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Did Someting Wrong to Find Out if I Was Right.

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by ChristopherK, Jun 30, 2017.

  1. Solomons Porch

    Solomons Porch Solomon's Porch

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    I understand what you are doing and I hope this causes her to re-think her options. :prayer::prayer:
     
  2. Goatee

    Goatee Jesus, please forgive me, a sinner.

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    Maybe its time to open up to her and ask her what she is up to? Dont let it drag on and on.........
     
  3. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    Exactly.
     
  4. tampasteve

    tampasteve Lutheran Messianic Staff Member Supervisor Supporter

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    ****THIS IS MY OPINION ONLY, I am not a professional****

    After following your posts for a while....it kind of seems like you are trying to abide by her wishes to not talk about the issues, but they need to be talked about. Keeping on and not addressing the underling issues will not solve them, and will only make your time spent wondering in limbo longer. This is really something that needs to be discussed with a Christian Marriage and Family Counselor. Living with her while she is in love with another man? Letting her lead you on and not resolve or even discuss the issue is incredibly wrong and selfish of her. Biblically you are in the right - she cheated emotionally (at least), you may have acted poorly before, but if 8 months of acting like a different person are not enough to get her to at least talk to you about where you are, and where you are headed and for her to start putting an effort into the marriage then when will it change?
     
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  5. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Yeah me too. I came back a little while ago. Had a nice dinner out. It was chill.

    When I picked her up from work we had small talk and then she had an attitude after this guy tried to cut into our lane at the last second before a merger and I didn't let him in because I don't like when people do that at the last second. I asked what was wrong and she played like it was nothing, but long story short she complained that I don't listen. In my head I'm like, "IVE BEEN LISTENING FOR 8 MONTHS!" She said because I hugged her lastnight even though she said that she was sticky and sweaty from working out but I didn't care because all I wanted to do was hug my wife. She was mad because she didn't want to be hugged by her husband y'all. Yup. Anyway, I'm glad I went out. I feel more confident in myself. I prayed for her and kept reading the Psalms a little while ago. Only God knows what's going to happen.
     
  6. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I agree with this bro.
     
  7. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I just spoke with her...Nothing really happened. She responded with the I don't know's. She tried to end it with "You don't listen" and I said more forcefully "I do" and she said, "no" and I said, "goodbye". I'm fed up with this bull crap. You give me no kind of direction and all you do is downplay me the entire time by saying I don't listen? Get outa here.
     
  8. Goatee

    Goatee Jesus, please forgive me, a sinner.

    +3,558
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    God bless you both my friend
     
  9. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

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    Do you think maybe shes getting negative feedback from friends or family? Because I get shes being cold, but something else has to be feeding this. I see you live in the Bronx. I don't live there so forgive my naiveness, but are people a bit more.... negative in the Bronx? I had some family that lived there and one time I visited everyone around the area seemed to be not very happy. Again apologies if I am wrong since I don't really know the area (outside of culture stuff).
     
  10. gadar perets

    gadar perets Messianic Hebrew

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    I hope you only said what was in quotes and not those last three sentences. I feel for you bro., but you have to make sure she sees Messiah in you at all times.

    I lost my wife to another man and her behavior was similar to your wife's behavior. I didn't know there was another man in the picture, but you do. I could be wrong, but if I were you, I would get that out in the open before she gets too involved with him. You don't have to tell her you read her diary, but you can say that you "feel like she doesn't want to be close to you and that you are concerned you are drifting apart. Tell me the truth, is there another man in your life?" I really don't know your full situation, but had I known my wife was interested in someone else, I would have gotten that out in the open asap rather than allow her more time to develop her relationship with him and commit adultery. Does your wife have any concern/love at all for the Almighty and keeping His commandments by not committing adultery? If she denies there is another man, then ask her to write down the things that you are "not listening" to her about so you can pray about them. Then discuss them with her point by point without getting angry or impatient. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then write down your reply in the form of a love letter, not in the form of a harsh email.

    I'm no psychologist, and am probably the wrong person to give you counsel since my marriage failed, but think/pray about my suggestions and do what the Spirit leads you to.
     
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  11. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Her family wants our marriage to make it, but in terms of friends, she doesn't confide in our Christian friends anymore. She only speaks to women from her job who have been in similar situations before. I think she admires their strength, but the difference is that I've changed and don't want our marriage to be in shambles. She really has to decide what she wants because no matter what I do or don't do, it doesn't matter. My mind is starting to open to the idea of getting a place of my own but I don't want to appear like I'm giving up on my marriage. Ugh, Lord idk...
     
  12. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    No I didn't say those last three lines. That was in my head. I confronted her on the other man back in November 2016. She wasn't going to tell me until she was "ready" but I found out beforehand. Idk what's going to happen anymore. She knows how I feel about her but idk whether she's willing to open her heart to is again. Only God knows.
     
  13. Hetta

    Hetta I'll find my way home

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    Is that a real photo of you and your wife?
     
  14. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Yes that's a real photo of us.
     
  15. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I value your response. I've been actively trying to s how Christ towards her this entire time, but she's becoming so insistent on thinking I still cannot be trusted even though she hasn't even talked to me about what she's feeling and it's been so long. I know people will have their opinions on me staying so long, but the fact is I love my wife and know she worth the fight. Aside from that, we're in a covenant before God, and that should always be held higher.

    I've been staying w/ my parents since Sunday morning. That morning she asked why my bags were packed and I told her that I was going to stay w/ my parents until this Friday because I don't feel great whenever I either do or do not do something for her, and how it's still perceived as negative. I told her that I figured the best thing for me to do for her not to be anxious or have to deal with those feelings towards me is for me to step away for a little bit. I hugged her before I left and told her that I loved her. She said that she knew.

    I texted her two days ago to share my heart and how I feel as though she may be waiting for the most opportune time to end it, but that regardless, I hope that I'm wrong, because I intend to keep fighting for our marriage since she's such a rare and amazing woman. I just don't know what's going to happen anymore, but I'm praying and seeking God throughout it all.
     
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  16. gadar perets

    gadar perets Messianic Hebrew

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    You mentioned she is having trouble trusting you. Were you unfaithful? If so, I missed that part.
     
  17. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Absolutely not. I've never been unfaithful to my wife.

    She's just been run down from all our theological arguments. She's known the Lord one way her entire life and I was challenging her on things. My intention was to lead her and our potential family as the head of the home, but it only caused her to feel unappreciated and her opinions under-valued. I didn't see how much of an effect it had on her until she told me she wanted to separate back in November 2016. Since then God has uprooted a lot of stuff in me, and I've been actively fighting for our marriage since.

    I personally feel she chooses not to trust in me so that I can remain the issue instead of her having to face herself and her decisions since then. She's actively been thinking about this other man and has said she doesn't see a future with me. When I texted her two days ago I suggested she think about why she loved me and the hopes she had on our wedding day for out life together so she could let that be what guides her now. I said that because there's literally nothing in the way of the life we could have together since theology was our biggest issue. However, she wasn't so receptive to that because she said the bad outweighed the good when she would reflect on our marriage.

    I've taken full responsibility for all I've done and have actively been different, but it's been 9 months and here we still are.
     
  18. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    For what it's worth, the strategy you outlined way back at the start of this thread surprised me. But then I began to see some logic in it. At least I could somewhat sympathize. Somewhat.

    However, time does not appear to be on your side now, so going ahead with what you've decided to do looks like an approach that will not bring the matter to a head...and that's most likely what you have to do. The manner or technique you use for that, including counselling, may or may not work, but I doubt very much that the detached, self-assured approach will work on her and cause her to decide, on her own, that she ought to see you in a new light.
     
  19. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Honestly, I believe she wants me to be the one who walks away. That would be easiest for he, and she'd feel justified. If that is how she thinks, that's not why I'm sticking it out. I truly want to save our marriage. At the same time, she just hasn't made a decision, and I don't want to be the one who makes it for her, because that would mean that I'd have to end it. I've made my choice about our marriage, and I just don't want to believe that after 9 years of knowing each other that she'd just stop. She said she's fought for our marriage for a long time, but we never had a bare bones conversation. I told her that if she ever had a conversation with me before about this then I'd definitely choose her over a theological camp. Right now, I feel that she's stopped fighting when the fighting matters the most, because know I've been made completely aware of what's been going on, and that would be an opportune time for us both to work it out. Now she's out of the fight. Everyone around me, even my Christian brethren, say that there's nothing else for me to prove. Just be consistent, and that's what I'm trying to do.
     
  20. Albion

    Albion Facilitator

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    Yes, but doesn't this approach of seeming detached risk appearing to be evidence of you walking away in most ways not including actually moving out, telling her its over, or filing for divorce?

    I agree in a way, but she's obviously tired of fighting, so further attempts to reason with her or show her where she's been wrong isn't going to make things better. Yet, I don't think the tactic of trying to induce her to gradually rethink her view of your personality, etc. is the best approach.
     
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