I had an affair with a married woman. I am an awful person.

[MercyandFaith]

It's a long story but I'll make it as short as I can - I will ask everyone to be non-judgmental.....(I'm already feeling deeply negative, emotionally).


A woman at my church (I'll call her Wendy,) is married. I had an affair with her (although, technically, no sex was involved.)

We had liked each other two years ago and I had asked her out, but she opted to go with a different man instead (whom we'll call Jeff.) Wendy and Jeff got married one year ago, although Wendy wasn't enthusiastic about the marriage; she was being pressured to marry him.

A few months ago, Wendy started telling me about all the woes in her marriage. Despite my giving warnings about how this would lead to an affair, I myself did not heed my own advice and I allowed us to go further and further.

We never had sex, thankfully - as bad as an emotional affair is, extramarital sex would be that worse of a sin yet. (Wendy did kiss me on the cheek, but not on the lips.) But there was definitely an emotional affair going on and she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her.

(Jeff, Wendy, and I are all Christians attending the same church, and of the same approximate age; around 30.)

I know I have committed a really, really, grave sin. And I am asking for advice as to what is the path forward.


1. Jeff knows that Wendy likes me; she had told him so directly. So, it might make sense to confess to Jeff himself, because if I don't, he might think things are actually worse than what they are (he might think we've been having sex, when we haven't, etc.) Plus, he is the offended party so to speak. And to top it all off, I am on the worship team, and I do not think it is right for me to lead worship when a brother has something against me (as Jesus said.) I am leading worship in 6 days from now. But I don't know how Jeff will react, and don't know if this is a good idea. I'm willing to do it if need be, but don't know if it's wise.

2. I would prefer not to get pastors, etc. involved, but if someone thinks it is good advice to do so, I am ears for that, too.

3. Obviously, I should stay well and far away from Wendy. That much is obvious. Repentance is repentance. And it's worth noting that Wendy does not feel bad about this and does not feel that the affair we've been having is sinful.


What to do? Another other recommended course of action?

Thank you all for being non-judgemental......... I don't know if there is anyone else on the Internet I could have asked for advice about this.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

If you were Catholic, you could confess this to a priest and receive absolution.
I'm sorry for the suffering this is causing you and the ones involved. But if you confront the pain and not run away from it, you can learn a lot and put it down to a life lesson, well-learnt. We are all forgiveable, remember that. Sincere repentance is the key.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

It's a long story but I'll make it as short as I can - I will ask everyone to be non-judgmental.....(I'm already feeling deeply negative, emotionally).


A woman at my church (I'll call her Wendy,) is married. I had an affair with her (although, technically, no sex was involved.)

We had liked each other two years ago and I had asked her out, but she opted to go with a different man instead (whom we'll call Jeff.) Wendy and Jeff got married one year ago, although Wendy wasn't enthusiastic about the marriage; she was being pressured to marry him.

A few months ago, Wendy started telling me about all the woes in her marriage. Despite my giving warnings about how this would lead to an affair, I myself did not heed my own advice and I allowed us to go further and further.

We never had sex, thankfully - as bad as an emotional affair is, extramarital sex would be that worse of a sin yet. (Wendy did kiss me on the cheek, but not on the lips.) But there was definitely an emotional affair going on and she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her.

(Jeff, Wendy, and I are all Christians attending the same church, and of the same approximate age; around 30.)

I know I have committed a really, really, grave sin. And I am asking for advice as to what is the path forward.


1. Jeff knows that Wendy likes me; she had told him so directly. So, it might make sense to confess to Jeff himself, because if I don't, he might think things are actually worse than what they are (he might think we've been having sex, when we haven't, etc.) Plus, he is the offended party so to speak. And to top it all off, I am on the worship team, and I do not think it is right for me to lead worship when a brother has something against me (as Jesus said.) I am leading worship in 6 days from now. But I don't know how Jeff will react, and don't know if this is a good idea. I'm willing to do it if need be, but don't know if it's wise.

2. I would prefer not to get pastors, etc. involved, but if someone thinks it is good advice to do so, I am ears for that, too.

3. Obviously, I should stay well and far away from Wendy. That much is obvious. Repentance is repentance. And it's worth noting that Wendy does not feel bad about this and does not feel that the affair we've been having is sinful.


What to do? Another other recommended course of action?

Thank you all for being non-judgemental......... I don't know if there is anyone else on the Internet I could have asked for advice about this.

I wouldn't confess anything to anyone other than God. Otherwise you will be digging yourself into a hole that you might not be able to dig yourself out of. Also, you will have a lot to lose in terms of respect and ministry, because others in the church will think the worst of you. It is best to walk away, confess it to God, receive forgiveness, ask the Holy Spirit to release you from the emotional entanglement and tell the woman that you are going to keep away from her so that any damage to her marriage can repair itself.

I think this tendency for people to confess their sins to others is a silly teaching and is not supported by Scripture. Of course we need to confess our faults to one another so that we can pray together, but in a situation like this, I will keep my mouth securely shut because of the potential damage it can do to their marriage and the church as a whole. All God requires of you is that you confess it to God and receive His forgiveness and cleansing and then ask for His wisdom about what to do next.

I think that because you stopped short from having a sexual relationship, it seems to me that the Holy Spirit has stepped in to make you both see sense and to stop you doing much greater damage. If you see it from that point of view, then you can praise and thank God for His mercy and grace and to celebrate His strength in your weakness.

 

[amariselle]

It's a long story but I'll make it as short as I can - I will ask everyone to be non-judgmental.....(I'm already feeling deeply negative, emotionally).


A woman at my church (I'll call her Wendy,) is married. I had an affair with her (although, technically, no sex was involved.)

We had liked each other two years ago and I had asked her out, but she opted to go with a different man instead (whom we'll call Jeff.) Wendy and Jeff got married one year ago, although Wendy wasn't enthusiastic about the marriage; she was being pressured to marry him.

A few months ago, Wendy started telling me about all the woes in her marriage. Despite my giving warnings about how this would lead to an affair, I myself did not heed my own advice and I allowed us to go further and further.

We never had sex, thankfully - as bad as an emotional affair is, extramarital sex would be that worse of a sin yet. (Wendy did kiss me on the cheek, but not on the lips.) But there was definitely an emotional affair going on and she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her.

(Jeff, Wendy, and I are all Christians attending the same church, and of the same approximate age; around 30.)

I know I have committed a really, really, grave sin. And I am asking for advice as to what is the path forward.


1. Jeff knows that Wendy likes me; she had told him so directly. So, it might make sense to confess to Jeff himself, because if I don't, he might think things are actually worse than what they are (he might think we've been having sex, when we haven't, etc.) Plus, he is the offended party so to speak. And to top it all off, I am on the worship team, and I do not think it is right for me to lead worship when a brother has something against me (as Jesus said.) I am leading worship in 6 days from now. But I don't know how Jeff will react, and don't know if this is a good idea. I'm willing to do it if need be, but don't know if it's wise.

2. I would prefer not to get pastors, etc. involved, but if someone thinks it is good advice to do so, I am ears for that, too.

3. Obviously, I should stay well and far away from Wendy. That much is obvious. Repentance is repentance. And it's worth noting that Wendy does not feel bad about this and does not feel that the affair we've been having is sinful.


What to do? Another other recommended course of action?

Thank you all for being non-judgemental......... I don't know if there is anyone else on the Internet I could have asked for advice about this.

I would say you have been very honest with yourself about this, and that you are prepared to do what needs to be done in terms of being honest with all involved. I do encourage you to do so. Perhaps it would be best to have someone, perhaps a mentor, or an elder in the church, be present when you confess what has been going on to Jeff. As you have said, you are not sure how he will react, which is understandable.

Confessing the truth is what needs to happen, although, as you know more specifics about all involved, I would encourage you to go about it safely and in the best way possible.

You definitely know what you've done is wrong, and I truly hope that you can move on and find healing.

I'm sorry I don't really have a lot of great advice to give, but I do want to encourage you as you move forward. Remember to pray and seek God in all of this, really that is most important.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Lord have mercy ...

It is good that you recognized it and stopped it before it became physical, but it would be wrong for me to say that nothing wrong happened. You can at least take comfort (in the case if despair) that all sin, but not the sort of comfort that lets you excuse what happened or make less of it. You should address it.

I don't know how well your pastor handles things like this, but IMO the right thing to do is make an appt with him and discuss it. You should also be willing to meet with him and Jeff in order to ask Jeff's forgiveness. (Please see my post below, I meant you should be WILLING ... ideally your pastor could discern if it is actually wise to do so. But a desire to hide on your part is not good.) And of course you should have prayed to God for forgiveness as well.

If Wendy is not repentant, that's between her, and God, and her pastor. That shouldn't matter to you, but you are right to now exercise the caution you should have used at first.

Don't think about it too long, cause the temptation is to make less of it and not really address it. Find the way forward, and take it as quickly as you can.

God be with you.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

You should also be willing to meet with him and Jeff in order to ask Jeff's forgiveness.

Really? I tend to think, it might become worse if that occurs.

 

[~Anastasia~]

I wouldn't confess anything to anyone other than God. Otherwise you will be digging yourself into a hole that you might not be able to dig yourself out of. Also, you will have a lot to lose in terms of respect and ministry, because others in the church will think the worst of you. It is best to walk away, confess it to God, receive forgiveness, ask the Holy Spirit to release you from the emotional entanglement and tell the woman that you are going to keep away from her so that any damage to her marriage can repair itself.

I think this tendency for people to confess their sins to others is a silly teaching and is not supported by Scripture. Of course we need to confess our faults to one another so that we can pray together, but in a situation like this, I will keep my mouth securely shut because of the potential damage it can do to their marriage and the church as a whole. All God requires of you is that you confess it to God and receive His forgiveness and cleansing and then ask for His wisdom about what to do next.

I think that because you stopped short from having a sexual relationship, it seems to me that the Holy Spirit has stepped in to make you both see sense and to stop you doing much greater damage. If you see it from that point of view, then you can praise and thank God for His mercy and grace and to celebrate His strength in your weakness.

I will follow up to say that this may be the best in your particular church. I don't know.

That's why I said that I don't know how well your pastor is trained to deal with this. In our Churches, we are well-accustomed to dealing directly with any sin, and it is done with grace and mercy and wisdom.

But there's a reason the early Church stopped having general open Confession - not everyone has the grace to handle it. So if it is not taught where you are ... Oscarr could be right about the dangers.

 

[HereIStand]

I agree with Oscarr about not confessing to Jeff. This may only worsen the situation. While it's great that you stopped short of a physical affair, it seems that Wendy prefers you to her own husband. Given this, I would cut all ties with Jeff and Wendy and not return to this church. It would just be too awkward and distracting for all involved.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Really? I tend to think, it might become worse if that occurs.

See my follow-up.

It depends on the grace given and the practice one has of dealing with sin.

I may have not said that clearly enough. I believe, best case scenario, he should be willing to ask the husband's forgiveness. However, in our parish, it would be under the wisdom and guidance of the priest if he should actually do so, depending on the people. I will edit it, if I can figure out how to clarify.

 

[MercyandFaith]

I would say you have been very honest with yourself about this, and that you are prepared to do what needs to be done in terms of being honest with all involved. I do encourage you to do so. Perhaps it would be best to have someone, perhaps a mentor, or an elder in the church, be present when you confess what has been going on to Jeff. As you have said, you are not sure how he will react, which is understandable.

Thanks. I was thinking email instead - using written communication might be better for some reasons, but also worse for some reasons.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

Thanks. I was thinking email instead - using written communication might be better for some reasons, but also worse for some reasons.

Actually I am not sure that any sin was actually committed. It may have been an unwise act but not necessarily sinful in terms of the works of the flesh outlined in Galatians 5. But then, anything we do that our conscience condemns has to be treated as sin, and then confession to God and cleansing is then required so a good conscience is restored.

 

[MercyandFaith]

Given this, I would cut all ties with Jeff and Wendy and not return to this church. It would just be too awkward and distracting for all involved.

If I weren't on the worship team and also involved in other facets of the church this would be the easiest solution, but as it is I am a quite visible member of the church and my absence would very much be noticed, and people would ask lots of questions. In fact, I only recently returned to the worship team after a 7-month absence and I am quite needed there and my sudden absence again, after having just made a solid commitment to returning, would definitely yank our schedules and arrangements awkwardly.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Thanks. I was thinking email instead - using written communication might be better for some reasons, but also worse for some reasons.

Whatever you decide to do, I would not "confess" via email or letter.

Too much potential for misunderstanding, and other damage. Too little opportunity for any true healing. It may seem easier so that you don't have to face anyone, but that's part of the reason it is not helpful. There's really no benefit, IMO, and plenty of potential for damage.

 

[LaSorcia]

Honestly, did you pick those names at random?

 

[MercyandFaith]

Honestly, did you pick those names at random?

Not totally randomly. Similar to, but not the actual names of the people involved.

 

[amariselle]

Thanks. I was thinking email instead - using written communication might be better for some reasons, but also worse for some reasons.

As I said, I know you are aware of particulars I am not aware of. Pray and seek God in this matter, and continue to pursue honesty and healing.

God bless.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

nm

 

[paul1149]

Jeff knows that Wendy likes me; she had told him so directly. So, it might make sense to confess to Jeff himself, because if I don't, he might think things are actually worse than what they are

I would pray on it for a season and do what gives you abiding peace. It may be that this is Wendy's, not yours, to handle, and indeed she's already told him. That she isn't repentant is their matter to resolve. If confronted, it seems to me you could say in good conscience that you saw it beginning to go too far and called a halt to it. Then stay a country mile away and let Wendy and Jeff deal with their problems. Stay in the mercy of God and don't let the emotions get you down. We all make mistakes. By His mercy you dodged a bullet, and He can work good of this.

 

[tturt]

"Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The active prayer of a righteous person has great power." James 5:16 Mounce Reverse Interlinear
If you've "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matt 5:28

You've confessed your sins here on this forum.

 

[Friend-of-Jesus]

It's a long story but I'll make it as short as I can - I will ask everyone to be non-judgmental.....(I'm already feeling deeply negative, emotionally).


A woman at my church (I'll call her Wendy,) is married. I had an affair with her (although, technically, no sex was involved.)

We had liked each other two years ago and I had asked her out, but she opted to go with a different man instead (whom we'll call Jeff.) Wendy and Jeff got married one year ago, although Wendy wasn't enthusiastic about the marriage; she was being pressured to marry him.

A few months ago, Wendy started telling me about all the woes in her marriage. Despite my giving warnings about how this would lead to an affair, I myself did not heed my own advice and I allowed us to go further and further.

We never had sex, thankfully - as bad as an emotional affair is, extramarital sex would be that worse of a sin yet. (Wendy did kiss me on the cheek, but not on the lips.) But there was definitely an emotional affair going on and she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her.

(Jeff, Wendy, and I are all Christians attending the same church, and of the same approximate age; around 30.)

I know I have committed a really, really, grave sin. And I am asking for advice as to what is the path forward.


1. Jeff knows that Wendy likes me; she had told him so directly. So, it might make sense to confess to Jeff himself, because if I don't, he might think things are actually worse than what they are (he might think we've been having sex, when we haven't, etc.) Plus, he is the offended party so to speak. And to top it all off, I am on the worship team, and I do not think it is right for me to lead worship when a brother has something against me (as Jesus said.) I am leading worship in 6 days from now. But I don't know how Jeff will react, and don't know if this is a good idea. I'm willing to do it if need be, but don't know if it's wise.

2. I would prefer not to get pastors, etc. involved, but if someone thinks it is good advice to do so, I am ears for that, too.

3. Obviously, I should stay well and far away from Wendy. That much is obvious. Repentance is repentance. And it's worth noting that Wendy does not feel bad about this and does not feel that the affair we've been having is sinful.


What to do? Another other recommended course of action?

Thank you all for being non-judgemental......... I don't know if there is anyone else on the Internet I could have asked for advice about this.

Stop any contact with both. Move to another church. Forget this awful couple. Who knows, maybe Jeff is cheating on his wife right and left, too!

Forget this affair and next time don't get involved with a married woman. Learn your lesson.