I had an affair with a married woman. I am an awful person.

[~Anastasia~]

As a reminder to all:

This thread is posted in Christian Advice. This is a forum to offer advice to the original poster. Members SHOULD NOT BE DEBATING ONE ANOTHER HERE. If you wish to debate the proper Christian course of action in a similar situation, I suggest opening a thread in General Theology (but for the sake of the OP, please don't quote this thread or talk specifically about his situation). You can discuss the principles there though. Thank you.

 

[JoeP222w]

Lustful INTENT. You know what that means? Your INTENTION is to commit that sin. If you intend to do something then Jesus says that it is AS IF YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE IT.

The only thing that stops an intention is a lack of chance and no opportunity.

First part I agree with. But the last part of your statement logic does not follow, nor does the text say that. Man's heart is inherently depraved and bent towards evil. I do not see where it needs a "chance" or "opportunity" for it to be sin. Man is not neutral in his sin.

Emotional attraction does not necessarily mean that the man wants to have sex with the married woman.

No, and I did not say it does, but it could. But it is certainly improper for a man to foster an emotional attraction to the point where the woman of another man kisses him on the cheek. Clearly that was not his first encounter with her. By his description, he had built up a relationship with the woman.

I think it is you who are not reading what Jesus is saying here.

You have not demonstrated that, only asserted it.

 

[Vicomte13]

Simple direct advice:
Say nothing to anybody. Thank God you did not step over the precipice into outright adultery. You have placed this cross on your back, now bear it patiently and silently.

If you go talk to Jeff, it will be to make yourself feel better, but it will damage HIM for the rest of his life with her. So swallow your pain and live with it in yourself, but DO NOT go share it with him. He didn't do anything wrong to you. Giving him that information WILL be doing more wrong, to him. To make yourself feel somehow better. You have no business trying to make yourself do better at anybody else's cost.

Suffer in silence and move on with your life.

Don't be mean to the woman either. This was as much your doing as hers. Recognize the weakness, say you're sorry, and leave it at that. Swallow the pain and suffer with it for a good long while. Eventually it will fade. That is your penance: to live in pain for awhile. That's where you will gain the wisdom that such an event will give you.

You've already talked to God about it. Don't go talk to any pastor. You're not a Catholic, there's no priest to confess to. You don't believe that the pastor can absolve you of your sin. All he can do is help you "bear your pain" - but at the expense of letting out a secret that can damage a woman and her husband. So don't go share. Bear your pain yourself. Completely. Are you a bad person for this all? Sure. Of course you are. We're all bad in some ways. None of us is good. This is one of the aspects of your badness. Others have the same or different sins or crimes. Confess them, and the authorities, or the badness of other human judges, will be sure to take their pound of flesh from you. People delight in that.

Do not expose yourself to that. Take the pound of flesh out of yourself, in guilt and pain for awhile. Bear it in silence. It will dull in time. Let it. Move on, wiser. You won't do this again, and you can help others who fall into the same pit - by telling them to suffer and bear their guilt in silence, because that is absolutely the right thing to do here. Don't make it worse by talking to others about it. It's YOUR BURDEN to bear alone, not theirs. Don't share it.

 

[VineyardWorker]

Yep and so is gossip, and that probably destroys more folks in churches than "lust" in a person's mind that is not acted on.

Nicely said. What does God hate:

These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren. (Proverbs 6:16-19 KJV)

1. Pride
2. Lies
3. Murderers
4. Wicked hearts
5. Mischief makers
6. Liars
7. Gossipers and Liars

Lies and Liars .. stated THREE TIMES.
Nothing about sexual immorality .. funny

 

[sethrak]

He ether was about to take a bite of the apple or would like a pat for being liked by another's wife. The medicine for this is absence, get out of their lives and away with yours.

My nephew came to me with a story very like this, with further probing, he was proud and wanted encouragement~some of us have been there~looking back~did we do the right thing~or

seth

 

[VineyardWorker]

First part I agree with. But the last part of your statement logic does not follow, nor does the text say that. Man's heart is inherently depraved and bent towards evil. I do not see where it needs a "chance" or "opportunity" for it to be sin. Man is not neutral in his sin.



No, and I did not say it does, but it could. But it is certainly improper for a man to foster an emotional attraction to the point where the woman of another man kisses him on the cheek. Clearly that was not his first encounter with her. By his description, he had built up a relationship with the woman.



You have not demonstrated that, only asserted it.

Im sticking with the content of the opening post and not adding to it.

1. There is emotional attachment
2. The woman kiss him on his cheek
3. There is no other physical contact.

So far there is no sin. Sin comes by doing the following:
1. Adultery [per the law of Moses]
2. Intention to commit adultery [per Christ]

None of these happened from what I can gather.
There is no sin.

Just my 2 cents

 

[VineyardWorker]

Simple direct advice:
Say nothing to anybody. Thank God you did not step over the precipice into outright adultery. You have placed this cross on your back, now bear it patiently and silently.

If you go talk to Jeff, it will be to make yourself feel better, but it will damage HIM for the rest of his life with her. So swallow your pain and live with it in yourself, but DO NOT go share it with him. He didn't do anything wrong to you. Giving him that information WILL be doing more wrong, to him. To make yourself feel somehow better. You have no business trying to make yourself do better at anybody else's cost.

Suffer in silence and move on with your life.

Don't be mean to the woman either. This was as much your doing as hers. Recognize the weakness, say you're sorry, and leave it at that. Swallow the pain and suffer with it for a good long while. Eventually it will fade. That is your penance: to live in pain for awhile. That's where you will gain the wisdom that such an event will give you.

You've already talked to God about it. Don't go talk to any pastor. You're not a Catholic, there's no priest to confess to. You don't believe that the pastor can absolve you of your sin. All he can do is help you "bear your pain" - but at the expense of letting out a secret that can damage a woman and her husband. So don't go share. Bear your pain yourself. Completely. Are you a bad person for this all? Sure. Of course you are. We're all bad in some ways. None of us is good. This is one of the aspects of your badness. Others have the same or different sins or crimes. Confess them, and the authorities, or the badness of other human judges, will be sure to take their pound of flesh from you. People delight in that.

Do not expose yourself to that. Take the pound of flesh out of yourself, in guilt and pain for awhile. Bear it in silence. It will dull in time. Let it. Move on, wiser. You won't do this again, and you can help others who fall into the same pit - by telling them to suffer and bear their guilt in silence, because that is absolutely the right thing to do here. Don't make it worse by talking to others about it. It's YOUR BURDEN to bear alone, not theirs. Don't share it.

Good advice. Too many Christians are making a big deal out of it.

 

[MercyandFaith]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback so far - great feedback - it means a lot to me.

Some other thoughts:


1. While the advice is great, much of it is contradictory (which is because there are many different people of different opinions replying, of course)......I am still just as confused about what to do as before.

2. I forgot to mention that Wendy is also on the worship team, and Jeff sometimes participates as well.

 

[sethrak]

Right, stay in there and keep this thing going, it'll be fun~

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Here is the truth Jason. Those words of Jesus can be applied across the board to any sin.

This is true: The mental equivalent is the same as the physical act; For example: Hating your brother is like the physical act of murder. But the spiritual consequences are the same. Jesus said you are in danger of hellfire if you lust after a woman (Please see Matthew 5:28-30). If one hates their brother, there is no eternal life abiding in them. In other words the mental act of sex or hating your brother (by chasing after his woman) leads to spiritual death, separation from God and His salvation (if such a sins are not repented of; For repentance see 1 John 2:1, 1 John 1:9, and 1 John 1:7 cf. Proverbs 28:13, Matthew 12:41, and Jonah 3:6-10).

What Jesus means is that a man would commit a sin IF GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY is like if that man has committed that sin, because he committed it in his heart

That is totally false. Nowhere does Jesus say anything of the kind. Jesus did not say that if all men were given the opportunity to sin they would then sin. That is insane. Scripture says,

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1 Corinthians 10:13).

. If a man would steal a million dollars if given the opportunity and if nobody finds out, then it is like he committed that sin.

A person lusting after something that is not his is coveting and a grevious sin.

In the case of adultery, a man IF HE HAD THE CHANCE, would commit adultery with a woman, is like if he actually did it. In this case the poster appears to have had the chance, he had opportunity, but he was strong enough TO RESIST. This man deserves an award. He has committed no sin. Emotional attraction is not a sin.

Again, several problems here.

#1. Scripture says what God has joined together, let no man separate. To violate God's will is a sin.
#2. To see a woman who is married can cause jealousy with the husband or bad thoughts or actions towards the interferring party is not moral and good.
#3. We are commanded to love the brethren and not sow discord. Getting in the middle of somebody's marriage is not being loving to either the fellow believing woman and fellow believing man. We are called to love more than just with our words, but we are called to love with our actions, too. We are to pick up our cross and deny ourselves and follow Jesus.
#4. Intentionally meeting up with a person to share your romantic feelings to a married woman who is not happy in her marriage is not wise. It can lead to all sorts of problems if one is weak. It also might lead the woman to take aggressive action to be intimate with the man who met up with her.
#5. You yourself have said the best course is to avoid after such an incident. I am for that stance. But I would be for it being in the beginning and not for it to happen later. A believer in Christ should never seek to do anything that could cause marriage trouble from the start. Meeting up and sharing romantic feelings is enough to do that. It can lead a person down the wrong road.


...

 

[Bible Highlighter]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback so far - great feedback - it means a lot to me.

Some other thoughts:


1. While the advice is great, much of it is contradictory (which is because there are many different people of different opinions replying, of course)......I am still just as confused about what to do as before.

2. I forgot to mention that Wendy is also on the worship team, and Jeff sometimes participates as well.

I do not mean to intrude, and you do not have to reply; But did you have lustful thoughts towards her?


...

 

[~Anastasia~]

FOLKS PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE REQUESTS TO ABIDE BY THE RULES.

If you need more clarification, this is from the Statement of Purpose for Christian Advice:

We would ask that members direct their responses to the member who started the thread and refrain from debating one another's theological beliefs and viewpoints. Do not use this forum to debate with other Christians as that is not the purpose of the Christian Advice forum. If members would like to discuss/debate specific Christian theological doctrines, they should do so in one of the Theology forums.




If you have questions, please ask. But posts should NOT be taking place between anyone except the OP and the replying member.

Thank you for your cooperation.

~Anastasia~
Senior Ambassador

.

As a reminder to all:

This thread is posted in Christian Advice. This is a forum to offer advice to the original poster. Members SHOULD NOT BE DEBATING ONE ANOTHER HERE. If you wish to debate the proper Christian course of action in a similar situation, I suggest opening a thread in General Theology (but for the sake of the OP, please don't quote this thread or talk specifically about his situation). You can discuss the principles there though. Thank you.

 

[woobadooba]

I am still just as confused about what to do as before.

Ask God for wisdom, and do what He says. People can tell you all kinds of things, but God knows best. But one thing is for sure, you need to tell the woman you are not interested, and remind her that whether she is happy with her husband or not, it is better for her to take her burdens to a qualified marriage counselor, not to someone she has intimate feelings for. If you don't set boundaries with her, things will get ugly. And you will have a worse problem on your hands.

 

[VineyardWorker]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback so far - great feedback - it means a lot to me.

Some other thoughts:


1. While the advice is great, much of it is contradictory (which is because there are many different people of different opinions replying, of course)......I am still just as confused about what to do as before.

2. I forgot to mention that Wendy is also on the worship team, and Jeff sometimes participates as well.

Are you still talking about those two?
Move along with your life.

 

[RaymondG]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback so far - great feedback - it means a lot to me.

Some other thoughts:


1. While the advice is great, much of it is contradictory (which is because there are many different people of different opinions replying, of course)......I am still just as confused about what to do as before.

2. I forgot to mention that Wendy is also on the worship team, and Jeff sometimes participates as well.

Since everyone is confusing you, I would suggest rereading Post 61

Ultimately, you are the one who will have to live with and relive the consequences of your actions and reactions. It is best that you now decide how you want the situation handled when you are on the other side (the husband) and handle this situation the same....

 

[aiki]

I know I have committed a really, really, grave sin. And I am asking for advice as to what is the path forward.


1. Jeff knows that Wendy likes me; she had told him so directly. So, it might make sense to confess to Jeff himself, because if I don't, he might think things are actually worse than what they are (he might think we've been having sex, when we haven't, etc.) Plus, he is the offended party so to speak. And to top it all off, I am on the worship team, and I do not think it is right for me to lead worship when a brother has something against me (as Jesus said.) I am leading worship in 6 days from now. But I don't know how Jeff will react, and don't know if this is a good idea. I'm willing to do it if need be, but don't know if it's wise.

I think you ought to give Wendy an ultimatum: She confesses to her husband what she's been doing with you behind his back or you will. If she doesn't go immediately to her husband and confess, you go and tell him what's been going on. Jeff needs to know things are as bad as they are in his marriage. He needs to know his wife is susceptible to adultery. Wendy also needs to be exposed; her "cheatin' heart" needs to be revealed.

Proverbs 28:13
13 He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.

John 3:20-21
20 For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.
21 But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God."

2. I would prefer not to get pastors, etc. involved, but if someone thinks it is good advice to do so, I am ears for that, too.

It is precisely for this sort of thing that pastors/elders exist. They are "under-shepherds" of God's flock and are charged with the responsibility of caring for those under their leadership, exposing and challenging false teachers and doctrines, disseminating and defending correct doctrine, exposing sin and restoring the penitent sinner to proper fellowship with God and the Body of Believers, or enacting discipline upon the unrepentant believer. Part of their biblical mandate as pastor is to walk with you in prayer, and to hold you accountable, and to teach you God's truth that you may be a stable, spiritually-mature, faithful man of God. How can they do this except in a remote, second-hand sort of way from the pulpit if you keep your life and its struggles secret from them?

3. Obviously, I should stay well and far away from Wendy. That much is obvious. Repentance is repentance. And it's worth noting that Wendy does not feel bad about this and does not feel that the affair we've been having is sinful.

All the more reason why her sinful carrying-on ought to be exposed. Certainly, her husband ought to know what she's doing behind his back - especially if he thinks everything is perfectly all right.

 

[Code Phox]

I'm going try my best in being non-judgmental and give useful advice.

The activities you committed are breaking apart a marriage. It doesn't matter if Wendy feels the marriage was 'forced', the fact is she agreed to the marriage. It doesn't matter how you or her feel about each other, if something causes you to sin then cut it off and cast it away.

Contrary to what most people's advice has been, I do think you need to confront Jeff and genuinely ask for forgiveness. He is the head of that relationship and desires to know what is going on, but he is also you brother in faith. I recommend you don't run away from a problem you played a role in making, but work in being part of a solution.

Tell Jeff you are no longer going to look at Wendy and recommend the two go to marriage counseling in the church.

 

[Halbhh]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the feedback so far - great feedback - it means a lot to me.

Some other thoughts:


1. While the advice is great, much of it is contradictory (which is because there are many different people of different opinions replying, of course)......I am still just as confused about what to do as before.

2. I forgot to mention that Wendy is also on the worship team, and Jeff sometimes participates as well.

If she said she has not done wrong -- meaning then that she hasn't done something wrong like lust in the heart for instance, then.....we must simply believe her.

You should not harm her marriage by saying anything to her husband, but instead if you do have anything to confess (any lust), then you should confess it to God, and repent to Him, fully, sincerely in your heart, and that is all. If you had no lust, then keep it that way, and pray the Lord's Prayer (with real faith) for the daily aid you might need.

Pray with real faith that God will give you this you pray for -- "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."

Mean it, believe it, pray it. That's what we all need.

 

[RGW00]

It's a long story but I'll make it as short as I can - I will ask everyone to be non-judgmental.....(I'm already feeling deeply negative, emotionally).


A woman at my church (I'll call her Wendy,) is married. I had an affair with her (although, technically, no sex was involved.)

We had liked each other two years ago and I had asked her out, but she opted to go with a different man instead (whom we'll call Jeff.) Wendy and Jeff got married one year ago, although Wendy wasn't enthusiastic about the marriage; she was being pressured to marry him.

A few months ago, Wendy started telling me about all the woes in her marriage. Despite my giving warnings about how this would lead to an affair, I myself did not heed my own advice and I allowed us to go further and further.

We never had sex, thankfully - as bad as an emotional affair is, extramarital sex would be that worse of a sin yet. (Wendy did kiss me on the cheek, but not on the lips.) But there was definitely an emotional affair going on and she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her.

(Jeff, Wendy, and I are all Christians attending the same church, and of the same approximate age; around 30.)

I know I have committed a really, really, grave sin. And I am asking for advice as to what is the path forward.


1. Jeff knows that Wendy likes me; she had told him so directly. So, it might make sense to confess to Jeff himself, because if I don't, he might think things are actually worse than what they are (he might think we've been having sex, when we haven't, etc.) Plus, he is the offended party so to speak. And to top it all off, I am on the worship team, and I do not think it is right for me to lead worship when a brother has something against me (as Jesus said.) I am leading worship in 6 days from now. But I don't know how Jeff will react, and don't know if this is a good idea. I'm willing to do it if need be, but don't know if it's wise.

2. I would prefer not to get pastors, etc. involved, but if someone thinks it is good advice to do so, I am ears for that, too.

3. Obviously, I should stay well and far away from Wendy. That much is obvious. Repentance is repentance. And it's worth noting that Wendy does not feel bad about this and does not feel that the affair we've been having is sinful.


What to do? Another other recommended course of action?

Thank you all for being non-judgemental......... I don't know if there is anyone else on the Internet I could have asked for advice about this.

I assume you are a Christian just like me. The way I would handle it is to just confess it to God. Don't get anyone involved if you don't feel comfortable, but if you feel it pressing to do something about it from God then you probably should. Just listen to the Holy Spirit and then take it from there.

Remember that God weighs all sins the exact same. So stealing a pencil is just as bad as what you did. However, that example is not meant for this world, as there are laws that are created that outweighs certain evils and sometimes don't even weight them at all. So don't think you committed a very horrible sin, even though it is in the Ten Commandments. The reason that He outlines certain sins over others is because there are some that damage the spirit because it shows that you are not all in with the Holy Spirit.

Just continue to live for Him and don't let the guilt take over your relationship with Him, because that guilt will be just as much of a sin as the affair. Be honest with whoever you need to, definitely don't lie about it, but if you feel led to keep it to yourself, then just do whatever God will have you to do.

 

[Halbhh]

Remember that God weighs all sins the exact same. So stealing a pencil is just as bad as what you did.

Please consider this idea as merely an idea, and then compare it to Christ's words where He says that some from their sins will suffer more than others from their sins. Meaning some sins are weightier than others in some way.