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Did Someting Wrong to Find Out if I Was Right.

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by ChristopherK, Jun 30, 2017.

  1. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Hey guys. So I did something that I wasn't intending on doing again, but my suspicions were heightening and I wanted to know for sure. I read my wife's journal again. Her recent journaling proved what I was suspecting which was that she is completely preoccupied with feelings of "love" for this other man form her job, and hasn't been thinking about us or our marriage. I didn't mention anything and am remaining quiet. I would speak up about certain things before, but it would always end with me looking pathetic, neurotic, and anxious. I'm not those things; not anymore. I'm a man who was blinded by theology and mistreated his wife because of our differences through verbal arguments. After realizing what I did to her, I've been fighting to save our marriage ever since. However, she's been looking outside our marriage and has stapled me as who I was instead of who I've become.

    As a result, I'm intent on making myself appear independent and as a man who isn't revolving around his wife. I intend to go to the gym after work as usual, but after I get home, I'm going to shower, get dressed up, and go to a local/classy lounge that we've gone to in our past. I'm going to just be alone and rest my mind. If she asks where I'm going I'm only going to say, "I'm going out." If she asks with you, I'm only going to say, "Just me." Your spouse needs to see reasons to find you attractive again, especially in circumstances like this. I know I'm a good looking man, I know I've wronged my wife, have taken responsibility for my wrongs, and that my heart is fully invested in repairing our marriage, but I also know my worth, and am not going to live as a pathetic doormat. I intend to do more things like this, and hopefully it will bring her to look my way again, because right now, she's too comfortable knowing that she can explore her feelings while I stand by loyally. I'm still going to stand by as a loyal and faithful husband, but I am also going to stand as an independent, confident man. Please pray that God would open her eyes and heart to me again. Thanks guys.
     
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  2. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    Good. :)

    Your expressed desired outcome is different than mine was like 20 years ago when I went through a split/divorce with my ex-wife...but one thing is similar. I was totally embroiled in the situation at the time. I remember there was a specific moment when I made a decision to NOT be embroiled in it any more and just go out and start doing my own things - and whatever may be may be.

    That period, followed by the next few years, was by far the best in my life. I mean I don't want to diminish what I have now being married, with kids, etc...but it was different...and different in a very meaningful way at the time that I will always look back at fondly.

    Getting away from it in mind/spirit and just doing what you need to do for yourself can only yield good results. Whatever those may be (I feel compelled to put that on the end).
     
  3. HereIStand

    HereIStand Regular Member Supporter

    +2,999
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    Rather than going clubbing alone, stay home and try to work things out with her.
     
  4. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I hear you. I have no intention of doing anything aside from being alone or be with friends and just enjoy my time out. Maybe her mind may open to my committing adultery, but mine isn't and never would. I'm not built like that. I never have been even before knowing Christ or knowing my wife. I'm still hopeful that God will restore our marriage, but the image my wife has of me cannot be one of me being weak and overly sensitive.
     
  5. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I'm not going clubbing. I'm just going out to relax. I've tried working things out with her but she's the type that if she doesn't want to talk then she won't. She wants alone time and that's exactly what I'm going to give her, but I'm not going to give her alone time while being in the same room fiddling my thumbs. She needs to see something different.
     
  6. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    Is she living there still mostly because you were hoping that would aid in the reconciliation, or because you need both incomes to pay the rent, or because there's not family nearby?
     
  7. Goatee

    Goatee Jesus, please forgive me, a sinner.

    +3,557
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    Why not go and visit a church instead of going to a bar etc? I know you are non-denom but always good to kneel or sit in a quiet church and reflect/pray.
     
  8. DZoolander

    DZoolander Persnickety Member

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    Sounds like he's had quite a bit of quiet time to himself already.
     
  9. Goatee

    Goatee Jesus, please forgive me, a sinner.

    +3,557
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    Then he needs to bring God into 'his' quiet time
     
  10. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    We are living together, because I didn't want to leave our home.
     
  11. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +2,632
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    While I understand that your wife says she wants time alone, going out is not the right thing. I mean you could go in another room, maybe go outside and sit. But going out clubbing would just make her mad I imagine. Seen it enough in marriages where people go out and so something and leave the mad spouse alone and it only makes matters much worse. Heck I've done it once to my wife where she was mad and I said "Fine" and went out to bike. When I came back she was even madder that I left the house. lol.

    Not to mention you say you would not commit adultery like "her" but first, you never know what happens when you go out. The devil may throw temptation your way. And second, we need to be careful with our words. Sometimes we can get caught up in what we wouldn't do, that a curveball comes our way from God to test our words. Again, going by my past.
     
  12. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Lol, you think I don't? Let's not throw assumption stones. That's all I've been doing. Sometimes you also need time to yourself to just rest your mind.
     
  13. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    I'm not going clubbing. I don't know where this notion of clubbing came from.
     
  14. Goatee

    Goatee Jesus, please forgive me, a sinner.

    +3,557
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    Oh, ok, i apologise.
     
  15. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    No worries.
     
  16. HereIStand

    HereIStand Regular Member Supporter

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    You say that you intend to "go to a local/classy lounge" and you noted that you are "a good looking man." Let's say other women at the local/classy lounge agree. Presumably you are drinking and so are they. What then?
     
  17. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    Absolutely nothing.
     
  18. gadar perets

    gadar perets Messianic Hebrew

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    I think it came from you saying you were going to "a local/classy lounge". Is that not a "club"?

    If she asks where you are going, I highly suggest you tell her you would love for her to accompany you.

    Have you considered the possibility that she wants you to be more independent so she won't feel so bad if she leaves you for another man?
     
  19. ChristopherK

    ChristopherK Member

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    No a lounge is not a club.

    I just sent her a text saying that if she wanted to come then the invite is there, but if not then don't worry about it.

    I have thought that, yes. I think she does dabble in thinking like that, but then what alternative is there really? Either I act more independent and she's attracted or I act more independent and she feels more justification to leave. It's in God's hands really. I've been lifting us in prayer and serving my wife this entire time. Only God can circumcise her heart, and I'm praying for just that.
     
  20. gadar perets

    gadar perets Messianic Hebrew

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    I will agree in prayer with you bro.
     
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