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I am going to die alone.

Discussion in 'General Struggles' started by Ohj1n37, Apr 21, 2019.

  1. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    I had been crushing on a girl at church for the past four or so years of my life. She brought her boyfriend to church today and it totally destroyed me. To make things worse my sister got mad at me and confirmed that, "No girl would ever like me and I will die alone."

    My main problem is that autism runs in my family and I have it real bad. I am very clumsy, but my biggest problem is that I am essentially socially retarded. One time a girl asked me, "Do I look fat?" and to that I replied, " I think I look fat." I am 6'2 and 170lbs. I learned that was a bad answer because she never talked to me again (by the way the girl was not fat I just got so nervous I had verbal vomit).

    Anyway I am horribly depressed because the last four or so years of my life have been wasted crushing over someone I never had a chance with. I am pretty pathetic. I have been trying unsuccessfully to get a six pack for three years or so now, so I would be attractive to women. I am an extremely emotional person. I am just not sure what to do.

    I have been asking for God to either take me to be with him or to please come hang out with me because I have no friends or a girlfriend to hang out with in real life. I use to play video games, but I do not like them anymore. I am afraid to drive. I live cooped up with a family who I do not get along with.

    What do I do with my life? I feel like I am just smart enough to suffer great emotional pain, but just incapable enough to not be able to do anything about it.
     
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  2. Loyce KG

    Loyce KG Everyone MUST hear the gospel of Christ!

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    Discontentment is a spiritual problem. When we are not still, we become unstable. If one isn't truly satisfied in Christ, they can't be still. This shows itself in one's lifestyle and choices. They start to move from one thing to the next simply seeking to fill the void. It may be one relationship to another, one hobby after another...one thing replaces another in the quest for an identity.

    When there is a deep satisfaction in Christ, one finds their true identity in Him because He is the bread and fountain of Life. Being content in Christ and knowing who you are in Him (identity) is one of the greatest experiences for a Christian. Your soul becomes a burner of desire for Christ.
    Let Him quench your thirsty soul. Don't move, work out or find a partner out of frustration; instead act because you are filled by Christ that you see clearly. Drink from the fountain and you'll never thirst again. Clutch and hold onto Jesus.
    Start praying different;ask God to fill you and pour your heart, fears etc to Him. Just say what you wrote here to God and He will come through.

    “So then, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us, too, put aside every impediment — that is, the sin which easily hampers our forward movement — and keep running with endurance in the contest set before us, looking away to the Initiator and Completer of that trusting, Yeshua..." Heb 12:1-3
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
  3. NBB

    NBB Well-Known Member

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    I feel you, i have problems socializing myself with the autism.
    It can really be a pain, i am emotional too but can't share well enough this feelings.
    Maybe we can take refugee in Christ when we are hurt by this.
    I say he can help us too to be better.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  4. grandvizier1006

    grandvizier1006 Still a human by God's grace Supporter

    +1,979
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    I'm in a similar boat as you. I think it's not good for you to worry about relationship stuff right now. That's not necessary to live a godly life. It's a good thing, but it's not the greatest thing. The greatest thing is the love of God, which He gives to everyone who believes.
     
  5. Petros2015

    Petros2015 Well-Known Member

    +1,752
    Eastern Orthodox
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    Hmm. Do you think you are capable of mastering that, or is it really overwhelming? Driving would greatly expand your horizons and independence. If it's a struggle you can win, it would be worth making. Other than that if there is public transportation available you might be able to get around.

    One thing you could do is check out places like www.meetup.com and see if there are any autism meetups in your area. If there aren't, you could maybe even start one yourself and see if there are others feeling the same and help get everyone out of isolation.
     
  6. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    I have been told I have very bad autism.

    How do I seek Jesus correctly? This is an honest question. I read the Bible. I pray to Jesus till I am in tears. I help where I can at church. I do not feel like I am meant for this world. I just do not fit. Large crowds disturb me. I can not look at others in the eye. I am very clumsy and get overwhelmed by a lot of information easily (one of the reasons I feel like I am justified being afraid of driving). The worst part of all though, that destroys me the most, is that I ruin the lives of others around me. I hate myself. I know God is my only hope. That's why I just want to be with him. If I were with him I would never be able to hurt him like how my suffering hurts my loved ones now. With Lord Jesus I would no longer suffer.

    How do I cure this loneliness? My uncle was in a horrible accident where almost every bone in his body was broken. He loved God greatly. He also had autism. He fixated on certain women as well. He had been dating a woman for sometime and asked her to marry him, but she told him no. He took his own life. I am not going to commit suicide. This loneliness just hurts so bad - it is a suffering that I can't seem to escape.

    I spent today in my room sad and alone. All the family that was invited were in the rest of the house having a good time. Being destroyed over this girl, my sister's words, and my thoughts kept me in my room where I cried praying some of the words I type here. Even when there are others I am still alone. Why have I been given this plight? How can I be set free? I was told the story of Job at the start of my journey as a Christian. I believe my entire life might be like Job's story, but I will get to the end of the race. I will fight because God is all I have.
     
  7. Loyce KG

    Loyce KG Everyone MUST hear the gospel of Christ!

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    Sounds like part of what you're going through is due to the autism. Am happy to hear that you are on a journey with the Lord and would not commit suicide. From your post, sounds like you have contemplated it though, which is sign of depression. psalms 23 reminds us that we walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death and not TO it. In any case, it is only a shadow and not death itself. While in the valley, the Lord's with us-His staff and rod reassure us. We stand by the Word and power of the Living God.
    Amidst all, God prepares a table for you before your enemies. He triumphs over them. Remember that in your weakness, God's strength is made perfect. Pray fervently using scripture. Break out of the rut of secluding yourself from loved ones. Speak to a friend or family member who can be of help. Seek therapy too while you fight.

    Im praying for you my dear that the peace of God reigns in your heart. You may not know me but I care about you in Christ. Shalom
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
  8. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    Thank you, I also am diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder may be what you were noticing when you first saw that I was going in cycles. I have bouts of mania where I feel like I am on top of the world and I also have lows like the one I am currently in. It can be really hard sometimes. Today was particularly hard as I am a romantic at heart. I have always wanted to share my life with a strong woman. I guess this just shows I am not ready, at least not yet. I strive to keep God first in my life. I know if I had put this girl first it would have ruined me for good. One day if I am ever blessed with a wife I will be sure to put her second and continue to put Jesus first.

    The pain of this girl and my sister's words are fading, but the longing for people I can converse with in real life that understand me is still ever present.

    Thank you for the kind words everyone.
     
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  9. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Sounds to me like you did rather well there. There is a certain wisdom in saying what you essentially did, as in "We all think we look fat when often we are not."

    Horrible individual to say that to you.

    I'm thinking you have some people in your life that are not at all good for your self esteem, and it would be less dangerous for you to learn to drive, get a Job and get your own place than it would to stay in an abusive situation. That is if I understand you correctly and you are around mean people, or was what you said about your sister for instance, more of an exception and not the rule?
     
  10. Gracia Singh

    Gracia Singh Newbie Supporter

    +5,598
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    This part literally made me go "ohhhhhhh...". Sweetie. I hear you, and can relate. God does love you so much, dear. Please don't measure yourself or your value so harshly.

    Jesus is God, in flesh, He loves you, has already come down to hang out with us, and lives forever!
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
  11. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    My sister probably has autism to, but to a lesser degree. I am not trying to be mad at her.

    My family can be loving and supportive, but they do not understand me. I do not know how to express what I feel so it comes out in fits of rage. I have never physically hurt anyone and have no intention to, but I experience such a large degree of emotional pain that I have what are called meltdowns. Yesterday I was able to keep it to just slamming a door then huddling in my room for hours in the dark while everyone enjoyed their Easter.

    When I was younger I would get meltdowns where I would cry uncontrollably or scream and yell because the pain was so bad. It depresses me to think that I ruined my childhood and now I am ruining my young adult life. I have also been ruining the life of those around me. Our car broke down and I have been helping some at my church. I tried to tell my grandmother the predicament I was in, as I have to help tomorrow, but she got upset with me. I think I may have expressed myself incorrectly and well I slammed the door again. She said if I do that again she will call the police to come take me away.

    I know my family loves me or else I would have been out on the street. I know this because I have been told that. They do not seem to realize that I occasionally scream, cry, slam, or hit things not out of anger, but because I am in pain. I do not know how to get rid of this pain. Sometimes I find ways to distract myself from the pain, but the pain is ever present. Sometimes it gets really bad and I regress back to where I was prior to being saved, an emotional wreck crying out in agony.

    I am tired of upsetting myself and people around me. My mom says it hurts her so much to watch me suffer, but she does not know how to help. I want my life to be happy story, but at 27 years of age with no wife, no accomplishments, and bouts of being reduced to a sobbing mess that ruins the life of others and my own I just am not sure if I am meant to have a happy life. I prayed to God today that if it his will that I should suffer please help me to suffer gracefully, so I do not ruin people's lives.

    It seems that I can express myself a little better through written language than verbally. I use to go to a counselor, but they told my parents they did not understand how to treat me. I have seen doctors all my life. I have been on medicine since I was little. I feel like I need to do something to be happy, but I have no skills.

    I use to have a job when I was younger stocking shelves. I would come in an hour early so I would not be late. I would have attacks when dealing with people where I would uncontrollably start crying because of the pressure of responsibility. My short term memory is really bad and I could never remember where to tell the people where to get their items. The doctor who reviewed my disability said that I have no tolerance for stress.

    I kept that job till the store closed and got moved to another store. At the new store they did not help me any and there was a lot of conflict between co-workers. I ended up walking out one night due to the stress. I could not handle it any more.

    In summary most everyone tends to treat me like I am a normal human being, but I am not. I have a lot of problems. I can not do a lot of things no matter how hard try, yet I have family members and people in public tell me if only I tried harder. I am trying as hard as I can. I am in emotional anguish. My life is a sad story. My peace will come when God is ready to take me.
     
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  12. NBB

    NBB Well-Known Member

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    Yes, Fight for God! never leave him, he can give us the best of things, do not get too much discouraged because the suffering autism causes, we can take refuge in Jesus, actually i got discouraged because all of my problems some time ago when i was more young and stopped trying to fight for God, and this was a very bad mistake, time we spend without him is time lost, and a dangerous thing too.
     
  13. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    I realized my last post might be considered like I was berating you for your advice. It is good advice, but I do not think it is for me. Thank you for the advice. I am sorry. I get misunderstood. I mean no ill will to you. I just got off on a tangent and continued to throw myself a pity party.

    Again thank you for the kind words and thoughts everyone. I try not share my problems with anyone. I am not sure if it is a good thing to do, but it has made me feel better.
     
  14. NBB

    NBB Well-Known Member

    +477
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    What if you try to recognize you have troubles, and take it more easy, if you can't socialize, well, we can try to recognize we have it more difficult than others and try to be happy about what we get, instead of seeking all the stuff normal people have, maybe God helps us to get better and we can live a full life with or without our disability. I don't know i am just thinking loud. I have autism too, and i were and am in great pain too because of not being able to show my feelings and connect with people etc, but now after some years i recognize i have troubles and try to have more peace about it, i have no friends too, mostly in my room, i am trying to live a better life with the help of God, i have other problems too, thats it for now.
     
  15. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    I think this is a good approach. I too have had this idea. It looks like it might be the thing to do. I feel your pain. I hate seeing people in pain. We can get through this. Trust Jesus.

    I guess the hardest part is that being socially inept is a hard concept for people to understand - including those of us who suffer through it.
     
  16. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

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    OK thanks for clearing some of those things up. in that case, at least for now probably best you stay where you are.

    Does your condition tend to get at least somewhat better with age?
     
  17. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    I have been told in adulthood autism is suppose to get better. The thing is I am 27 now. It has gotten maybe a little better. One of my problems is that I am socially delayed. Basically I am maturing very slowly. I am going through social problems a young teenager would go through. Although some aspects of my personality are like a very young person and some are like an older person.

    Something interesting is that I have trouble controlling the volume of my voice. I do not realize how loud I talk for some reason and often have to be told to be more quiet. Sometimes my dad has to put earplugs in if we are in the car and I am talking.
     
  18. Kenny'sID

    Kenny'sID Well-Known Member Supporter

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    OK, that at lesat gives way to some hope in the future.

    FWIW, you easily sound as right thinking if not more so, than those of us who post to these boards. Actually much more so in many cases.

    My sister isn't autistic but talks very loud, I had to get on to her just yesterday about it. She is about 67, and my younger brother of about 62 also has/had some trouble with that but seems to have gotten over it for the most part.

    I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I doubt your looking for pity, just solutions, but still, it just doesn't seem fair.
     
  19. Ignatius the Kiwi

    Ignatius the Kiwi Newbie

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    I feel like I've been in your sort of situation since I left high-school. I admire the effort you're making to get physically fit and can only recommend you invest some money in a personal trainer, go on a strict diet (so as to reduce total body fat) and stick to it. If you're goal is to get physically well defined body and you've been failing at it for the last three years, you have change your game and do something different. It mostly comes down to what you eat and you should consider restricting yourself to certain foods that cut fat and help muscle gain. If you achieve this goal, it won't necessarily make you a better person but it should make you more confident which can help towards developing your social skills.

    It's also good to get away from Video games or at least severely limit your exposure to them. They're a time sink and an escape. The problem with having no social connections is that you become a social island and are unable to make further connections which prevents you from having friends and a future girl-friend/spouse. There are things you can do, join clubs or what have you, maybe visit different churches and try to make connections there. Use your family to find connections and expand your social circle. The biggest hurdle for aspergers is trying to initiate conversation and learning from our mistakes, since we don't want to make the social mistakes in the first place.

    Ultimately we have to deal with the burdens we carry, even if it seems unfair or the task is not to our liking. I started to study maths this year in an attempt to expand my knowledge and hopefully enter a technical apprenticeship by the end of this year. It's not going so well, since I was never particularly good at maths and I'm good at procrastinating the problem away. Five days since I last continued the course. Yet I know I have to overcome this difficulty. If you want to move out of your parents house you need to seriously consider investing in some sort of course or getting into a career which will allow you to live independently.

    I don't know if this advice will help. I'm in a similar situation to you. Recently I've felt more content but it's a challenge sometimes.

    Prayers for you.
     
  20. Ohj1n37

    Ohj1n37 New Member

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    Thank you. I do alright in some areas, but am completely incapable in others. If anything it is a weird type of conundrum.

    Thank you. Yes, I would say I am searching for solutions. I do not like being a victim of my situation. I learned a long time ago life is not fair. I know there are many people that have it much worse than I do.

    I have heard this is a common theme for people on the spectrum.

    I believe I could have achieved the goal a long time ago. My abs are currently uneven due to being extremely left dominate. I have just recently learned about mind over muscle. Before I would crank out as many sets as possible, but now I have been learning the value of quality over quantity. The other problem is that I live with my grandma and well she likes to cook fattening food and if I don't eat it there is a problem. On top of that I have been and am currently on medicine for my conditions that cause massive weight gain in normal people. My previous doctor said that I am probably one of the few people in the world to have not gained any weight on the medicine I am taking. Basically I am fighting an uphill battle. I guess I stay in pretty decent shape though.

    This is good advice and something I have been slowly starting to work towards in the past few weeks. Currently I have been trying to get comfortable driving to places that are easy for me to get to in town.

    I hope you do well with your goals. I wish they did apprenticeships where I am located.

    I asked my dad if he thought I would be capable of this. He said probably not. He was not trying to discourage me, but I guess was trying to be a realist. He use to push me to go to college and have a job. I ended up falling out of both college and a job. I guess he didn't realize that I was trying as hard as I could. I have multiple diagnoses and I tend to be closer to lower functioning on the spectrum. I tend to be very well spoken and this has caused people to view me as more capable than I really am.

    I would like to have some sort of independence, but I lack many of the basic skills required for living alone. I remember when my parents showed me a car they had bought me when I was young and I said thank you and went back inside. I continued to ride the school bus for 3 hours each day instead of driving myself. I possibly drove myself to school two or three times. A part of my problems is that I do not understand people including myself. I am not sure if I can not live on my own because I am too afraid to learn basic skills or because I am incapable or both.
     
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