I feel like I should kill myself...

[Aaliyah]

This is one of my OCD thoughts. And I feel like these thoughts are from God. Ugh I just don't know what to do anymore. I have thought of this before but it has never been an OCD thought before. I've just been struggling with everything for so long and not just OCD this was way before the OCD also. I just don't know what to do I feel like if I don't do it I'll be disobeying God and really it kind of makes sense to me.Ihave just messed up my lifeso much I feel like there is nothinggleft todo. Please if you are readingthis and have OCD don't get this into your head also.This is way more than just OCD.OCD is just a symptom ofeverythingelse that has happened to me. I hate this so much if I could just gbe likeI don't gbelieve in God anymore that would gbe great and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore but I just cannot do that. I mean what is the meaning to my life if I don't have God. He is the only reason I was ever happy. Well, anyway thanks for listening. And really this IS an OCD thought but it is not just an OCD thought it comes from a lot of other stuff that has happened in my life and I feel like I've just messed up my life so much. Then I'll get the thought "Well you don't HAVE to" I'm like so what I'll just live the rest of my miserable life like this...it really seems to make sense to me I mean I kind of believe in reincarnation so and I just really feel like there is no way to get my life back on track. Ugh I'm so confused!! I also got a thought that I can either get pregnant and then I won't have to kill myself but I really don't want to do that and then I get the thought that I don't have to do that either. Now I feel like I have to kill myself again but I don't "have to"....I just have no direction in my life I feel like if I hadn't messed everything up I owuld be in a much different place and I would be happy. I want to go to college but even that seems to never work out and then even if I do that where will I be at after that. I just really feel like I have no direction and it's my fault!!! God didn't give this to me I did it to myself. I have no idea what to do. I feel like part of it is because I was in a really bad relationship where I thought I wanted to get married and have a kid but it was a really bad relationship and God told me not to have sex with him but I did it anyway. So I have been so depressed about this for the past four years and just trying to get my life on track again and trying to figure out what I really want and realizing how much I have really messed up my awesome life that I had before and now I just really have no idea what I want and I feel like everything is messed up beyond repair. I am so sick of just going through each day having absolutely no point. And now this!! LIke as if I haven't been struggling soooo hard for this whole time and now I feel like this. I actually feel like I might actually starting to be getting somewhere buut I'm probably wrong. Why else would I be feeling like this? It's soo depressing like I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

[singpeace]

This is one of my OCD thoughts. And I feel like these thoughts are from God. Ugh I just don't know what to do anymore. I have thought of this before but it has never been an OCD thought before. I've just been struggling with everything for so long and not just OCD this was way before the OCD also. I just don't know what to do I feel like if I don't do it I'll be disobeying God and really it kind of makes sense to me.Ihave just messed up my lifeso much I feel like there is nothinggleft todo. Please if you are readingthis and have OCD don't get this into your head also.This is way more than just OCD.OCD is just a symptom ofeverythingelse that has happened to me. I hate this so much if I could just gbe likeI don't gbelieve in God anymore that would gbe great and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore but I just cannot do that. I mean what is the meaning to my life if I don't have God. He is the only reason I was ever happy. Well, anyway thanks for listening. And really this IS an OCD thought but it is not just an OCD thought it comes from a lot of other stuff that has happened in my life and I feel like I've just messed up my life so much. Then I'll get the thought "Well you don't HAVE to" I'm like so what I'll just live the rest of my miserable life like this...it really seems to make sense to me I mean I kind of believe in reincarnation so and I just really feel like there is no way to get my life back on track. Ugh I'm so confused!! I also got a thought that I can either get pregnant and then I won't have to kill myself but I really don't want to do that and then I get the thought that I don't have to do that either. Now I feel like I have to kill myself again but I don't "have to"....I just have no direction in my life I feel like if I hadn't messed everything up I owuld be in a much different place and I would be happy. I want to go to college but even that seems to never work out and then even if I do that where will I be at after that. I just really feel like I have no direction and it's my fault!!! God didn't give this to me I did it to myself. I have no idea what to do. I feel like part of it is because I was in a really bad relationship where I thought I wanted to get married and have a kid but it was a really bad relationship and God told me not to have sex with him but I did it anyway. So I have been so depressed about this for the past four years and just trying to get my life on track again and trying to figure out what I really want and realizing how much I have really messed up my awesome life that I had before and now I just really have no idea what I want and I feel like everything is messed up beyond repair. I am so sick of just going through each day having absolutely no point. And now this!! LIke as if I haven't been struggling soooo hard for this whole time and now I feel like this. I actually feel like I might actually starting to be getting somewhere buut I'm probably wrong. Why else would I be feeling like this? It's soo depressing like I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Aaliyah,

I found this thread by one of our CF members just by chance the minute after I read your thread. I say by chance, but of course, it was the Lord sending this message to you:


by fwchsn2
Through fasting and prayer, Jesus set me free from OCD.
I had no plan to upload my testimony here because I can't express myself in English. However, I strongly felt that the Holy Spirit kept urging me to tell people here suffering from OCD how the Lord Jesus healed me. I wrote my first writing in English on the internet, for testimony is to express the glory of God, not myself. I prayed to God that you all sees God’s power and his love, not my own story while reading my testimony.

I had suffered from OCD for nearly 30 years, which means that I had never lived a normal life until God healed me several months ago. Checking, demanding reassurances and arranging items in a specific way had worn me out. I was the only irregular church goer, but God always sustained me, so that I was barely able to survive even though OCD had completely thwarted my passion and plans for life.

It took so long for me to recognize the fact that I was an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patient. I just imputed my struggle to my lack of self-control or a character flaw although sometimes I thought something was surely wrong with me. Despite repetitive failure, I was proud before God. Then, I never thought I needed God’s help in order to still the severe storm inside me. It was only after I found the fact that an sufferer cannot defeat OCD at all that I became desperate and humble, and surrendered to the LORD. I read the testimonies that through fasting and prayer, the Holy Spirit completely healed so many terminal patients. So I was sure that my creator, God would also set me free if I tried it. I started my first fasting at prayer centre, where service was held 5 times a day everyday, but I got skeptical on the first day of fasting because I was too weak to pray. I thought only fasting was nothing without prayer and petition so that I decided to quit. Till then, I had never heard God’s voice and regarded that kind of experience as something supernatural for only a few special and spiritual people. But I was wrong. ‘God tells the poor in heart who is desperate and humble.’ I heard the voice of God in my chest soon after I gave up fasting. ‘You do not believe me about this!’ The voice inside me, but it was not my voice. I had never heard auditory hallucinations nor another voice from my heart. Except OCD, I was the kind of person who was rational and cool-headed. I was amazed and asked “Is it God?”, “I don’t believe you about this? Are you saying about fasting?”. Then, God assured me three times in different ways that I had to fast and pray and I resumed fasting and prayer. On the third day, I vomited violently over and over again so that I could not attend services at all and I was afraid if I would end up in the hospital, but, I did not give up for it was God’s will. I repented for pride and foolishness. And I couldn’t help but confess that I was the one who crucified Jesus and mocked him, neither the chief priests nor the Roman soldiers. During the break between services, I flicked open the Bible with inattention and Mark5:34 came into sight. “Your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” Right at that moment, I realized that the Lord Jesus completely healed me so that my lifelong suffering was over at last. Early childhood onset, long history, no social life, ……. There was no hope, but God had mercy on me just like he led Israel out of bondage of Egypt. Hallelujah! I didn’t know what it means exactly whenever Christians cried "Hallelujah!". But now I also can shout “Hallelujah! My God is the only true God and Jesus Christ is my LORD!” with all my heart.

My dear brothers and sisters, please take note of this:

Jesus wants to heal you. That's why he was cruicified.

"the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.(Isaiah 53:5b) "

Jesus wants to set you free. That's why he came to this world.

" He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, (Luke 4:18b)"

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)"

'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. (Jeremiah 33:3) '
Last edited by fwchsn2; 2nd June 2010 at 10:10 AM

 

[shelovesChrist]

God loves us. and He wouldn't create us to put us in a world where we had no chance. that is not Him. yes sin has turned the world but God is still God and are faithful to those who obey Him. and God wouldn't want you to kill yourself, that thought is not of Him, for He sent Jesus that we may have life and have it more abundantly. you cannot dwell on the mistakes in the past, but press forward in Christ. i was feeling like that too about where i was headed but don't worry, keep praying, you know that following Him won't lead you to no where bad. we just have to continue to seek the answers, He said ask and we shall receive, call unto me and i will answer thee and shew thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not. i don't have all the answers to your problems, God does, i just couldn't sit back and ignore this post. when I was at the peak of my trials with this i thought about suicide but with God all things are possible--with Him. rest in Him. Mathew 11:28, pour out your sorrows before Him, giving Him thanks for you know that He won't let us suffer more than we can bear. imagine, God is keeping so much more off of you, this is only for our strengthening. He will restore you. believe it and speak it over your pains, over your problems, and trust in Him with all your heart. praying for you

 

[kaykay9.0]

God loves us. and He wouldn't create us to put us in a world where we had no chance. that is not Him. yes sin has turned the world but God is still God and are faithful to those who obey Him. and God wouldn't want you to kill yourself, that thought is not of Him, for He sent Jesus that we may have life and have it more abundantly. you cannot dwell on the mistakes in the past, but press forward in Christ. i was feeling like that too about where i was headed but don't worry, keep praying, you know that following Him won't lead you to no where bad. we just have to continue to seek the answers, He said ask and we shall receive, call unto me and i will answer thee and shew thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not. i don't have all the answers to your problems, God does, i just couldn't sit back and ignore this post. when I was at the peak of my trials with this i thought about suicide but with God all things are possible--with Him. rest in Him. Mathew 11:28, pour out your sorrows before Him, giving Him thanks for you know that He won't let us suffer more than we can bear. imagine, God is keeping so much more off of you, this is only for our strengthening. He will restore you. believe it and speak it over your pains, over your problems, and trust in Him with all your heart. praying for you

Absolutely! Suicidal thinking is NOT of God! If you are feeling this way, please seek some help ASAP! I totally agree with what sheloves Christ has posted above. Praying for you!

 

[carmelsnowcone]

This too will pass, my love. Please don't go we will all miss you so very very much.
Life is more than what you see now.

 

[Stephen Kendall]

This is one of my OCD thoughts. And I feel like these thoughts are from God. Ugh I just don't know what to do anymore. I have thought of this before but it has never been an OCD thought before. I've just been struggling with everything for so long and not just OCD this was way before the OCD also. I just don't know what to do I feel like if I don't do it I'll be disobeying God and really it kind of makes sense to me.Ihave just messed up my lifeso much I feel like there is nothinggleft todo. Please if you are readingthis and have OCD don't get this into your head also.This is way more than just OCD.OCD is just a symptom ofeverythingelse that has happened to me. I hate this so much if I could just gbe likeI don't gbelieve in God anymore that would gbe great and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore but I just cannot do that. I mean what is the meaning to my life if I don't have God. He is the only reason I was ever happy. Well, anyway thanks for listening. And really this IS an OCD thought but it is not just an OCD thought it comes from a lot of other stuff that has happened in my life and I feel like I've just messed up my life so much. Then I'll get the thought "Well you don't HAVE to" I'm like so what I'll just live the rest of my miserable life like this...it really seems to make sense to me I mean I kind of believe in reincarnation so and I just really feel like there is no way to get my life back on track. Ugh I'm so confused!! I also got a thought that I can either get pregnant and then I won't have to kill myself but I really don't want to do that and then I get the thought that I don't have to do that either. Now I feel like I have to kill myself again but I don't "have to"....I just have no direction in my life I feel like if I hadn't messed everything up I owuld be in a much different place and I would be happy. I want to go to college but even that seems to never work out and then even if I do that where will I be at after that. I just really feel like I have no direction and it's my fault!!! God didn't give this to me I did it to myself. I have no idea what to do. I feel like part of it is because I was in a really bad relationship where I thought I wanted to get married and have a kid but it was a really bad relationship and God told me not to have sex with him but I did it anyway. So I have been so depressed about this for the past four years and just trying to get my life on track again and trying to figure out what I really want and realizing how much I have really messed up my awesome life that I had before and now I just really have no idea what I want and I feel like everything is messed up beyond repair. I am so sick of just going through each day having absolutely no point. And now this!! LIke as if I haven't been struggling soooo hard for this whole time and now I feel like this. I actually feel like I might actually starting to be getting somewhere buut I'm probably wrong. Why else would I be feeling like this? It's soo depressing like I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Is it possible to be more God focused than "I" focused? God came unselfishly through his son for us. His son gave up himself for others trusting in his Dad's desire for humanity. The "I's" that we have can't really focus on much else but said self! Jesus gave up his "I" in trust in the "I am", his Father. Our "I's" mess up all the time, but God is in the business of redirecting us away from ourselves. Our safety net is the will of God for us to trust him through his son, Jesus (obeying Jesus alone) and loving others over ourselves (all the time). If you are finding too many "I's" in your life and thoughts, try confinding you belief in Christ's words alone, follow him as unselfishly as he did his Dad and last quit caring about yourself, but look to care and love others over yourself. Love you sister. May God bless you. It is a tough world, but Jesus is greater than the world and has overcome it as a mere human being, believe this and be saved!

 

[Stephen Kendall]

SingPeace's post above is true. God will help you, if you are sincere and step forward, believing in him. Go out to him and he will help you. Right now, God is in the business of reconciling all who ask in the name of his son Jesus. The judgment that you claim isn't coming from God, but there is a judgment day coming in the end alone. You are in the good day of the Lord, do not be afraid, but call out and trust in this loving hand of God. Fasting and praying are very powerful. Love you sister.

 

[SolaceGarden]

This is one of my OCD thoughts. And I feel like these thoughts are from God. Ugh I just don't know what to do anymore. I have thought of this before but it has never been an OCD thought before. I've just been struggling with everything for so long and not just OCD this was way before the OCD also. I just don't know what to do I feel like if I don't do it I'll be disobeying God and really it kind of makes sense to me.Ihave just messed up my lifeso much I feel like there is nothinggleft todo. Please if you are readingthis and have OCD don't get this into your head also.This is way more than just OCD.OCD is just a symptom ofeverythingelse that has happened to me. I hate this so much if I could just gbe likeI don't gbelieve in God anymore that would gbe great and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore but I just cannot do that. I mean what is the meaning to my life if I don't have God. He is the only reason I was ever happy. Well, anyway thanks for listening. And really this IS an OCD thought but it is not just an OCD thought it comes from a lot of other stuff that has happened in my life and I feel like I've just messed up my life so much. Then I'll get the thought "Well you don't HAVE to" I'm like so what I'll just live the rest of my miserable life like this...it really seems to make sense to me I mean I kind of believe in reincarnation so and I just really feel like there is no way to get my life back on track. Ugh I'm so confused!! I also got a thought that I can either get pregnant and then I won't have to kill myself but I really don't want to do that and then I get the thought that I don't have to do that either. Now I feel like I have to kill myself again but I don't "have to"....I just have no direction in my life I feel like if I hadn't messed everything up I owuld be in a much different place and I would be happy. I want to go to college but even that seems to never work out and then even if I do that where will I be at after that. I just really feel like I have no direction and it's my fault!!! God didn't give this to me I did it to myself. I have no idea what to do. I feel like part of it is because I was in a really bad relationship where I thought I wanted to get married and have a kid but it was a really bad relationship and God told me not to have sex with him but I did it anyway. So I have been so depressed about this for the past four years and just trying to get my life on track again and trying to figure out what I really want and realizing how much I have really messed up my awesome life that I had before and now I just really have no idea what I want and I feel like everything is messed up beyond repair. I am so sick of just going through each day having absolutely no point. And now this!! LIke as if I haven't been struggling soooo hard for this whole time and now I feel like this. I actually feel like I might actually starting to be getting somewhere buut I'm probably wrong. Why else would I be feeling like this? It's soo depressing like I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Aaliyah,

I too have had years of regret and sorrow standing in the way of me moving on. I've started and quit various college programs out of fear and self-loathing. It can be a vicious cycle that we desperately want to break free of by any means... but if you're having thoughts of suicide, you REALLY need to talk to someone. It's hard to take that step, but suffering alone and in secret does not bring about change. Trust me, I know. I've been suffering with anxiety for at least 10 years and I just sought help last year. Talking has helped me in the immediate time to lift some of the burden I carry around with me by being able to share things I haven't been able to share with family or friends. And I'm hopeful that it will help point me in some direction towards greater help. One thing that I've been taught through therapy is that life is a process. I tend to worry that if I don't get the first steps right, that it's all in vain. But that is a destructive and paralyzing way to live. Life IS a process. It is with this view, that you can come to grow.

I would like to pray for you.. Lord Jesus, I pray for Aaliyah. I pray that you would take her out of her place of uncertainty and fear and hopelessness and place her feet on solid ground. I pray that your Spirit would comfort and encourage her as she seeks direction in her life. Lord, show Aaliyah that life awaits her and strengthen her to meet each day with faith in you. Amen.

 

[Jesse12]

This is one of my OCD thoughts. And I feel like these thoughts are from God. Ugh I just don't know what to do anymore. I have thought of this before but it has never been an OCD thought before. I've just been struggling with everything for so long and not just OCD this was way before the OCD also. I just don't know what to do I feel like if I don't do it I'll be disobeying God and really it kind of makes sense to me.Ihave just messed up my lifeso much I feel like there is nothinggleft todo. Please if you are readingthis and have OCD don't get this into your head also.This is way more than just OCD.OCD is just a symptom ofeverythingelse that has happened to me. I hate this so much if I could just gbe likeI don't gbelieve in God anymore that would gbe great and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore but I just cannot do that. I mean what is the meaning to my life if I don't have God. He is the only reason I was ever happy. Well, anyway thanks for listening. And really this IS an OCD thought but it is not just an OCD thought it comes from a lot of other stuff that has happened in my life and I feel like I've just messed up my life so much. Then I'll get the thought "Well you don't HAVE to" I'm like so what I'll just live the rest of my miserable life like this...it really seems to make sense to me I mean I kind of believe in reincarnation so and I just really feel like there is no way to get my life back on track. Ugh I'm so confused!! I also got a thought that I can either get pregnant and then I won't have to kill myself but I really don't want to do that and then I get the thought that I don't have to do that either. Now I feel like I have to kill myself again but I don't "have to"....I just have no direction in my life I feel like if I hadn't messed everything up I owuld be in a much different place and I would be happy. I want to go to college but even that seems to never work out and then even if I do that where will I be at after that. I just really feel like I have no direction and it's my fault!!! God didn't give this to me I did it to myself. I have no idea what to do. I feel like part of it is because I was in a really bad relationship where I thought I wanted to get married and have a kid but it was a really bad relationship and God told me not to have sex with him but I did it anyway. So I have been so depressed about this for the past four years and just trying to get my life on track again and trying to figure out what I really want and realizing how much I have really messed up my awesome life that I had before and now I just really have no idea what I want and I feel like everything is messed up beyond repair. I am so sick of just going through each day having absolutely no point. And now this!! LIke as if I haven't been struggling soooo hard for this whole time and now I feel like this. I actually feel like I might actually starting to be getting somewhere buut I'm probably wrong. Why else would I be feeling like this? It's soo depressing like I don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt anyone.

I have been through the same thing. When I was young, it seemed so real.
I felt I had to stick my finger in wall sockets(I actually did a couple of times). I had a fear of wires and wall sockets, but something told me I had to touch them.
Years latter when I was in 6th grade, I felt I had to jump out of my 2nd story window.