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Featured Fear of Oppo Sex

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Matthew Frazier, Jul 31, 2019.

  1. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    Very convicting post - I have frequently fallen short of the Greatest Commandment in recent times. These last few years have been stressful but I guess in the process I have become more like Martha than Mary, so I have become more obsessed with pleasing people than taking comfort in God's favor. Thanks so much for this post! This can really help me find my way back toward Christ.
     
  2. Aabbie James

    Aabbie James A Slave of Christ Jesus

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    So have I. Blessings, in Christ. Amen.
     
  3. yeshuaslavejeff

    yeshuaslavejeff simple truth, martyr, disciple of Yahshua

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    Anabaptist
    Jesus is PERFECT - COMPLETELY , UTTERLY, ABSOLUTELY PERFECT !
     
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  4. Persis

    Persis Titus 3:4-7

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    Hi. Have you ever tried taking a personality test? This is my idea after reading your post. Have you ever heard of the Meyer Briggs test? It is a test that identifies 16 personalities of which have been shaped by a combination of genetics, childhood influences, conditioning and environment. I was thinking that it may be helpful to you to do the test, and learn about the many aspects of your personality. For example do you know what your strengths are; the gifts that God has given you? Do you know your weaknesses, and how it may cause you problems? Finding out your strengths could help shift your thinking from your current situation to one of seeing the beauty and uniqueness of you, who God made, instead of the rejection of the women in your life. Literally everybody..every person.. every personality type, has their strengths and weaknesses. None of us are alone! Your strengths (which you should readily recognize upon reflection after taking the test) can be built upon, and your weaknesses you could pray about, find specific scripture, or pursue counselling in a more targetted and deeper understanding.

    I have personally found that the Myers Briggs test to be very valuable (although again it does not rival the Holy Spirit or the Word of God). It has an uncanny way of presenting insights that are both life changing and very enlightening. But it should be only used as a useful tool, as Christians we know that human beings are far more complex than any test could show. I believe it has a lot of merit when used properly. For example I am an INFJ, and it has really helped me quite a bit in several ways!

    If this is not for you, then no worries, disregard my post but I will attach a couple links in case you are interested:

    Personality Types | 16Personalities
    Free personality test | 16Personalities
    (There are also other websites you can google that also offer information on the types that may add even further insight to your type).

    I pray that God will richly bless and heal you. Take good care..
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
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  5. Cherrein

    Cherrein New Member

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    I struggled with self esteem, confidence, and self worth for a very long time. My relationship with God really helped with that and the closer I got to Him the more I saw myself through His eyes and not my own or those of the world.

    My favourite Psalm really helped me also, especially this verse:

    "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well" Psalm 139:14.

    You sound like a very very nice guy. I wonder if the way you feel about yourself prevents you from realising that there are bound to be women who like you, would like you, too and you are not picking up on this. Whenever your mind starts telling you lies, starts making you doubt your worth, your value, defeat those negative thoughts with what God says about you. They can become strongholds over your life if you let them.

    You are loved, you are Chosen, you are worthy, you are wonderfully made, you are made in the image of God, no one is like you, you are unique, God has a plan and a purpose for your life that only you can fulfill.

    God bless you and may He grant you the desires of your heart and may He help you see all the wonderful qualities, gifts and treasures that He has placed within you, and may others see them too. May God "lift your head". Walk tall. You are a man of God, a child of the King.
     
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  6. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    I have actually tried personality tests in the past but your recommendation to complete one is not a bad thought at all. In fact I think it is one of the most beneficial steps to self-discovery. When I have taken those tests before I have frequently answered questions with the intention of making myself feel better about being social in a world that wants us to all be extroverted and have a million friends. This was the case in my years of college, where the norm gave the vibe of putting self-care/discovery on the backburner to please people in your social life or please the profs with an excellent GPA. But this came during a time before I realized the need to recognize my own strengths and weaknesses, rather than simply following a cookbook to live out my life. Instead of requiring constant connection with others like I previously envisioned, I have begun to recognize the importance of spending time alone to recharge. I don’t know if I would still come up as an E in another personality test, but I have taken greater peace lately in my more peaceful slower-paced self also, which I can further embrace in such tests. Thanks for sharing!
     
  7. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    The response from Cherrein is a winner, and really helps me to possibly rekindle a light that had burned out a long time ago, particularly in this psalm by giving it a whole new meaning. I am a rather courageous person by nature when it comes to new experiences, but under the pressure from the school I recently graduated from, getting a job, and of course the pressure cooker of “not being good enough” has made me less receptive to women’s messages, as you hinted. I’ve been hiding in fear from people for so long that that I’ve started to stagnate in the thoughts I have over myself, so this post is one of the most encouraging things I’ve read in a long time. On top of being a child of God what have you seen in me that has helped you to deem me as a nice person?

    Thank you so much for sharing this light of hope and for these declarations! :) :) :)
     
  8. turkle

    turkle Blessed

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    The difficulty with trying to be good enough or building self esteem or being attractive to the opposite sex is that it is entirely self-focused. Our culture encourages this self centered mind set, and leads us to determine our own value based upon comparisons with others. You mentioned that this is your problem with social media; you compare yourself to others and determine that you fall short.

    Jesus said to love God and others, to serve them. When you serve people, you take your eyes off of yourself and focus on serving God and others. Self centered people, especially when it causes depression because they feel inadequate, are not attractive to anybody. It's hard to make friends when you are turned inward.

    Jesus served at all times. He drew people to Himself because His love was authentic and not self seeking. It was natural for people to follow Him because of His Godliness and goodness. One of our main goals as followers of Christ is to become ever more like Him. If that is your priority, then a nice side effect will be that you will also draw people to yourself because you reflect His character.

    My suggestion to you is to put aside self centeredness and seeking a romantic partner, and instead find a way to serve people. There are thousands of opportunities, and through prayer God will lead you to one. When you focus your heart outward, you will attract like-minded people into friendship. God willing, one of those friendships can blossom into romance. But first become the man that will attract a Godly woman. When God determines that you are ready, He will likely bring one to you.
     
  9. joshua 1 9

    joshua 1 9 Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Maybe you are the one making them feel rejected. Most women want to feel that they are loved, wanted and special. There are women out there that would go with anyone that makes them feel that way. It is not so much how they feel about you as how they feel about themselves when they are with you. They want a man that will make them feel loved, safe, cherished and valued. Someone that builds them up and encourages them. It is a man's job to shelter and protect his women and keep her safe and secure. In third world nations women often just want a man that can put food on the table, shoes on their feet and a roof over their head. They want some security in life and to feel safe is to be comfortable and secure. If you do not have a lot of money you can always find a women in a third world nation that just wants to climb up out of the poverty range.
     
  10. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    I don't think I can relate to this post. I've made plenty of women feel loved even after developing my recent fears against them. It's just that somehow no matter how hard I try something won't add up. Plus I've got anxiety where every awkward moment or flaw is internalized so this further reinforces the fact that every quandary in life is my fault, thus rekindling a sort of self-centerdness as turkle says.
     
  11. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    I definitely resonate with everything that you have said here, especially in the "me" generation, which I am not particularly proud to be a part of. While I am also in the transition from college to the work force, every social media post praising a new relationship or marriage and "good intention" from my friends and family seems to exacerbate my already existing stress. The next question, out of a fear of people in general and of making a good impression though is do I really have anything to offer......
     
  12. NativeAmes

    NativeAmes New Member

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    As a christian we are to let go of what the world influences us to be and be who God wants us to be, if we have any problems or anxiety we are to pray/ask and receive peace/answers through Him. Remember paul said it is better if we remain single but if you have to couple up, do it right as per Gods laws. Im pretty sure i'm a person that is destined to remain single but i'm "wired" that way and have always preferred it, you sound like the opposite and need a partner, which is fine i'm just saying that you need to figure out what God wants from you, not society, family or community norms. You have to get to a place where you feel confident and strong with what God planned for you, not anxious and insecure because of what the world wants you to be.
     
  13. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    I guess I have been spending too much time in the world. It's been hard to find good examples of Christians who aren't worldly but God is the only example we should follow. If you asked me if I wanted a GF/spouse 4 years ago, I would have easily said yes. But now at 24 my reasons for companionship of any kind are shifting. I'm having a difficult time differentiating between cynicism and practicality but going off of my previous point of what I wanted out of a relationship, my former reasons have been to follow the crowd while disregarding the consequences of imperfect relationships. So now really I'm more comfortable being single knowing that I'm not willing to give up my independence, social life or my own relationship with God to satisfy a romantic partner, but at the same time I'm confused.
     
  14. NativeAmes

    NativeAmes New Member

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    Me too i'm confused in some areas i'm trying to figure out still but have faith that Creator and Jesus will show us when we're ready for the next step in spiritual development. This is our current mountain (mine is different from yours) and i know mine currently is not the instant epiphanies i got used to receiving before but this one is more of a slow walk for me and i have to make decisions that are adverse to everything i previously knew and was to get there, its a toughie but i know i have to completely "let go" of the world and trust Creator in all things, even if they don't make sense, but i know if it follows the honorable values he sets on us per the bible, then it comes from Him and would be approved. Its definitely the part i'm experiencing the slowest growth in right now.
     
  15. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    We most definitely seem to have more similarities than differences in our mountains. I used to be the one who got ideas from instant epiphanies also, but my old ways of thinking have been challenged as to understand the "why" and "how" of various facets of life. Why do people who love me the most believe in encouragin thoughts over me? Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? These are example rhetorical questions I've found that require more than a simple answer, such as is my case here and in both our walks with Christ. But I think becoming self-aware like you are helping me here is a start!
     
  16. NativeAmes

    NativeAmes New Member

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    You know whats been helping me lately, watching testimonies on youtube. Some of them are so heart wrenching but you can feel and sense the truth in many of them. The answer as to why God allows bad things to happen to good people will be answered for you there, he answered that question for those who came out of dark places and had a visit by Jesus which led to their testimony. Anything i can to do help, the easiest way for me is to share my own experiences and hope someone else can connect to it and vice versa so i end up learning something from you/others. This testimony (linked) made me bawl my eyes out
     
  17. thecolorsblend

    thecolorsblend If God is your Father, who is your Mother?

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    Something to remember is that being in a relationship or a marriage isn't the be-all, end-all. Some people are called to a vocation other than marriage. And there's nothing wrong with that.

    Your problems are very relatable to me. I understand where you're coming from. The thing to remember is that women aren't perfect either. They have their own problems and challenges. They also have their own lives and distractions. It's totally possible that none of them ever intended to cause you any confusion.

    Based on your post up there, it looks like you're the kind of person who needs to go slow with a relationship. It also sounds like you need a fair amount of personal space. And boy do I relate to that!

    My point is that your needs are perfectly reasonable. And it's perfectly reasonable to think that if you're called to marriage, you'll be able to find a woman who can give you what you require from a relationship. Be patient.

    And above all, don't go too hard on yourself. Anxiety and PTSD symptoms are not easy things to live with. Luckily for you, there's a lot more awareness about those things today so you'll probably have an easier time finding someone who understands you.

    Have patience. Hang in there. And keep the faith!
     
  18. Matthew Frazier

    Matthew Frazier Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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    NativeAmes Thank you so much for sharing this link and putting all of your thoughtfulness into answers such as these. The very fact that you were willing to answer some of the hypothetical questions that I threw out proves that you took me and my situation to heart. I’ll have to keep checking out some of these testimonies! After several years of enduring some hard trials maybe this can rekindle my faith. I can use all of the help I can get, and let me know if you ever need help as well.

    And tcb provides a good reason for me to return to CF after a year long absence. Even people close to me have either been distracted or wanted to drag me into the dating game while I was still mourning over lost potential loves. So it’s people like you and everyone else on here that proves that there are people who finally understand me and are similar to me. Some comments from my parents about this matter about needing to give up independence for a relationship has made me unhappy in recent times, so even if that’s not the case every time you’re a light of hope that there are people out there like myself! Glad I’m not going crazy!



    Even when people have praised me for viewing women as equals I have been guilty of putting them on pedestals. It’s refreshing to provide a new perspective here when I’ve stagnated in my own for so long. After being flustered with living in a hook up culture and pressure from my church groups, high school and college for so long it’s great to finally see someone who values space and gradual relationship development like I do. Throughout my life so far trying to hook up with every woman I met seemed very inorganic and daunting. I deeply evaluated possible consequences of a relationship before pursuing one any further to avoid distraction away from my education and future career, but I guess I also found someone who appreciates that too!



    Thank you thecolorsblend! :) :) :)
     
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