• Welcome to Christian Forums
  1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to be able to join in fellowship with Christians all over the world.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless!

Featured I don't understand

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Itsahappyday, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. Itsahappyday

    Itsahappyday Member

    147
    +98
    Christian
    Married
    My husband, who supports me financially because he didn't want me to work after we were married, often calls me names, puts me down, physically rough at times.

    Yet for example at church, when he prays you can feel the anointing and everybody LOVE the way he prays.

    I thought his prayers were supposed to be hindered if he doesn't treat me right.

    How can this be? I don't wish him evil but how can He go from calling me stupid idiot etc.... one day to anointed praying the next.

    He doesn't want to pray with me because he doesn't like the way I pray, so we've rarely prayed. Maybe 10-15 times at home in the last 3- 4 years. I feel rejected. I thought married couples should pray together
     
    • Prayers Prayers x 10
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. Greg J.

    Greg J. Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,868
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Depending on what kind responses you are looking for, you might find it valuable to post this to Married Couples.

    Have you tried to talk to him about it? Have you, or can you, ask him if he thinks calling you names, putting you down, and being physically rough is pleasing God?

    So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. (2 Corinthians 5:9, 1984 NIV)

    And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (Hebrews 11:6, 1984 NIV)

    He needs to see a pastor to talk about his problems. IMO the pastor should recommend he get into psychological therapy for low self-esteem and anger. If you mention the idea and it makes him angry, then you know he should be in therapy, although he still might not agree. Low self-esteem is not a superficial problem people have, it is a deeply embedded, character transformative case of unbelief, although it may not seem that way.

    It might be easier to suggest you go to marriage counseling, because neither of you are experiencing loving unity and peace.

    Don't put too much stock into how spiritual He seems to be. That is not a message from God about what He is like. God comes close to people for an array of reasons. From what you say, His spirituality may be strong in some ways, but it is clearly weak in others.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Useful Useful x 1
    • List
  3. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,789
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Do you think speaking with your pastor will help. Even mentioning that you are considering this might bring an improvement in your marriage.
     
  4. maintenance man

    maintenance man Active Member Supporter

    233
    +246
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    The reason your husband treats you the way he does likely has very little to do with you and a great deal to do with something else going on in his life. Typically because he is unsatisfied with his career in some way. As pointed out above, he needs help.

    Some people can sound good to other people when they pray, but it is how they sound to God that matters. God hears what's in your heart.

    Yes, you should pray together. If his heart is right with God he should be thrilled to pray with you every time you ask.

    The big question is how do you get him to step around his ego and ask for help?

    You should talk with a pastor or counselor at church who can help you navigate these waters.
     
  5. Itsahappyday

    Itsahappyday Member

    147
    +98
    Christian
    Married
    I didn't put this in married couples because I am asking about how he can be blessed with so many special abilities, hearing from the Lord about things to come, Godly dreams and anointed when praying etc.... yet with me he often is not nice. There are times when he is nice don't get me wrong. But it all makes me feel as if I am not saved and that there's something wrong with me.

    Unfortunately he doesn't believe in counselling. The idea of putting someone over him, authority over him. I don't think he has low self esteem. He's a high achiever. He once made a reference to geniuses, saying he's not a genius but not far off either
     
  6. Greg J.

    Greg J. Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,868
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    Seeing a psychologist isn't a granting any authority if he abstains from sharing suicidal thoughts and illegal crimes. I'm not a psychologist, but IMO he has low self-esteem in a spiritual/psychological sense. It may not be something observable at all. The way he treats you is a reaction to an inner conflict, which you presumably don't know the details of, or you would have mentioned them.

    The gifts that God grants are not connected to good character and don't always manifest in spiritually healthy people. Even if he does miracles that you see, he is accountable to God for his behavior. God using him in various ways doesn't alter that. God spoke through a donkey (Numbers 22:21-35), but that didn't make the donkey someone to esteem highly.

    for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable. (Romans 11:29, 1984 NIV)
     
  7. Itsahappyday

    Itsahappyday Member

    147
    +98
    Christian
    Married

    That's a really good point about the donkey.

    Low self esteem? I have a hard time seeing that. He is often mentions about his special abilities and accomplishments to me and others. He'll say, do you think people will remember me after I am gone (he is in good health and middle aged) He'll say to me what have you accomplished in the 40 something years on earth (nothing in his view point )...
     
  8. Itsahappyday

    Itsahappyday Member

    147
    +98
    Christian
    Married
    He does have a chip on his shoulder about being other people's butler. When I am clumsy he often tells me I remind him of a person who he says was lazy, clumsy etc... while he did all the work.


    So all these God given abilities, anointing and gifts doesn't mean God approves of his behavior towards me?
     
  9. Willie T

    Willie T St. Petersburg Vineyard

    +1,332
    Christian
    Married
    You keep making threads about this.
    Don't use what you are told here to decide. Think for yourself. If you want to do something, and are hoping we will "authorize" it, that suggests there is more of a problem between the two of you than strangers on a forum can help with.
     
  10. Itsahappyday

    Itsahappyday Member

    147
    +98
    Christian
    Married
    I was told to go to christian advice for advice. I want advice to know what other christians think about how can my husband's ability and gifts and anointing being there while he's not treating me right.

    My other post was for prayer for my marriage because I am not ready at this time to leave.

    I am not looking for others to authorize me to do something or think for me.
     
  11. Greg J.

    Greg J. Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,868
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    All evidence of low self-esteem. Examine why he said those things rather that what he said. In any event, what I'm suggesting would normally be invisible, which is why therapy is so valuable—or I could just be wrong about the causes.
     
  12. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,789
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1–3)
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  13. maintenance man

    maintenance man Active Member Supporter

    233
    +246
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    It's impossible for any of us to answer a question about your husband's "gifts and anointing" since we have not seen them - they may simply be a misinterpretation.

    Bottom line...

    You need to find someone at church your husband respects and talk with that person about your concerns so that person can then speak with your husband.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  14. Hazelelponi

    Hazelelponi Just someone with no business here

    +1,265
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Hello sister.

    I was psychologically and physically abused for years - physically I'm disabled for life over it.

    I can recognise signs of abuse normally speaking, and I see some of the same signs in you that were once in me.

    Blaming yourself for "causing" his anger is a big one and feeling like there is something wrong with you or that you just aren't good enough is another sign of abuse.

    People who abuse those weaker than them do so for a variety of reasons and a major one is an issue of self esteem, it's confusing I know because he seems so powerful to you, but he hurts you because he feels powerless and the only way for him to have a feeling of power is to control you.

    People who abuse are also usually master's of manipulation - so him making an awesome show of praying out loud in public when he's abusive in private is a sign he might very well be a master of manipulation - it's a bad sign taken together.

    I would like you to get help, and soon. If he won't go get help with you, do it without him. You need help.

    It devolves... if he is abusive psychologically then know it can, and often does, become physical. He is having mental illness issues on some level.. and you need help with this. You wont be able to do this alone.
     
    • Winner Winner x 6
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  15. 2PhiloVoid

    2PhiloVoid Pilate said to Him, "What is truth?" Supporter

    +4,184
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    US-Others
    It sounds to me like he resents having to take on the 'responsbilities of the world,' while at the same time he uses his (supposed) high spiritual position as a pedestal of control. So, he essentially tries to use his 'faith' as a platform to get his cake and eat it, too. This should't be happening; and it's partially happening because you're allowing it to. Talk to your pastor. And if your pastor won't listen to you and he instead sides purely with your husband, you may need to see a professional Christian counselor for more nuanced spiritual strategy about how to handle this situation, a situation that you shouldn't have to be facing.

    Nope. It doesn't mean that in the least. He needs to repent of his attitude he has toward you and begin to work on giving you the respect and love he's supposed to be give you......and no amount of accolades from fellow believers will change this fact.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  16. Dave L

    Dave L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,789
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    If your husband is the only person you are around, you might begin seeing yourself as he sees you. As he reflects his twisted image of you back into you. It is important to see how Christ sees you and frame your self image around that. Of course Jesus sees us as sinners, but he also sees us as over-comers full of love walking in the Spirit. And living above all of our sins and defects. Once you grasp this, you can stand most anywhere knowing who you are in Him and not who you are in anybody else's distorted view.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  17. com7fy8

    com7fy8 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +2,306
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I would say these things have nothing . . . at all . . . in God's sight . . . to do with reason to have self esteem.

    "Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)

    A husband can be in conflict with how God wants us to love our ladies. When our ladies make real mistakes, we need to first be ready for love, and encourage them in how to do better. Yes, confront what really is wrong, but then encourage with all which is so better. And while I might confront my lady about something which is really wrong, at the same time I might remind her that I have been wrong like that or otherwise, too, and she has helped me. And so, we both need to do better.

    In the book of James, I notice how James keeps giving a strong confrontation against what is wrong, but then right away he gives encouragement to all which is so better . . . but which does come with correction by God . . . now how a human might try to only reform us.

    So, if he is mainly criticizing things you do . . . this has nothing to do with real reason for self esteem.

    But you can do well to listen to him; he is your husband; listen and get to know him, so you can understand how to help him. Have hope that God can make you able to do this. This is about how God is able, how we can esteem Him to be worthy and able to truly correct us > Hebrews 12:4-11.

    Any real gifts are from God Himself > His gifts are good and perfect > James 1:17. They prove how God is good and perfect, but they might show us up :)

    My lady friend might have what is called the gift of love. And I can be so awesomely confronted and encouraged by her to get more real in how God would have me tenderly and caringly pray for and relate with people. But there are times when she is how she can be. And then is when I can learn how to love her, really :)

    So, by the way > if you are choosing to stay with your husband who can be so impossible > you have an opportunity to seek God for Himself and His correction so you find out how to love him. Always be ready for love, so you are ready for sharing with really Christian people and so you can be an example for ones who need Jesus and need to find out how to love; this is how you can be a real friend for every person; ones need real example.

    You might feed on 1 Peter 3:1-4. God bless you :)

    And, by the way, every one of us has needed to do the same thing. But ones of us might have had different situations than others.

    nothing to do with real reason for self esteem

    And how we are in comparison with others > nothing to do with it!! :)

    If you want real cause for self esteem, find out how to please God by being the way Jesus is, and find out how to love any and all people. There is no more interesting and worthwhile challenge and no greater education :clap::angel::wave::oldthumbsup::amen:

    Like I offer > James gives confrontation to what is really wrong, but right with the confrontation James encourages us to all which is so better and superior.

    So . . . may be . . . you can have compassion on him, since he is apparently operating in what is so inferior. He possibly fears this, deep down knowing that he is not really getting anywhere. And you are being trusted to love him in spite of this!!! Do not look down on him, but have mercy on him and compassion >

    "He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

    It comes to me, right now > he has been comparing you with who and whatever which is not worthy to be a measuring stick. Jesus is our standard, no one less! :idea:

    And, maybe like this > it does not matter if and why he is different by himself compared with how he is in church. Trying to figure this out is a decoy trick to keep your attention away from how you can become with Jesus and us and your husband.

    Like I just offered > I think this is a question which you do not need to deal with. But, I'll try > he is judging by your outward stuff; so when people praise how he can pray, he is possibly taking that to be praise of . . . his outward stuff. He judges by the outward which humans praise; so when he sees you doing the outward which he does not like, he's going to do downhill. Because he is attached to what is vain, and this keeps him weak so he can go up but also down, under the power of outward stuff.

    So, do you share with a Christian who is a real example of how to be with God and how to relate in love with anyone and in one's own marriage and with one's children? All of us need to feed on such people's example. This means a person who can see through you and give you real correction, not merely criticism and comparison with outward standards. The person is obviously helping you get real with God in His peace and becoming able to relate in God's love with any and all people, including impossible people.

    So, of course, with your husband, you can possibly have some laboratory experience with discovering how to love with an impossible person. And as you learn how to love, this will make you able to share tenderly and intimately with various Christian people who are real examples of Jesus, so you will have family love with them even if not with ones in your own church and family.

    But if you get with this, yes have hope for any and all wrong people; Jesus does not give up on anyone > love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).
     
  18. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +1,266
    Christian
    In Relationship
    His prayer is hindered... as in it's not getting the full empowerment that the
    Lord makes available to those who be walking humbly with Him and living in
    an understanding way with they spouse.
    The marriage relationship suffering...if your husband, fellow brothers and sisters
    in Christ fail to see or sense that your marriage be suffering and be praying and
    lovingly encouraging you all to seek marriage counseling...the hindering be
    happening and it will also show up in delayed answers to prayers, hindered
    walk with God, love growing cold, disrespectfulness etc.
     
  19. Halbhh

    Halbhh The wonder and awe of His Creation! Supporter

    +2,918
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    I think there's good advice above, including the helpful #14 and #17, so I'll only add one thing.

    About prayer, we are to follow Christ. But we read over and over Christ withdrew to pray alone. And He even instructed us to also (Matthew chapter 6).

    So, do not feel you are supposed to pray with your spouse as a basic requirement. We are though definitely to spend time praying alone as a basic requirement. Be sure you are availing yourself of the ultimate aid, His help, by praying the prayer Christ gave us to pray daily in Matthew 6 NIV
     
  20. hedrick

    hedrick Senior Veteran Supporter

    +3,293
    Presbyterian
    Single
    It’s possible for someone to be a good leader in business or church but treat others badly. People are rarely all good or all bad. Just because he’s good at church doesn’t give him a pass for how he treats you or anyone else. I’d treat it like any other abusive situation.
     
Loading...