Step kids in our bedroom, napping in/on our bed, and I'm not ok with it

[Gnarwhal]

I posted this in the parenting forum but since my step kids are 18 this seemed more appropriate. My wife has had loose boundaries with her twin children, partly because their age gap is small (she was 21 when she had them) and partly because my wife parents them too gently out of guilt (because they have a loser absentee father and she feels bad for them).

The issue that bothers me the most is her policy, or lack thereof, on our bedroom. For me growing up, my parents room was off-limits unless we got special permission to go watch TV in there or something. But if we just went in there on our own we could get in trouble. And I respected that, it's my parents house and they had the right to say to claim some privacy by excluding us from that room. By contrast my wife has co-slept with the kids almost their entire lives, like it's been no big deal for them to climb into bed with her at any point whether it's the middle of the night or she's taking a nap during the day, even when we were dating a few years ago and the kids were 15-16 years old, and since then as well (8-10 months ago her son fell asleep on the bed while she was still sleeping, made me uncomfortable). She also has no problem with them just hanging out in there.

So that's been how things have gone so far, and for clarification they're boy/girl twins, so we're talking about both her daughter and son (both 18) exhibiting this behavior. A few months ago I moved them out to my hometown, and her son stayed behind to live with his grandparents because he didn't want to leave NY. So it's just my wife, my stepdaughter, my wife's and my 10mo old son, and me. My stepdaughter has her own bedroom and her own bathroom because nobody else needs the hall bath.

I'm currently sleeping in the third bedroom because I was just diagnosed with sever sleep apnea and I haven't gotten my CPAP machine setup yet. My snoring is such that my wife can hear it loudly through walls so we can't sleep together because either I keep her up or she wakes me up to stop snoring. Also she's co-sleeping with the baby and tends to all his needs overnight because I'm the only one working.

So that's the background to setup the picture. My issue is my stepdaughter napping in our bedroom and showering in our bathroom. She has her own bed, a new one we got her when we moved into our place this past summer, and nobody else uses her bathroom. She made a complaint about the shower but I checked it and there's nothing wrong with temperature or pressure.

The issue lies in the fact that if I just put my foot down and tell her to stop sleeping in our room and using our bathroom, my wife will get upset. She's really sensitive to how I treat her kids, even though I've been nothing but nice (albeit quiet, like they are), I've given them a life their father never gave them and demand nothing from them, for me to issue some form of discipline like this is like blasphemy to my wife and she'll get all weird about it.

Are there any subtle or subversive strategies I can use to disincentivize my step daughter (and possibly my step son if he moves in with us) from using our bedroom and bathroom? Even though I'm not currently sleeping there all my things are still in the closet and bathroom drawers, so if my step daughter is napping on the bed I feel like I can't go in that room cause it just feels inappropriate to me. Which means sometimes I'm unable to shower, or brush my teeth or even change my clothes because I can't get to those things.

I want my bedroom to be "our space" for my wife and I, and our son until he's old enough to sleep on his own in his own room so how do I establish that and essentially ban other adults from the room without overtly telling them to "get out and stay out"?

 

[YorkieGal]

Have you already addressed this with your wife or you haven't because of the reasons you've stated?

 

[Gnarwhal]

Have you already addressed this with your wife or you haven't because of the reasons you've stated?

It's come up in the past, but like I said she's real sensitive when it comes to any issues I have with her kids. She kinda shuts down and thinks I dislike them if I'm critical of anything.

 

[Divide]

I posted this in the parenting forum but since my step kids are 18 this seemed more appropriate. My wife has had loose boundaries with her twin children, partly because their age gap is small (she was 21 when she had them) and partly because my wife parents them too gently out of guilt (because they have a loser absentee father and she feels bad for them).

The issue that bothers me the most is her policy, or lack thereof, on our bedroom. For me growing up, my parents room was off-limits unless we got special permission to go watch TV in there or something. But if we just went in there on our own we could get in trouble. And I respected that, it's my parents house and they had the right to say to claim some privacy by excluding us from that room. By contrast my wife has co-slept with the kids almost their entire lives, like it's been no big deal for them to climb into bed with her at any point whether it's the middle of the night or she's taking a nap during the day, even when we were dating a few years ago and the kids were 15-16 years old, and since then as well (8-10 months ago her son fell asleep on the bed while she was still sleeping, made me uncomfortable). She also has no problem with them just hanging out in there.

So that's been how things have gone so far, and for clarification they're boy/girl twins, so we're talking about both her daughter and son (both 18) exhibiting this behavior. A few months ago I moved them out to my hometown, and her son stayed behind to live with his grandparents because he didn't want to leave NY. So it's just my wife, my stepdaughter, my wife's and my 10mo old son, and me. My stepdaughter has her own bedroom and her own bathroom because nobody else needs the hall bath.

I'm currently sleeping in the third bedroom because I was just diagnosed with sever sleep apnea and I haven't gotten my CPAP machine setup yet. My snoring is such that my wife can hear it loudly through walls so we can't sleep together because either I keep her up or she wakes me up to stop snoring. Also she's co-sleeping with the baby and tends to all his needs overnight because I'm the only one working.

So that's the background to setup the picture. My issue is my stepdaughter napping in our bedroom and showering in our bathroom. She has her own bed, a new one we got her when we moved into our place this past summer, and nobody else uses her bathroom. She made a complaint about the shower but I checked it and there's nothing wrong with temperature or pressure.

The issue lies in the fact that if I just put my foot down and tell her to stop sleeping in our room and using our bathroom, my wife will get upset. She's really sensitive to how I treat her kids, even though I've been nothing but nice (albeit quiet, like they are), I've given them a life their father never gave them and demand nothing from them, for me to issue some form of discipline like this is like blasphemy to my wife and she'll get all weird about it.

Are there any subtle or subversive strategies I can use to disincentivize my step daughter (and possibly my step son if he moves in with us) from using our bedroom and bathroom? Even though I'm not currently sleeping there all my things are still in the closet and bathroom drawers, so if my step daughter is napping on the bed I feel like I can't go in that room cause it just feels inappropriate to me. Which means sometimes I'm unable to shower, or brush my teeth or even change my clothes because I can't get to those things.

I want my bedroom to be "our space" for my wife and I, and our son until he's old enough to sleep on his own in his own room so how do I establish that and essentially ban other adults from the room without overtly telling them to "get out and stay out"?

You do it rather politely. You say oh get out of my bed I want to come in my room. Tell her you want to be alone, tell her your bedroom is yours and her mothers bedroom and that it makes you feel akward to have her in there all the time. And if she gives you resistance then say, well I have to come in and we wouldnt want anyone to get the wrong idea so you have to leave please. That's reasonable. A man and his wife. A man who had a big enough heart to take on a prefab family, but it's not nice when they take his space away! Welcome but get out of my room, and I'll stay out of yours...

Something like that. If the Mama wants to really sleep with her daughter she can go to their room. Nothing wrong with that.

If they double team you, I'll pray for you! Be careful, who knows what two women can do together, lol.

 

[Divide]

It's come up in the past, but like I said she's real sensitive when it comes to any issues I have with her kids. She kinda shuts down and thinks I dislike them if I'm critical of anything.

Tell her that you was raised to be sensitive to kids in your space. You and your Wife's space. Is it more about you or more about her and her kids, because that wouldn't be fair.

I can't even tell you what color bedspread that was in my parents bedroom. The parents bedroom has always been off limits. If your wife gets mad at that...that's a problem.

 

[Divide]

The issue lies in the fact that if I just put my foot down and tell her to stop sleeping in our room and using our bathroom, my wife will get upset.

Truely upset or manipulative upset? She cant get mad becuse you want a private bedroom and bathroom with her!

 

[Aussie Pete]

It's come up in the past, but like I said she's real sensitive when it comes to any issues I have with her kids. She kinda shuts down and thinks I dislike them if I'm critical of anything.

I had issues with my two step children, not the same as yours, but frustrating just the same. Men need to work things out before getting married to a single mother. If she's not prepared to let the man be the man, so to speak, the relationship is off to a rocky start. For sure, the bedroom is for the husband and wife and must be off limits to the kids.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Truely upset or manipulative upset? She cant get mad becuse you want a private bedroom and bathroom with her!

Hard to say, I think the concept is totally new and foreign to her because she's had an open door policy with her kids for 18 years. So it may be mostly "truly upset" because she just can't relate to this particular concept of boundaries. It could also be the differences in our cultural backgrounds too.