Fat girls

[seeingeyes]

If you don't feel an attraction to someone, that's fine. But to base who you will date on their weight, which is how I (possibly mistakenly) read your OP, is shallow.

I have to (partially) disagree with this point. People are allowed to base 'who they will date' on whatever criteria they like.

No one owes anyone else 'a shot' at an exclusive relationship.

In terms of your friend, she needs strong women around her to teach her her worth in God's eyes, and to help her cultivate and recognize her own beauty.

What she definitely does not need is some meathead to date her because he was guilted into it by people who accused him of being shallow.

 

[Elliewaves]

I didn't read through this; just the OP. It's a loaded question; she's hoping you will say she's beautiful just how she is, etc.... It puts you in a bad spot even if you do think that b/c you are not attracted to her. Just tell her she looks perfect for her at this time, but if she wants to work out with you she's invited to do so (assuming that you are friends that hang out together). if you don't want or like her constantly asking these things; then distance yourself or tell her that makes you uncomfortable.

 

[Avniel]

This IS a topic where I am particularly sensitive. Too many young men look only at the outside. I know some beautiful women - until they open their mouth. There's a saying that pretty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

Yes, I am somewhat overweight, and have been abused because of it. Not physically abused, but laughed at, made fun of, and rejected.

If you don't feel an attraction to someone, that's fine. But to base who you will date on their weight, which is how I (possibly mistakenly) read your OP, is shallow.

And I stand by my statement that people should spend at least as much time "working out" spiritually as they do physically. I know several people who working out is definitely an idol. The post I commented on struck me that way, with the same attitude.

It just disturbs me how people care so much about the outside, when it's what is inside that matters. It is overwhelming. I just responded to a lady on another forum where I am a moderator, and she was desperately depressed because she felt ignored, left behind, and it's stupid. This is a beautiful, wonderful woman, rejected because of a warped sense of what beauty is. (Yes, I have permission to share.)

(Putting the soapbox on a high shelf somewhere.)

At the sametime I know several people that eating is idol as well. I work out I also train and when I work out I sleep better, I have more energy, I don't get tired as fast. It has some very good benifits. When I run what do you think a lot of Christian runs do when the run for 3 miles....do you think they just think "oh this jog is super cool I'm the man?" I have had a 3 miles conversation with God and no distractions.

People that working out is an idol is freakishly big, often times they use drugs to increase their growth, they damage their bodies.....I don't know to many people that do that. Unłess you live on south beach I don't think you know to many people that do that.

I don't like to see people discourage health and fitness I there are to many people in my community that die because of diabetes and other issues that come with being over weight.

Also I don't think anyone is saying that beauty is the only reason to date a woman. However there are certain things that a man may find unattractive and that alone should disqualify a woman from courtship. You make it seem like there is something wrong with being with someone who is attractive. My wife was raised in the church, volunteers in the community, has a masters in IO pschyology, she's kind, nurturing, loving, not messy, laid back, never been in a fight and loves everyone she would help anyone. She is slim, she has no stomach at all(well now she does she's pregnant but that weight drops quick), 5'6 slanted eyes, dark complexion, natural kinky hair......she's hot super hot. I love the way she looks and I love her personality, even when she's pregnant she is still hot. I have everything I want in a woman.

 

[Avniel]

I have to (partially) disagree with this point. People are allowed to base 'who they will date' on whatever criteria they like.

No one owes anyone else 'a shot' at an exclusive relationship.

In terms of your friend, she needs strong women around her to teach her her worth in God's eyes, and to help her cultivate and recognize her own beauty.

What she definitely does not need is some meathead to date her because he was guilted into it by people who accused him of being shallow.

That what I think that's not going to help her it's just going to make her attached to a person that doesn't find her attractive.

 

[OntheHorizon]

stormdancer

Why would I date someone who is not attractive to me?

Please don't feel like I thought YOU were or probably were overweight.

and its obvious that a person needs to be spiritually fit too, there simply isn't a reason to think that a gym rat isn't.

 

[truthhopejustice]

Ok... tell me when its perfectly ok to tell an obese female that she's obese or not pretty to you. Why isn't that ok? Why can't a husband ask his wife to lose 20 ibs?

because they will have their eyes clawed out if they do.

Most women know they are overweight if they are and already want to lose the weight. Especially with society seeing rail thin as the ideal image for a woman - well women are conscious of this. Way more than men are.

It's rare that a woman is lazy and just wants to eat potato chips and doesn't realize she's overweight, then when her husband or friend points it out she exclaims "Oh thank you for telling me that - I didn't know! and thank you for telling me how important it is that I lose weight. I didn't know I look more attractive thinner. I had NO idea!"

No. Women want to be thin. But sometimes hormones are off balance and they have a really hard time losing. or sometimes they are eating because they are hurting emotionally. Sometimes they eat to much because they grew up with parents that lived that lifestyle and it's ingrained into them. Trying to change it is tough! and every now and then a girl will eat just because they enjoy it and are lazy. But with society's standards with rail thin being beautiful these women are in the minority.

Which means in almost every case a girl already knows she is overweight and already feels bad about it, already has tried to change it and probably gone on multiple starvation diets, but feels powerless to change it. So then when you point out something that she has already tried to change and failed it hurts! It's painful emotionally. So why do this?! It's not helpful as you think it is. It doesn't accomplish anything good.

Since women are emotional beings the best thing you can do is acknowledge the positive traits in her and make her feel loved emotionally. If she is eating for emotional reasons this may actually help her lose weight! But, I caution you, stop looking at women as purely physical beings. Society encourages this way too much as is. It's dumb. This woman who is overweight has many strong positive traits and abilities. Why focus on the weight? When she asks "Am I fat?" what she really means is "Do I have value? Will people love me?" answer that question for her by showing her love and pointing out her many abilities. Even if she never loses the weight she is a valuable person with gifts and talents and a unique personality. We need to help women focus on themselves as a whole person, not just a physical being. and men need to stop seeing women that way too.

If you love someone you love the whole person - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. If you are only focusing on a women's weight you arent loving her. Plain and simple.

 

[truthhopejustice]

By the way to the OP --

It's ok if you don't find fat girls attractive. But what you have to watch out for is that society has ingrained it into men to value appearance above anything else. and to value sex above anything else. It's so bad that a guy will pass up a less attractive woman who he can really connect with and form a relationship with for a super hot girl because the sex will be good, even if her personality is not as good of a match with his.

This is not the way of God. God never said you should be with someone you find ugly, but He did say your priorities need to be right. It seems to me that you are overly concerned with appearance. You have a whole thread devoted to it. and your over concern is basically selfishness. Because a man who's main focus is on a woman's appearance wants her for his pleasure and can't really love her fully.

I worry what will happen if you marry a girl and she gets wrinkles. You say you don't like fat girls, but I'm not sure that's the case entirely. I'm concerned that you have made yourself a god. and that when your woman can't please you like she could before - when she gets an illness or gets wrinkles or fails you in some other way - that you won't love her anymore.

Now I don't know that this is the case and I'm not trying to accuse you. I may very well be wrong. But really think about it. Is this really about fat girls vs thin girls, or is it about finding a girl for your own happiness and serving self? If your wife gets sick for 5 years will you stand beside her? Will you love her when self isnt being served? What about when you are old, will you not find her attractive anymore? Will you wish you could be wth a young girl? Ask yourself these questions.

and no it's not wrong to want a thin woman. But this seems deeper to me. If I'm wrong I apologize though. I'm not God and I can't see inside your heart. All I ask is Think about it.

 

[truthhopejustice]

Also to the OP

Would you date this girl if she wasn't overweight? If that's the case maybe she knows it and it's bothering her that she can't lose the weight and be with you. and even if it's not the case maybe she still thinks that.

 

[truthhopejustice]

That is rough. I've had my fair share of those, too. I guess I sort of file them under 'charity' rather than 'friendship', though, and then I'm not disappointed when there is no reciprocation.

A friendship with a solid woman is a beautiful thing, however. Don't stop looking, sister.

I do this exact thing too with people like that! I do still love them and care for them, but I dont make them close friends due to the fact they dont give love back. I love all people and always will and my love isn't based on how they treat me, but I can't be an enabler either so I can't form close friendships with these types of people - I love them from a distance and in a more philanthropic kind of way.

 

[Avniel]

stormdancer

Why would I date someone who is not attractive to me?

Please don't feel like I thought YOU were or probably were overweight.

and its obvious that a person needs to be spiritually fit too, there simply isn't a reason to think that a gym rat isn't.

If you kiss a girl and feel like

I don't think you two should be together. If being touched by a person in a romantic way makes you crawl then no you shouldn't be together. I don't even think its fair to the person your not attracted to and it's really not fair to yourself.

 

[Twip7]

...She's not fat, she's beautiful.

-eric

Why can't she be fat and beautiful? Because in this country, it's an oxymoron. The OP knew his idea and what he wanted to hear before he came, here, so not sure why the pretense - I haven't checked to see if he magically changed his mind.
Even the name of this thread - Fat Girls.
You OP are NOT talking about Fat Girls - you are talking about ONE Fat Girl who struggles with self esteem who happens to know you. You could have easily named this thread - To tell the truth or not? But this was not your aim. You wanted someone to agree with you and you don't want this girl to think you're a jerk.
Sounds like she's not the only one with self esteem issues.
BTW - and this might blow your mind - not all Fat Girls have low self esteem and they aren't just aching for you to validate them.
What?!

 

[OntheHorizon]

that movie is no basis for good morals avniel!!!!

haha

I do agree

 

[OntheHorizon]

Twip

my question is what to do, not am I wrong. The only assumption I make of overweight people is that I am not attracted to them.

 

[OntheHorizon]

truthhopejustice

Yes I would stand by them if I already loved them, I stood by my ex wife when things changed for her too.

 

[Avniel]

that movie is no basis good morals avniel!!!!

haha

I do agree

Lol I posted a picture of myself on FB and my friend posted the gif link I had to use it....what movie I know it's crazy.

 

[OntheHorizon]

oh youve never seen Team America?

Dont watch it, that movie would make Sauron go to confession. It is though a classic Comedy. Made by the producers of South Park.

 

[Avniel]

Why can't she be fat and beautiful? Because in this country, it's an oxymoron. The OP knew his idea and what he wanted to hear before he came, here, so not sure why the pretense - I haven't checked to see if he magically changed his mind.
Even the name of this thread - Fat Girls.
You OP are NOT talking about Fat Girls - you are talking about ONE Fat Girl who struggles with self esteem who happens to know you. You could have easily named this thread - To tell the truth or not? But this was not your aim. You wanted someone to agree with you and you don't want this girl to think you're a jerk.
Sounds like she's not the only one with self esteem issues.
BTW - and this might blow your mind - not all Fat Girls have low self esteem and they aren't just aching for you to validate them.
What?!

To want people to validate your feelings is normal human behavior. He was venting about a situation in a healthy way. I don't see any insecurity in this at all he saw a woman he thought was not attractive and came on here to question if he should have answered her question truthfully...so should he care if he hurt her feelings or made her feel bad.

How is wondering if you're wrong low self esteem?

 

[Avniel]

oh youve never seen Team America?

Dont watch it, that movie would make Sauron go to confession. It is though a classic Comedy. Made by the producers of South Park.

No I've never even have heard of it lol I'm good on my gutter tv I watched love and hip hop last night I can't stomach to much ratchetness lol.

 

[OntheHorizon]

avniel

Well Team America is what Satan watches when he needs motivation to be rude and nasty.

 

[OntheHorizon]

let's just clarify that settle doesn't mean settle for less than the perfect model... settle means settle for less tjan what really makes you happy. Not everyone likes the same things and looks aren't the only or most important things but they are important