Having a roommate of the opposite sex

[Youngdisciple1]

So, I have a choice I need to make and would like to know other’s opinions on it.
I’m a 19 year old guy with full time job but I make a little more than minimum wage. I still live with my parents but I think it’s time to move out. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t do well at all with constant criticism of everything I do. But that’s my family’s way of encouraging me. It just doesn’t work like that for me. I don’t consider constant criticism anything close to encouragement. I’ve tried talking to them about it but that just got me more criticism.
I’m already really hard on my self and I have struggled with depression quite a bit because of it. For the last 6 months I’ve been depressed free but because of all the criticism I’m starting to struggle with it again. And I’m also struggling spiritually because of it.
Long story short, I need out of the house ASAP. I can’t stand it any longer.
Problem is, I can’t afford to live on my own. I just don’t make enough right now.
But there is this girl I work with who needs a place too. She’s married to and has a baby with an abusive guy. We’re pretty good friends and get along well. She’s been telling me she’s been trying to find a place to live but can’t afford most of them either. And she asked me if I wanted to go in on a place with her. I at first said no. But I’m reconsidering.
She’s nice but isn’t Christian so I’m a little worried about that. I’m not at all interested in her and I don’t think she has any interest me. But it’s hard to tell sometimes.

So.... what do y’all think the wise choice would be? Stick it out at home and continue to struggle with the depression and my spiritual life or take the risk and move in with her?

Edit: I also just started building a credit score so I have no credit score at all right now. So I don’t think I can even get a place even if I could afford it.

 

[HatedByAll]

She is in an abusive situation. It is highly likely that her abuser will blame you for her moving out, and blame you for all of their problems. For that reason, I would not recommend it, much less moving in with a woman you are not married to.

 

[topher694]

Do NOT move in with her. Far too many red flags. It wouldn't be safe or wise for you on many levels. If you feel you should move out, pray, trust God, keep looking, and let Him open the door for you. The doors God opens don't look like this

 

[redleghunter]

My opinion is you will just be adding to your plate a situation you don’t need. First we as Christians don’t cohabitate with the opposite sex because their will be temptation, not to mention she being a unbeliever the chance of falling in love is there. You are both young and currently in differing degrees vulnerable.

Add to this an abusive husband who will no doubt seek out his wife and child adding to her stress and potentially a violent situation you get involved in. Not good at all. If you care for her situation advise her to find family to seek refuge or a shelter which women are protected and given legal help to institution a restraining order.

Your parents as you noted are using negative reinforcement to push you along to be motivated and independent. They use this method (probably unbeknownst to them) because they are afraid you will miss out on opportunities set before you as a young man. They want you to be successful and independent so they can have peace as well. They love you and I’m sorry you endure this but I think a better situation than taking on more than you are prepared to handle by taking on a married woman with a child.

Are you in a church? If so speak to your pastor about ministry opportunities. Maybe 6-12 months on a missionary tour will give you time to serve others and maybe save some money. Or local ministries your church is involved with?

 

[paul1149]

To add to redleg's scenario, her situation at the very least sounds unstable. She could [have to] leave abruptly, leaving you holding the bag. Why not try to find a different roommate or an alternate living situation? Maybe someone at church has a reasonable [semi]private basement room or some such.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

I agree with the others here. This would be a really bad idea. I do think though that her baggage is by far the biggest problem here, far more than being of the opposite sex would ever be.

 

[Phil W]

So, I have a choice I need to make and would like to know other’s opinions on it.
I’m a 19 year old guy with full time job but I make a little more than minimum wage. I still live with my parents but I think it’s time to move out. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t do well at all with constant criticism of everything I do. But that’s my family’s way of encouraging me. It just doesn’t work like that for me. I don’t consider constant criticism anything close to encouragement. I’ve tried talking to them about it but that just got me more criticism.
I’m already really hard on my self and I have struggled with depression quite a bit because of it. For the last 6 months I’ve been depressed free but because of all the criticism I’m starting to struggle with it again. And I’m also struggling spiritually because of it.
Long story short, I need out of the house ASAP. I can’t stand it any longer.
Problem is, I can’t afford to live on my own. I just don’t make enough right now.
But there is this girl I work with who needs a place too. She’s married to and has a baby with an abusive guy. We’re pretty good friends and get along well. She’s been telling me she’s been trying to find a place to live but can’t afford most of them either. And she asked me if I wanted to go in on a place with her. I at first said no. But I’m reconsidering.
She’s nice but isn’t Christian so I’m a little worried about that. I’m not at all interested in her and I don’t think she has any interest me. But it’s hard to tell sometimes.

So.... what do y’all think the wise choice would be? Stick it out at home and continue to struggle with the depression and my spiritual life or take the risk and move in with her?

Edit: I also just started building a credit score so I have no credit score at all right now. So I don’t think I can even get a place even if I could afford it.

DON'T DO IT!!!!
I was in the same situation some years back and it about drove me crazy.
To have a girl around me constantly that I could not "have" was the worst time of my life.
Stay at home and just tune out the "noise".
You'll be far better off and much better prepared for the world if you can save some money before facing the world alone.

I'll add this...there are agencies available nearly everywhere to help abused women escape tormentors.
Have her call a help-line.
Quickly!

 

[bekkilyn]

The constant criticism is horrible and unhelpful and perhaps even verbally abusive, so you do need to extract yourself from that environment, but you don't want to go from one bad situation to an even worse situation, and living with someone who is under threat of violence from an abusive spouse is not where you want to be.

She needs to find help from people trained to help with domestic violence, and maybe move to a shelter, and you have a few other options available besides continuing to suffer where you are or moving in with her. There are people who rent rooms out for less cost than renting apartments, or you could look into advertising for a roommate or find others looking for roommates. If you're looking for a quiet environment, perhaps finding a roommate who is a graduate student would be good.

If you absolutely must continue to endure your current situation, then perhaps try reading that book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud, because it is crucial that you learn to set some, though I know with parents who know exactly how to push all of your buttons to get you upset, it is difficult, and that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" may really be the best solution once you can manage it. Doesn't mean you don't love them, but living with critical people long-term is practically unendurable, especially if they are family.

You might even look into volunteering with with agencies such as the Peace Corps or others where you can go and help people in need out of state or out of the country. There are opportunities to teach English in other countries after some training. You could join one of the military branches, either full time or even the reserves since you are 19 and old enough, and that could even help pay for college later without going into huge amounts of debt. I think that if you pick something interesting that you might want to do and are able to work towards doing it, you'll feel better rather than feeling like you're just stuck where you are with no hope of anything else other than moving into another situation that may be as bad or worse.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

out of the frying pan, into the fire..

 

[longwait]

So, I have a choice I need to make and would like to know other’s opinions on it.
I’m a 19 year old guy with full time job but I make a little more than minimum wage. I still live with my parents but I think it’s time to move out. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t do well at all with constant criticism of everything I do. But that’s my family’s way of encouraging me. It just doesn’t work like that for me. I don’t consider constant criticism anything close to encouragement. I’ve tried talking to them about it but that just got me more criticism.
I’m already really hard on my self and I have struggled with depression quite a bit because of it. For the last 6 months I’ve been depressed free but because of all the criticism I’m starting to struggle with it again. And I’m also struggling spiritually because of it.
Long story short, I need out of the house ASAP. I can’t stand it any longer.
Problem is, I can’t afford to live on my own. I just don’t make enough right now.
But there is this girl I work with who needs a place too. She’s married to and has a baby with an abusive guy. We’re pretty good friends and get along well. She’s been telling me she’s been trying to find a place to live but can’t afford most of them either. And she asked me if I wanted to go in on a place with her. I at first said no. But I’m reconsidering.
She’s nice but isn’t Christian so I’m a little worried about that. I’m not at all interested in her and I don’t think she has any interest me. But it’s hard to tell sometimes.

So.... what do y’all think the wise choice would be? Stick it out at home and continue to struggle with the depression and my spiritual life or take the risk and move in with her?

Edit: I also just started building a credit score so I have no credit score at all right now. So I don’t think I can even get a place even if I could afford it.

In agreement with everyone else. DON'T!

 

[FutureAndAHope]

So, I have a choice I need to make and would like to know other’s opinions on it.
I’m a 19 year old guy with full time job but I make a little more than minimum wage. I still live with my parents but I think it’s time to move out. I’m the kind of person that doesn’t do well at all with constant criticism of everything I do. But that’s my family’s way of encouraging me. It just doesn’t work like that for me. I don’t consider constant criticism anything close to encouragement. I’ve tried talking to them about it but that just got me more criticism.
I’m already really hard on my self and I have struggled with depression quite a bit because of it. For the last 6 months I’ve been depressed free but because of all the criticism I’m starting to struggle with it again. And I’m also struggling spiritually because of it.
Long story short, I need out of the house ASAP. I can’t stand it any longer.
Problem is, I can’t afford to live on my own. I just don’t make enough right now.
But there is this girl I work with who needs a place too. She’s married to and has a baby with an abusive guy. We’re pretty good friends and get along well. She’s been telling me she’s been trying to find a place to live but can’t afford most of them either. And she asked me if I wanted to go in on a place with her. I at first said no. But I’m reconsidering.
She’s nice but isn’t Christian so I’m a little worried about that. I’m not at all interested in her and I don’t think she has any interest me. But it’s hard to tell sometimes.

So.... what do y’all think the wise choice would be? Stick it out at home and continue to struggle with the depression and my spiritual life or take the risk and move in with her?

Edit: I also just started building a credit score so I have no credit score at all right now. So I don’t think I can even get a place even if I could afford it.

Too many red flags for me. I would not suggest you move in with her. It is just plain a bad idea.

 

[Amittai]

If you tell God you're in serious need, and let Him prioritise the components of His answer, maybe:

- your parents might subliminally twig you have got more poise and serenity. After all, we'll have to deal with others, more awkward than our parents, in the future (and I've still got mine ahead of me as well)

- God will provide the landlord with the basement, or even some totally unenvisaged solution, perhaps not in what we thought was the "right" timing (or shape) for us!

For me things worked out an ongoing mess (even if only sort-of a mess) when I kept pre-empting. He does want us to do our homework in practical terms, and to be prepared to take intitiative, but always to put His priorities ahead of our initiative.

Says he having learned the hard way.

 

[Radagast]

My opinion is you will just be adding to your plate a situation you don’t need. First we as Christians don’t cohabitate with the opposite sex because their will be temptation, not to mention she being a unbeliever the chance of falling in love is there.

Exactly. Not a good idea.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Seems to dangerous really. I mean neither of you may have feelings for each other but since he husband is abusive, you may start to feel protective of her and she may start to fall for you because you are friendly and not like her husband. In other words a relationship may form. Even if you don't think it will. Seems like the perfect situation. At your age young people often are blind (not saying on purpose mind you) to these things. They don't have the experience or wisdom yet of knowing a bad situation when they come across one.

That aside I would be worried the husband might find out where she is and do something crazy like break down the door and not only hurt her, but hurt you thinking you are "with her".