Feeling lousy and afraid

[TomCS]

I'm reluctant to write this because it's going to sound like a pity party. But I'll give it my best shot to be objective and not go overboard into self-pity. My life is in a shambles and I feel helpless to change it for the better. My life in this world is an embarassing failure. I function so badly in the world, that I am afraid that I will be living in the gutter on the street someday. Probably soon, in the next 5 years or so.

I don't know if I have a clinical mental illness, I'm frustrated with the answers that I have gotten from doctors over the years. I've been told that I might have major depression, bipolar, post traumatic stress, and I forget what else. But it really seemed like the doctors were guessing and I had very poor results from the medicines that I was given. So I don't know if my failure in life is due to mental illness or me just being a lazy, self-pitying bum.

But whatever the cause may be, the fact remains that my life is ruined at this time and I'm in real danger of ending up homeless someday. So I spend all of my prayer time asking and pleading with God to take me out of this life to be with Him in heaven today. All of the negative feelings I have are unbearably painful. I wish that I didn't have to stay in this life and feel this way anymore. I just feel shame, embarassment, failure, rejection, isolation, emptiness, and terror of the future.

I know that it's babyish of me to want God to come and rescue me out of here. But I'm desperate and I don't see any other way out of the mess that my life has become. I just want to go and be in heaven where I won't have to hurt anymore. I want to be with the Father and the Lord Jesus. God accepts me because of the Lord Jesus Christ's blood payment for my sins on the cross of Calvary. So God the Father and the Lord Jesus would never laugh at me or make fun of me for being ugly like people in this world have. So why should I not want to leave this life now? Why should I not want to go and be with my Father and my Savior now? Who would dare to make fun of me in heaven in front of God?

I knew this would end up as a pity party.

 

[Evenstar253]

I have to go to work soon and don't have enough time to give the quality of response this post deserves, but let's just say that although my situation is different, I relate so much to the feelings of being a failure. The fear of failure has been with me nearly all my life, and lately the thoughts have been pretty much tormenting me. All the encouragement in the world can't seem to get rid of them, since I've been unable to let go.

As for the meds, the science behind psychotropics still lags behind that of many other types of medications (although there's been great progress in recent years), so prescribing psychotropics is still as much of an art form as it is a science. The fact that you haven't responded well to the meds is NOT an indication that you don't have an illness in the first place; it merely means simply that you haven't responded well to the meds.

 

[plumsink]

I am sympathetic to your fear of one day being on the street, I feel the same way. But sometimes you never know what you are capable of doing, until you have to do it.

Do you have any marketable skills? If not, it might assuage your fear if you can get some. Of course I do have marketable skills but am still afraid, but maybe it will help. Are you physically healthy? Believe me, that makes a difference, be glad of your health if you have it.

You can also get aid from the government, there are government organizations that are dedicated to helping people with disabilities find jobs.

There ARE options, don't give up hope yet. It might help for you to focus on things you CAN do versus things you can't yet do.

Take care friend

 

[rachel22]

i think we have to have faith that God will provide for our needs. yes, we are suffering in this world so why should we stay in it? well.....i don't know all the reasons why we suffer. i do know that if it was God's will to take us home right now today, he would. Jesus had to suffer.....he had to go ahead and let himself be killed so that we can be saved, right? he could not choose to skip out on the cross and still save our souls. so he is our example, because he had to obey the will of God (even when it hurt) and so do we. and then when Jesus had finished his mission that is when God took him home. same with us....we have to finish our "mission"....our lives.

isaiah 53:10, talking about Jesus "Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand."

James 5:11 "As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy."

 

[hope_is_last_to_die]

Fear for the future, I was struggling with this fear last night. Started to get in a panic about it and I had to remind myself that my Father God cares for me and He will never fail me. This calmed me down

 

[power2theweak]

I agree with a lot of what has been said. Tom, just as sure as the Lord has prepared a wonderful place for you in heaven, He will be with you here on earth, providing for your needs. Living in this world is not easy, but it is when we go through the tough times that we really learn to trust Him. God has planned out your whole life. He knows what you will need in the future, and He is making sure that you'll have everything you need.

(((Tom)))

 

[miss-a]

And Tom, you don't need to label your post a pity party. To me it sounds like you are in the throes of full blown depression. When I was off my meds a few weeks ago I had many of the same feelings. I hope you will see a new doctor or keep after your current to try new meds. The right ones can make a world of difference. I understand that it's tough to advocate for yourself when you feel so miserable, but if you can get your brain chemistry straightened out, you will feel so much better and will grow in confidence that the Lord will not allow you to be destitute. Because He won't. Just as you would not leave your beautiful neices destitute if it were in your power to prevent it, He will not leave you distitute, because it is in His power to prevent it and He loves you dearly.

It's just so hard to take that in, believe it, or even remember it when your brain chemicals are fighting against you. Please do make it a priority to get someone to help you with that. Sometimes you just have to insist.

Praying foryou, Tom.
A

 

[annrobert]

I'm reluctant to write this because it's going to sound like a pity party. But I'll give it my best shot to be objective and not go overboard into self-pity.

Hi Tom,

Asking for help and support or needing to vent your hurt is not a pity party.
Many people are hurting and need to express their feelings and know people care and ask for support.
I understand about depression and sadness and how hard it can be to bear those feelings.I have gone through much depression and hurt and despair in my life too and I know how bad it can hurt.
Some prophets and others in the bible hurt so bad they wished to die, they felt hurt and pain just like you.
Jesus understands our hurts and cares for us.
I too have hurt so bad at times in my life that I wished I never existed.
Jesus understands our pain and He wants to heal and restore our souls.
The pain will not last for ever.
Jesus invites us to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us and Jesus invites us to come to Him for rest.
I am sorry that you are hurting, yet never give up because the pain will not last forever.Jesus loves you deeply, He cares for you and understands and is always listening.It is only up to Jesus when to take us home, but when Jesus does take us home He will wipe all tears from our eyes.It is not up to us when our time is up, only Jesus.
We must persevere, and keep hoping and obeying Jesus.
There is purpose for your life.
God plans to give us hope and a future.
There may be people who need your help and encouragement and understanding and example .There may be people who need to hear the gospel from you,or need you to listen to them.Even the help and support you give to people online.Remember Jesus loves you deeply.


My life is in a shambles and I feel helpless to change it for the better. My life in this world is an embarassing failure.

We are weak sometimes, but Jesus is strong.Jesus does not have the same expectations that people do.Mental pain and afflictions is no different than other illnesses except in my opinion they are even more disabling and painful than other illnesses.People do not expect a person who has been run over to be strong and healthy.The same with a person who has a mental disability, do not expect more from yourself than you can do.Just wait on Jesus and call out to Him and read the bible.Let Jesus worry about the rest , He says to cast our cares on Him, because He cares for us.Be gentle with yourself, just as Jesus is,okay.

I function so badly in the world, that I am afraid that I will be living in the gutter on the street someday. Probably soon, in the next 5 years or so.


It sounds like you may be expecting to much from yourself right now.It is okay just to rest and receive help.Call out to Jesus and tell Him about your feelings and worries and ask for help.Just rest under Jesus wings and get help from a pastor or counsellor doctor if you feel the need.Jesus will meet your needs just as He does the flower, He will not leave you homeless,He is trustworthy.I know that may not seem so easy to believe right now though.
I don't know if I have a clinical mental illness, I'm frustrated with the answers that I have gotten from doctors over the years. I've been told that I might have major depression, bipolar, post traumatic stress, and I forget what else. But it really seemed like the doctors were guessing and I had very poor results from the medicines that I was given. So I don't know if my failure in life is due to mental illness or me just being a lazy, self-pitying bum.

Sometimes a person may need to keep trying different medication and even if medication does not help, it does not mean you are not ill.Same with any illness.

But whatever the cause may be, the fact remains that my life is ruined at this time and I'm in real danger of ending up homeless someday. So I spend all of my prayer time asking and pleading with God to take me out of this life to be with Him in heaven today. All of the negative feelings I have are unbearably painful. I wish that I didn't have to stay in this life and feel this way anymore. I just feel shame, embarassment, failure, rejection, isolation, emptiness, and terror of the future.

Jesus understands your pain and your feelings,but you are here for a reason,and God wants to give you hope and a future and restore your soul and give you rest.

I know that it's babyish of me to want God to come and rescue me out of here. But I'm desperate and I don't see any other way out of the mess that my life has become. I just want to go and be in heaven where I won't have to hurt anymore. I want to be with the Father and the Lord Jesus. God accepts me because of the Lord Jesus Christ's blood payment for my sins on the cross of Calvary. So God the Father and the Lord Jesus would never laugh at me or make fun of me for being ugly like people in this world have. So why should I not want to leave this life now? Why should I not want to go and be with my Father and my Savior now? Who would dare to make fun of me in heaven in front of God?
Psalm 139


1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: 24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting



I knew this would end up as a pity party.

It is not a pity party to express your hurts and need to be understood and receive support and encouragement, it is okay.Many people have depression and I do not think you blame them, rather you care.
Jesus loves you

 

[Lighthouse76]

Yes, it is very very hard. When the dark cloud of depression gives no brakes whatsoever on top of our heads is really tough. And I guess it is what you are going throu, Tom..

When you say you dont know if you have a mental illness and you come up with some names of diseases already given by doctors..I dont get it..you then went to the MD and got some medicines that did not work..but it is well known that people must try many until find a "good' one..how many have you tried and how long you took it? Sorry..I do not want to pry..but just trying to understand and to know if you tried and did everything possible. It is ok if you did not but that also is information needed to be provided for those treating you..as not following the whole treatment "they" precribed...

Anyways...it is very tough to be positive at all when there is depression cloud on top of our heads. There is not motivations, energy , stamina, no sunshine..it just suck big time! Please Tom, do not give up and go looking for help, knock all doors and keep knocking!

I am praying you keep pressing against all odds, you keep pressing Tom. This cloud is not you at all, your identity is not the one you see between the depression cloud. It is all foggy do not trust on it even if you feel it is by much exposure to it..our perceptions are all compromissed when we go throu it and stay there for long periods of time saps us all like a vampire, big big time.

come here my brother and give big hug!

I'm reluctant to write this because it's going to sound like a pity party. But I'll give it my best shot to be objective and not go overboard into self-pity. My life is in a shambles and I feel helpless to change it for the better. My life in this world is an embarassing failure. I function so badly in the world, that I am afraid that I will be living in the gutter on the street someday. Probably soon, in the next 5 years or so.

I don't know if I have a clinical mental illness, I'm frustrated with the answers that I have gotten from doctors over the years. I've been told that I might have major depression, bipolar, post traumatic stress, and I forget what else. But it really seemed like the doctors were guessing and I had very poor results from the medicines that I was given. So I don't know if my failure in life is due to mental illness or me just being a lazy, self-pitying bum.

But whatever the cause may be, the fact remains that my life is ruined at this time and I'm in real danger of ending up homeless someday. So I spend all of my prayer time asking and pleading with God to take me out of this life to be with Him in heaven today. All of the negative feelings I have are unbearably painful. I wish that I didn't have to stay in this life and feel this way anymore. I just feel shame, embarassment, failure, rejection, isolation, emptiness, and terror of the future.

I know that it's babyish of me to want God to come and rescue me out of here. But I'm desperate and I don't see any other way out of the mess that my life has become. I just want to go and be in heaven where I won't have to hurt anymore. I want to be with the Father and the Lord Jesus. God accepts me because of the Lord Jesus Christ's blood payment for my sins on the cross of Calvary. So God the Father and the Lord Jesus would never laugh at me or make fun of me for being ugly like people in this world have. So why should I not want to leave this life now? Why should I not want to go and be with my Father and my Savior now? Who would dare to make fun of me in heaven in front of God?

I knew this would end up as a pity party.

 

[TomCS]

Thanks everyone! I've been on 10 or 12 different medicines, most of them for months at a time and they just don't work for me. They just cause me unwanted side effects and don't really elevate my mood. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I resent it when people in my life act like I'm being depressed on purpose. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to be negative, unhappy, miserable all the time. But I am miserable all the time and I only feel relief from that for short periods of time. I'm angry all the time about how badly people have treated me my whole life. People used me as a safe and easy target to abuse, to make themselves feel better. I resent it and I can't just let it go. I'm finding it hard to do as God says in Colossians 3:13, "even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

 

[Criada]

Forgiveness is very hard... but it is something we all need to learn, not for the sake of those we forgive, but for our own, because that anger and bitterness hurts us.
It took me almost 30 years to be able to forgive those who abused me... but eventually I found that if I prayed for them every day I started to feel God's love for them too, and then... forgiveness happened, not through any effort of mine, but naturally.

It isn't easy, though.

 

[Thankful For Grace]

Are you reading the Word every day? Are you understanding that every thought and emotion we humans have-- if they are not viewed in the Light of and submitted to the Truth of Jesus Christ; the Word of God; and the Holy Spirit, are probably generated by the enemy of our souls who wants to destroy us?

I really am praying for you, Tom. You do not have to stay in this place you are in. Jesus actually died in your place to free you from the deception of Satan and his kingdom.

In Christ, we who believe in Him are free from the dominion of darkness and ushered into the Kingdom of Light. I truly pray that you will see this Truth. The greatest tricks of the enemy of our souls are impatience and despair. Forsake these traps and trust Jesus. He, Alone, can save us from all human sentiments and foibles.

May God bless and keep you.

 

[rachel22]

criada is right, forgiveness helps us too, not just those that have hurt us. i know it is extremely hard to forgive bullies, i know first hand. i heard someone say, that just go ahead and make an effort to forgive them (in your heart).....i think its a process that takes time.....it is a choice of the will, so even tho your feelings dont want to do it you can make a choice of the will to forgive. i think God will bless our efforts if he sees that we are trying. and someone said, that forgiveness doesn't mean we have to say that what so-and-so did to us didn't hurt. it means we "let it go" even tho it did hurt.

 

[TomCS]

Are you reading the Word every day? Are you understanding that every thought and emotion we humans have-- if they are not viewed in the Light of and submitted to the Truth of Jesus Christ; the Word of God; and the Holy Spirit, are probably generated by the enemy of our souls who wants to destroy us?

I really am praying for you, Tom. You do not have to stay in this place you are in. Jesus actually died in your place to free you from the deception of Satan and his kingdom.

In Christ, we who believe in Him are free from the dominion of darkness and ushered into the Kingdom of Light. I truly pray that you will see this Truth. The greatest tricks of the enemy of our souls are impatience and despair. Forsake these traps and trust Jesus. He, Alone, can save us from all human sentiments and foibles.

May God bless and keep you.

Could you clarify something for me please. Are you saying that you think that I am not saved?

 

[Thankful For Grace]

Oh, no, not saying that at all!!

I never meant in any way to imply that. I am just encouraging you to encourage yourself in all the wonderful truths of God's Word (like King David encouraged himself in the Lord) and in Jesus Christ's victory that He won for us on the cross.

I find that the more I read the Bible and think about Christ's provision for us the more I am able to fight off the attacks of the enemy, who is the accusor of us Christians and wants to keep us in despair. That is what I meant. I have struggled with many of the things you spoke of, and my prayer for you is that you will find comfort and peace in the word.

Also, I thought the posts by Rachel and Criada about forgiving contained very good insight. Just now reading some of the older posts. Many others are caring about and praying for you, and encouraging you.

Could you clarify something for me please. Are you saying that you think that I am not saved?

 

[TomCS]

My life is ruined completely. I have no idea how to fix it and there is no way to get back all of the years that I have wasted. And if I could have my entire life to do over again from the beginning, I know that I would just mess it up again. I have nothing in the world and I never will. I wish I could fall down onto the floor dead this minute. I've got nothing to look forward to until after I die.

Dear Jesus my Savior, please get me out of here now.

 

[Criada]

Tom, every morning you wake up to an ongoing relationship with God, to the knowledge that Jesus is with you and will be throughout the day... that is something to look forward to. If you are still here, it's because he has work for you to do... and He knows you won't mess it up.
And remember, he has promised:

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten" (Joel 2:25)

 

[annrobert]

My life is ruined completely. I have no idea how to fix it and there is no way to get back all of the years that I have wasted. And if I could have my entire life to do over again from the beginning, I know that I would just mess it up again. I have nothing in the world and I never will. I wish I could fall down onto the floor dead this minute. I've got nothing to look forward to until after I die.

Dear Jesus my Savior, please get me out of here now.

God plans to give us hope and a future and He makes all things new.
You have hope and a future Tom, even when you cannot see it or it does not feel like it.
Jesus loves you.
Things will not be this way forever.
Some people in the bible also wanted to die,yet God did not take them home at that time, but He did love on them and take care of them.

Criada posted a great scripture here

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten" (Joel 2:25)

 

[power2theweak]

Tom,

Did you see the video that Miss-A posted awhile back? Gateway Church

I really encourage you to watch it. It has been such a source of encouragement and healing for me. I can't even tell you how many times I've watched it/listened to it...usually at least once a day. I have to listen to it over and over and just let it sink in...I need to get those thoughts--God's thoughts about me and my life--into my brain. And it is happening...these positive thoughts are starting to pop into my head during the day, as I am doing other things.

We all mess things up. We all make mistakes. That is why we need Jesus. God has a wonderful plan for you here on earth, Tom. He wants to help you accomplish His will in your life. He wouldn't put you here to do what He wants you to do without giving you the tools that you need. He will give you everything that you need. Trust Him. He loves you and is spurring you along. He can always fix our mistakes and clean up our messes...there is no problem too big for Him.

Please take a few minutes to watch the video. I believe it will encourage you.

(((Tom)))

My life is ruined completely. I have no idea how to fix it and there is no way to get back all of the years that I have wasted. And if I could have my entire life to do over again from the beginning, I know that I would just mess it up again. I have nothing in the world and I never will. I wish I could fall down onto the floor dead this minute. I've got nothing to look forward to until after I die.

Dear Jesus my Savior, please get me out of here now.

 

[aflower4God]

Forgiveness is very hard... but it is something we all need to learn, not for the sake of those we forgive, but for our own, because that anger and bitterness hurts us.
It took me almost 30 years to be able to forgive those who abused me... but eventually I found that if I prayed for them every day I started to feel God's love for them too, and then... forgiveness happened, not through any effort of mine, but naturally.

It isn't easy, though.

AMEN sister, I have been trying so hard to do this with my parent you know forgiving them cause that I KNOW that is what Jesus ask for us to do. And you are right it turns into bitterness and hurt major hurt. Your post is so right on sweet loving sister. I am sorry that you have been abused. God bless you and lots of love to you