Fat girls

[BFine]

Yeah I know.. but it would be nice to meet up with women who
value/love themselves and don't need someone to constantly
keep them built up on a regular basis... these one-way street
friendships get me down...been going through this since my school
days...

 

[OntheHorizon]

You may say enough to silence an insecure persons objections but you didn't really change them you just confused them, insecurity is based on confusion and questions I think... not knowledge.

That's my attempt at psychology for the day

 

[OntheHorizon]

Bfine

im sorry, you seem like a person who would be a very good friend.

 

[seeingeyes]

Yeah I know.. but it would be nice to meet up with women who
value/love themselves and don't need someone to constantly
keep them built up on a regular basis... these one-way street
friendships get me down...been going through this since my school
days...

That is rough. I've had my fair share of those, too. I guess I sort of file them under 'charity' rather than 'friendship', though, and then I'm not disappointed when there is no reciprocation.

A friendship with a solid woman is a beautiful thing, however. Don't stop looking, sister.

 

[OntheHorizon]

Yeah, I could never be with a man who is prettier than I am.

Well if it makes you feel good ill let know I have a mental image of you and you are divine!

 

[BFine]

Thanks.

I'm just having a moment...been a hard day here, everything is
on me and I don't have family support... folks busy with their own lives
and or they live so far away.

Thanks for letting me "vent"... it helps.

 

[seeingeyes]

Well if it makes you feel good ill let know I have a mental image of you and you are divine!

Thanks, bro. :holy fist bump:

 

[OntheHorizon]

thanks and no worries I'm a perfect gentleman!

 

[asiyreh]

Is hard not to see the flaws in the world and people Bfine.

Remembering we're all flawed in one respect or the other, this keeps us grounded and in touch with our own humanity and the rest of it.

I think we all feel a little like this sometimes though. It hard to relate to the rest of the world when Christ has touched your heart. Someday though you'll have every "spiritual relationship need," you ever felt met all at once and for all eternity.

So Bfine and give us a smile.

 

[MercyandFaith]

It's probably because - for women - appearance (aka weight) and value/worth are inextricably linked in our current culture. If a woman isn't beautiful, she's worthless. If she isn't thin (or at the very least "average" size), she's worthless. She knows she's overweight. She's hoping that, somehow, some way, she's still of value and worth in spite of it. Asking "do you think I look fat" isn't asking "do you not see that I'm obviously fat", it's asking "please say something kind to me, because my self-worth is fragile".

I'm a plus size girl who would never ask anyone if I look chubby, because I already know I do, I have eyes, I can see myself in the mirror lol. So I don't think this way, really, but I can understand where they're coming from. I will sometimes ask my husband if I look beautiful or pretty (I never say "fat" or "thin" because I already know the answer) just because I love knowing that my husband finds me beautiful. If I already know I look hideous (if I'm sick or tired or whatever), I don't ask that question, because the answer is already obvious to me. But because I know my husband loves me more than anything and finds me insanely beautiful and sexy, I'm secure in that, and I don't feel the need to have it affirmed ten times a day.

So it's all about self-worth and security. Asking for affirmation all the time is a sign that someone is desperately seeking acceptance, safety, and love.

Good info. Thanks!

 

[stormdancer0]

I completely agree with you. As somebody who works out everyday for an hour, 7 days a week, no excuses PERIOD both in the morning AND night, I totally get what your saying. In fact, I PREFER somebody to tell me if I am getting fat and it keeps me honest. Of course, wearing miniskirts and tanks leaves absolutely nothing to hide, I'm not capping myself up in sweatpants, if I gain 2 pounds it will show and I want it to because then its time for somebody to say something, slap me down (metaphorically PC police), and for me to get to the gym.

I prefer honesty over lies.

Because you are able to do this, you have some right to have an attitude with people who cannot? OR even will not?

Personally, since you are all that worried about what you look like on the outside, are you giving the same - or more - energy and time to the inside, to your spiritual growth? If not, your work-outs and obsession with the outer beauty is an idol for you, and not healthy.

 

[stormdancer0]

Laugh or get mad if you want... if an overweight female says " do you think I'm fat? " with that I HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM look on her face... what am I supposed to do? Say I like fat girls? Date her so she feels better? act like she's attractive? Lie and say shed not when she knowd I'm lying? If I agree that yes she's fat then I become the dark lord Sauron or Satan and the guilt is all mine. She did it to herself, not me.

I'm at a loss... I think honesty is best from now on. thoughts?

If you are so shallow as to reject a girl because she is overweight, you frankly deserve what you get.

In any case, you can use honesty without hurting her feelings. "I don't like that color on you."

or

"You aren't skinny, but you aren't obese, either. You're normal."

Or

"That shirt makes your hips look smaller, and calls attention to your pretty face."

 

[znr]

OTH, solution is a lot simpler than all this. You just don't take on other people's problems and make them your own. It's a ridiculous and manipulative question if it was posed to you this way. I used to get upset by people's little drama; now I just let them have their drama and I don't answer the phone or return emails if I'm not strong enough to let it roll off. I have a friend, well now downgraded to acquaintance, whose life IS drama, even to the point her life is about getting on this particular TV reality show so she can...witness the Lord to all the dramatic housewives. Imagine that. Her whole life is about getting on that show now. It used to plague me; I wanted to smack her for constantly talking about this and spending her money on expensive head /body shots. Now I just avoid her unless I'm feeling chipper, and then when I talk to her, I just keep my mouth shut and try to accept her as is. Not easy, but, it saves me the headaches.

Laugh or get mad if you want... if an overweight female says " do you think I'm fat? " with that I HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM look on her face... what am I supposed to do? Say I like fat girls? Date her so she feels better? act like she's attractive? Lie and say shed not when she knowd I'm lying? If I agree that yes she's fat then I become the dark lord Sauron or Satan and the guilt is all mine. She did it to herself, not me.

I'm at a loss... I think honesty is best from now on. thoughts?

 

[MercyandFaith]

"You aren't skinny, but you aren't obese, either. You're normal."

If someone is obese though, and not normal, I don't see how this would be truthful or right for a Christian to say.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Thanks! That's good advice.


I have a question though: Why exactly would a fat woman find any meaningful affirmation in being told something that she knows isn't true? If a 350-pound woman were to ask people, "Do you think I'm fat," and were told "no," would she really believe it?


Unless they want to be told, "Inner beauty and personality is what counts," but I don't think that's what they're really asking about?

A woman knows (most of the time) when they're overweight. They're either asking because they want a person to deny it and make them feel better, give them a small boost when they feel bad about themselves, or to put someone on the spot. Or, they may know they are overweight but be looking for the range. Some people consider chubby, plump, and obese a bit differently.

Really it's better not to keep asking something someone like this. The OP's situation is the girl keeps asking, which isn't healthy for her and keeps putting him on the spot.

I know I'm overweight, but I'm not going to go around asking friends all the time if they think I am. I already know I am. Why would I do that? Makes little sense to me.

 

[stormdancer0]

If someone is obese though, and not normal, I don't see how this would be truthful or right for a Christian to say.

True.

But "normal" is not what most people think it is. The average size of the American woman is either 14 or 16 depending on which survey you read. A lot of people would say that's fat. But it's normal. So what is fat? What is obese?

If someone is obese, I would express concern about her health, perhaps. Or say, "You know you are not at a healthy weight, so what do you want me to tell you?"

I didn't get that the women were obese, merely overweight. Perhaps I missed that.

Honestly, God made people different sizes, colors and shapes. He loves them all. Why do we care, especially in the U.S., about being a size 2? It's insulting and stupid for a size 10 model to be called a "Plus-sized model."

I hate the fashion industry. I love clothes, buying and making them. But I hate the huge group of mostly gay men who think women are supposed to be pencil-thin to the point of being starving. What do they know? They don't even like women.

(Sorry - soapbox going back into the closet!)

 

[OntheHorizon]

storm dancer

having desires isn't shallow... not caring that another person isn't attracted to you and vilifying them for that IS.

This has nothing to do with rejection... what do I reject? I reject lots of cake and soda and going a day without exercise and having to like what isn't attractive and having to feel guilty because I don't give people what THEY want when its not what I want. You can desire an attractive person but I cant... because your not? That makes me bad?

 

[OntheHorizon]

Because you are able to do this, you have some right to have an attitude with people who cannot? OR even will not?

Personally, since you are all that worried about what you look like on the outside, are you giving the same - or more - energy and time to the inside, to your spiritual growth? If not, your work-outs and obsession with the outer beauty is an idol for you, and not healthy.

You have no legitimate reason to doubt her spiritual health. But this seems like a self fullfilling prophecy.

 

[OntheHorizon]

znr

I agree. I'm just not entertaining these sort of issues anymore.

 

[stormdancer0]

This IS a topic where I am particularly sensitive. Too many young men look only at the outside. I know some beautiful women - until they open their mouth. There's a saying that pretty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

Yes, I am somewhat overweight, and have been abused because of it. Not physically abused, but laughed at, made fun of, and rejected.

If you don't feel an attraction to someone, that's fine. But to base who you will date on their weight, which is how I (possibly mistakenly) read your OP, is shallow.

And I stand by my statement that people should spend at least as much time "working out" spiritually as they do physically. I know several people who working out is definitely an idol. The post I commented on struck me that way, with the same attitude.

It just disturbs me how people care so much about the outside, when it's what is inside that matters. It is overwhelming. I just responded to a lady on another forum where I am a moderator, and she was desperately depressed because she felt ignored, left behind, and it's stupid. This is a beautiful, wonderful woman, rejected because of a warped sense of what beauty is. (Yes, I have permission to share.)

(Putting the soapbox on a high shelf somewhere.)