I don't understand

[Itsahappyday]

I would say these things have nothing . . . at all . . . in God's sight . . . to do with reason to have self esteem.

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)

A husband can be in conflict with how God wants us to love our ladies. When our ladies make real mistakes, we need to first be ready for love, and encourage them in how to do better. Yes, confront what really is wrong, but then encourage with all which is so better. And while I might confront my lady about something which is really wrong, at the same time I might remind her that I have been wrong like that or otherwise, too, and she has helped me. And so, we both need to do better.

In the book of James, I notice how James keeps giving a strong confrontation against what is wrong, but then right away he gives encouragement to all which is so better . . . but which does come with correction by God . . . now how a human might try to only reform us.

So, if he is mainly criticizing things you do . . . this has nothing to do with real reason for self esteem.

But you can do well to listen to him; he is your husband; listen and get to know him, so you can understand how to help him. Have hope that God can make you able to do this. This is about how God is able, how we can esteem Him to be worthy and able to truly correct us > Hebrews 12:4-11.

Any real gifts are from God Himself > His gifts are good and perfect > James 1:17. They prove how God is good and perfect, but they might show us up

My lady friend might have what is called the gift of love. And I can be so awesomely confronted and encouraged by her to get more real in how God would have me tenderly and caringly pray for and relate with people. But there are times when she is how she can be. And then is when I can learn how to love her, really

So, by the way > if you are choosing to stay with your husband who can be so impossible > you have an opportunity to seek God for Himself and His correction so you find out how to love him. Always be ready for love, so you are ready for sharing with really Christian people and so you can be an example for ones who need Jesus and need to find out how to love; this is how you can be a real friend for every person; ones need real example.

You might feed on 1 Peter 3:1-4. God bless you

And, by the way, every one of us has needed to do the same thing. But ones of us might have had different situations than others.

nothing to do with real reason for self esteem

And how we are in comparison with others > nothing to do with it!!

If you want real cause for self esteem, find out how to please God by being the way Jesus is, and find out how to love any and all people. There is no more interesting and worthwhile challenge and no greater education

Like I offer > James gives confrontation to what is really wrong, but right with the confrontation James encourages us to all which is so better and superior.

So . . . may be . . . you can have compassion on him, since he is apparently operating in what is so inferior. He possibly fears this, deep down knowing that he is not really getting anywhere. And you are being trusted to love him in spite of this!!! Do not look down on him, but have mercy on him and compassion >

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

It comes to me, right now > he has been comparing you with who and whatever which is not worthy to be a measuring stick. Jesus is our standard, no one less!

And, maybe like this > it does not matter if and why he is different by himself compared with how he is in church. Trying to figure this out is a decoy trick to keep your attention away from how you can become with Jesus and us and your husband.

Like I just offered > I think this is a question which you do not need to deal with. But, I'll try > he is judging by your outward stuff; so when people praise how he can pray, he is possibly taking that to be praise of . . . his outward stuff. He judges by the outward which humans praise; so when he sees you doing the outward which he does not like, he's going to do downhill. Because he is attached to what is vain, and this keeps him weak so he can go up but also down, under the power of outward stuff.

So, do you share with a Christian who is a real example of how to be with God and how to relate in love with anyone and in one's own marriage and with one's children? All of us need to feed on such people's example. This means a person who can see through you and give you real correction, not merely criticism and comparison with outward standards. The person is obviously helping you get real with God in His peace and becoming able to relate in God's love with any and all people, including impossible people.

So, of course, with your husband, you can possibly have some laboratory experience with discovering how to love with an impossible person. And as you learn how to love, this will make you able to share tenderly and intimately with various Christian people who are real examples of Jesus, so you will have family love with them even if not with ones in your own church and family.

But if you get with this, yes have hope for any and all wrong people; Jesus does not give up on anyone > love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).

I agree with many things you wrote. I have to walk in love and change anything in me that can cause issues from my part.

 

[Itsahappyday]

His prayer is hindered... as in it's not getting the full empowerment that the
Lord makes available to those who be walking humbly with Him and living in
an understanding way with they spouse.
The marriage relationship suffering...if your husband, fellow brothers and sisters
in Christ fail to see or sense that your marriage be suffering and be praying and
lovingly encouraging you all to seek marriage counseling...the hindering be
happening and it will also show up in delayed answers to prayers, hindered
walk with God, love growing cold, disrespectfulness etc.

I never saw it this way. Thank you. I had in the beginning of our marriage thought why don't people know by the spirit that he's calling me names at home and was disappointed ......but now I believe that even if someone knows by Holy Spirit revelation, they're called to pray, intercede and not intervene .

 

[Messerve]

I didn't put this in married couples because I am asking about how he can be blessed with so many special abilities, hearing from the Lord about things to come, Godly dreams and anointed when praying etc.... yet with me he often is not nice. There are times when he is nice don't get me wrong. But it all makes me feel as if I am not saved and that there's something wrong with me.

Unfortunately he doesn't believe in counselling. The idea of putting someone over him, authority over him. I don't think he has low self esteem. He's a high achiever. He once made a reference to geniuses, saying he's not a genius but not far off either

To be honest, he sounds like virtually every Christian. I don't personally believe any Christian is 100% godly and righteous in every part of life. His prayers may be sincere and God may have given him some great spiritual gifts, but that doesn't mean he isn't still human and fails in other areas of his life. He definitely needs to have this area dealt with for your sake and his own. Perhaps he's somewhat blind to it because it's the way his own father was with his mother.
As for the genius part, he definitely needs some humility, too. I know a Christian like that who proudly calls himself an expert in just about everything when he sees someone else struggling. I don't think he is aware that it comes across so arrogantly, though. But no one really dares to point it out to him...

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

My husband, who supports me financially because he didn't want me to work after we were married, often calls me names, puts me down, physically rough at times.

Yet for example at church, when he prays you can feel the anointing and everybody LOVE the way he prays.

I thought his prayers were supposed to be hindered if he doesn't treat me right.

How can this be? I don't wish him evil but how can He go from calling me stupid idiot etc.... one day to anointed praying the next.

He doesn't want to pray with me because he doesn't like the way I pray, so we've rarely prayed. Maybe 10-15 times at home in the last 3- 4 years. I feel rejected. I thought married couples should pray together

There is a name for the way he is treating you. It is called Spiritual Abuse. It is a form of bullying with a religious bent to it. It is like domestic violence which starts with the low level abuse that is now being levelled at you. If you resist, the abuse will intensify, and from what you are saying, he is already become physically rough with you. That is domestic assault and is a criminal offence. You have the right to make a complaint to the police if he assaults you physically. In New Zealand, a violent push is called Common Assault Summary Offences Act, and carries a maximum term of six months in prison; A punch is Common Assault Crimes Act, and that carries a maximum of 2 years in prison. A person convicted of a domestic violence offence is required to undergo an anger management programme.

In your case, it may not be anger, but of power. He is using his brand of religion to exercise power and dominance over you. If your church is male dominated and puts women in second place, I don't think you will get much help from there.

I strongly advise you not to put up with any of it, but to say to your husband, "Lay a hand on me and we are divorced and you will be facing a judge in the Family Violence Court.

I could recommend that you make a formal written complaint to the pastor and elders of your church citing spiritual and domestic abuse, but this could make matters worse for you if the pastor sided with your husband. It depends on what position and status he has in your church.

I advise you to seek counsel and assistance from trusted friends, and to go and see someone from your local organisation that assists victims of Domestic Violence. They have professional and experienced people there who can help you and give you the right type of advice.

I was a Domestic Violence victim advisor in my local District Court for 10 years, and I have seen many cases like yours. I have also known of wives badly injured and sometimes losing their lives at the hands of violence husbands. This is why I am pretty straight in my views about it.

You need expert advice, not from your church, and a safety plan in the event that the abuse starts to escalate into actual violence and assault on you.

Spiritual bullies can be very charming and plausible to everyone around them, especially in the church, but except you as his target. He will never abuse you in front of others in the church because that will "out" him as a spiritual abuser. This is what may make it difficult for your pastor and elders to believe you over him.

You have to put Christ first in your life.
Your husband comes next, and He has an obligation before God to love you, not abuse or disempower you.
Your employment comes next, and you have every right to go and get a job if you wish.
Then your church comes last in your priority list, because the church is not God and God is not the church.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

You keep making threads about this.
Don't use what you are told here to decide. Think for yourself. If you want to do something, and are hoping we will "authorize" it, that suggests there is more of a problem between the two of you than strangers on a forum can help with.

Her behaviour is characteristic of a victim of spiritual abuse and bullying. She feels trapped and does not know where else to turn. I spent 10 years dealing with domestic violence victims as part of my role in my local District Court, and so I can speak from practical experience. Maybe reading more of the psychology of domestic abuse victims will enhance your understanding of them.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I didn't put this in married couples because I am asking about how he can be blessed with so many special abilities, hearing from the Lord about things to come, Godly dreams and anointed when praying etc.... yet with me he often is not nice. There are times when he is nice don't get me wrong. But it all makes me feel as if I am not saved and that there's something wrong with me.

Unfortunately he doesn't believe in counselling. The idea of putting someone over him, authority over him. I don't think he has low self esteem. He's a high achiever. He once made a reference to geniuses, saying he's not a genius but not far off either

If he is bullying you, then nothing he is doing in the name of religion has any moral value with God. He is in danger of being someone who will say "Lord, Lord. Haven't I done great things in your name?" And the Lord could say to him, "Depart from Me!" Because no matter how spiritual or "anointed" he appears in church, if he is bullying you at home, he is nothing more than a hypocrite. People look on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

He does have a chip on his shoulder about being other people's butler. When I am clumsy he often tells me I remind him of a person who he says was lazy, clumsy etc... while he did all the work.


So all these God given abilities, anointing and gifts doesn't mean God approves of his behavior towards me?

If Jesus came to be a servant of all, and He taught that if a person wanted to be a leader in the Church he is to be a servant, not lording it over others. It seems by his remark about "not wanting to be anyone's butler" seems to speak of religious arrogance and not the spirit of Christ.

As I said before, if he appears "saintly" at church and then as a bully to you at home, he is just a hypocrite, and God approves of nothing he is doing but sees him as a liar and a hypocrite.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I was told to go to christian advice for advice. I want advice to know what other christians think about how can my husband's ability and gifts and anointing being there while he's not treating me right.

My other post was for prayer for my marriage because I am not ready at this time to leave.

I am not looking for others to authorize me to do something or think for me.

I see you as a victim of domestic and spiritual abuse and it will not go away without effective intervention, either by the leaders of his church or law enforcement authorities.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I agree with many things you wrote. I have to walk in love and change anything in me that can cause issues from my part.

Even when you do that with all your heart, it will not change his conduct toward you. What he is doing comes from deliberate choices on his part to have power and dominance over you. The more "loving" and "submissive" you are, will merely reinforce his dominance over you and make him feel that he has the continued right to abuse you.

Standing up to him and refusing to comply with his dominance and abuse has its dangers, but either it will shock him into reality or will escalate his abuse, even to the point of actually assault. So, before you do anything like that, get professional help and put a safety plan together so you can have avenues of escape if things turn nasty.

Leaving him also has dangers, and research says that most homicides and serious assaults on women happen when the woman makes moves to end the relationship. So, if and when you decide to leave (if nothing else helps), you need a way of escape and a "safe house" to go to where he cannot find you.

 

[AllDayFaith]

often calls me names, puts me down, physically rough at times.

If your husband is doing those things to you then he is not showing you love the righteous way. Love does not get angry or boast, and it will never forsake you.

It seems like your husband has learned what to say to impress people even if he doesn't actually practice them with you.

You should look up all the verses of the Bible that have to do with marriage. You will see that the husband is supposed to respect his wife, and the wife should let the man be the head of the household.

 

[Archer_on_Fire]

He does have a chip on his shoulder about being other people's butler. When I am clumsy he often tells me I remind him of a person who he says was lazy, clumsy etc... while he did all the work.


So all these God given abilities, anointing and gifts doesn't mean God approves of his behavior towards me?

No. God doesn't approve of abuse.

 

[truefiction1]

I didn't put this in married couples because I am asking about how he can be blessed with so many special abilities, hearing from the Lord about things to come, Godly dreams and anointed when praying etc.... yet with me he often is not nice. There are times when he is nice don't get me wrong. But it all makes me feel as if I am not saved and that there's something wrong with me.

Unfortunately he doesn't believe in counselling. The idea of putting someone over him, authority over him. I don't think he has low self esteem. He's a high achiever. He once made a reference to geniuses, saying he's not a genius but not far off either

I would need to meet him to know for certain, but it seems from your description of him, his treatment of you, and his unwillingness to accept council (if indeed your statement about this is true) that your husband is afflicted with prelest. This puts both of you in a very difficult predicament, as both of you are involved and affected by this. Prayers for you both.

 

[ViaCrucis]

The Apostle speaks of having the appearance of religion, but denying its power. While I don't think God's gifts are based on our performance, I think what is being described in the OP boils down to two-facedness. Wishing to appear pious in church, but behind closed doors acting abusive.

I would want to point out that simply having the appearance of piety doesn't mean anything. Just because someone sounds very religious when they pray, or thinks they hear things from God (frankly, that's a red flag in itself, but that's probably a different discussion) doesn't actually make it the case. The temptation of the flesh is to want to appear religious without actually being religious. It's what we see Jesus condemning regularly in the Gospels--there are those religious leaders who were tithing their mint, dill, and cumin but ignoring the weightier matters of importance: mercy, justice, and faith. The Prophet Micah says, "He has shown you O mortal what is good, and what does the LORD require of you? But to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly before your God."

We like to have the appearance of religion, but denying its power--without actually being religious, without having to concern ourselves with the difficult things of actually serving, loving, sacrificing ourselves for the good of others. We would rather be in the synagogue receiving praise than down on our knees washing the feet of our neighbor.

How religious a man appears to be at church is pretty meaningless. It's how we treat other people that matters when it comes to our actions and behavior. Every secret and hidden thing will be exposed, the Lord says. No one can hide from Judgment. And when we stand before the Lord it will be how we treated others that we shall be judged by.

All of this really to say that it simply doesn't matter how a person appears to be when they want to look religious. What matters is how we treat others, "If I have faith that moves mountains but have not love, I am nothing." No one can say, "I love God" and hate their brother, because how we treat others is how we treat God, Jesus is the One who will say to us, "I was hungry" and "I was thirsty" and "I was naked" and "I was a foreigner".

----

With those things said, I agree with posters here about seeking help. If he is becoming physically rough, that means danger. Talk with your pastor, sure; but also go to law enforcement and speak with family. There is no reason to subject yourself to abuse or potential future abuse.

-CryptoLutheran

 

[2Timothy2:15]

Yet for example at church, when he prays you can feel the anointing and everybody LOVE the way he prays.

There is a difference between emotion and actual anointing.

 

[archer75]

My husband, who supports me financially because he didn't want me to work after we were married, often calls me names, puts me down, physically rough at times.

Yet for example at church, when he prays you can feel the anointing and everybody LOVE the way he prays.

I thought his prayers were supposed to be hindered if he doesn't treat me right.

How can this be? I don't wish him evil but how can He go from calling me stupid idiot etc.... one day to anointed praying the next.

He doesn't want to pray with me because he doesn't like the way I pray, so we've rarely prayed. Maybe 10-15 times at home in the last 3- 4 years. I feel rejected. I thought married couples should pray together

It sounds like yiur husband fakes this pious stuff. Prayers arent real because they sound good.

Seek a secular counselor.

Will pray for you.

 

[Daniel Martinovich]

I agree with many things you wrote. I have to walk in love and change anything in me that can cause issues from my part.

Sounds like a very difficult situation. I was a little bit mean to my wife for about twelve years of our marriage. Didn’t call her names but I was just frustrated with her. I didn’t understand what made her tick. Her personality type. I thought she should be more like me and yes I was very spiritual. It wasn’t until she lost hope, backslid and set about to divorce me that my wake up call came. Was a very supernatural wake up call too. Designed to change me, give me the knowledge I needed to understand her and choose to love her. Then I had to go out and win her back. Even with the angel of the Lord standing right by my side it was the hardest thing I have ever been through. All my fault too.
Regardless my not choosing to love her which a man has to do eventually and not treating her in a way that made her feel loved and appreciated was all based in my lack of knowledge. Wouldn’t have done what I did if I knew better. Because I was so spiritual I did not seek that knowledge from people who were less sprirtual than me. Might have saved everyone a lot of trouble had I been smart enough to do so.

I don’t think you have what is needed to help fix his or your problem. If you want to be part of the fix then you should probably do two things. One is advice I have given my recently married son over his fears about fighting with his wife. I told him you need to apply efforts in your marriage. Buy some books like the 5 love languages. Surf Christian radio stations while driving and every time you hit on a station talking about marriage stop there and listen to it. Go to an occasional marriage retreat if you can get her to go. In other words just put effort into this. In your case maybe your husband will see what you are doing and indulge himself in some of it. ( Don’t try tricking him into it either.) This may do nothing for him but it will for you.

The other thing is this. We have to up our game with God if things are really beyond our reach. You simply have to do what Jesus and his apostles and everyone who really ever accomplished anything with God. That is real fasting and prayer. Talking a five day or more no food, no going out, no working around the house water only fast. If you can pray in tongues spend most of your waking moments praying in tounges. You will be shocked at the clarity your spirit gets once your body starts efficiently feeding off your stored fat at that 5 day mark. If you haven’t done this before read up on it by people who fast regularly.
Do this and let’s just see what God does in your life and your husbands. Trust me it will not be nothing.

I know you are not there but the advice I give every Christian in a divorce situation is this. Divorce is one of the most emotionally difficult things a Christian can face. Due to the trauma of it you will not be able to think right or do right. Most of the decisions you make will be the wrong ones. Even the ones that give you some peace. The only scriptural method of overcoming this is fasting. Putting that body down and getting control over that trauma and emotional distress. Get yourself right up next to God in his arms and away from the emotions that are dominating you. He actually knows what to do and can show you. You just can’t hear or do it because of the state your in. But if your able to hear him and do what he says to do, He can move in that. The cost of taking a week off work to fast? It cost a lot less than divorce.

 

[Thir7ySev3n]

It's a bit obnoxious how easy it is to get presumptuous replies that even take liberties with information not expounded for the favour of the OP. You can say pretty much anything you want, and word your OP and follow-ups any way you want, and the responses will simply follow the track that is given, being sure to exaggerate one's knowledge of the situation as much as possible to the point of extrapolating psychological analyses from one or two vague details.

This kind of issue is better handled by people who know the whole truth, whether for or against you, in person. Going online for this kind of assistance is best if you are fishing for agreement if your disingenuous or, even if you're completely honest, biased or simply ignorant responses. You have no idea what you are helping someone with when you get one side of the story. This is why when church members were confronted they would be participating in the accusations made against them. Otherwise it might as well be gossip.

 

[ccallagh]

Could be because he is hurting with something.

 

[Avniel]

Who cares and why should you?

It sounds harsh but it’s something I had to ask myself regarding the same sort of situation. My mother would invent problems, make things up and pretend they were real. While she was beating us or during her 2 to 3 hour rants she would speak in tongues, bind the devil and pray....I always wondered who she was speaking to. How did God hear her lies? If God is love and the truth is love, how do you speak in tongues and lie, fantasy...fake problems?

The answer is who cares, it’s easier to say it when you’re not in it. Use this time to get closer to Him, use this time to add anointing into your prayer power.

And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

Don’t be distracted

 

[aiki]

My husband, who supports me financially because he didn't want me to work after we were married, often calls me names, puts me down, physically rough at times.

Unless you are at home caring for children, I can't see any good reason for you to be sequestered there by your husband. It sounds to me like he is keeping you in a dependent circumstance. Given the other things you've described, he may be doing this to keep you under his abusive power. I haven't heard his side of things, so it's hard to say what the truth really is.

Yet for example at church, when he prays you can feel the anointing and everybody LOVE the way he prays.

God does not "anoint" the prayers of a man who roughs up his wife and calls her names. Whatever people are feeling when he prays, it isn't the power of the Spirit.

I thought his prayers were supposed to be hindered if he doesn't treat me right.

A hindered prayer is not necessarily a prayer without eloquence or charisma. It is a prayer that has no true spiritual power and will not be answered by God positively.

How can this be? I don't wish him evil but how can He go from calling me stupid idiot etc.... one day to anointed praying the next.

He cannot. His prayers are not "anointed" despite how well he makes them. A well-spoken and dramatic prayer is not necessarily a Spirit-empowered prayer.

He doesn't want to pray with me because he doesn't like the way I pray, so we've rarely prayed. Maybe 10-15 times at home in the last 3- 4 years. I feel rejected. I thought married couples should pray together

Married couples should pray together daily.

I don't have your husband's side of things, but the way you've described makes him seem a very arrogant, self-centered, controlling person. Yikes. Lots to pray to God about concerning your spouse, it seems.