God, family, work.. what if I've given up on one of those?

[chirpyluna]

God - Family - Work - In That Order. Of course I know the origin of that saying. But what, if anything, does the bible say about not giving your family any more "second chances?"

This "family thing" is what I worry about most as I pray. I know if I am to dedicate my life to Him, I am to forgive members of my family. But what if that forgiveness is going to certainly lead to abuse? More specifically, I'm talking about my mother (emotional abuse), and my father (emotional and physical).

Is there no point in praying if I'm not willing to forgive?

 

[chirpyluna]

I should also add that it's my stepfather I'm referring to. I have no idea where my biological father may be. He left my mom when I was a baby

 

[Tolworth John]

This "family thing" is what I worry about most as I pray. I know if I am to dedicate my life to Him, I am to forgive members of my family

First of all if you are a Christian you are loved and valued by a saviour who gave up everything for you.
Rest in the knowledge of his love for you.

Forgivenes. A lot of people spew out nonsence about forgiveness.
Lets look at how God forgives us.
He has forgiveness ready for us, when we repent. Jesus didn't forgive the thief on the cross untill he acknowledge who Jesus was.
Just as we are forgiven because we have said sorry, so we do not have to forgive those who have hurt us and untill they have said sorry.

Like Jesus we should hand them over to God, if we are able like Jesus we can ask God to forgive them and leave it with him.

May I suggest moving out and just visiting at the weekend. Physical distance does help hurts to heal and to be spoken about, but sometime time is also needed.

 

[Dave-W]

God - Family - Work - In That Order. Of course I know the origin of that saying. But what, if anything, does the bible say about not giving your family any more "second chances?"

This "family thing" is what I worry about most as I pray. I know if I am to dedicate my life to Him, I am to forgive members of my family. But what if that forgiveness is going to certainly lead to abuse? More specifically, I'm talking about my mother (emotional abuse), and my father (emotional and physical).

Is there no point in praying if I'm not willing to forgive?

Hmm. Your friend Lucy would probably have something to say about that since a large part of christian counseling has to do with forgiveness.

There are at least 2 types of forgiveness.

The first is a basic release of a debt owed. That does not restore the relationship. It is exemplified by Jesus being nailed to the cross and Him saying "Father forgive them for they know not what they do;" and Stephen when he was being stoned praying God to not hold that sin against them. This kind of forgiveness is for the benefit of the harmed. It cleans them and allows God to minister to them (and takes them out of the way in case God wants to deal with the harmer) This must be done before moving on to the other type.

The other type is more restorative for both harmer and harmed. It involves confrontation of sins (whether real or imagined) per Matthew 5 or 18 and hopefully repentance. Then the healing of the relationship can begin.

So yes you MUST forgive your mom and step dad for their abuses; and your bio father for abandoning you. (first step basic forgiveness)

There are a few good articles in this issue of New Wine mag:

https://csmpublishing.org/wp-conten...Issues/1976/NewWineMagazine_Issue_10-1976.pdf

 

[St_Worm2]

Hi Chirpyluna, I agree with TJ. In fact, I was just about to ask you if your mom and/or your stepdad have asked you to forgive them when I saw what he wrote. I'm guessing not since it sounds like the abuse is present and ongoing, yes?

The Lord doesn't expect us to be doormats and just take it, so if you are still being abused at home you need to protect yourself by getting away from them.

Have you talked to your pastor about this. If you haven't, I would do so today, as he is the one most directly tasked by God to keep watch over you while you are on this side of Glory .. e.g. Hebrews 13:17.

VERY sorry to hear about your situation

Pray and trust that the Lord will see you through this

In Christ,
David
p.s. - praying for you!

 

[A_Thinker]

God - Family - Work - In That Order. Of course I know the origin of that saying. But what, if anything, does the bible say about not giving your family any more "second chances?"

This "family thing" is what I worry about most as I pray. I know if I am to dedicate my life to Him, I am to forgive members of my family. But what if that forgiveness is going to certainly lead to abuse? More specifically, I'm talking about my mother (emotional abuse), and my father (emotional and physical).

Is there no point in praying if I'm not willing to forgive?

In this discussion, I somehow see forgiveness being conflated with allowing yourself to be abused.

We can forgive AND take steps to protect ourselves from further abuse. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we must "turn the other cheek" forever. Once we have "turned the other cheek", and an abuser has demonstrated that they will strike that cheek as well, ... I believe that we are permitted to withdraw our cheek.

It sounds like separation from your parents may the ultimate solution to your issues with them. You can forgive them, yet still make your plans to get away if you can.

And, in many cases, forgiveness comes with distance from the one being forgiven. The fact that you want to forgive counts much in the eyes of God. Work on getting yourself to a safe place, ... and then forgiveness will come.

BTW, we need not wait for an abuser's apology/change to forgive them. Jesus forgave ALL from the cross, when they were still actively crucifying Him.

"Father, forgive them, ... for they know not what they DO."

 

[2PhiloVoid]

God - Family - Work - In That Order. Of course I know the origin of that saying. But what, if anything, does the bible say about not giving your family any more "second chances?"

This "family thing" is what I worry about most as I pray. I know if I am to dedicate my life to Him, I am to forgive members of my family. But what if that forgiveness is going to certainly lead to abuse? More specifically, I'm talking about my mother (emotional abuse), and my father (emotional and physical).

Is there no point in praying if I'm not willing to forgive?

Hi Chirpyluna,

My own wife has had some similar emotional experiences of abuse with her own mother, and as I tell her, I'll also suggest to you, that you can't really forgive something for which that other person isn't yet sorry for and still unwilling to make drastic amends.

So, if the emotional effects of the past are still lingering--and it is completely understandable if they are--it would be best to keep your distance from those relatives. And remember, there's nothing to forgive until those persons admit that there is something for which they need forgiveness. If they can't sincerely and fully do that, then there is nothing for you to forgive just yet.

Also know that there is absolutely NOTHING in the Bible that would require you to keep on allowing other family members to abuse you, sister Chirpyluna.

Sure, if you feel in your heart that because they are family you still want to try to forbear in patience and kindness with them, despite their obviously dysfunctional behavior, that is something you can choose to do as a Christian who is directed by the Holy Spirit. But, just realize that being forbearing and being forgiving are also still two different things.

Anyway, keep praying! You're already on the right track, Sis!

Peace,
2PhiloVoid

 

[Petros2015]

Some people are best forgiven from a distance.

 

[RaymondG]

If you want to be forgiven, you must first forgive. But this may not be exactly what you think it is. As long as you dont forgive, there is a lasting negative emotional hold on you......one that you probably feel right now. It makes you feel hurt and sad inside when you think about the person.....when you see this person, the feeling are even stronger......when it is even worse, you think about the person even when they are not around and feel anger and hurt and write posts about them.

Now when you forgive......you drop all of these emotional ties to this person and you are immediately healed and forgiven. no more emotions tied to the thought or sight of that person.....imagine how good that would feel to now have time to think and focus on other/better things.

Forgive so that you are forgiven and healed from all the hurt experienced as a result of your un-forgiveness.

Note: this has nothing to do with allowing abuse or the abuser in general.....this is totally spiritual. We wrestle not against flesh and blood.