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Did Someting Wrong to Find Out if I Was Right.

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by ChristopherK, Jun 30, 2017.

  1. OK Jeff

    OK Jeff Active Member

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    I'm sorry to say but you're doing all you can. Keep it up. At very least if she gives up on the marriage, it's on her. At this moment, it sounds like she's really trying to stay hard of heart. For that i hurt for you. As long as she pines for this other man, and seeks ungodly council, it's difficult for God to reach her. He can change her, but she must be willing.
    My wife was more receptive to the changes that happened in me. And I was a falling down drunk for five years. I said terrible things to her, neglected her, exc. But when I came around she welcomed me back, at arms leangth mind you. But she wanted me sober before I did. There have been struggle mind you. She's had bouts of unforgiveness, often for things I don't remember. But time heals all wounds and it's better every day. Hang in there brother. That's the best I can tell you.
     
  2. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

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    In my opinion (and I've seen very similar scenarios played out repeatedly with friends)......I'm guessing she'd like her own space (and I don't mean physical space---emotional space) to think things through and process. When you say things about feeling there's so much left unsaid.....she's probably feeling pressure from you (even criticism of her silence) from that.

    You've said you're "separated"......but you pick her up from work (right?) and are living together (even in the same bed).....so it doesn't seem as if she has much separation. Maybe tell her that you want to respect her boundaries (that's something that builds trust).....but maybe ask her to clarify what she needs right now. You're repairing what you "broke" (from your own posts--not my judgement).....and that's going to take extra patience from you. I'm also guessing she is aware of your anger (and that's only going to chip away at what trust you've formed).
     
  3. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

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    She's had 9 months of emotional space...She's full of it at this point. She's withdrawn entirely from the relationship in hopes that he'll eventually call it quits and she won't need to feel guilty.

    At this point, he should be heaping guilt upon her and forcing a choice IMO. After all, this is her fault.

    I don't think she was honest about the problem. Does anyone genuinely think that his theological interests are the actual reason she began an emotional affair with another man? Or does that sound like the kind of garbage cheaters come up with to justify their infidelity? To me, it sounds like the only excuse she could come up with that would put the blame squarely on his shoulders....instead of hers where it belongs.
     
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  4. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33 Supporter

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    I can think of one "theological argument" that we can't even discuss here any longer because of the strife it caused (just think of how much more destructive--and heated-- it can be between man and wife).
     
  5. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

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    Put yourself in his shoes...your newly wedded husband has been cheating, behind your back, with his female coworker...

    When you confront him with this, his reply is that your recent theological beliefs have somehow pushed him into this woman's arms. Would you buy that? Honestly...
     
  6. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    Quote of Christopher
    I just want to know what to do now.

    You have been seeking God, you are changing for the better, you are willing to forgive your wife and put the family back together, you are telling your wife your hurts and desire to rebuild the marriage, you are humble and have a soften heart.


    Your wife is willfully violating God’s plan for marriage, is betraying the family with another man, is putting road blocks in your attempts to heal the marriage, is not seeking Christian counsel, and has a harden heart


    Christopher, your pain is deep but you can get a LOT better. What you can do is endure the pain and make a plan to build yourself up. It is obvious that your wife is not going to put you first or second and build you up. Your plan should include you believing God is going to do what He says He is going to do in scriptures. Listed below are just few:




    Psalm 27:10
    Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD cares for me.


    Isaiah 41:10
    “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”


    Psalms 55:22
    “Cast all your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you.”



    Matthew 11:28
    “Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest
    .”



    Get your security, strength, rest, loyalty, care, etc. from God who will always fulfil His promises and never betray you. YES, I know that God made man and woman to be one but when one marriage partner uses their free will to betray you and will not follow God’s plan then you can only change you. You can still have a very good life with your faith and God.





    I know the pain is intense and it will be hard to believe that God is going to help you have peace but it will become a situation where you either believe God and act on His word or you will put your trust in some other way. God may use humans but that human must also be guided by scriptures. Good Christian professional counseling can be very beneficial. However, it Will boil down to you trusting and acting on Godly council and God’s word. At this point you cannot depend on your wife to help heal you.





    In short, I would answer your question of “I just want to know what to do now.” By repeating my earlier post. Build yourself up body, mind, and spirit and use all Godly sources.


     
  7. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I understand your sentiment, but please refrain from putting too much judgment on her. I love her and don't intend for her to look worse.

    I've read other stories about how husbands and wives stuck it out for years until God made a breakthrough so I found solace in that. I'm willing to stick it out as long as need be until she either chooses us or not. I'm believing the best until then.

    I put her through a lot. How she was theologically raised was challenged by me in a lot of areas and I didn't see the signs of how it was breaking her down, because at the same time, I was still loving her in every other way aside from our biblical differences.

    I believe she's taking time because she's seeking for God to either change her heart or make a way for another life that she may be seeking. At the same time, we know that God won't honor her stepping out on her marriage, but it will be her choice at the end of the day.
     
  8. OK Jeff

    OK Jeff Active Member

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    I think she's milking it just a bit. But you're doing the right thing. My wife stuck with me through 3 years of heavy drinking and 4 years of insane drunkenness. Granted she was ready for my turn around but she was seeking The Lord all through. She was ready to leave at one point, and God knows she had the right. But she felt Him tell her to wait. Just a little longer. I'm eternally grateful she was listening because my big change happened only weeks after. I honestly don't think your wife is currently connected with God. But that doesn't mean she won't be. You're doing all you can. As hard as it must be, rage on. It's all you can do.
     
  9. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Amen. I think she's seeking to be connected in a way that feels comfortable for her, but I've been praying that God would radically circumcise her heart. I know this all happens for a reason for each of us individually. God has been exposing a lot of areas where He needs to change many things in me, and has. My flesh has still raged against the Spirit, but I'm still pushing through. God willing, my wife chooses us, because I honestly don't see myself with anyone else, and would be heartbroken if I had to fully expose my mind to that reality. God can do the impossible. I will wait and trust in His hand moving over the redemption of my marriage, because my love for her is not conditional. She knows that for sure.
     
  10. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Thank you for your response. ^_^
     
  11. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    No we're not separated. She's mentioned that as a possibility numerous times, but has never taken action on it. I stayed with my parents for a week on two difference occasions, but that's the longest I've been away. I agree that I'm going to need to continue exuding more patience, which I think is one reason why God has had us in this place for so long.

    Ironically enough, she took off from work today and is staying home to have a mental break. Work is getting stressful for her, and I'm sure everything else is getting to her as well. Hopefully she can find peace and rest, which I've been praying for her as well. I'm at work right now and it's slow. I'm actually leaving for a better opportunity and this is my last week here.

    I just don't want to be seen by my own wife as someone she settled for, because it wasn't like that in the beginning. We were so close, and I never saw her as someone I needed to settle for because I "couldn't do better". God doesn't work like that. That's why I've been so intent on doing my best to act in Christ's love, because He is sovereign and is in control, and there is nothing outside of His understanding-including a marriage. However, as has been said before, it does boil down to her choice, because I've already made up my mind. Even waiting for her is something serene for me, because it's a husband waiting for his wife and longing for her. At the same time, I've been drawing nearer to God as a result although I've had my battles with sin throughout these 9 months, I've not stopped looking towards God. Please continue to pray for us.
     
  12. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

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    I won't say anything further after this post...I understand that you're in love, and that's one emotion that can certainly bend the way we see things. I'm not immune to that. If you had a friend in your situation though...what would you think of him? Of his wife? What would you think he should do?

    In those stories of husband and wife falling apart and coming back together...did any of them involve a spouse who simply shut themselves off from the other spouse emotionally and wasn't willing to work on the problem?

    I get you aren't willing to leave...and I'm not saying that you should...but I also don't think you're seeing this clearly. Right now you're not in love with who she is...it sounds like you're in love with who she was, who you want her to be again. What she's done is a part of who she is...and you're trying so hard to get back what you lost it hasn't even registered with you yet. Do you think that even if she went back to who she was...and told you it was over with this other guy, she'd find herself a new job, and work on your marriage, you'd simply forgive her betrayal? Would it be that easy in your eyes? I don't know you, but I can tell you a lot of people thought such things would be very easy...only to find out it wasn't.

    I honestly don't think it's you...I think it's her. I think, because she wants space and distance, she's got some issues. I don't know if it's a fear of abandonment...trust...commitment...fear of failure...

    Whatever it is, I think she's using it as an excuse to sabotage her relationship.
     
  13. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    You don't have to stop posting. I value everyone's input here. I think you're right though regarding who she now is. I'd be willing to accept who she is period. My primary issue right now though is that she just doesn't share anything as of what's going on. I have no information about what's happened, what she's thinking, what she's doing. All I know is that she saw this man in February 2016 and began the emotional affair in October of that year. My gut says there's a lot more to the story since then and it's only right that I know it all.

    The times that I've asked what she wanted or if she loved him or anything related to it, she would only say, "I don't know." Any conversation pertaining to it would be met with a wall she puts up. I believe she's holding out so that I make the first move to end our marriage, but I believe in us and will never do that. She needs to come out with it, but until then I intend to continue fighting for our marriage.

    Honestly, what I would like to have happen ASAP is for her to just be honest about everything that happened-all the details. I don't know what to do to have her open up. She respects bluntness and honesty, but I just don't know how to even go about starting a conversation and honestly don't think I should initiate when I've been the one to always initiate conversation. With what little respect she may have for me, I'd appreciate some honesty.
     
  14. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

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    I think your "gut" is right in this case. What is with the journal? I forgot about how you found out to begin with...was that the journal as well?

    Does she know this? I hate to get into emotional manipulation...but does she get the impression that this is tearing you apart? Or does she think you're ok with this?

    If she thinks it's tearing you apart...well then she has reason to think you'll eventually crack and give up. If she thinks you're ok with this...then she has to rethink her entire strategy.

    So you can hear about what an awful guy he was, who skillfully wooed and tricked your loyal wife into betrayal? If that wasn't the case...what would you think of her then?


    If it were me...I'd deny any conversation that wasn't an examination of her and her motives. I wouldn't reassure, explain myself, or comfort her. Those are for someone committed to a relationship...and she's made clear for the last nine months that's not the case.
     
  15. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I hear you. I just pray somehow God opens her heart or brings her to make a choice.
     
  16. Ana the Ist

    Ana the Ist Aggressively serene!

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    That's nice...theoretically though, couldn't god have just fixed this for you on day one? I mean, here you are 9 months later...and nothing is different. Well, you're different, but she hasn't changed...but more on that in a minute. I'm not saying don't pray...but hoping that god is going to dig you out of this hole probably won't get you anywhere it hasn't in the past nine months.

    You've really got this whole thing backwards...and I think a lot of posters here see it. You're the victim here, not her. I know you want to think it was your fault...that gives you a sense of control over the situation. If it was something you said or did, you could just change those things about yourself...and everything would go back to the way it was man. It hasn't though, has it? Nine months later, and nothing you've said or done has changed her mind on things. That's a pretty strong indication it was never you to begin with...it's her.

    The other strong indicator is in her behavior. After she cheated on you, she laid the blame at your feet, and told you she needed space. I know you don't want to speak badly of her...but nothing you've said gives any indication that she even cares about your feelings...and you're out sleeping on the couch?? Seriously man...think about it. You got cheated on...and you care so much you're willing to make any accommodation for her. She, on the other hand, has left you twisting in the wind feeling awful and doesn't seem to care at all how you feel.

    Cut it out. Sleep on the bed, if she needs space, she can sleep on the couch. Make sure she knows you aren't quitting, and you're fine with the way things are, and if she wants to ruin your marriage...that's on her. Tell her you now understand this has nothing to do with you or your theological beliefs...that you understand there's something wrong with her...and if she wants your help with it...you'll be there. Till then you shouldn't be letting life pass you by...go out, have fun, and don't explain yourself to her. Don't romance her, don't worry about her at all...she's a big girl who can get by without you, she's made that clear.

    A few weeks of that and she should be feeling pretty lost and alone...and maybe she'll be ready to confront this thing. You shouldn't accept anything less than a sincere apology and recognition of how much she's hurt you before you do any forgiving.
     
  17. OK Jeff

    OK Jeff Active Member

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    Very well said and probably the most sound advice given yet.
     
  18. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I had an acting workshop to go to in the city last night. Came home and turned on the bedroom light to an annoyed wife because I had to see in order to change, shower, etc. After getting in bed post-shower she was obviously annoyed because she sucked her teeth and sighed heavily. She probably thought I was going to continue sleeping on the couch, but I'm done with it. From her nonchalant one-word texts to me while she's on her phone 75% of the time talking to I don't know who, I'm just going to live according to my well-being while still loving her. I agree that I've been doing too much to the point where she's overly comfortable in whatever she's doing.

    She couldn't sleep right away so I asked her, "After all that we've been through and all the growth we received because of it is there any inkling of hope in you for our marriage?" She responded with the usual, "I don't know." I just told her that her actions prove otherwise. She doesn't have to speak for me to know where her head is at. At the same time, I told her that I'm still going to fight for our marriage and believe it can be salvaged, but if in her mind everything I do, whether it be now or later, just doesn't matter because she's already made up her mind regardless, I'd rather know sooner than later. I told her that I've never looked at her as someone I "settled" on.

    So I woke up today, went to the gym per usual, came back and just focused on myself. Didn't prep her food, didn't try speaking, etc. I went down early to get the car and bring it to the front of the building without a word. She came down when she was ready to go, and we had a silent car ride to dropping her off at work. Sadly, I know she responds to when she isn't seen as the center of attention (that's how I got her to go on a date with me years ago, because I didn't care whether she wanted to or not). Aside from that though, I'm just tired of being beat mentally from giving it my all while she's immovable in not speaking to me while she confides in people from her job who most likely tell her to "follow her heart" even though the heart is wickedly deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9).

    I'm just going to love her from a distance, but I need to keep my sanity because if I wasn't leaning on God throughout this entire season I would've broken down months ago.
     
  19. *LILAC

    *LILAC Keeping it simple. Supporter

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    Nothing irks me more than "I don't know" responses and it is usually linked to "I don't care". If this is all your communications are about, have you tried counselling?
     
  20. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I have offered for us both to go to counseling numerous times and she's always said no. I went for myself twice through a mutual friend who is a Christian Counselor, and then another time w/ a professional Christian counselor. The most recent Counselor suggested we both come in, but she hasn't wanted to.

    Her actions are speaking for her which really destroys my heart, but I don't know why she hasn't officially made up her mind. Only God knows, but I'm not chasing her anymore. I'm just going to focus on myself and my walk with the Lord. Like I said, I'm loving from a distance.
     
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