Deconversion?

[HeKnowsMyName]

Sarah,

Do you mind sharing the story of when you were converted? And times during your life when you have felt God?

 

[Philothei]

My story of "deconversion" if one can call it that ... was really a young adult "rebellion" from all type of belief system the existing society practiced ... It was the empty-felling that was the first step to my coming back .. I never doubted there was God outthere in the first place but ... I did doubted Him .....wondering why and what he was doing what He was thinking...

I at the time looked into other "trends" and religions...But nothing talked to me the way that Job talked with God and struggled with Him. The void in me searched Him out.

I woke up in the middle of the night screaming "Where are you?".

I read Job over and over an indeed I found my existential search very common and banal. I did searched more an more in different directions...but in vain as God was always lurking in my heart. I did feel at home when I knew that i could talk to Him, praised Him and loved Him. Now I know He is not "out there" but "in here" with us with me.

Do I doubt ? sure I do at times of despair and in times of my existential struggle for meaning in life Moments like these will never pass on.
Am I determined to not let go of Him? YES I am!. Do I feel the fear that He might abandonme me?

This might have other roots that each of us has to deal with. Sometimes we "paint" a "Revengeful" God a "punishing Father" or a "Distant spectator" He is neither... It is our personal responsibility or our inability to see Him clearly for who He is...

To come to terms with His love we have to come to terms with first allowing ourselves to love our own selves... to accept us for whatever we are ... to forgive ourselves ultimately...

We need to built a relationship of mutual trust and love... He is there that is for sure... We are not always ready to accept that love He offers though and like a patient parent He waits ...and waits for us...

 

[Criada]

I became a Christian when I was 19... it all made sense then, and the knowledge that God loved me and that I could be forgiven was.. what I was searching for I suppose - hadn't had much experience of love, and I was totally awed by the gospel.
I would have said, until very recently, that I 'felt' God's presence whenever I prayed, or looked at creation, or reached out to someone who was hurting or in need.
But... now, I am not sure, it may have simply been my need to find love and acceptance that made me believe...
Whatever it was, it has gone. Not just the 'feelings' - I know those deend on a lot of factors and aren't any measure of truth. But, the deep conviction I had, even in the dry times, was what kept me going - and that just isn't there.
I have tried to believe, I have begged God, if He is there to let me know... but I just don't believe, and it isn't something I can force..

 

[Criada]

Thanks, I'll watch those when I get a moment.

Kidsagainstkows I watched the first two of that series, and the way it was presented was very helpful and interesting. Came back today to watch further, and the post appears to have been deleted. Could you Pm me a link, please?

 

[parr]

Keeping you uplifted in my prayers Criada

God bless you and Have a wonderful Thanksgiving

pax

 

[greenapplez]

Hello Criada. I have you in my thots.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Glad you found your way back, sweetie... I hope it works out for you.

Thanks. Oh I'm sure it'll all be good... my thoughts and beliefs haven't changed, but sometimes I get sucked into letting the world define my Christianity for me I've always been a Progressive Christian, and it's not an easy road Some days, I wish I could be an atheist

In studying other faiths, I came to realize that all religions have the exact same problems I see in Christianity. That puts them all back on level ground, and leaves me asking "Where do I belong?"

Well I belong here, even if people don't want me here. LOL

For you it's a problem with God, or a lack-of-God. For me, it's a problem with the world. My problem is somewhat more fixable I suppose :\

Good luck!

 

[Criada]

Thanks all.
Don't really do thankgiving - I'm in England, but thanks for the thought

 

[parr]

Oh. You're welcome.

 

[Zoness]

Criada! So this is where you have been hiding!

I can relate to you 110% I still get that feeling all of the time. Growing up Catholic and then being a gung-ho evangelical protestant for a few years, I found that I was really burnt out by conservative Christian theology and then of course dabbling in the mystical and occult "didn't help" as some would put it.

Although I may not get to attend the church of my choice right now, I like to think of myself is a Mainline to theological liberal. I think the progressive view of Christianity is one worth following and has renewed my sense of purpose for God, even though I am still a bit put off by church. I hope and pray for the best of you, we all go through these things. I am willing to bet I will have at least one major religious change in the coming years, I think it is natural.

 

[Criada]

Good to hear from you, Zoness.
I'm glad you have found a way to continue.

I am just so lost at the moment...all I thought I depended on has vanished and I don't know where I'm going, or even who I am. Realising that one's entire life is built on a misconception is rather frightening.

 

[Zoness]

Good to hear from you, Zoness.
I'm glad you have found a way to continue.

I am just so lost at the moment...all I thought I depended on has vanished and I don't know where I'm going, or even who I am. Realising that one's entire life is built on a misconception is rather frightening.

That is something I still struggle with periodically. It is a frightening idea, I didn't like the idea myself so I made the change which required me to put EVERYTHING under the microscope. Not just simple doctrines but I had to pursue the big stuff: What is my stance on Jesus, The Trinity, God, Man etc. and I completely reworked my worldview and suddenly things fit together better. Do theological conservatives like it? Not really but they can deal, it is my faith after all. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[gratefulgrace]

My dearest sister-in-love~

As you know, I do know of all the issues involved and if you *ever* want to let it all out with someone I'm only a PM away or an email too. As you also know, I am in the USA but tend to be a late-nighter so that we are sometimes online together. I would be happy to talk with you although I will say that I do try to limit my chat time a little otherwise I get carried away .

Love, I deconverted and went completely Conservative Jewish for several years. I'll be blunt. I was angry with G*d for the years of physical abuse--what did I do to deserve that? I was a defenseless child...where was He? How could He condemn me to that kind of life when I didn't do anything? Etc. You understand, right? I think in a way I *had* to fight with Him to get it out of my system, and it's not like I don't, on the occasion, fight with Him NOW about things because life hurts! But I needed to do that struggle and do it for real because it meant being "open and honest" with G*d with my doubts and anger, and not just being fake and acting like I believed when I didn't.

Criada, a lot of people have said stuff like "you need more faith" and kind of argued about "faith." Dearest one, faith is in general the persuasion of the mind that a certain statement is true. It is the belief and the assent of the mind to the truth of what is declared by another, based on his or her authority and truthfulness. Faith involves your MIND. It's when you look over all the facts and inside your mind you make the decision, "This is the truth and I believe it." Until you get to that point, you aren't necessarily deconverting--but you are looking, evaluating, and doing your best to discern the truth and to get past the fluff to the deep down, real truth. It's not necessarily a feeling.

I know for a dead fact that you care about me--might even say that on many levels you love me--but I don't always "feel" your love. In fact sometimes I feel very lonely. That does not make your love or care for me any less TRUE. Does that make sense? That love and care just *is* and I can assent in my mind even without always feeling it. It is very much the same with G*d's love for you. You might know for a fact that He does love you because He said so--but you don't always "feel" it, and He doesn't always make life easy for us. In fact, sometimes He does put painful things in our lives to teach us things. That does not make His Love any less TRUE. And yep--G*d may love you, but I sure do too and I *am* here.

So I hope this helps a little. If you'd like to just unburden your heart to a friend who loves you, you know how to PM me and to be honest we could probably both cry in a beer together (that's an American phrase for sharing a few tears). Love you Sarah.


~FW

I like your post, God certainly is Big enough to hear our hearts cry even if we are angry at Him. I have been angry at God from some of the struggles I have had to go through in my life. Like abuse, having a child born with a physcial and then aquiring a mental handicap etc. But I cannot imagine that I would have ever survived this life with out God and God helped me deconstruct all those obstacles and move on. I have experienced His presence and received His Holy spirit and I cannot go back. I tried for a time in my own intellectual strength "saved" at 12 baptized really churchy girl bible school etc. . then off the deep end although never really stopped believing just walked away like the story previoiusly shared. In that state at age 23 simply could not return to church and do the christian thing in the strength of my flesh. but God really did meet me in an awesome spiritual encounter and I have never ever doubted Him. The struggles were not over in an instant life still 'sucks' on occaision but it would certainly 'suck' much more with out Him. I am praying for you Criada. Also I hope you are not being pegged in your church as the pastors wife to fill a ministry role. You need time to just be and I hope hubby and church get it and support that.gg

 

[Chaplain David]

that's what i have always believed, and thought I experienced... but it doesn't work any longer, the relationship has gone.
and I know all the right answers, I've told them to enough people... but they don't work.

Sarah,

Whatever we do to ourselves has nothing to do with what Christ does for us. Or who He is. I don't know how to talk anyone out of going the other way ---- moving away from Him I just can tell you that I'd be nothing without Him. Every good thing in my life, the best things have come as a result of my relationship with him which I'm ashamed to admit isn't always as close as it could be from my end. But He loves us, and cares, and tries to help us. Give up on religion or made-made doctrines but not Jesus. You don't have to make a decision about that and saying I no longer believe doesn't really cut them anyway. Honey, do what you need to do in your life to make it better and love as much as you can. Pray even if you don't think anyone is listening and this too shall pass. I've tried to catch you on messenger but we don't seem to be available at the same time. Let's talk. You know I've been through a lot this year too. God bless you.

 

[sk8Joyful]

Hi Sarah,

Personally, I was raised in a communist-country, where I never talked with a christian, never saw or read the Bible, & never went inside a church. - Instead, I got atheist-preachings about 'man evolved from an ape', etc. Now here's the thing: there I was this little girl, in the 3rd. grade listening to his nonsense, with no apparent support, it seemed. - But yet, from somewhere deep-inside me, that I couldn't really explain, I heard "do not believe that, the TRUTH is not in him". - I thought hmm, I wonder what that was.
too,
only once had I heard the name "Jesus", and this only as another boy's name, but it was enough!! - Yes
you see, the Soul connection was made just as sure as you read these words.

Criada, there is another soul, & his mission is to make you, from "fud-syndrome" as you are now allowing, to suffer. what's fud? you ask. it's fear, uncertainty & doubt Now here's the thing, it's just like the flu or the crud, or worse some other dysfunctionally-chronic condition, that an alien inside you is waging, and so you rid yourself of the threat, once & for all! - Right! you certainly snap outa that foggy trance, crawl outa that hole, & it abandon!, yes!
you

Yes, you *preciously-saved daughter-of-God* will return, run into His being, his perfect & eternal LOVE, and think & shout "PRAISE God", like you did in HEAVEN, and so you are destined to LIVE, right here...on this beautiful planet earth...HEAVEN, remember HEAVEN is where you Sarah, saved, belong with Jesus and many, many of us... Amen

 

[suzybeezy]

Our faith waivers when:

We apply human thinking to our circumstances. Sometimes God is going to require us to do something with which human reasoning disagrees.

We allow our feelings to overcome our faith. It could be a sense of unworthiness or inadequacy that trips us up. Fear of criticism or failure might cause us to doubt we can do what He asks.

We fail to see God at work in our circumstances. Doubts creep in when we have asked Him to take action but nothing appears to be happening.

We have guilt over sin, past or present. We cannot operate with strong faith when we are under conviction of sin or dwelling on guilt over past wrongdoing.

We listen to the enemy’s lies. Satan is the father of lies, whose objective is to have us reject God’s truth and believe his deception instead.


Even though I know in my heart that nothing happens outside of His will for my life, I have doubted Him at times. And those are normal valid feelings. But dwelling on them is not.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm,
for God can be trusted to keep his promises.
Hebrews 10:23
​

It is okay to have bad days, in fact I would think something was wrong with me if I didn’t have bad days (and so would you!) But it is one thing to have bad days and a totally different thing to not put my trust my Savior that He will keep his promises.

He doesn’t promise me a tomorrow.
He doesn’t promise me a life void of suffering.

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me,
freeing me from all my fears….
I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me.
He set me free from all my fears.
Psalms 34:4,6
​

Read that last line again. Fear, that is what He set me free from. Not from suffering, not from pain…Fear. He set you free too.

And now I realize (I’ve always known this to be true) that I can’t do this on my own. I can’t, but God can. He WILL direct my path as He will with you.

What is God telling you to let go of? How is He speaking to your heart today? We know that the enemy is breeding this doubt in you, but what is he using in your life to feed it?

I encourage you to listen to God's voice, and follow His heart. This life is hard, it is really hard. But it doesn't have to be void of joy and fulfillment.
It is all in how you face your trials. And who you face them with.

 

[Criada]

God isn't telling me anything, because he isn't there or isn't interested.
I've tried, I really have. I hate this.. I want to believe, but it doesn't work..
I know it isn't supposed to be easy.. I've held on through a lot of hard times. But this is different, it isn't case of not trusting, it's that the faith to believe there is someone there to trust has just.. gone.
I would do anything to get it back.. I am so lonely without God.. but, I can't make myself believe... and however much I pray and read the word, it's just empty.

Sorry.. not meaning to rant at anyone here... I appreciate your input and care... I just don't seem to be able to do it any longer. Sorry.

 

[Thekla]

Hi, Criada -
I've been reading this thread a bit ...

I'm not sure of what you mean really, but it seems you now have a faith in that there is no-one there (God) to trust; you have acquired a new faith.

 

[Tinker Grey]

Do you think introducing the old argument about whether not experiencing something is faith is somehow helpful?

 

[Thekla]

Do you think introducing the old argument about whether not experiencing something is faith is somehow helpful?

If this was directed at me, I can only say I was not aware that what I stated was an "old argument". But I will let Criada respond should she want to, as I am trying to sort out what is being expressed.