Pray...
Brokenarrow

("broken arrow" was the code signifing that the lines of defense had been over run by the enemy... and it calls in all air support... or prayer support in this case)

 

[IslandBreeze]

It's not too late to book a hotel for the weekend and get a babysitter. Spend some time together with no other distractions around. And surprising her with a weekend away could win you big brownie points.

 

[selune]

Saying a prayer for you both.

 

[wannagohome]

It's not too late to book a hotel for the weekend and get a babysitter. Spend some time together with no other distractions around. And surprising her with a weekend away could win you big brownie points.

This is a good idea. If husbands did this more often, took the initiative for romance, their would be stronger marriages everywhere. Good luck brokenarrow! God Bless, I hope it works out for you and your wife. Jen

 

[Jenna]

Edit: You might want to consider turning off your internet connection until it's proven that she can fight with you through the difficult times without turning to someone else when she gets upset.

 

[GirlieGirl]

How long has all of this been going on?

As in, how long did you neglect her?
How long has this online relationship lasted?

 

[Gerry_NY]

Edit: You might want to consider turning off your internet connection until it's proven that she can fight with you through the difficult times without turning to someone else when she gets upset.

Well, I personally think that that could just upset her more, and make her do something out of spite. It may cause her to sin even more.
My wife and I went through this a few years ago when she was talking to a man online...much older than she, but that's neither here nor there. She wouldn't talk to him if I was in the room, she would kick me out of the room so she could talk to him. He sent her nude photos. SHe thought I was wrong for being upset. She got mixed with a friend who wasn't a Christian and she started turning away from God and from me. I have an inkling there may have been plans to meet.
Then, I believe the Holy Spirit moved in her and made her feel guilty for what she was doing. She told me she was getting lonely because I worked a lot of night time hours. I forgave her...sometimes I still think of it, but that's just the Devil playing with my thoughts.
It may take awhile broken arrow, but I will be praying for you.
Keep the faith, God will see you through this. Themore close someone is to God the more he will attack you. Don't falter to his attacks.
YOur wife may no see what she is doing right now. SHe is angry or lonely or something. I have no other advice my brother in Christ. Keep strong.

 

[Jenna]

I was the neglected wife, had the online relationship, shared the nude photos, met the person, etc. It's not as though I'm speaking out of a place of complete ignorance. (took a lot of guts to say that, btw)

I'm not suggesting that her nose be rubbed into anything for being a 'bad girl'. There are nice ways to do just about anything. It can be explained as being a healthy way of making sure that the couple gets enough together time. A way to minimize distractions and put their focus more on God, and their relationship. The time can be better filled by doing special things together. What it does accomplish though are relapses concerning turning to other men when she is having a need that isn't met. Believe me, it is a hard habit to break. Until she gets used to always coming to her husband, and staying away from other men when she is vulnerable, she might actually need help. So long as it is done in a loving and non-confrontational way, I don't see how a good woman would have a problem with it unless she were spoiling for a fight, honestly. I bet that if the time were filled well, she wouldn't even miss it.

Of course, this for the poster and his wife to work out, and to determine what is best for them. I just figured that I would throw something in there that worked well for us when we were having difficulties.

 

[E_Powers]

i feel sorry for couples in this situation. if used correctly the Internet is a good thing, but there are many people out there who prey on people like your wife and pretend to be a nice person just to get one thing. and some how some way your wife needs to learn, that is all this guy wants. and it cannot be you who reveals this to her as she may not listen


my parents went thru all of this and have not recovered from it. They are split up and stagnant to the point of divorce. it pains me to see them like that because they have both confessed to me at differant times that they still love each other.

and i also learned you need to court your wife every day even after your marriage

 

[desi]

I am a minister. A husband. and a father.

In my zeal to win the world my wife is telling me that I have lost her.
I love my wife dearly... even though I have poorly demonstrated it.
Now I find that she is less interested in me and more interested in some man she has met online... that she is not wanting to try to love me anymore.
I have repented... I have asked for forgiveness... I am changing the way I treat her.
I have even told her that I forgive her for this "online affair"...
Still all she wants to hold onto is the things I have done.. or not done to hurt her.
She wants to meet him.
I have never and would never cheat on her. I fear God too much. I love her too much. I love our three kids too much to see the look of betrayal on thier faces.

My heart is breaking... I am nothing. I have failed.

Pray for me.

Forgiving her before she is sorry is foolish. You should be mad.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

IMO, your wife doesn't REALLY KNOW WHAT SHE IS DOING! She is playing with fire and she doesn't realize it. She may TELL YOU that she does, but believe me............she doesn't. You have three children? You are the head of the house. It's time to assert yourself as head of the house. Honestly, I think the best thing would be for you to take that computer and throw it as far as you can throw it!!! As long as it is sitting there, waiting, she knows the "other man" is there. That's what the computer represents: escape from her problems. For the sake of your children: ACT NOW! I know what I am talking about. The pull and lure of an internet affair is very strong, and she is too weak in her faith to fight it. Take the temptation away! GET RID OF THE COMPUTER! You don't have to throw it away, just take it and put it in storage somewhere where she cannot get it. But you also need prayer and all because she can still go to the library and get on the internet.........................I just wouldn't make it easy for her. I'd also lay down the law that if she is caught on the internet there are going to be repercussions......etc. She is addicted to this man.

 

[Cordy]

I would move gently. I think Jenna has the right idea. Remove the computer and in its place show her how much you love her. Take her out to dinner, away for the weekend or make her incredibly romantic dinners at home. Live up to your vows, that you are the husband that gave himself completely to her for life. Show her that you are the only man she could ever want or need.

I would not lay down the law. Most women want to be treated as people, not disciplined children. Don’t break her as a person, (leave the breaking and moulding up to God), but win her back. If you lay down the law and inflict strict rules on her, you risk a big chance that you will only push her away. It could give her another apparent reason why she wants to leave. But if you act in gentleness and love, showing that you deeply love her and spend so much time with her and demonstrating such love to her that there is no room for anyone else, you can win her will back to you.

 

[WashedClean]

I would move gently. I think Jenna has the right idea. Remove the computer and in its place show her how much you love her. Take her out to dinner, away for the weekend or make her incredibly romantic dinners at home. Live up to your vows, that you are the husband that gave himself completely to her for life. Show her that you are the only man she could ever want or need.

I would not lay down the law. Most women want to be treated as people, not disciplined children. Don’t break her as a person, (leave the breaking and moulding up to God), but win her back. If you lay down the law and inflict strict rules on her, you risk a big chance that you will only push her away. It could give her another apparent reason why she wants to leave. But if you act in gentleness and love, showing that you deeply love her and spend so much time with her and demonstrating such love to her that there is no room for anyone else, you can win her will back to you.

I agree with this but would also add that she needs to take some responsibility as well. Just because you neglected her, doesn't mean she had the right to do this. She needs to know this is not acceptable in your eyes and that you will not tolerate it ever again.

I speak from experience. I was involved in an Internet relationship about 7 years ago. This was before I became a Christian. When my husband found out, we agreed to put the computer in storage for a while. For about 2 years we had no computer. Then, after much therapy on my part, I was strong enough to resist it. I learned in therapy that one of the reasons the Internet relationship had so much allure was that I could keep myself at a distance and with little risk. I never met or spoke with him and it was all a fantasy.

Anway, I will pray for you and your wife. With God, all things are possible. Please don't beat yourself up too much. God has forgiven you and you need to do the same. This will take work, but God wants your marriage to succeed!

Love in Christ,

WashedClean

 

[nuarc]

Things take time you know- you guys didnt grow apart over night. You apologizing wont make things magically ok overnight. You must take your time, and learn to love one another again.
And please dont just go out on your own and throw away the computer- that is just about the silliest thing you could do. I do believe that the computer is causing some of the friction in the relationship, but your wife also needs to come to this realization and you should throw it out together. Throwing it out on your own may cause even more problems- especially if she feels disrespected, or that you are treating her like a child.

 

[bliz]

Personally, under these circumstances, I would hitch-hike on a dangerous highway in the middle of the night to escape a "romantic" weekend right now! A weekend of attention and sex does not fix this situation! It would be an attempt to plaster over a hole in the wall. Reconstruction work needs to be done before a coat of plaster is applied.

I don't understand why everyone is jumping on your wife! I'm not condoning her actions, but you admitted from the get-go that she turned to her internet relationship only after she had been neglected for some time.

This relationship can be restored and healed. We have a God who is in the business of putting back together that which has been broken. It takes time to heal and re-trust and it takes actions by both husband and wife to show, over time, that things will be different.

I encourage you to look for prayer support. Becasue you are a central player in your church''s life, Satan will seek to take advantge of this situation. Call some old, out-of-town friends and say something like "I have done some things that have caused problems in our marriage that we are working on. Will you please pray for me and my wife and my church daily, and especially pray for protection against the Evil One as we work to bring glory to God out of this difficulty."