Do I have the right to be hurt?

[Serving4Christ]

Thank you for reading.

I have been married 13 years. During our 13 years marriage, communication has been a major factor in the disruption of our union. I feel unequally yoked in that aspect. We've tried Christian counselors, military chaplains, etc...

Recently, I tried to open up to my wife and share with her the depression I've been going through. It wasn't easy for me to do. I'm lacking in my abillity to share my thoughts and feelings. I think mainly due to hurt.

We received a gun from my wifes Dad, that I really wasn't to happy about. I pondered and planned suicide from age 12. I believe it was my easy way out of hurt as a child.

Well, 5 months ago, I gave the gun to a friend to hold onto for me, because it was too easy of an out for me. I felt it was the responsible thing to do. The day the gun was given to him, my wife was harassing me to get it back. I wonder how she knew it was gone? She hasn't stopped harassing me to get it back. I felt I needed to share with her why I gave it to him to hold onto.

I really felt she understood when we had a discussion late at night. I opened my all and let her in my window of hurt only to get hurt again. The next day, she told me she was going to get the gun back, and took everything I said out of context...again.

I went to my bible study the other night and my friend (who cares for me more than my own spouse) told me she was heading over to pick up the gun.

This deeply troubles and saddens me.

She acted like nothing was wrong the next two days, all the while I was shut down. When she confronted me and asked me what was wrong, my initial response was nothing...why explain...it'll just be taken out of context.

Persistent she was, and I explained to her I didn't appreciate the fact I shared my heart with her and she picked the gun up anyways. Only to be met with name calling, "You're childish, Grow UP! Get a life! I wish your friends could see you now! I can't trust any of your friends!" Yelling.

Do I have a right to be upset? I feel so unequally yoked in our marriage, and lonely. Sadly, she obviously does too because 1 1/2 years ago, she elected to stop her birth control and have another child without telling me she stopped protection.

Any prayers, advice, or opinions welcomed.

 

[faith177]

sorry I dont really know what to say, you should probably get some counseling. Its really helpful to have someone to moderate, sometimes we just do not understand each others language.

 

[believer12]

Wow... what a situation. I totally understand why you are sad! I would be too- heck, I AM too, FOR you... Being sad or angry isn't a sin- Jesus experienced sadness and anger on earth. It is how we RESPOND with these emotions. Though it is extremely hard, I encourage you to continue being open and honest with your bride. Pray for her and love her unconditionally. Obviously, she has deep hurt too, which is why she is responding this way. What was her reasoning in getting the gun back? Does she feel safe with it in the house? Just because she was so persistant in getting the gun back DOES NOT mean that she doesn't care about you and she DOES NOT want you to abuse it. PLEASE DO NOT turn to the gun as a means of ending everything. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. And, the Lord promises that He will never give us any more than we can handle. God may very well using this unique opportunity to strengthen you to be the man he wants you to be. Be in the Word every moment you have the chance, seek professional help, perferably with your wife, and HAVE HOPE!!!!!

 

[wonder111]

absolutely you have the right to be hurt! you can't help how you feel. You're right, it's obviously the communication that is lacking, it's hard to say how or why without knowing both of you, but have you asked her about counselling?

 

[Serving4Christ]

We've attended counseling with our pastor and professional counseling downtown. Unsuccessful. She has no rhyme or reason for wanting the gun back. We live on a USAF miltary base (Very safe), and she doesn't have anything to fear...I don't know why she would choose to take the gun back in the house.

I'm taking antidepresssants, and have been now for almost 3 weeks, and they don't seem to be helping.

 

[believer12]

Hmmmm.... sounds like your wife isn't opening up to the real issue.... Something is bothering her deep down.... Do you have any ideas?

 

[wonder111]

have you had personal counselling just by yourself?

 

[seebs]

It does sound like she's not respecting you very much.

 

[E-beth]

If she is so set on keeping the gun in the house, then tell her to lock it up and keep the key where you can't get to it.

It seems to me the gun is becoming a control issue for her. She knows it bothers you to have it at home, so she will do anything she can to keep it there and to feel like she "wins". Probably the same thing went for the birth control. She stopped taking the pills and got pregnant to exert some control over you. She might have some serious power issues.

My husband is depressed alot too. It isn't anything you can "grow up' out of. And she isn't helping by not taking your feelings very seriously.

You have seen alot of counselors, so I am not gonna say find one. Call the counselor/psychiatrist that scripted the anti-depressants and tell him that you are experiencing fear of suicide and need some help.

Yeah, you have a right to be hurt. And I am praying for you.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Awwww, Serving That is so difficult. I know how you feel. It's really too bad you're wife is trying to be more supporting and caring. I mean, that's what marriage is about right? If you ever want to talk to me, feel free too . I don't have good advice, because I myself am weak right now and very very depressed. Except well, give it to God- and give what you want given to you. Being how you cannot control the other person, unfortunately, you can only control yourself. So, although you are hurting, you'll find that the power of this resentment might be broken if you give to her what you want. Go out of your way to be caring to her, listen to her, be supportive of her. Sit down with her and say "honey, I want to know how you've been doing lately". Oh, this will make a world of difference, then she'll be more softened towards you. Oh, I know, it's so difficult to give when your love bank is empty. But well, sin and negative ways of coping won't help it but will make it worse. God Bless you brother.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I want to add, it is very important that you don't turn the conversation back to you. Atleast don't push it. I have been soooooo dissapointed myself in my marriage, it makes me so sad that my hubby won't talk to me, and doesn't go that extra mile. (But he also feels that way too). You see, lately we've been discontent because neither of us are making the effort, yet expecting the other too. Actually, I'm the one with the issue, he doesn't really know why I've been such a crab lately. But yet he doesn't sit down and say "let's talk about this", even though we've been through counseling, close to getting a divorce twice, and he knows it's so important. Yet, he just comes home, goes to sleep, and wonders why I feel the way I do.

Sorry, I have a way of turning things around to myself. But I do know from experiance, that the times I have just chosen to be good to him, regardless of my emptiness- it's really turned things around for the good. God Bless you again. Hope this is somewhat helpful and comforting to you.

 

[Serving4Christ]

I thank you all for the wonderful advice. I did get counseling myself, from our church pastor. I also get it from friends too. I'm caught between a rock and a boulder. No easy way out. If I choose to take a leave of absence, my kids pay a price they never should have, and I love my kids to death. They don't deserve that. Truth be told, they're why I stay.

Again, I thank you for the comments.